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  #11  
Old 10-12-2009, 11:58 PM
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Default you're so brave!

Hi, Maca, I just want to say how brave you are for pursuing keeping this relationship going, and for working on your relationship with your wife's other partner. I'm new to poly, never been married, and always thought I was 'wired' monogamous then had everything flip 180 degrees suddenly. A mix of my best gal friend coming out to me as poly, then two nice guys both wound up in my life and in my bed withing a few months of each other, one of them poly, one just sort of wild and trying to figure out his deal. Anyway for me it's all about digging in my heart to find my insecurities, face them, and cross my fingers and hope my jealousy can flip to mad hot lust, which it has been doing, regularly.

Take things slow, big changes to how you though your heart was shaped can be a rocky ride, and don't be hard on yourself!

Good luck!
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  #12  
Old 10-16-2009, 03:45 AM
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I have hit some snags with my insecurities.Im really trying to get down to the core of my feelings but its not so easy Its so hard to let go of what I was taught was "right".But Im still here and still loving of my wife and myself.
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  #13  
Old 10-16-2009, 03:51 AM
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My love-

No worddies-be happy.

I think she said it best and it works so well-just follow her footsteps, she's a miracle-her name isn't Trinity on accident....
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  #14  
Old 10-16-2009, 04:04 AM
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Stay true to yourself brother...if you do that you can't go wrong
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  #15  
Old 10-17-2009, 12:34 AM
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Thanks Mono. Ive talked with LR and we decided that I could go the the couseling meeting tonite solo.I didnt see any reason to wait till next week. I also started a journal so I could look back at the feelings and emotions I had each day and see why I had them and then see if what I was fearing was real or just insecurities.
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  #16  
Old 10-17-2009, 05:19 PM
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Thanks Mono. Ive talked with LR and we decided that I could go the the couseling meeting tonite solo.I didnt see any reason to wait till next week. I also started a journal so I could look back at the feelings and emotions I had each day and see why I had them and then see if what I was fearing was real or just insecurities.
This is great news my friend. I do worry a little that the idea of you going solo implies that this is "your problem". There could be an argument for the requirement of solo counseling on the other end of this relationship as well. I just don't want to see you taking on the sense that the survival of your marriage rests soley on your shoulders or hinges on your ability to accept poly. It doesn't, it also depends on your partners need and reasons for pursuing poly. There really are two sides to this so never lose sight of that.
I wish you and your family all the love, happiness and prosperity in the world my friend.

Take care
Mono
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  #17  
Old 10-17-2009, 10:41 PM
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Mono-you are very right. There are many things for each of us to deal with. I am a much less private person than Maca though and am more comfortable just saying what I need to talk about, deal with or work though "with an audience" than he is.
Many of the issues plaguing him right now are quite personal and it's daunting for him to think about them, much less do so with both myself AND a counselor in the room. I can respect that.
We are scheduled to do every other week. One week together and one for him alone. If something does come up that I really feel I need to speak with the therapist alone to deal with I will for sure ask to do so, and this counselor seems quite on top of his game so to speak, so if HE feels like he and I need to meet alone I'm sure he will advise that as well.
But mostly I prefer that I just speak up in front of Maca from here on out. For two many years I've kept my mouth shut in an attempt to keep his heart safe and frankly-it doesn't work and it only hurts both of us. Since I know that to be my weakness-I think it's better for me to address my issues with him, not without him.

ANYWAY-we are definately not looking at this from a "Maca needs to get his shit together for us to stay married". Well-at least I'm not!
I know we have already made so much progress with our marriage and our life and I know we can make even more now that we are really working as a team.

The counseling appointment for maca went great (I'll leave details for him to share or not share as he see's fit). He came home and took ANOTHER chance by sharing the experience not only with me, but with C and me. It was a little unnerving for him-but of course C cares for him very much as well-and it went well. That gave him a little reassurance, and when my sister came home he shared it with her too. When we went to bed he commented that it felt good to be able to share things that were a little unnerving with all of us and get a good response. He's never really tried that before.

