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  #61  
Old 05-06-2010, 07:54 AM
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midnightsun midnightsun is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Ya, and if you don't sort it out by the time you leave here the bull whip will come out, I'll line you all up
Ooo! Ooo! Me first! Me first!

Oops! Was that out LOUD!?
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  #62  
Old 05-06-2010, 07:58 AM
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Originally Posted by Morningglory629 View Post
WOW! Gulp! I felt that smack of reality! Again...so guilty of being part of the same patterns. Why is it that we can intellectually see the bad behaviors in others but emotionally we cannot control our own negative output in our relationships? YIKES! I got some work to do too! Thanks MidSun!
You're quite welcome MG, thank you for putting yourself out there and acknowledging that it had validity for you. That's the funny thing about stumbling upon a tidbit of "truth" in life... it seems to ring true for just about everyone. As if it's a law of nature... like gravity or something. Often it leaves you feeling like Newton after the apple knocked him upside the noggin!

But, as you so aptly pointed out... it's much easier to see truth in the example of others. And, yet another thing to see it as it applies to yourself and to take action based on that knowledge. I have much work to do myself.
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  #63  
Old 05-06-2010, 03:42 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Wow this thread got busy last night. Thanks for putting this out there. I hope it all helps in the processing. Definitely interesting to read and see peoples perspectives.

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  #64  
Old 05-06-2010, 04:50 PM
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GG's relationship w/LR is *his* relationship. If he's not there for her when she needs him, that's up to HER to deal with w/him. Maca, I hear you being resentful because he wasn't there... well, if u were in a "mono" relationship it would've been just you anyway... right? It's up to LR to hold him accountable for acting as if you & her are in a mono relationship and he's just a roommate.
Although I agree( to some degree) The relationships between LR and I and LR and GG are our own to deal with. There is a certain amount of mingeling of relationships that comes into play when you all live together. Also if there is somthing wrong in there relationship it DOES have an impact in mine and LR's and vice a versa.Its not the same as if she had a BF she went to see once in awhile that lived apart from us.
If I was mono then I wouldnt have issue with not having back up but because we are not.... As LR explained in another post with privligies comes responsibility. IF we are to be a poly FAMILIY then the responsibilities are to the familiy not just one person. Im not saying that I havent held up my end of being responsible to GG Im just saying that these are some of the reasons that there is a gap between GG and I.

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I've gotten the impression from over & over again that you feel like you're in a poly relationship "against your will" to a certain extent. You've repeatedly stated that you'd prefer to be in a mono relationship w/LR. Yet, when GG gives you what you ask for and acts like a roommate... you are resentful of him. And when he gives LR what she needs/wants and acts like a boyfriend, you're resentful of him as well. Shame on him for trying to please you both instead of figuring out what *he* wants... but even so, I can see why the heck he's confused about how to act. He's a people-pleaser to the core of his soul, and he's trying to please you both... which at the moment (since you & LR both want different things) is a lose-lose proposition for him.
You cant have the benefits of a BF and the responsibilites of a Roommate.
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  #65  
Old 05-06-2010, 05:46 PM
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No offence Kattails but....knock this shit off. Thinking this way will only perpetuate the issues that are causing the problem. If you decide you are the biggest part of the problem then you will become that. You're simply human with emotions, needs and wants. You are not a problem in your realtionship, you are a factor in it. The equation is the sum total of all the factors. Coming to a mutually healthy and beneficial answer is the goal...the problem is in how to achieve that.

Peace and Love
Mono
Wow! Kat, it may be "tough love" but I tend to agree with Mono on this one. My hubby does the "all I do is cause problems" attitude when things aren't going smoothly between us. It reminds me of my 6-yr-old sitting on his bicycle saying, "I can't do it!" and refusing to keep practicing. Relationships take practice... we often seem to think that relationship skills are something you're just born with (or without.) But in truth they're learned, unlearned, re-learned and tweaked throughout our lifetime.

My son knows people ride bikes, and he desperately wants to be one of those people who just hops on and rides effortlessly down the road. He just doesn't believe it's going to happen for him. He makes one small effort and when it doesn't work perfectly for him the first time he's frustrated and ready to give up. He doesn't recognize that those other people riding by on bicycles had to spend LOTS of time practicing, had many scraped knees & elbows and may have even wrecked a couple of bikes in the process of learning.

