DeepBlue on her path...

D

DeepBlue

New member
Hello everyone, on recommendation of MeeraReed, I open a thread here, in addition to my thread in introduction, pretty much evolving around the same topic: my relationships.

I copy from http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=89115 :

I am a 35 year old woman. I have spent the last 10 years with my husband in a monogamous relationship. We have one very much loved kid, she was born about a year ago, after many years of, in the end, rather desperate attempts of having a child.

... and I had actually thought: we have it all. I mean: we of course have ups and downs in our relationship, but we have each other, we have our beautiful child, we have a good life. I am quite happy with my husband, most of the time, anyway. I have friends who complain about a boring or non-existing sex life. Our sex life is fine.

15 years ago, I discovered that I fall in love with more than one person at a time. It happened for the first time when I had been with my boyfriend for about six years. I fell in love with that other man. And I was really in love with both, very much, and I didn't see any reason why this shouldn't all work out. But both of them saw many reasons why it couldn't. They both wanted me to decide whom I love more, whom I love enough to stay with, and say forever goodbye to the other one. I felt like I had been hit by a train or something... and I fell apart. I had been completely honest with both of them. But then my boyfriend forbid me to ever see the other guy again, to ever talk to him again. And in a very desperate attempt to say my goodbyes, I had sex with the other guy. It didn't make me feel good, at all. But I felt like I had to at least do that if I was to say goodbye to him for a lifetime... and then I desperately tried to keep it together with my boyfriend. But we were somehow broken, damaged. He never trusted me again. He behaved very... possessive. I felt trapped. I asked him for a break from our relationship about 1.5 years later. And that break... well, it never stopped being a break. It took me many years to get over this. I was still processing it several years into the relationship with my current husband.

My husband... I met him when I finally felt ready to let go of that former boyfriend and that other man. I still felt heartbroken, but ready to start something new. (I had several rather meaningless relationships in between. They are kind of not worth mentioning. I wasn't in love with any of those guys.) I told my husband very early on that I fall in love with more than one person at a time. (I had no clue that there is a name for this.) And I also told him than I was going to let go of any other person that I would fall in love with while being with him, because I thought everything else would just damage our relationship with each other. I also told him that, from my side, he was free to do whatever he wants to do. I know that I can get jealous, but I am very sure that I can work it out, get over it. Well... so that was our "deal". I think he never even looked at another woman in all these years, though, not even when we lived on different continents. Or he is hiding it very well. But I don't think so.

I have been falling in love with several guys over the past ten years. And I let it pass. I tried not to flirt with any of them, although I might have failed on that a couple of times. But nothing serious ever happened, and I never felt like I want to bring any of them into our relationship. I sometimes told my husband that I was in love with someone else, but sometimes I didn't. He didn't seem to care much; it just didn't matter. But now...

Now, that man from 15 years ago is back. He has been "back" for about two years. We told each other that we want to be friends. We very seriously tried. We have met, mostly with my husband present, a couple of times. And it was all fine. They are friendly with each other, the man and my husband. And then, booooooom, I fell in love with that man, all over, again. And he with me. (And "nothing has happened" yet, but the falling in love is kind of "everything," anyway.)

It is an extraordinary feeling, one that I had not expected to feel in my life again. It is a very strong feeling. And I don't think I will be able to let it go. I mean, you never know what life brings. Maybe I will want to let it go some years from now. Maybe not. But right now, I don't think I can let it go again. I cannot let him go again. I don't know what exactly I want to do with him. I have no idea. But I want to be with him.

I need to talk to my very monogamous husband about my feelings. It scares me so much. I am so afraid that he will put me into that "choose him or me" position again (even though that was not my husband, who did that, 15 years ago, it was my ex-boyfriend). I will not be able to make that choice, ever again. I cannot again choose to be somebody who I am not, to not love whom I love. I know that my husband will definitely not want me to have sex with or kiss that other man. For sure not. He will be very jealous. That's just him. I can try to have a platonic relationship with the other man, but it is rather clear to me that this attempt will fail one day. So... even though I will give it a try, a desperate try, to make this work, to stay with my husband, but also develop a romantic relationship with the other man, I expect that, in short, my marriage will fall apart. It is not what I ever wanted for my kid. I love my husband very much. We could be a very happy family, if there just weren't my goddamn feelings for the other man.

So. That's me. Right now.
Click to expand...

... and couple of posts later, me again:

You wonder how that reconnecting happened. After some years of no contact, the other man had started calling me. We had this "Love from a distance," "Be ok with seeing the other one have a happy life" thing going for several years. We talked like twice a year, sent another two or three long e-mails each year. That started five years ago. Two years ago, he asked to see me.

It happened because the other man's wife took on a lover. And he decided not to make her choose. But he felt very bad. He came to me for advice, to hear how it all played out for me all those years ago. That had been a topic that we carefully never mentioned on the phone or in an e-mail. I couldn't give him any good advice, though. They also have kids. So far, everything had worked out great for the kids. Wife and lover are happy. Wife and man are... still in a difficult situation. Man and lover are doing ok. (And no, he did not contact me to start a new relationship with me to take revenge on his wife.)

