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  #1  
Old 07-17-2016, 03:51 AM
Belladonna Belladonna is offline
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Default Online dating blows

I haven't posted in a very very long time. I was in a pretty good relashionship and it ended suddenly and no so great I might add so I just stopped looking for a few years.

Anyway back to the future. Rejoined okcupid. Why is it you say you are poly online and guys assume you are a swinger and ready to go. Umm no. I like relationships. Maybe more so than I like sex with other people. I like the Intamacy. The getting to know someone. The courting. Am I that old??

I guess I need to be more direct online and trust me I try but I swear I don't think that stops guy from going straight to the "send me pics of your tits"

Please tell me I am not the only one that has this problem.

Last edited by Belladonna; 07-17-2016 at 04:01 AM.
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Old 07-17-2016, 04:37 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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If it's any consolation, it seems to be a widespread problem for women on dating sites, poly or not. I don't usually get those messages myself, and when I do it's from the guys who are obviously spamming every female they can find. I think my profile is blunt enough that anyone who actually reads it doesn't even bother trying with that sort of crap.

It's easy to accidentally say the wrong thing with a bad word choice, and hard to spot it yourself because you know what you were trying to say and you re-read it through that filter when you're editing. Perhaps you could ask a few people you trust to take a look at your profile and give you their opinions.
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Old 07-17-2016, 05:11 AM
Belladonna Belladonna is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Emm View Post
If it's any consolation, it seems to be a widespread problem for women on dating sites, poly or not. I don't usually get those messages myself, and when I do it's from the guys who are obviously spamming every female they can find. I think my profile is blunt enough that anyone who actually reads it doesn't even bother trying with that sort of crap.

It's easy to accidentally say the wrong thing with a bad word choice, and hard to spot it yourself because you know what you were trying to say and you re-read it through that filter when you're editing. Perhaps you could ask a few people you trust to take a look at your profile and give you their opinions.
Thank you!! That is a really good idea.
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Old 07-17-2016, 10:11 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is online now
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Online dating is tough. Especially if you are a woman who really enjoys sex, and you're honest about it, and admit it on your profile and in the Q&As.

I also have very good pix of myself on OKC, not that I am model gorgeous, but I am an artist, and I have taken flattering selfies and added a few other nicely composed pix taken by others.

I'd say a good 80% of men that contact me have obviously done nothing but look at my pix, so their messages all consist of variations of, "You're hot, let's chat." Only not spelled properly. There are a lot of stupid people in the world. To me OKC is a *dating* site. To them, it's just for a cheap hookup, or worse, they just want a sexy chat so they can masturbate.

I've taken to actually blocking everyone who talks to me like that. I reckon I don't even want them to be able to *see* my pix anymore, much less talk to them. So, block, delete, block, delete.

There are some men out there who do offer what I am looking for however, enough to engage in a conversation to see how they measure up. I wade through the scum to get to the clear waters of an actual respectful, interesting, smart, kind man who understands the premise of what polyamory really is, and also is gainfully employed, and with interesting hobbies, etc. He must have a well written profile, have a good high match (over 80%) and some pictures that make me think I'd enjoy looking at him over the first date table. Or see naked in bed. heh
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Old 07-18-2016, 02:42 PM
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Your experience is definitely NOT just because you're poly, first of all, because dudes on dating sites are like that.

But it's kind of like life right, there are X% of men who just hope to get some easy sex with no feelings, entanglements, or relationship...with as many women as possible...

And there is Y% of men who are looking for THE ONE.

Less who are looking for poly-ish relationships...we ARE a minority. I found it hard to navigate because I was not looking for NSA sex, yet I was not looking for a relationship leading to marriage and such either. I wanted something in between. And even if you are doing mono, finding a man who wants something in between can be hard.

This was illustrated by an in-person interaction with a man who comes to the BDSM parties at the club... He is HAPPILY married (as he frequently points out) but his wife is in another state, he's here a while for work, and her sex drive isn't lined up well with his. So he is just looking for more sex partners. (He's one who says he's doing DADT, but I think he's just cheating.) He came to a poly discussion group, hoping he'd have opportunities to find more partners. He quickly realized that everyone else there was doing multiple relationships, and that his swinger mojo wasn't really flowin' in that crowd. I engaged him in a conversation about the legislation of emotions, because he was really insistent that feelings were NOT ALLOWED because he is HAPPILY MARRIED, do I not understand that!?!? I was like dude, who says you can't do both? I just wanted him to be a little more openminded. But my point is that most men I know seem to think that there are only two kinds of women in the world. Sluts you have meaningless sex with and feel nothing for, and respectable ladies you marry and bring home to mama and love. That's it.

