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  #1  
Old 02-06-2011, 03:05 PM
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redbullgivesuwings redbullgivesuwings is offline
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Default Advice needed?

Hi people Iím new here and have a few questions i hope you can help me with???
I was having an affair with a married man for 2 yrs. Tíwas love at first site for me and I knew this was the man Iíd like to marry. Yes I know hes already married. The affair became really serious to the point he (allegedly) told his wife about it and planned to leave her. Heís been married for 17 yrs. no children. Loves his wife but not "inlove".
Our relationship was passionate and intense right the way through the two years up to Dec 2010 (a month before we were due to move in together) he became distant. He got the flu and one of his dogs got ill and it felt as though he was getting cold feet. So through fear of rejection i ended it on 31sy Dec 2010, which i regret. I made a discovery on the 2nd January 2011 that he had been visiting a social networking forum for escorts, courtesans and punters. He had joined the site about 6 months after we met and had posted so often that he had been invited to become one of the forum moderator/admins. I also discovered he had visited two escorts in the time i was with him. I sat on this information for over a month then decided to confront him about it in 1st Feb 2011. He denied meeting escorts and admitted to being on the forum but I have the proof.
Iíve been through every emotion conceivable and have thought long and hard about this. As things stand right now we are on speaking terms and he I have forgiven him. He tells me he still loves me but is very raw after I split with him. I would like to reconcile the relationship with him so long as he wants this also and I now feel ready to explore an open relationship with him on the condition that there are no more secrets. I would like the two of us to live together.
My question isÖ. How do I approach the suggestion of Polyamorous with him? And how do I do it in a way which wonít disempower me? The last thing I want is for him to think I am easy, desperate, confused or eager to please, which of course Iím not. I could pull someone else if I wanted but the difference here is I love this man and have thought deeply about the prospect of an open relationship with him.
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  #2  
Old 02-06-2011, 03:43 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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He sounds like a serial cheater...Not someone who is poly or wants to be poly.

He...not you, has to find the root of why he is non-monogamous. Is it the thrill off "cheating", is it sex...is he an addict in some way.

Honesty...comes with yourself before it can come with others. If he isn't honest with himself he can't be with you.

Anyways, lots of red flags, I am sure you have thought about that... The best way to approach it, is honestly.

"i want to be involved with you in an open relationship but I want to ensure it is open and honest." might be a good start.
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Old 02-06-2011, 04:49 PM
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redbullgivesuwings redbullgivesuwings is offline
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Hi there Ariakas
Thank you for your comments. I think you may have a very valid point there about a "thrill of cheating". I did try to address this with him when i confronted him about the escorts. It crossed my mind that his activities could be some kind of power game and perhaps more to do with "getting one over" on his partners and stroking his over inflated ego.
As for addictions I would hazard a guess and say yes he has an addiction or obsession to sex, porn and masturbation.
I still have a lot of unanswered questions I would like put to him, however, with a history of lies I am beginning to doubt whether there is any point. The whole idea of being open is being honest after all. Something heís already scored low marks for.
Will keep you posted on developments.
I would like to add one further point. If it were not for my deep search for forgiveness and understanding I probably would never have come across this forum so regardless of what may happen between myself and the ex Ö he has quite possibly done me a favour and steered me in the right direction - the whole idea of polyamory actually quite appeals to me.
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Old 02-06-2011, 05:09 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Well I have to say I impressed by your thinking. You are approaching this in a healthy way. Even though the start of your introduction to poly was one based on betrayals.

A lot of us have that person or situation which looks like crap on paper, but was our into to poly. Mine was falling in love with a FWB my wife and I were sleeping with (we had been open for years). This failed miserably and in fact caused me massive amounts of pain, and personal growth.

Without that kick in the teeth I would never have met my ex-gf. Who has been one of the most loving supportive and influential people in my life. I owe her a lot, including my life. Poly allowed me room to have this person in my life.

Welcome and continue reading. There are lots of resources, all with slightly different takes and explanations on what poly is. There is a whole range of what it can be... so remain open and enjoy the journey.

And of course keep us updated.

Ari
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Old 02-06-2011, 07:14 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Cheating is very painful for all involved. You have experienced this as well as his wife. I don't suggest that you stay involved with this man and work on what it is in you that thought that being in a situation like the one you describe was nourishing for the person you are.

I think if I were you I would look after yourself and wish him the best. He has some deep routed issues that he is aware of and can work out for himself. You are the one that is in need of focus. You have been part of destroying the faith, trust, and self worth of another woman. I know what that is like. It seeps in slowly and creates destruction of ones own sense of self worth, integrity and self respect....

My advice is to forget him and "what to do" for him and figure out what you are going to do differently next time. What you are talking of in your first post is not Poly. It is cheating. If you think poly would suit you then look at this site and others thoroughly and become familiar with the concepts, foundations and strategies that work for poly people.

