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  #41  
Old 05-06-2010, 02:21 AM
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I just got a chance to catch up on the posts on this thread. I believe GG and I will have to have a talk tonite. Im not going to get into defending myself on the board or pointing out incorrect statments.

Ill leave it up to GG to think on what he has posted as to what/why/ how I do things in my life or with my feelings and heart.
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  #42  
Old 05-06-2010, 02:27 AM
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You know-I think it's a GOOD idea for you two talk.

But I think it's a shitty idea to not respond and correspond in regards to the rest of the topic.

As Mono said-and I repeated-you two NEED lay it out on the line and move forward.


You don't need to DEFEND yourself-but you've seen yourself how much it can help if both people lay out the facts AS THEY SEE THEM on one thread-and let everyone else put in some other perspectives. It helps BOTH people to see the bigger picture.

IF you choose NOT to talk-then the responses are going to all end up onesided-because they only HAVE one side to help. And that isn't yours.
Just like we talked about on our walk-if you want help finding answers-you have to SHARE the problem.
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  #43  
Old 05-06-2010, 02:28 AM
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In due time.
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  #44  
Old 05-06-2010, 02:56 AM
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I have attempted numerous times to really try and be friends with Maca. There are a few reasons it fails. One is that I don't "chase him down". I'm not an aggressive person, LR can attest to that. I show myself or my intentions or desires, even needs, and if no one ( or said person) responds to it, I drop it.

I've done what I can to show Maca that I want a closer relationship with him. I'm sure could do more, and will keep trying. But it's obvious to me that he doesn't WANT it. And I don't want to "force" myself on him to be friends. I wouldn't want that either if it were the other way around.

Im sure we both would admitt that the only time that an attempt is made to be " friends" is when LR has a shit fit about the fact that we are not friends.I havent allowed myself to trust your intentions. Ive known from the time of the affair that you want to be " with LR " enough so that you were willing to risk breaking up our marriage. So when you extend an invitation to be friends and it happens when LR is throughing a fit about us not being friends, is it really you wanting to be frineds or our you jus trying to keep her happy?

We have just spent the last few months dealing with the fact that you dont do anything for you. You do it because someone else wants you to do it. SO why would I believe that you want to be friends? You dont make it easy to believe that it is "YOU" thats wants a friendship. At least I have the balls to say that Im not sure that I want a deep friendship with you. I dont even know who you are , YOU dont even know who you are.

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I'm the only one in their entire marriage that supported them staying together and working through all the problems and issues.
This is very true. He knows and knew then that LR wouldnt leave me for him.

Quote:
But I don't trust him. I don't trust him to have the family as a whole's best interest in mind. I don't trust him when he says he wants to do things that involve me either with the kids or the family, or the three of us. His attitude says differently..
Im a protector I dont trust those that dont protect LR or my kids from there friends or family.
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Last edited by ImaginaryIllusion; 05-06-2010 at 03:27 AM. Reason: Tag formatting
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  #45  
Old 05-06-2010, 03:29 AM
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Hopefully both you and GG will be here in the summer Maca. Bonfires and beer have a way of bonding people...if all else fails I'm seriously gonna get Redpepper to go Mistress on both your asses



Just to clarify...that's "non-sexual Mistress"...all the pain but none of the drain if you get my meaning
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  #46  
Old 05-06-2010, 03:34 AM
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..
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And when I open up to him, he might listen, but it stops there. He's a very caring person and will give you the shirt off his back. But 99% of the time, he's doing it for himself. He's doing it because doing it will get him something he wants later.
Seriously??? I was caring enough for LR and my family and for your feelings when I said I would stay and work on understanding Poly and understanding why/ how LR can love more then one. SO I could get what? Laid? Money?Security? What did I get? I can get laid. I make enough money. Im less secure being in a new dynamic ( that I swore I would never be in). I knew the night I said I would try that you were not going to leave. So what the hell was I trying to get out of the biggest and hardest decision I have ever made?

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I suppose I have only myself to blame because I did hurt him and I did bold face lie to him, and I did break any amount of trust there may have been.

But I also believe that somewhere deep down, he really does want this to work. We've had some monments that were... pretty deep moments, heartfelt. I'm talking about the REAL stuff. So I know it's there in him. That's the real him. But he doesn't want me to hurt him again, so he refuses to let it out continuously with me.
Its very hard for me to believe in you GG.