The thing is... relationships *are* a lot like riding a bike. There is a set of skills that you learn that help you achieve BALANCE, help you learn to guide it where you want to go, that help you learn to recognize obstacles & dangers in the road ahead to avoid pain & injury. Blaming the bicycle (relationship) for failure isn't productive... if you don't learn the skills, you'll do no better at the next one you try. But... if you *do* learn those skills, just like a real bicycle you never forget how to do it and it becomes natural and effortless as it is ingrained in who you are.

That's not to say once you get the skills relationships are always easy... there are still hills along the road, rough terrain, times you have to get off and push, and others where you can just coast and enjoy the scenery. But your skills carry you through.

The tough part is that in reality, a relationship is more like a tandem bicycle. BOTH people have to have skills, although if one is more skilled than the other they can certainly stabilize things a lot while the other learns. However, if the other person refuses to learn or just decides to let their partner do all the work, then when you hit those hills, the gravel paths... the rough spots, it puts a major burden on the person who is skilled and in better shape... they end up doing all the work.

Polyamory is like a bicycle for 3 or 4+ people. It gets even trickier when everyone's relationship skills all come into play. It's more of a balancing act and tougher to get everyone in sync so that you can get where you all want to go.

I think what Maca is trying to say to me is that they have a bicycle built for 3 and it's tougher to ride it when one person isn't pedaling (or even pedals backwards or puts on the brakes at random intervals.) I get that... I honestly do. But from my perspective Maca, you & GG are only pedaling intermittently and out-of-sync with each other and you both stop pedaling or put on the brakes and stop the bike so that you can point out how the other one isn't pulling their weight or is dragging the brake.

The only person who has learned ALL the necessary skills, gotten herself in shape, pedals consistently (even uphill & through rough terrain) and keeps the relationship balanced is LR. EVEN WHEN SHE'S BEEN HEALING FROM HEALTH ISSUES. The point she's been trying to make to the both of you is that you either need to get IN SYNC with each other so that she's not doing all of the work all the time and fighting AGAINST one (or both) of you in order to just GET SOMEWHERE... or get off the damn bike.

It does her no good to be in sync with just you, or just him. You and him have to make an effort to be in sync as well and all 3 of you have to agree on where you want to go. Otherwise you're wasting your time & wearing her out. I know I'm over-simplifying it... but seriously... shut up and pedal or get off the bike. Both of you.
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  #66  
Old 05-06-2010, 07:55 PM
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My son doesn't whine much. He used to but everytime he does I ask him the same thing, "what do you need" "talk to me about what is going on for you" "what do you need to do to get your needs met?"

I think because he has grown up really being honest about what he needs he has no reason to whine. Sometime he needs to do things like hit his friend because he is frustrated. I have explained to him that perhaps that is not the root of his need. His root need is to have a turn with the ball and to also have compersion for the friend using it now because he knows that it is so much fun to play a game with that particularly ball.

I am teaching him to think this way early. He is getting it. The other day he told me his best friend was going to another friends house for supper. I asked him how he felt about that and he said to me that he was happy for them because (he loves his best friend and) he knows that this other friend will have a good time with him. Also his best friend will have a good time too. He was almost proud. Yes, I think he was proud to share him because he thinks he's so great. He was legitimately gleeful for them. So excited.

I think there is a lot to learn from that. I was not taught that way. I was taught to covet people, things, my emotions, my self. I am finding that when I feel whiney I need to look at the root of why. Perhaps. KT, Maca, GG, whoever else, its time to take a good hard honest look at what root needs you have. Let yourself live in them, feel them around you and then decide what you can do to change to get your needs met.
I fully believe that root needs are always positive. If you find that the need you come up with is not positive, I would suggest that it isn't the root need and there is something else underneith it. For instance, you might come up with the need to control your surroundings... Is this really the need? I would suggest in terms of this that the need is to know what is happening and that you are loved and wanted. Perhaps its the need to have your own stuff going on that is behind it... In that way you can lose the need to have control and concentrate on something that is actually achievable and positive. Something that helps others, not hinders others from what their needs are. This takes putting yourself in others shoes. It takes patience with yourself and hard work, but is like riding a bike, once this way of thinking starts, its hard to not just be like that always.
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  #67  
Old 05-06-2010, 08:57 PM
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I know I'm over-simplifying it... but seriously... shut up and pedal or get off the bike. Both of you.
OK OK Im peddaling stop yelling at me


Seriously though its alot easier for you to give advice to others when you see it from the outside but its so dam invisable to ourselves when it comes to ourselves.