... The other man does not want to make me choose, now. He actually wants me to work it out with my husband. The other man and me, we are very open on how our relationship might play out to be. We can imagine moving together, living together, maybe even having another kid together. And we can imagine seeing each other once a year for one or two weeks. (That had been the plan, anyway, a plan that my husband had agreed upon. He doesn't agree anymore.) So the other man is not making me any trouble, right now.

I have talked to my husband, and he reacted exactly the way I expected... no way he can have his wife start a relationship with another man.

Yes, I think this is worth a divorce. I don't really want that divorce. I love my husband, and I will continue to love him after a divorce; it will make me so sad. But letting the other man go will be worse, even though the entire circumstances are a mess, in many ways.

But I am hearing your advice. I am taking a time out. I am not going to see the other man for the next six months, out of love for my husband, and because we need time to figure things out. What kind of separation will we get? Or maybe, maybe, maybe he will change his mind. We need to take care of our kid. We have to develop a life mode where our kid is not a piece of luggage that is handed from one to the other every two weeks. That would be horrible. We cannot have a messy divorce.
Click to expand...

My husband is acting very... calm. Right now, he is not jealous. He is not angry. He lives day by day. If I don't see the other man, he has no problem. If he has no problem, he does not worry, much.

He does not want a wife who has more than one sexual relationship. He says that he will look for someone monogamous to move in with, to spend his life with, eventually. He asked me whether that would make me jealous. And yes, that would hurt me, because that other person will get what I really love about our marriage, the living-together part., the common future. But it is only fair that he knows what he wants and that he will go for what he wants.

We didn't sign a pre-nup when we married. But we are discussing signing one now, in order to avoid a financial mess when the time for a divorce comes. It is a first step.

I am feeling ok right now. Of course, I hope that my husband will change his mind, that he will in the end decide to stay with me. Probably not going to happen.

I am not exactly sure whether I need advice at the moment. But I might later on. And maybe you have some thoughts on our situation, anyway.
 
Would you say things are going better than expected?

You say your husband is calm, not jealous, not angry, as long as you don't see the other man. What's it like when you do see the other man? How long do those black clouds last? Has that affected how much time you spend with your BF?

I think it's a really good idea to get all the financial stuff ironed out before it gets ugly.

I admire your courage and honesty to stand up for your identity. Best of luck.
 
Hi DeepBlue,

I'm sorry to hear that things are headed for a divorce. I know that isn't what you wanted. I hope Polyamory.com can be of some help to you on this thread.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks, Kevin. I can't always get what I want. I guess that's just life.

As to the other questions: yes, in a way, it is going better than I had expected. But my expectation was much affected by the similar situation with my ex-boyfriend all those years ago. From that experience, I had expected rage, anger, pain. This pattern wouldn't fit to my husband, though. He is not one showing many feelings, which has made our relationship hard for me, many times, but right now makes things easy. We go about our daily lives as usual.

I have no idea what will happen when I actually see the man again, since I am not seeing him right now.

My life is very closely connected to my husband's life. The pre-nup is not what worries us. But he is my boss at work. And I really love that job. So, apart from our kid, we have to sort out whether I get to keep my job, whether he will be able to handle having me close every workday in our future.
 
Sorry I forgot the part about taking a break from BF. Was this break and the logic behind it discussed with your husband? What are the expectations? Is this both of you kicking the can down the road, you hoping he changes his mind on poly, and him hoping you come to your senses?

Pre-nup has sailed. The nup happened 10 yrs ago. I think we're talking post-nup.

Working with each other provides another tough wrinkle in this. If I were you, I'd start looking for a new job, and he could write you a nice recommendation now, while things are peaceful.
 
You really should be looking for another job, as dingedheart said. Things are ok now. I'm not being sexist by saying that you should be the one looking for another job. I'm only saying it because you are the one who has changed the dynamic of your relationship. If he was the one in love with another person, I would say he should be looking for another job.
 
I know that you are in principle correct. And I wish I could find another job here. I am a highly specialized scientist. I started working for my husband because it was the only option here, in the first place. New job means moving at least 4 hours train-ride distance, which would be ok if there wasn't our daughter. So, either I leave my kid (he will fight for that; and he might well win) or we work out a way that I keep that job.
 
Leaving for a new job-- how would that affect the new relationship? Does the BF live in the same city as you?

What was the stated goal for taking this break from the BF? Is it some sort of test of feelings, or, as said earlier, just kicking the can down the road, pretending to do due diligence?
 
Leaving for a new job would affect the relationship with my daughter and my husband/her dad, who wants to keep her close. It would not affect the new relationship at all. That is long distance, anyway.

Okay, four hours less are four hours less. But overall, it doesn't change much. I wouldn't move to where he lives, in any case. It's too far from my kid. And even if she came with me, too far from her dad, then.

The stated goal is to avoid a very messy divorce. I want to have that time to sort it out with my husband: do we really need this divorce? If yes, how will we handle raising our kid, our work, and so on?

