Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #31  
Old 05-05-2010, 07:42 AM
GreenGecko's Avatar
GreenGecko GreenGecko is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 35
Default

Maca and I tend to "tolerate" each other, however (and please don't mistake this for me trying to be the "better man" because again, this is BOTH of us, not one or the other) I have attempted numerous times to really try and be friends with Maca. There are a few reasons it fails. One is that I don't "chase him down". I'm not an aggressive person, LR can attest to that. I show myself or my intentions or desires, even needs, and if no one ( or said person) responds to it, I drop it.

I've done what I can to show Maca that I want a closer relationship with him. I'm sure could do more, and will keep trying. But it's obvious to me that he doesn't WANT it. And I don't want to "force" myself on him to be friends. I wouldn't want that either if it were the other way around.

And it's not like we avoid eachother like the plague. We DO do things together, and with the kids. But we're just not typically the type of people we'd hang out with if it were not for our situation or our devotion to LR. That's why we're a V. It's LR that connects us. It's not a triad or a triangle.

I DO very much want us to be a whole, a unit, all of us as one. That is my desire and goal, but to be that, we ALL need to love eachother and respect eachother and support eachother and trust eachother. I do Love Maca as a part of my family. I do respect him enough to not step up to certian responsibilities because he's her husband, and I'm also the type of person to allow others to "go first in line" if you will. I do support Maca in every endevor he attempts or goes after. I'm the only one in their entire marriage that supported them staying together and working through all the problems and issues. I give him my support with other devestating issues he has from time to time. I support him, during arguments w/ LR, I support him with opersonal family issues, and with his struggles in growing.

But I don't trust him. I don't trust him to have the family as a whole's best interest in mind. I don't trust him when he says he wants to do things that involve me either with the kids or the family, or the three of us. His attitude says differently....
__________________
It's all about priority
"...I can't live, I can't breathe unless you do this with me..."
"...Am I a part of the cure, or am I part of the disease...?"
Reply With Quote
  #32  
Old 05-05-2010, 07:53 AM
Morningglory629's Avatar
Morningglory629 Morningglory629 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: PA
Posts: 727
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by GreenGecko View Post

I've done what I can to show Maca that I want a closer relationship with him. I'm sure could do more, and will keep trying. But it's obvious to me that he doesn't WANT it. And I don't want to "force" myself on him to be friends. I wouldn't want that either if it were the other way around.

And it's not like we avoid eachother like the plague. We DO do things together, and with the kids. But we're just not typically the type of people we'd hang out with if it were not for our situation or our devotion to LR. That's why we're a V. It's LR that connects us. It's not a triad or a triangle.

I DO very much want us to be a whole, a unit, all of us as one. That is my desire and goal, but to be that, we ALL need to love eachother and respect eachother and support eachother and trust eachother. I do Love Maca as a part of my family. I do respect him enough to not step up to certian responsibilities because he's her husband, and I'm also the type of person to allow others to "go first in line" if you will. I do support Maca in every endevor he attempts or goes after. I'm the only one in their entire marriage that supported them staying together and working through all the problems and issues. I give him my support with other devestating issues he has from time to time. I support him, during arguments w/ LR, I support him with opersonal family issues, and with his struggles in growing.

But I don't trust him. I don't trust him to have the family as a whole's best interest in mind. I don't trust him when he says he wants to do things that involve me either with the kids or the family, or the three of us. His attitude says differently....
I get this...it makes me really sad to read because I know this feeling, this frustration in not being understood or valued by the SO of your love. Be patient. So hard to do, I know! I said this to Maca you both seem to be very generous souls, and your dedication to LR will see you through this rough patch. I already think you guys are brave for taking the plunge to live together. That is real commitment to poly family living, not easy with a V. God bless and I hope your hearts heal soon.
Reply With Quote
  #33  
Old 05-05-2010, 08:01 AM
GreenGecko's Avatar
GreenGecko GreenGecko is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 35
Default

...And when I open up to him, he might listen, but it stops there. He's a very caring person and will give you the shirt off his back. But 99% of the time, he's doing it for himself. He's doing it because doing it will get him something he wants later.

It's funny, because he thinks that exact thing about me. But he's the only one that thinks that. Everyone else that "really" knows me, like LR, knows I'm not like that, I don't even think that way.

I suppose I have only myself to blame because I did hurt him and I did bold face lie to him, and I did break any amount of trust there may have been.

But I also believe that somewhere deep down, he really does want this to work. We've had some monments that were... pretty deep moments, heartfelt. I'm talking about the REAL stuff. So I know it's there in him. That's the real him. But he doesn't want me to hurt him again, so he refuses to let it out continuously with me.

I WANT so bad to give him the benefit of the doubt, but honestly, I don't think he even knows what he really wants, or else he just won't admit it to himself. And I can't break through that.

That's why LR stepped away. Because Love Never Fails.

