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  #41  
Old 04-25-2011, 10:19 AM
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Hmm, I actually have to disagree with Indie, I thought the point of AT's post was that 1) he is irritated by the used of 'THE lifestyle' in reference to polyamory, and 2) he believes a more accurate, neutral (?) term should be used. Thus I took this to be a discussion thread where we have 1) a problem and 2) try to solve it to everyone's mutual delight. I am more than happy to change my use of language on this forum to make it more pleasurable for others to read.

Quote:
Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
... being mono or poly is simply part of who you are and not really contingent on what you DO. So therein lies the distinction.
Maybe not. I personally think that besides there being a mono/poly spectrum, there is a identity/practice spectrum. So it is a different thing to identify as mono/poly and a different thing to practice it. My previous use of the word 'lifestyle' is synonymous with the 'practice' end of the spectrum. You can DO polyamory, and people who DO polyamory tend to have different set of problems when forming new relationship than people who maybe ARE poly but DON'T DO poly.

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Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
There may be people on this forum who consider themselves to have "a poly lifestyle", but that does not mean that there is "a" or "the" poly lifestyle for everyone who is involved in more than one lover-ly relationship.
Hmm, so that is what 'the lifestyle' means? English is not my first language and I would never suggest that my way of doing things is THE way to do it. I am sorry if I gave somebody that impression. I tend to use words like 'whore' or 'dyke' with no ill meaning, and have been called out on how, even if a word is not disrespectful or hurtful in the sense I use it, that the same word has so much cultural baggage that it cannot be used free from those connotations. So in that light, I understand people's irritation with 'THE lifestyle' in reference to poly.

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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
It would be more appropriate to say you live a lifestyle which includes polyamory, or simply that you have polyamorous relationships in your life.
Thanks Indie, a really good suggestion! I will accommodate that in my further posts.

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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I wonder if the term "lifestyle" came out of the swingers turned poly that are in the community; the word I tend to use most often. I use "community I think because communities to me can be made up of many different people and different takes on a similar thing. I am part of the burlesque community also, but we all have a different take on that and come together with the same interest, love for what we do and a love for each other because of it. It makes me feel as if I belong when I say I am in a community of like minded people.
I like 'community', too! Thanks RP!

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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
A lifestyle is something we create individually. It simply is a way of living that reflects who we are. It certainly can include elements of the culture in which we belong, or grew up in, but lifestyle is self-determined. That's a huge difference. And why there is no definitive polyamorous lifestyle, as I see it.
Full-heartedly agree! Thanks for making me see that my use of language/choice of words was not value-neutral.
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  #42  
Old 04-25-2011, 02:10 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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I always find it interesting how some of the longest and occasionally most heated discussions I see here are around semantics. It's good overall I think because it serves as a reminder not to take anything anyone says (types) too literally - to put forth the extra effort to try to really understand what they are truly SAYING

That being said, I agree with some others that no doubt the latching on to the term "lifestyle" comes from several directions including the swinger, alternative, GLBT etc. So unless you were totally new to any/all of those 'scenes' (lifestyles) I can see where use of the term would raise an eyebrow.

Because I think it's as accurate a term as most others. If you are living (or attempting) poly loving then you definitely are involved in a range of things that other people (say monogamous) are not and they become a definite and important part of how you live your "life".
There are conversations that are unique.
There are actions that are unique (sexual, social etc)
There are patterns, language, ways of balancing your days etc that are simply unique to attempting to love others in an open and honest way .

That is "life" and the "style" is unique (even though variations are almost endless). But the one thing all these have in common is that they are NOT terms, actions, attitudes that you find ( to any degree) in monogamous living and thinking. Therefore the generally correct adoption of the term "lifestyle".

Loving many flavors your days most days. It affects the conversations you have, the decisions you make, actions you take. Pretty basic.

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  #43  
Old 04-25-2011, 02:35 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
. . . I thought the point of AT's post was that 1) he is irritated by the used of 'THE lifestyle' in reference to polyamory, and 2) he believes a more accurate, neutral (?) term should be used.
I just re-read AT's posts and saw no irritation in them. I think it's funny that some contributors to this thread have said that those of us who challenge the accuracy of using the word "lifestyle" must be "irritated," "griping," "messing with," "frustrated," etc. The fact remains that while one may incorporate polyamorous relationships into their lifestyle, there is no one lifestyle that is specific to polyamory.
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Last edited by nycindie; 04-25-2011 at 02:40 PM.
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  #44  
Old 04-25-2011, 02:41 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Black Unicorn, I read your post as being very defensive, as though the things I said were aimed at things you personally said and the way you said them. If that's not the case, then disregard this post. If it IS the case, I can assure you that I was not thinking of you or any other specific individual on this forum when I composed my earlier messages.

I have re-read my own posts as well as the original post and I do not find that they contain any discernable degree of emotional investment. Furthermore, I would not expect this topic to be a particularly emotionally-charged one. I'm not sure why folks think that a little intellectual masturbation about semantics means that we wish to circumscribe others' use of certain words on the forum.
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  #45  
Old 04-25-2011, 02:44 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I just re-read AT's posts and saw no irritation in them. I think it's funny that some contributors to this thread have said that those of us who challenge the accuracy of using the word "lifestyle" must be "irritated," "griping," "messing with," "frustrated," etc. The fact remains that while one may incorporate polyamorous relationships into their lifestyle, there is no one lifestyle that is specific to polyamory.
Me too.
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  #46  
Old 04-25-2011, 02:45 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
Black Unicorn, I read your post as being very defensive, as though the things I said were aimed at things you personally said and the way you said them.
Not at all. I picked your quotes because I liked them/thought they had a good point.

Quote:
Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
If that's not the case, then disregard this post.
I will (okay, I did answer).
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  #47  
Old 04-25-2011, 02:54 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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I call it a lifestyle -- I had no idea this was a controversial term Hope no one jumps me for it in the future! (This forum can help you develop thicker skin, I tell ya!)
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  #48  
Old 04-25-2011, 03:53 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Carma View Post
I call it a lifestyle -- I had no idea this was a controversial term Hope no one jumps me for it in the future! (This forum can help you develop thicker skin, I tell ya!)
AT can correct me if I am wrong, but I'll attempt to re-iterate what I think is the thrust of the OP.

It is not that the term "lifestyle" is controversial or offensive. It is that the term "polyamory" is too broad and vague to be described in terms of "a lifestyle" when it comes to applying these terms to a given group of people.

To me it seems more comfortable to use adjectives to describe one's lifestyle, instead of taking a noun and designating it as "a lifestyle". For example, I might say that "I feel better when I lead a physically active lifestyle", but I wouldn't say that "polyamory is my lifestyle".
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  #49  
Old 04-25-2011, 05:53 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
AT can correct me if I am wrong, but I'll attempt to re-iterate what I think is the thrust of the OP.

It is not that the term "lifestyle" is controversial or offensive. It is that the term "polyamory" is too broad and vague to be described in terms of "a lifestyle" when it comes to applying these terms to a given group of people.
You've got it. That use of the term is inaccurate and I don't find it useful in the slightest. I think there are better ways to discuss polyamory that don't involve misleading inaccuracy from the outset.
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  #50  
Old 04-25-2011, 06:29 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Can someone provide examples of how to use the word lifestyle?

Any I can think of (such as a physically active lifestyle) also have the same problem as a "poly lifestyle". There is not a one true way. (I think there might be nearly as many ways to be physically active as there are ways to be poly! )

Last edited by TruckerPete; 04-25-2011 at 06:30 PM. Reason: typo
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