revenge is not my game

i type 1 finger, 1 hand. so no caps below. patience!
i have multiple sclerosis. i live in a wheelchair at home and won't leave home without one!

as so many are known to do on forums, we lurk more than comment. today i want to talk with understanding people about the relationship my husband & i have shared for more than 30 years. [32 year wedding anniv in jy, but knew each other socially for 10 years before.] as any relationship, we have had many ups & down. this is about some downs.

monogamous marriage 1985. i lived through sexual freedom attitudes of the 60s, had gay friends, multiple simultaneous sexual partners. from reading this forum, i was definitely polyamoric back in my single days! on the other hand, my husband was shy & did not have many partners.

we were monogamous by choice until early 2015. then my husband took a girlfriend w benefits w my knowledge. he has since fallen in love w her & has had a friday date night every week for more than 2 years. they went to puerto rico one year, seattle the next, & even an in-town 5day getaway. they have an overnight for a day or 2 on average of once a month. when he started w her, he told her he was married, not going to leave me, no kids.

i am trying my best to adapt. she & i have met a few times, but no friend interest [her side? dh?]. obviously i've read this forum & for a year read kimchi comics. i've tried to think of "us" as a triad, but we don't communicate. he goes to her because my libido has become non-existent due to discomfort/pain [legs, entry, diaphram, sternum], bad mental images, asexual tendancies etc. he had a sexless marriage for nearly 20years. but his libido is quite high. i saw his relationship w her as a solution, as a supplement but not a replacement. they do things i won't- like spooky movies & spicey foods, beaches & deep water. & sex sex sex. dh will no longer take me anywhere overnight.

i really don't want to ruin his life nor hers. but i need tips on better ways to adapt to their relationship. to make my life better.
-i think of her as one of the guys & he is with them or away on tournaments.
-i try not to pry, but sometimes my comments hit a nerve & he shuts down.
-change my expectations. plans for over 60 years or retirement change [money, health, interest]
-use his away time as me time
-cherish my moments w dh
-cultivate new hobbies
-being homebound i have no visiting w friends nor family [the only people i see are drs/other professionals]

a few weeks back we kept talking about going to a movie release. i thought i'd be before her on seeing it w dh. nope, their date night changed, he had already bought tickets. he saw it w her first. [it was not even one of her usual genres!] i saw it the next day. he told me about seeing it the night before. i was devasted but tried my best to hide it in the coming week. afterall, i saw it, just not first. he saw it as sharing the movie w the 2 women he loves. [must change my perspective... i eat a lot of sour grapes ala aesope's fables.]

-i fall about 1/week. i have a life alert button but he doesn't want me using it unless blood or bone are showing. it's still not connected to outer world.
-handicap bars were in their boxes in the garage for a year. he put them up while i was in rehab a month for recovery from a stroke.

one more zinger on protocal. his mistress had a double masectomy 10 years ago. this week they found something... need to wait for biopsies. the dilema concerns her family. her friends have socialized w him [parties]. her dau and separated husband knows about him, but parents siblings etc don't know.
-tips for hospital visits
-if she passes, what does he do about funeral
-i'm willing to attend either. cover story "friends from past job"
-both of his women are chronically ill [wife and mistress]. he won't leave either of us.

he's not a gem, but he is a great caregiver.
i am sure by now you can understand why i want to talk about this issue here. other people latch onto the mistress part [if i'd only had sex w him], others to the no sex part. i just want to talk about issues and not be judged. when i land between a rock and a hard place, i just want support or tips on how to get over a dilema. thx.

Welcome

And share away! There should and will be plenty of .. Close to what you seek, hopefully!
Is she more willing to talk yet.... After diagnosis? I would think she could see more reason why to try at a more balanced relationship with all of you.. As a true triad... You would think

Hello Beka,

Sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now. If she passes, I would say go ahead and go to the funeral, with the cover story you mentioned. Let's hope it doesn't come to that though ...

Regards,
Kevin T.