Will we ever be best friends? Maybe but not likely. Will we ever be able to trust eachother? I think so, as long as we both decide to stop letting fear control us. Can we function as a whole unit? Yes, I believe so, but not unless it's what we each want. I want it, LR wants it, Maca does not. (or refuses to admit to himself that he does)

Real love has no conditions, and that includes of OURSELVES. We all make mistakes, but real love always forgives. Real love doesn't need promises. Real love promotes the best of others, as well as ourselves because if someone loves us, they want us to be happy and the best we can be too.

LR is the best thing that has ever happened in my life. And I know that I can be a real pain in the ass (usually because my head is stuck in it) when it comes to growth, but once I get past that point.... God it's great!

I've never known Maca to be a quitter, but I really hope he can see what is best for himself. Whatever it is. I'm tired of watching him hurt. I'm tired of watching LR hurt. I'm tired of hurting myself too.

Thanks for all your support everyone.

~GG
__________________
It's all about priority
"...I can't live, I can't breathe unless you do this with me..."
"...Am I a part of the cure, or am I part of the disease...?"

Last edited by GreenGecko; 05-05-2010 at 08:07 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #34  
Old 05-05-2010, 08:02 AM
GreenGecko's Avatar
GreenGecko GreenGecko is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 35
Default

Thanks MG. REally appreciate it.
__________________
It's all about priority
"...I can't live, I can't breathe unless you do this with me..."
"...Am I a part of the cure, or am I part of the disease...?"
Reply With Quote
  #35  
Old 05-05-2010, 08:21 AM
GreenGecko's Avatar
GreenGecko GreenGecko is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 35
Default

By the way... We've been living together in the same house for just over 7 years. We've "offically" been in a poly relationship for just over 7 months. Wow, that timing is kind of coincidental.
__________________
It's all about priority
"...I can't live, I can't breathe unless you do this with me..."
"...Am I a part of the cure, or am I part of the disease...?"
Reply With Quote
  #36  
Old 05-05-2010, 03:00 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Just wanted to pop in and say that I am very happy to see you sharing this GG. Laying it all out is a great way to address the real issues and start building that foundation you guys will need.

Can't wait to sit around a camp fire with all of you
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #37  
Old 05-05-2010, 03:58 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by GreenGecko View Post
...And when I open up to him, he might listen, but it stops there. He's a very caring person and will give you the shirt off his back. But 99% of the time, he's doing it for himself. He's doing it because doing it will get him something he wants later.
Are you sure it is that black and white. Could it simply be an expectation of reciprocation?...maybe its a I love you...you love me?...

I am very much like this, I have a hard time with unbalanced relationship structures. Its an odd way to think, and heck could be a personality disorder for all I know, but for me...lets use redpeppers fish tank analogy...if its full...and you have your own tank...and its full too...if you suddenly find it a little empty...I am more than willing to fill it, but it leaves me a little empty...if I have no one there to help keep mine full but I am always giving to other people...I end up feeling empty...

I tried to explain this to my wife, she has been sick and I have been helping and working with her for 7 years...I can stand a long time under that pressure. Our friend E is now helping me hold her up, but I now realize my reserves are empty. I have no one filling those reserves except me. Us guy guys tend to put ourselves in that position (call it a weakness if you want)...but we could use a little propping up too

I don't know if thats exactly the case with Maca, just trying to help with perspective. With LR going through her surgery, you might find thats the case...who knows.

Quote:
I suppose I have only myself to blame because I did hurt him and I did bold face lie to him, and I did break any amount of trust there may have been.
...good...you need to keep ownership of that.

Quote:
But I also believe that somewhere deep down, he really does want this to work. We've had some monments that were... pretty deep moments, heartfelt. I'm talking about the REAL stuff. So I know it's there in him. That's the real him. But he doesn't want me to hurt him again, so he refuses to let it out continuously with me.

I WANT so bad to give him the benefit of the doubt, but honestly, I don't think he even knows what he really wants, or else he just won't admit it to himself. And I can't break through that.
I know its been years, but you broke two trusts. (I don't know if you guys knew each other before hand so it could be more trusts)...You forced him to mistrust his relationship with his wife...and you broke any trust he had with you. I say those, worded specifically like that. That may never ACTUALLY heal. Some people, and some situations, respect and trust can never completely be earned again.

I know that goes against all the mantra of the poly people and love...but its just plain true. There may always be something he is holding back, protecting for himself...just in case...just in case he needs to be there to hold himself up and hold LR up when you aren't there or you break that trust. I am not justifying it by the way...just giving my perspective on everything I have seen written.