I'm amazed by how quickly things have come together with just 3 sessions together working on our communication and then this one session on his own too. There is no doubt in my mind that Maca and I will stay married. There is also no doubt in my mind that we are meant to be together and my love for C doesn't in anyway change that truth. I also believe that the more we learn, the more we open up to one another and the closer we get the more amazing our life will become and the better it will be.

I worry for him when he's hurting. By my nature I want to take all those pains and wash them away-but that is part of how we got into the mess we got into, because I have to let HIM take the steps, not make the steps on his behalf!

I know he's scared-but he's learning quite quickly that unlike some other significant people in his life, I am not leaving him. I won't leave him for C and I won't leave him for anyone else or anything else either. He has nothing to fear on that account!!!

Thank you for befriending him-he needs more friends!
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  #18  
Old 10-18-2009, 02:50 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
This is great news my friend. I do worry a little that the idea of you going solo implies that this is "your problem". There could be an argument for the requirement of solo counseling on the other end of this relationship as well. I just don't want to see you taking on the sense that the survival of your marriage rests soley on your shoulders or hinges on your ability to accept poly. It doesn't, it also depends on your partners need and reasons for pursuing poly. There really are two sides to this so never lose sight of that.


Take care
Mono
Mono you really are a stand up guy. LR really likes you and RP and I can see why.You bring up a very good point and although it would be easy to blame and hold myself personnely responsible for the ultimate outcome of our marriage. Im really just dealing with the hurt from my childhood, I have issues with abandonment and not feeling good enough or loved. I could start a thread but Im sure no one wants to hear about my childhood and my mistrust of women and ppl in general.

I just want to be happy with myself and be able to be open and honest with the ppl around me.If for some reason this marriage or poly arrangement dosent work I still want to be able to be a healthier and more approachable loving man.

Its very helpful reading your posts Mono. It helps knowing that you can be a strong guys guy and that its ok to run up against strong feelings that make you feel weak. Wish you guys lived in Alaska.
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  #19  
Old 10-18-2009, 04:39 AM
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I could start a thread but Im sure no one wants to hear about my childhood and my mistrust of women and ppl in general.

I just want to be happy with myself and be able to be open and honest with the ppl around me.If for some reason this marriage or poly arrangement dosent work I still want to be able to be a healthier and more approachable loving man.

.
Thanks for the king words, Maca.
I went to counseling after I made serious mistakes that ruined my marriage and family. I found great insight and growth through seven months of intense sessions and only stopped when I was told I had taught my counselor something, which was his gauge of my progress. I continued my growth and understanding of myself through self analysis, being alone and certainly through my love for Redpepper. I would not be as far along as I am without her.

Please do tell us your story...you might be surprised who you might help and in the process I guarantee you you will help yourself. That is what this forum has done for me. It gave me a medium to share and explore in depth who I am and how I work.

Take care
Mono
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  #20  
Old 10-24-2009, 10:10 PM
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What a rough night. I cant say it the first snag [I] have hit but I will say its the hardest one. I have been have communications with a lady that is open to poly life styles. She is a friend of the family and has shown an intrest in BEING with one or both of us. She is married to a nice guy who is also open to this dynamic. LR is not interested in persuing a sexual or romantic addition to the allready friendship. So far sounds ok right??

Well in being so naive and not being considerate to LR and the other lady I didnt communicate ,the fact that I was considering moving my friendship to another level ,with LR nor did I tell the other lady that I hadnt been open with LR.I didnt intentionally keep it a secret, hell I didnt even really think about it till LR asked me what I was thinking and I told her about it. She was so hurt.( not because I was talking about moving the friendship to another level but because I didnt talk to her about it )

Thats when I realised I was not being loving ,open or honest with the 2 of them.They are friends and I could have damaged that relationship between them. I have sence sent an appology to both LR and the other lady.

I wonder if I will ever be able to not F' things up in relationships.It feels like I take a step forward then fall on my ass roll down the hill, and land in the ditch with a face full of mud.
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