Quote:
I WANT so bad to give him the benefit of the doubt, but honestly, I don't think he even knows what he really wants, or else he just won't admit it to himself. And I can't break through that.
I know what I want GG. My issue is not in knowing what I want but in knowing how to get it. I still have to build a trust in you, I still have insecurities and jealousy that I have to deal with.
I have asked you several times in the last month what it is you want in this dynamic. What it is that you see as the goal. What your needs are. Have you given me anything to work with?


Quote:
Will we ever be best friends? Maybe but not likely.
Agreed

Quote:
Will we ever be able to trust eachother? I think so, as long as we both decide to stop letting fear control us.
Again I agree

Quote:
Can we function as a whole unit? Yes, I believe so, but not unless it's what we each want. I want it, LR wants it, Maca does not. (or refuses to admit to himself that he does)
GG- If I didnt WANT us to function as a unit why would I promote movie cuddle time? Why would I buy a ring and a card for LR and then offer you a chance to put your name on it and give it to her WITH me for V-Day?Why would I stand up to the nurse at the hosp when she wasnt going to let you go back to see LR with me after her surgery?Why would I offer going to YOUR siblings house( who hate LR) with you to back you up? Those things may mean nothing to you but they are major to me.




Quote:
I've never known Maca to be a quitter, but I really hope he can see what is best for himself. Whatever it is. I'm tired of watching him hurt. I'm tired of watching LR hurt. I'm tired of hurting myself too.
Quitting is not an option for me. Never will be.If we can all take care of each other and protect each other then we have a chance of promoting each other to be the best person that we can be.
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  #47  
Old 05-06-2010, 03:39 AM
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Hopefully both you and GG will be here in the summer Maca. Bonfires and beer have a way of bonding people...if all else fails I'm seriously gonna get Redpepper to go Mistress on both your asses



Just to clarify...that's "non-sexual Mistress"...all the pain but none of the drain if you get my meaning
We will be there ( both of us) ( even if I have to beat his ass and pack him in my suit case)

Im good at my typ of Domming but I dont think I want to cross paddles with RP!
Well maybe once Ill even let her go first
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  #48  
Old 05-06-2010, 03:53 AM
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Originally Posted by maca View Post
We will be there ( both of us) ( even if I have to beat his ass and pack him in my suit case)

Im good at my typ of Domming but I dont think I want to cross paddles with RP!
Well maybe once Ill even let her go first
Woohoo! Can't wait my friend Thanks for opening up on here, it's not a requirement but other people will learn from all of your input so it is much appreciated.

Time to watch a movie..take care
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  #49  
Old 05-06-2010, 04:14 AM
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Our friend E is now helping me hold her up, but I now realize my reserves are empty. I have no one filling those reserves except me. Us guy guys tend to put ourselves in that position (call it a weakness if you want)...but we could use a little propping up too
I completly put myself into "healing LR" I didnt take any breaks I didnt miss an appointment, I didnt put myself ahead of her. I didnt do it alone, I had people that helped but the one guy that mattered the most ( besides myself) was there part time.






Quote:
I know its been years, but you broke two trusts. (I don't know if you guys knew each other before hand so it could be more trusts)...You forced him to mistrust his relationship with his wife...and you broke any trust he had with you. I say those, worded specifically like that. That may never ACTUALLY heal. Some people, and some situations, respect and trust can never completely be earned again.
I have only ever been able to do it with LR and my Father.I havent managed to do it with my Mother.

Quote:
I know that goes against all the mantra of the poly people and love...but its just plain true. There may always be something he is holding back, protecting for himself...just in case...just in case he needs to be there to hold himself up and hold LR up when you aren't there or you break that trust. I am not justifying it by the way...just giving my perspective on everything I have seen written.
As I was responding to this quote I realised I was keep account of all the times that GG let LR or I down. What I wasnt doing was taking into account all the times he was there for her when I wasnt. So I deleted my first response and wrote this instead. I do hold back a " reserve " it has been nessecary as of late. But that is not an excuse. Your post has given me food or thought. Ill give this thought some time to sink in .

