Poly-curious with a very confused BF

[HoneyBee]

Originally Posted by Serendipity

Man... listen to me go on. That's what you get for encouraging me. I hope this helps though. I honestly know how you feel, and this has worked for me. Maybe it can help you too.

Haha, keep it coming, seriously! I dunno how you got so good at playing counsellor, but what you say makes SO much sense. Ah, if Freud could see you now! :P

DP is out at football right now, but I will certainly take what you've said on board. I do think part of the problem is that I get to a certain point when I simply refuse to bring it up any more (either because I feel as though I'm nagging, or because I get angry that he doesn't WANT to talk about it like I do), and then the issue just festers under the surface and I get snappish with him for stupid things. I think I've got every right to do so, but at the same time, it doesn't help matters. I suppose that always being the one to broach the subject is annoying but not the end of the world, if it gets the job done.

In terms of how he reacts when I DO bring it up...well, he doesn't. There is no eye rolling, no tutting, and no sarcastic comments. All in all, there is nothing more expressive than a shrug and a silence, or maybe an, "I dunnoooo". I think that's what makes it so infuriating. At least if he argued with me, he'd have an opinion one way or the other. As it is, I feel like I'm in limbo. And I get terribly nervous approaching him about it in case it hurts him...because if it does, how am I suppose to know if he won't tell me?

I feel sometimes like our relationship could go down in flames right before his eyes, and though he'd be burning up inside, you wouldn't ever hear him scream.


But I say all this without having spoken to him again. I feel myself making excuses not to: "He's going to play football and I don't want to put a dampener on his evening"; "He's had a long day and he just wants to go to sleep"; "He's only going to brush it aside like last time and I'll get no answers"; "I'm asking too much of him; I'm being unfair"; etc. I need to bite the bullet, I suppose.

Give me courage!!

xox

*edit*
The book sounds like a fantastic idea (sorry, just caught your post!); I'll check how much money I've got and see if I can buy it

[MonoVCPHG]

My opinion in short - he doesn't want to deal with it at all and seeing how you aren't pinning him down he's quite ok with you being in limbo. Time to be direct, corner him and push the issue. If it means that much to you, you are going to have to risk the possibilities.
You're both avoiding the issue, just in different ways.

Best of luck

[HoneyBee]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

My opinion in short - he doesn't want to deal with it at all and seeing how you aren't pinning him down he's quite ok with you being in limbo. Time to be direct, corner him and push the issue. If it means that much to you, you are going to have to risk the possibilities.
You're both avoiding the issue, just in different ways.

Best of luck

I was preparing myself to take your advice, Mono: we were in the car on the way home from my mum's, and I decided I would broach the subject once the little one had been put to bed. But then - shock horror - HE brought it up in the car!

He essentially told me that he hadn't wanted to bring it up without having thought it through properly first. He wanted to silently reflect upon what about polyamory was bothering him the most, so that he could give me concrete answers instead of waffling.

I was proud of him for being so brave as to say that without being prompted. Absolutely pleased as punch He admitted that the thought of me being with a woman did not stir any jealousy in him at all...it was the relationship part that his mind kept stuttering over. I asked if he thought that was because an emotional connection with someone is more threatening than sex, and he agreed that was probably it.

I asked him if he was still worried I'd find someone better and leave him, and he admitted he was. I said, "But that's just it - polyamory is about NOT having to choose. If I were to abandon my current partner every time a new partner came along, I would not be polyamorous - I'd be a serial monogamist."

I told him that I was not prepared to let anything seriously threaten our relationship, and that if anything did happen, it would probably be years from now (when we both had the time and energy). He actually paused to spare a thought for my secondary partner, whoever that may be, and wondered how they would cope being "the third". I found this encouraging.

All in all, it was a short conversation, but...baby steps. He brought it up, and I'm so happy, because it shows that at the very least, he's trying.

xox

[MonoVCPHG]

Great news HoneyBee!! That's a lot actually...patience and poly go hand in hand in my opinion...great work

Mono