I suggest doing a search in the tags for "lessons" "foundations" "cheating" "affairs" and see what has been worked through on this forum. There are some really good posts that have helped me and others to no end. There is a stickie for "cheating" also that is useful also.
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Old 02-08-2011, 04:30 AM
Laylah Laylah is offline
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hi
I myself think this man needs more help than you can give him. Sometimes someone is like this because of learned behaviors from their family members when they were children. But not always. I think he needs some counciling to get to the root of his problem in this area. Meanwhile if it was me. I'd move on. At this point theres really nothing you can do.. except learn from your experiances and know that that is not poly in the slightest shape or form. And i commend you on your strength and willingness to learn more about poly.
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Old 02-08-2011, 09:22 AM
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redbullgivesuwings redbullgivesuwings is offline
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Thank you guys for your own take on things.
Itís been a few days since my initial post and wow what an eye opener this time has been.
After getting back in touch with my ex and a short game of email ping pong, last night i received "the email of all emails". It was one of those defining moments where I could finally put this relationship to rest.
After reading it my alarm bells went off (kind of alarms you get when you connect with someone you believe to be sinister). I mean I had my doubts before but when youíre in love you switch off to a lot of subtle hints.
For the very first time in 2 yrs. of knowing and loving this guy... i now feel sick to the core and rightly or wrongly my perception of him makes me feel uncomfortable and I would go as far as to say I now find him creepy. I have come to the conclusion that this fella is not quite wired up the same way as most of us. I think the the fact that i was ready to forgive his activities with escorts perhaps gave him the green light to turn up the heat and really expose him self for then wierdo he is. Only took me 2 years to gather that but oh well the main thing is I have woken up - better late than never. A very lucky escape and a BIG relief I am no longer with him.
At this point it is too early to say if the Poly lifestyle is for me...I donít rule it out. First I must spend time with myself and recover from a very screwed up relationship.
Thanks once again for all your advice everyone and see you around on the forum.
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Old 02-08-2011, 02:36 PM
Quath Quath is offline
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Sometimes it can be too easy to try to forgive and forget. I had a relationship where my girlfriend cheated on me even though we had an open relationship. All she had to do was talk to me about it, but she hid it instead. I saw the warning signs and clues that she was cheating, but I kept accepting her flimsy excuses because I loved her and wanted it to work out.

We finally broke up and I realized how badly I had been cheated on afterwards. There were so many lies in the relationship that there was never any hope for regaining any trust. Sometimes you just have to let go of someone who is fundamentally dishonest in a relationship.

Personally, I think the poly lifestyle is more about the philosophy of relationship than the number of people you are seeing at once. I think poly is more about openness and honest communication with full knowledge and consent of all parties involved. It is about compersion and dealing with jealousy as a sympton instead of as a problem. Where love is not about possession but allowing people to "love as thou wilt." So to me, a person can be single or in a monogamous relationship or be monogamous themself, but I will see them as part of the poly lifestyle if they subscribe to the above ideas.
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Old 02-08-2011, 09:46 PM
Laylah Laylah is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redbullgivesuwings View Post
Thank you guys for your own take on things.
Itís been a few days since my initial post and wow what an eye opener this time has been.
After getting back in touch with my ex and a short game of email ping pong, last night i received "the email of all emails". It was one of those defining moments where I could finally put this relationship to rest.
After reading it my alarm bells went off (kind of alarms you get when you connect with someone you believe to be sinister). I mean I had my doubts before but when youíre in love you switch off to a lot of subtle hints.
For the very first time in 2 yrs. of knowing and loving this guy... i now feel sick to the core and rightly or wrongly my perception of him makes me feel uncomfortable and I would go as far as to say I now find him creepy. I have come to the conclusion that this fella is not quite wired up the same way as most of us. I think the the fact that i was ready to forgive his activities with escorts perhaps gave him the green light to turn up the heat and really expose him self for then wierdo he is. Only took me 2 years to gather that but oh well the main thing is I have woken up - better late than never. A very lucky escape and a BIG relief I am no longer with him.
At this point it is too early to say if the Poly lifestyle is for me...I donít rule it out. First I must spend time with myself and recover from a very screwed up relationship.
Thanks once again for all your advice everyone and see you around on the forum.
Well its like you say.. in no exact words... atleast you found out NOW. Instead of finding out later. Poly is as diffrent for each family as there are leaves on trees. So if I were you i'd do some research.. and all. And if you need to talk just give me a holler. I'd be more than happy to help answer questions and what not. As im sure anyone here would be.
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Old 02-08-2011, 10:40 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redbullgivesuwings View Post
. . . I could finally put this relationship to rest. . . . For the very first time in 2 yrs. of knowing and loving this guy... i now feel sick to the core and rightly or wrongly my perception of him makes me feel uncomfortable and I would go as far as to say I now find him creepy. I have come to the conclusion that this fella is not quite wired up the same way as most of us. I think the the fact that i was ready to forgive his activities with escorts perhaps gave him the green light to turn up the heat and really expose him self for then wierdo he is. Only took me 2 years to gather that but oh well the main thing is I have woken up - better late than never. A very lucky escape and a BIG relief I am no longer with him.
Now go to the doctor and get every test possible.
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