Hi Beka,

With your years of experience, you're far wiser than many of us here. You have decades of polyamory under your belt while most of us can only boast a fraction of that experience. I don't feel qualified to give advice.

I don't understand the title of your thread though. Can you explain it please?

Finally, voice recognition applications on the computer or smartphone are VERY good these days. Some are even free. You would just talk and then the voice recognition will just convert your speech into words. This may (hopefully) be a faster alternative to typing.

Hope this helps!
Shaya.

Shaya said:

Hi Beka,

With your years of experience, you're far wiser than many of us here. You have decades of polyamory under your belt while most of us can only boast a fraction of that experience. I don't feel qualified to give advice.

I don't understand the title of your thread though. Can you explain it please?

Finally, voice recognition applications on the computer or smartphone are VERY good these days. Some are even free. You would just talk and then the voice recognition will just convert your speech into words. This may (hopefully) be a faster alternative to typing.

Hope this helps!
Shaya.

Click to expand...

Shaya, her husband has only been poly the last two years, not the entire time they've been married.

Edit: or are you referring to what she said about before she was married? I had two other boyfriends while engaged to my husband. I don't tend to include that in my summary of my poly experience, even though it totally was. First off, I was a teenager and a lot of things have changed since then. Secondly, 17 years separate the two experiences, so, again, a lot has changed.

I think I read the opening poster wrong. Jetlag! With apologies.

Shaya said:

Finally, voice recognition applications on the computer or smartphone are VERY good these days. Some are even free. You would just talk and then the voice recognition will just convert your speech into words. This may (hopefully) be a faster alternative to typing.

Click to expand...

I'm pretty sure that Siri is now standard with all iPads, iPhones and Macs. Voice-to-text is a widely available technology that would really help you out, Beka.

It would be great if you could get out in the world more. Does your area have The Ride? It's free to disabled people in my area (Eastern Mass). Would be nice to have a way to get out sometimes, without depending on your husband. A change of scene helps with depression. And you might make a friend or two.

I'm sorry your h went to that movie with his gf before he went with you. Not sure why you held in your disappointment. That's a poly problem anyone could have. You could bring it up, and discuss something else special you'd like to do together. Another movie, or some other activity. Sometimes in poly, we need to feel "special!" At least I know I do.

I'm somewhat disabled myself, and so is my nesting partner! I have a bad back, and then last year came down with cancer. She has abnormalities in her arms and spine and shoulders. She needs me to help her with dressing and doing her hair.

We've had to make lots of allowances for each other. The best way is by being very open in our communication around everything. I sometimes feel envy when she's with her bf. I am recovering from chemotherapy and have extreme fatigue. (The cancer is completely wiped out.) She's 22 years younger than me, and so is her bf. They have a lot more energy for sex and the kink activities they like. Also, he just moved closer to our town, and bought this big fancy house (since he's single and child free and quite well off). She did a lot of work helping him while he was househunting and moving.

I do my best to feel happy that she is happy. And she's a great hinge, she makes sure to give me lots of quality time when I need it, when I have energy. And she hugs and kisses me tons and tells me she loves me 10 times a day. Actually my fatigue is so bad, it's a blessing when she goes to her bf's... gives me good uninterrupted resting time.

Doing polyamory with disabilities is something I think of often. It adds complication to a complicated love style, just as having kids does.

Hi. No judgments here. Given what you have wrote it would be preposterous to suggest you should have just given him more sex and all your problems would never have occurred.

I would start with trying not to look at this as a triad because it's not even close. It's a V, with your hubby as the hinge. It's hard to give advice on this because it is your hubby that needs the advice. he simply needs to be a better hinge.

My advice to you is to work on how to communicate to him these feelings that you have. I sense that you have some feelings of inadequacy. Also, some of your needs are not being met? He needs to be made aware of this, but not in an accusatory manner.

Also, it would help if you quit keeping score (he went to the movie with her before you). Try to focus on what your needs are from him, not what he does with his girlfriend. What he an her does is their own thing. What you and he does is your own thing. Focus on your own thing.