Of course there are the rebels among us who are breaking out of that container and exploring alternatives. But that appears to be how the majority does it.
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  #6  
Old 07-18-2016, 07:15 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi Belladonna,

Sorry to you're getting the lust-happy treatment on OKCupid. I gave up on OKC many years ago personally and while I know it works for some, I think that there is some work involved (many frogs to kiss before you can find a prince).

I hope your luck will improve.
Sincerely,
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Old 07-18-2016, 10:44 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Spork View Post
But my point is that most men I know seem to think that there are only two kinds of women in the world. Sluts you have meaningless sex with and feel nothing for, and respectable ladies you marry and bring home to mama and love. That's it.

Of course there are the rebels among us who are breaking out of that container and exploring alternatives. But that appears to be how the majority does it.
And then there are, fortunately, the men who think there are sluts you fall in love with and respect and cherish... and fuck the hell out of on a regular basis. There needs to be more men like that.

Sorry. Derail.

The vast majority of men who message me on dating sites never get a reply. The ones who get a reply almost always *stop* getting replies from me the second they turn the conversation to anything sexual. I'm a prude, apparently, because I won't talk about sex (where talking about sex means explicitly sexual conversation) with people I'm not having it with or making plans to have it with. (Often not even with them...) As others said, some men are on those sites solely to find wank fodder; some of them, I think, are actually afraid to meet women in person, they'd rather just cyber-sex or cam.
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Old 07-19-2016, 02:42 AM
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Quote:
And then there are, fortunately, the men who think there are sluts you fall in love with and respect and cherish... and fuck the hell out of on a regular basis. There needs to be more men like that.
Fuck yes.
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  #9  
Old 07-19-2016, 06:29 PM
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Not meant personally about you, Belladonna, because I haven't seen your profile or messages, so this is advice in general:



I've been on and off OKC for a few years and have learned that it's really important to advertise what you mean to advertise. Sometimes it's very helpful to show your profile to someone who isn't afraid to hurt your feelings, who won't just say that it's great and who will offer educated feedback about what you're putting out there. Yes, just about every women gets slobbery messages to a greater or lesser degree, but a well presented, clear and thorough profile can go a long way toward heading off misunderstandings. My experience is that OKC has great potential for bringing people together. I personally know and have experienced wonderful match ups, so a lot of one's experience on that site is going to be what you make it. Yes, a lot of men are looking for "just sex" and probably poly women get more messages steered that way, but keep in mind that we have every influence on how the discussions go down. We don't just sit back and absorb whatever "attitude" random people care to dish out, we are an active part of the world around us. It's this way in life and it's this way online. So really take an honest, fresh look at what you're presenting in your profile and pictures, then approach your correspondence with the same confidence and knowing presence that you have in life in general. You're much more apt to connect on OKC with great people when you have a confident, self possessed and friendly approach instead of a guarded, skeptical and exasperated one.

Also, it doesn't necessarily take forever to find a good match or two. You're just as likely to meet up with a great person (or two) on day one as you are on day 645.
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Last edited by FallenAngelina; 07-19-2016 at 06:35 PM.
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  #10  
Old 07-20-2016, 10:58 PM
Belladonna Belladonna is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Spork View Post
Your experience is definitely NOT just because you're poly, first of all, because dudes on dating sites are like that.

But it's kind of like life right, there are X% of men who just hope to get some easy sex with no feelings, entanglements, or relationship...with as many women as possible...

And there is Y% of men who are looking for THE ONE.

Less who are looking for poly-ish relationships...we ARE a minority. I found it hard to navigate because I was not looking for NSA sex, yet I was not looking for a relationship leading to marriage and such either. I wanted something in between. And even if you are doing mono, finding a man who wants something in between can be hard.
Yes! exactly. I don't care for NSA sex but no interest in marriage. I guess I would say i am pretty complex. that must be very confusing for people that are not poly.
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