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Old 06-28-2017, 09:37 PM
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Default One Mistake at a Time

I think it might be helpful to have a public space to talk-think my situation.
So, here it goes and after much reading of your stories, other sites, talking to poly friends, and listening to podcasts I'm fairly certain I've made about million mistakes so far.

I'm 35, found my first grey hair two days ago. I have three girls under 8 years old. I had a career in Veterinary Medicine but currently nanny in my home for a dear friend. I've been married for 7 years this July to a man (31) who seems thus far to be maybe bi and probably mono.

A month ago I found myself with some serious feelings for another man. Let's call him J. These strong feelings led me to reflect on my past relationships, that reflection led me to identify as poly.

I've had a few conversations with my husband (D) that went as well as they possibly could I think. We both communicate well, could be better, but well enough to feel solid.
My longtime friend who is familiar with poly and kink and the whole world (she's brilliant) when hearing my conclusion was like "I thought you already knew that about yourself" .

So my BIG mistake is that what has already transpired between J and I might be considered an affair by D.
My other perceived mistake is that I came into poly with a third already in mind. That clearly is very risky and my friend described it as an intro penalty, meaning that a relationship with J will probably never happen. I understand it, but I dread the day I have to feel the heartache that's headed my way.

What I'm doing right though is: moving at the slowest members pace, researching researching researching, enjoying my new found feelings, enjoying not feeling guilty for having feelings, feeling relief like I can breathe easier, learning about myself, learning about my partner, having amazing sex with D as a result of deepening our bonds from all the discussion we've already had and if I'm being honest I found it super hot that D let me have coffee with J yesterday knowing what he knows, using the anxiety of the situation to fuel me creatively, and in general allowing myself to feel happy

I have fear, I hope to grow, I hope to bond more with D, I hope to be happy. I hope you'll help me by asking thoughtful questions! (please and thank you)

I hope to learn things about your journey and that you'll learn something from mine.
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Old 06-30-2017, 12:17 AM
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Hi BathedInSalt,

How much have you told D so far? How much has he told you?

Regards,
Kevin T.
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Last edited by kdt26417; 06-30-2017 at 12:44 AM.
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Old 06-30-2017, 01:38 PM
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Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
How much have you told D so far? How much has he told you?
D and I talk every couple of days. I can list what I've told him:
- I've shared my reflections on past relationships and my conclusion
- He knows I have feelings and want to express them sexually with another man and knows a couple things about the other man
- I've shared with him the resources I've found about the subject
- He knows I'm on this board and I share the info I get here with him

He's told me less, but in general I talk away more than he does.
When I asked if he thought her was poly at all he shook his head no
He's told me he loves me and wants me to be happy
He's told me that he will look at the resources I've sent, yesterday he even apologized for not getting to it yet.
He's told me to continue a friendship with J, just "don't put yourself in situations where you will have sex"

We both know just talking about this stuff, learning about one another has bonded us more and a fun benefit of that deepening bond is better sex( not the point, but a super result).
The fact that he didn't have a more exaggerated response when we first talked about this to me speaks volumes. Our "poly-bomb" didn't seem to do too much damage, if any. That remains to be seen though. I think the sight be a time to look for more subtle ripple effects of it.

Is that the kind of info you were looking for when you asked?
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Old 06-30-2017, 06:28 PM
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Yes, that's what I was looking for.

Do you ever want to add a sexual element to your relationship with J? Do you think D will ever go for that? Will J?
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Old 06-30-2017, 06:37 PM
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Yes I would like that. Physical expression of love is very important to me in addition to plain 'ol pleasure.
At this time, no. In the future maybe, but I still think no if I had to guess. We have to have more conversations to know.
How do I address the OPP without sounding like I'm pressing D into something I want but he doesn't?
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Old 06-30-2017, 06:49 PM
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Re:
Quote:
"How do I address the OPP without sounding like I'm pressing D into something I want but he doesn't?"
I'm not sure. Do you confess to D that you would like something sexual with J eventually? I'm not sure.
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Old 06-30-2017, 07:03 PM
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I've already told D that I have the desire to have sex with J.
It was part of our original talk. Ive only brought J up specifically again once. Since then we've been focusing more on our relationship and understanding what polyamory is and what a poly relationship would look like. There is a list of topics I want to discuss with D. Trying not to push or make it the only thing we talk about.
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Old 06-30-2017, 07:40 PM
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That makes sense.
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Old 07-04-2017, 12:13 PM
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Default Growth Spurts

I feel like my journey has all been on the inside the past month. It's good, great maybe, but I'm starting to get worried that I'll outgrow my husband. It's a little worry right now, a mini worry. I was hoping that since we are away from home and have help with our kids that we would talk more, but we haven't had one conversation about it and here I am reading and learning, asking myself hard questions...every day. So that's one reflection I've made in the last couple days.
There's another, but it's long and requires me to write it up first, edit it and then post so it doesn't make you crazy.
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Old 07-04-2017, 01:57 PM
Hannahfluke Hannahfluke is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BathedInSalt View Post
I feel like my journey has all been on the inside the past month. It's good, great maybe, but I'm starting to get worried that I'll outgrow my husband. It's a little worry right now, a mini worry. I was hoping that since we are away from home and have help with our kids that we would talk more, but we haven't had one conversation about it and here I am reading and learning, asking myself hard questions...every day. So that's one reflection I've made in the last couple days.
There's another, but it's long and requires me to write it up first, edit it and then post so it doesn't make you crazy.
It's possible that he's a little tired of talking about it and just wants to enjoy the time away from home without any processing. It's understandable for him to want to enjoy his vacation. It doesn't mean you're outgrowing him or that he doesn't care but if you've been talking about it a lot, he could need a break.
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