Quote:
I wonder if he is protecting this peace from more than just with you, protecting that piece from everyone except LR...Giving 100% of oneself is tough, I have done it with 2 people in my life. My entire existence. My wife, and unfortunately E...I am absolutely terrified to let E hurt me with what she has possession of. All I mean by this, you might be taking his withdrawal to directly personal...
Bingo! Im not a " open book " I dont let many people in past acquaintance. Im learning to be more open to people but I slam the door shut fast if they hurt me, LR or my kids.
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  #50  
Old 05-06-2010, 04:59 AM
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Yes, Im a guys guy he is not. Im a take charge guy , he is a wait and see guy. Im a protector he is the one that gets protected. We are very different.
This is true-you are a take charge, protective guys guy. GG is a wait and see guy that all the girls are comfortable hanging out with and confiding in and we do all tend to be protective of him, because he's really really good at being our FRIEND.

BUT-you are both interested in the same types of music,

enjoy the same types of movies,

like to drink the same types of beer,

hang out around the campfire,

play a game of pool (you tend towards being more competitive, but you both enjoy the break),

dancing (not together obviously haha),

you are both fiercely devoted to the love of your life (me) though you show it different ways,

you both are fiercely devoted to your children (again, you show it different ways),

you both feel that it's your job to provide for the family,

you both are emotional men who don't see any weakness in giving another man you care deeply for a hug and even a kiss on the cheek,

you both have a great respect for the same people,

you both believe in God,

you both feel unsure of yourselves often,

you both doubt your worthiness in relationships often,

you both are distrustful of others with your own self,

you both have ONE other person besides me that you TRULY trust with yourself (you trust your father, GG trusts whatever the fuck he nicknamed his other best friend)

you both get along famously with my sister, finishing sentences and laughing and loving her with abandon,

you both are held back by fear of the unknown

you both are held back by fear of failure

you both are struggling to improve not so great communication skills

you both are trying to find the answer to this problem and then giving up over and over again because you are afraid the other one isn't trying

you both love me

I love both of you

Our kids love both of you

and you are both breaking my heart and the kids hearts because you keep panicking and running from this family instead of grasping hold with both hands and holding on for dear life when the panick hits....
which is something YOU taught me Maca....

Quote:
I have to addmit that I do feel a competitive streak in regards to LR's attention. For 10 1/2 years I thought I had her full attention and in the last 7 months I have had to learn how to share it.
You have made admirable strides in this. Just remember, just because you thought you had my full attention and you thought it was your right, doesn't mean it was. It was never fair for ALL of my attention to be on you and even when you chose to pretend it was, it wasn't anyway. EVEN in a mono relationship-each partners attention isn't always on each other. We have 4 children together and I have Z as well. Then there is my little sister, Em and GG. There are others who have earned the right to my attention.
ALSO-they have earned the right for YOUR attention AND you have earned the right to THEIR attention. If you just open your heart-like you did with Blaidwyns wife (can't remember her login to save my life) you will find that there is PLENTY of attention for us all to share and keep ourselves so busy you'll never have to feel as though you are missing out! xo

Quote:
The biggest thing holding me back is fear.
Always has been. Generally speaking that's true for most people I would guess. But that doesn't mean you have to let it win.

Quote:
LR and he hurt me more than anyone else ever has( with the affair) I loved LR then and I love her now so I have forgave her and I have let her back in close to my heart( knowing full well that she could hurt me again) I did not and do not "love" GG so letting him in close to my heart by forming a friendship more then just "buddies" scares the shit out of me and Im ( as I stated above) a protector. I even protect myself.
Love isn't the major difference. Even if you don't love someone you can choose to forgive them. BUT you ALWAYS have to choose to, even if you do love someone. FEAR is what is holding you back. FEAR of what people will think of you. FEAR that you will look weak, like less of a man.

IF we are ever going to REALLY set sail in this beautiful boat (to borrow from Kat's analogy) we're going to have to be REAL with each other. You BOTH need to be REAL with each other-not just with me in hidden moments. Do you gotta measure cock size etc? HELL NO. But you do need to be honest and upfront and open about what it is that is holding you back in this relationship.

In pieces of your posts on here you both were, and then there are spots like this-where you both did not.

The truth is that it's scary to contemplate having an alternative relationship and even if GG and I hadn't had an affair-there would still be fear of what people would think about you "letting your wife fuck another man". The truth is that most won't give a damn-cause they don't REALLY give a damn about you.
Others will be offended because their minds are too small and shallow to handle such a complicated idea as compersion is.
OTHERS will think "huh" and move on curiously.
The ones who REALLY matter have already told YOU that they love you-PERIOD.

So there is no reason for YOU to fear people thinking you are weak. You are NOT weak. You are very strong-somtimes TOO strong. But you are sure as hell not weak. Kinky-yes, weak, NO.
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