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  #11  
Old 10-04-2009, 01:08 AM
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In referance to your original question though, Kraven. I think polies would do better to stick with polies and monos with monos. I feel it is rare for the union to work and it is a mountain of work!! But if you get there...WOW!!
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Old 10-04-2009, 01:53 AM
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Amen to the work - and the WOW.
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  #13  
Old 10-05-2009, 04:28 AM
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I am quite interested in this distininction between mono and poly. Since I am quite new to this whole concept of poly (my husband brought it into our marriage), and i would consider myself mono so far.

some people on this forum say that we are "wired" in a certain way? what does this mean or imply? that it is not actually a decision? that it is your nature (some sort of biological conditioning) or educational/societal conditioning, that is very hard or almost impossible to be undone?

some say it is a decision the way you want to live your relationship.So it means that anyone (openminded and courageous enough) can live it. I can see both possibilities. so far i haven't figured it out for me,, where being/living one or the other way comes from. All i can say, my husband does love me, and I am rather mono, whereas he has recently found out that he has a rather poly way of loving people and building relationship.
I can also say that is an LOT of work for both sides. And it is important that the polypartner does that work as well, even though it feels that poly is so natural to him/her. The accompanying and giving space to the monopartners fears and worries is a very importan point, in mho.
A crucial point in the beginning might (was for us at least) be that the monopartner's worries might threaten one of the relationship. they might be understood as - "if she/he worries about all this, this might mean that he/she wants me to give up the other relationship". And it is obvious that if you love somone and you are about to build a relationship this kind of worry is a sort of threat to the other relationship. In these circumstances it is very hard for the polypartern to REALLY listen the monopartners worries etc. At least for us beginners this was an understanding that helped calm some discussions.
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Old 10-05-2009, 04:35 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by moonandstars View Post

some people on this forum say that we are "wired" in a certain way? what does this mean or imply? that it is not actually a decision? that it is your nature (some sort of biological conditioning) .
For me, being wired mono or poly is as natural as being gay or straight. It's a black or white thing for me..biological for sure. But this is me. Others are conditioned.
It most definitely is not a decision for me. I simply love one romantic partner at a time. This is not a guess for me..it's been proven.
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Old 10-05-2009, 04:45 AM
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The question of mono poly relationships is so broad really. A poly relationship may be continually open to new relationships creating a very fluid dynamic. Other poly relationships may be very closed consisting of three or four people who are committed in a polyfidelous union.

Some dynamics will be more challenging for mono natures to accept and for poly natures to be healthy in. The key is to determine if the relationship is worth getting through the initial work in order to achieve positivity in every one's life and heart.

Drop the labels if you want and just accept that everyone of us is an individual. Every relationship will be shaped according to many aspects of each individual.
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Old 10-05-2009, 07:12 AM
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check out Mono's threads and posts from the early days... he wrote a lot and discovered a lot during that time that might help in your quest for your truth.
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  #17  
Old 10-05-2009, 06:40 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
It most definitely is not a decision for me. I simply love one romantic partner at a time. This is not a guess for me..it's been proven.

proven?? has any research been done on this?? where?? any literature, studies i can read about that?? or what do you mean with proven??
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Old 10-05-2009, 06:46 PM
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Originally Posted by moonandstars View Post
proven?? has any research been done on this?? where?? any literature, studies i can read about that?? or what do you mean with proven??
You missed my point..."for me"..not for anyone else..."for me". It's been proven through my life experiences and relationships. Although there is a study on mice that River mentioned which was interesting and pointed to a genetic link to mono and poly natures.

Whether you are wired a certain way, conditioned a certain way, or whatever, it comes down to you as an individual. People aren't that simple internally.

Why the need for scientific proof of human nature things anyways? What are you really looking for?
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  #19  
Old 10-05-2009, 06:47 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by moonandstars View Post
proven?? has any research been done on this?? where?? any literature, studies i can read about that?? or what do you mean with proven??
He meant for himself it was proven...just for himself. Not implying that this is how it has to be for others.
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Old 10-05-2009, 06:50 PM
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moon-

some people (like me) just know they are poly and operate that way from early childhood. I always loved more than one person and regularly dated in twos and threes.

Other people (like my boyfriend) are flat out mono. They never fall for more than one person at a time, and in his case- really only one person EVER in their life. He's not even one who loves one person at a time, but one person period. He's been in love with me since he was 17 years old.

still others are like my dear husband who were taught that monogomy is the RIGHT way to be during marriage and that any experience with more than one person needed to be had prior to saying "I do". He has poly "tendencies" and can be happy and enjoy sexual experiences in controlled group situations, he can love more than one person to a degree but he's conditioned for a monogomous relationship.

My boyfriend-he's not likely to change, like Mono on here-he doesn't see the point. He would rather be alone than try to be with someone else.

I am not likely to change either-despite trying, I simply DO love more than one person at a time and when I try to block the emotions for one, what I accomplish is simply shutting down all of my emotions across the board.

My husband-well he flip/flops. He MUST have security that he IS loved and that no one is going to leave him. He CAN be happy in a monogomous relationship but he also can enjoy having more then one relationship. So it's really a matter of ensuring that he's TREATED right, his needs are met and that he's happy-not what type of relationship it is.

Does that make sense at all??

I think you are asking "is it this or this" and the answer is, it is both. Some people are wired one way or another and some people are trained to be one way or the other.
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