The thought of the splinter in another eye when there is a plank in your own eye comes to mind.

I was telling GG and LR lastnight that I find it odd that so many people on the board say things to us like " you guys are doing such a great job" or " you guys give me hope" and I think to myself " dam I have got a long ways to go " or " I hope someday to be as secure as X person or as accepting as Y person.

We all have are battles and they all can be so difficult to us and yet be so simple for others.Its all about the lessons we have allready learned in life.

To use your analogy MS.You maybe able to ride a bicycle but if I handed you a motorcycle you might be lost. Then say you can ride a motorcycle but I hand you a 1200 cc hyper bike that maybe just enough power to scare you stiff. That might even be enough power to scare you so bad that you wreck the bike.

I agree that its a choice and its my choice to " peddal ".

Although the words and the emotions and the fighting has been painful for all of us. Im glad we had it. Im glad we aired it out. I hope it will help others find the strength to do the best for themselves and there relationships. Maybe it will help you MS. I love you too. I appreciate your input into this issue.You have the advantage of the outside view. Just as LR and I and GG have the outside view for your relationships . We do have your back.



Peace and Love

Maca

I have to get back to work before I fire myself
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  #68  
Old 05-06-2010, 09:49 PM
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Originally Posted by maca View Post
I was telling GG and LR lastnight that I find it odd that so many people on the board say things to us like " you guys are doing such a great job" or " you guys give me hope" and I think to myself " damn I have got a long ways to go " or " I hope someday to be as secure as X person or as accepting as Y person.

We all have are battles and they all can be so difficult to us and yet be so simple for others.Its all about the lessons we have already learned in life.

To use your analogy MS.You maybe able to ride a bicycle but if I handed you a motorcycle you might be lost. Then say you can ride a motorcycle but I hand you a 1200 cc hyper bike that maybe just enough power to scare you stiff. That might even be enough power to scare you so bad that you wreck the bike.

I agree that its a choice and its my choice to " pedal ".

You are inspiring me to keep trying...to keep pushing the envelope of scared stiff...to realize there is nothing I can't do... and happiness and love evolves and should not be taken for granted. Thanks for that and for sharing because it DOES help pave the way because we see it isn't a strange emotion to have or a new concept to accept. You are a good guy, so is GG and LR is hell on wheels and fabulous! THANKS TO ALL HERE!

Last edited by NeonKaos; 05-06-2010 at 10:49 PM. Reason: quote formatting
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  #69  
Old 05-06-2010, 10:07 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
I was telling GG and LR lastnight that I find it odd that so many people on the board say things to us like " you guys are doing such a great job" or " you guys give me hope" and I think to myself " damn I have got a long ways to go " or " I hope someday to be as secure as X person or as accepting as Y person.
a) you have something to work with
b) you guys do communicate. While there seems to be different communication styles, you guys seem to try
c) your hinge loves you both - that is extremely obvious

All relationships go through crap...you guys are going through some crap and working through it. As long as no one throws their head in the sand you guys will come out the other end. And if anyone does throw their head in the sand...it leaves them ripe for a little paddling .

Look at the positive of what you guys have......and I will say it, you guys give me hope...everyone on this site with a germination of a healthy poly relationship does...

Cheers guys, I can't wait to roast some weenies and make smores when you guys visit...oh...and of course some beer...
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  #70  
Old 05-07-2010, 01:02 AM
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Cant wait to meet all you guys and gals down there also. Its going to be a good time for all.

Im certainly down for some good beer drinking around a camp fire. Something about fire and beer that just feels... RIGHT...
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