I don't think another six months will change anything between the other man and me, neither does he. So there is no rush, no need to make a big mess. And sure, I hope my husband might change his mind. But that is not very likely.
 
Yes, I get the situation with your daughter and husband. I didn't know how it would affect the other leg of this. If he was local he'd end up being LDR.

I get your motivation, but I don't get really understand what your husband has to gain from this. Was this your idea or his?
 
Definitely my idea. My husband could probably go on with our relationship as it has been... til death may part us? I don't know. Something like that.

Are you asking what is his motivation to remain in a relationship with me despite me obviously wanting to do things that he does not want me to do?
 
No, not him remaining in a relationship. I don't get why he would want to be involved in either a 6-month soft sell on poly or a 6-month pre-divorce negotiation. But hey, I'm a rip the band-aid off kind of guy.
 
If taking the time to consider options and sort out how to go on from there, whether staying married or getting divorced, helps lead to an amicable, lower stress relationship (whether as married people, exes, friends, co-parents), then I am all for going slow. And this is especially true when there are children involved.

I'm also generally in favor of having stuff out in the open and decided, but sometimes there are situations when a slower, less certain pace is the better option.
 
Would you consider giving yourself a year to think about things and to see if your husband has a change of mind during that time?

Also, does the new boyfriend support polyamory, or does he still want monogamy with you as he did all those years ago?
 
A year.... I don't know. Maybe. I have a hard time putting a date on it. The six months aren't a "and then on that day, I am going to see him!" kind of thing, either. But I don't think it will end up being an entire year.

For me, it feels like it is just my nature to love more than one person. For the other man, it feels different. He loves his wife. He loves me. He can imagine an exclusive sexual relationship with me but he is not pressuring me to get it. On the contrary, he is very aware that I am having sex with my husband, that I want to continue that, and he says he is ok with that. He is much less ok with his wife having sex with her boyfriend. He says he doesn't mind with me, because he met me as a person who just does that. It has never been different between us, and he regrets having lost me over acting possessive. He's had many years to think about it.

My husband says he will never agree/give his blessing to me having sex with another male person. He says I will always be cheating on him. Well, that's what he says now, anyway.
 
I'm all for not making rash decisions, but a year seems like an incredible waste of time. I would think you'd be able to hammer out any kind of settlement agreement in a month or two. Seriously, if everyone puts their focus on this, I can't see it taking more than a few days.

And him saying (and I'm assuming he's said this more than once) that he'll never agree to you having sex with another male, it seems foolish to think the ticking clock will be a motivating factor. Even if he had a history of retracting from "never" statements, this one could be different.

Keep us posted on developments and progress.
 
dingedheart said:
I'm all for not making rash decisions, but a year seems like an incredible waste of time. I would think you'd be able to hammer out any kind of settlement agreement in a month or two. Seriously, if everyone puts their focus on this, I can't see it taking more than a few days.
Click to expand...
It's never just about "hammering out a settlement agreement." It's about feelings too, and, in this case, I guess, finalizing the decision and starting to disentangle.

Also, if you do wish to focus on the practicalities of separating, they do take time. My moving from my parents has been already a two-week process (+weeks before I found a flat) and nowhere near finished, and I'm single and childless. There's absolutely nothing wrong with taking time to settle to a new normal before other lovers are invited in.
 
I'm not disagreeing with you. Yes, feelings are a factor. That being said, there is a tentative 6-month timeline. Having lived on both sides of this, I'm not sure there's material difference after a certain point. And once things are settled it might hit you a month or two after that, so you can't plan for such things.

And what's the fallout if this pre-separation turns out to be like a honeymoon. Does that make the final cord-cutting easier and less painful, or more? IMO, more.

I suggest the disentanglement steps and going down the romantic nostalgia road.
 
Last edited:
I am getting tired of typing "the other man." It is three words. And the term that people in my introductory thread referred to him, "old flame," is also still two words, and I frankly just don't like it. I think of someone else when I think "old flame." I will refer to him as Salt, from now on. In some ways, that is a suitable nickname.

My husband is not a person who makes any rash decisions. It took him forever to wrap his head around having a kid with me. It took him even longer to decide that we would get married. It will take him time to let go, if he wants to let go. It's ok.

I can do rash things. I have in the past done so, multiple times, and I can be ok with the result. But I think loving someone also means taking the other side's feelings and thoughts on things into consideration. Of course, what my husband really wants is that Salt will evaporate. Or something. Not going to happen. But I can, in principle, under the given conditions (more about that below, things might be about to change), give my husband time. And who knows? Maybe he will change his mind.

There has been a development that deeply worries me. Salt recently discovered a health issue. It is actually currently still unclear what exact condition he has and whether it is really that serious. There is still the possibility for something harmless. I kind of cling to that harmless thing. Salt is very scared that it might be lethal. I can see why. But final test results won't be in for another month.

If there is no time, or not much time left after the six-month time window that I am in principle willing to give to my husband, then I cannot do it. I cannot sit here while someone I love might die, soon. Like, in a rather predictable way. So we all hope for the best, for something harmless.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top