I wonder if he is protecting this peace from more than just with you, protecting that piece from everyone except LR...Giving 100% of oneself is tough, I have done it with 2 people in my life. My entire existence. My wife, and unfortunately E...I am absolutely terrified to let E hurt me with what she has possession of. All I mean by this, you might be taking his withdrawal to directly personal...

god I hope that made sense hahaha

Quote:
Will we ever be best friends? Maybe but not likely. Will we ever be able to trust eachother? I think so, as long as we both decide to stop letting fear control us. Can we function as a whole unit? Yes, I believe so, but not unless it's what we each want. I want it, LR wants it, Maca does not. (or refuses to admit to himself that he does)

Real love has no conditions, and that includes of OURSELVES. We all make mistakes, but real love always forgives. Real love doesn't need promises. Real love promotes the best of others, as well as ourselves because if someone loves us, they want us to be happy and the best we can be too.

LR is the best thing that has ever happened in my life. And I know that I can be a real pain in the ass (usually because my head is stuck in it) when it comes to growth, but once I get past that point.... God it's great!
Gotta love positivity ...

Last edited by Ariakas; 05-05-2010 at 07:56 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #38  
Old 05-05-2010, 07:54 PM
GreenGecko's Avatar
GreenGecko GreenGecko is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 35
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by GreenGecko View Post
...And when I open up to him, he might listen, but it stops there. He's a very caring person and will give you the shirt off his back. But 99% of the time, he's doing it for himself. He's doing it because doing it will get him something he wants later.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
Are you sure it is that black and white. Could it simply be an expectation of reciprocation?...maybe its a I love you...you love me?...
I should recant this part. I honestly can't say for sure if that is exactly WHY he's being caring 99% of the time. But that is how it appears to be. We both do opposites to a fault. He's always "looking out for #1"-to a fault. I'm always thinking of others and choosing them over myself-to a fault.

I do know he truly has a good heart, but his defenses are counter productive. He ends up losing, or not gaining, good relationships. Healthy relationships. That's the frustrating part.
__________________
It's all about priority
"...I can't live, I can't breathe unless you do this with me..."
"...Am I a part of the cure, or am I part of the disease...?"
Reply With Quote
  #39  
Old 05-05-2010, 07:56 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,169
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Just wanted to pop in and say that I am very happy to see you sharing this GG. Laying it all out is a great way to address the real issues and start building that foundation you guys will need.

Can't wait to sit around a camp fire with all of you
BIG HUGS (and a kiss on the cheek) just for you Mono.

I figure if this is the trigger that finally motivates them to start dumping all their little emotional baggage out to each other (instead of just to me), that alone will help!

Fingers crossed.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #40  
Old 05-05-2010, 08:18 PM
GreenGecko's Avatar
GreenGecko GreenGecko is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 35
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
I am very much like this, I have a hard time with unbalanced relationship structures. Its an odd way to think, and heck could be a personality disorder for all I know, but for me...lets use redpeppers fish tank analogy...if its full...and you have your own tank...and its full too...if you suddenly find it a little empty...I am more than willing to fill it, but it leaves me a little empty...if I have no one there to help keep mine full but I am always giving to other people...I end up feeling empty...

I tried to explain this to my wife, she has been sick and I have been helping and working with her for 7 years...I can stand a long time under that pressure. Our friend E is now helping me hold her up, but I now realize my reserves are empty. I have no one filling those reserves except me. Us guy guys tend to put ourselves in that position (call it a weakness if you want)...but we could use a little propping up too

I don't know if thats exactly the case with Maca, just trying to help with perspective. With LR going through her surgery, you might find thats the case...who knows.
It's possible that he's feeling that he has given too much and not getting enough back. How many people feel that way all the time? But I think it might also be that, because we ARE different types of people, we act, handle and deal with the same situations very differently. I am much more tolerant than he is. He is more of a take charge person than I am. He's ready to box, I'm ready to listen.

Truly, we make a great team because of those opposites. But we VIEW each other differently and often because of that, we end up feeling someone is wrong, or the other isn't dealing with said situation the "right way" or even the best way.

It IS difficult to put yourself in another's shoes. I try all the time, because that's the loving way to look at a situation, and the way to get a better perspective on an issue. But we both tend to overlook that, with our opposite ways.

I think LR recovering might take a small part in the frustration. Another log on the fire, if you will. But it goes deeper than that. He's still battling with a lyric I refer to regarding him quite often "...it's not having what you want, it's wanting what you've got..." -Sheryl Crow

I do not exist in his perfect world, but neither does LR AS LR is. He does love who she is, but I am part of the reason for that, and he can't deny that. So, therin lies the frustration. Maca does caring things for others in a general sense because he's a caring person, but he's more likely to do something caring if he's going to benefit from it. ie; Trying to accept me in my role in this lifestyle because it's what LR wants and if LR is happy, he will get benefits. When LR isn't happy, she "turns off the switch" in their relationship and there are no benefits. And now it's down to the wire.
__________________
It's all about priority
"...I can't live, I can't breathe unless you do this with me..."
"...Am I a part of the cure, or am I part of the disease...?"
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 10:49 PM.