Miserable, Doing it wrong. No idea what to do next

Okay, deep breath.

I've tried typing this three times now, and I'm not getting anywhere. There is too much.

I will attempt to sum up.

I've been married for 16 years, monogamously. Over the last 10 or so years I've become more interested in Poly as a concept. Recently I've met someone, and fallen in love. My feelings are reciprocated. We have had a brief emotional (NOT physical) affair.

I am still in love with my wife. My wife is aware of the situation, and unhappy about it. We've gone backwards and forwards several times. I have declared that I'm not willing to end the relationship with this new woman, I don't wish to leave my wife, but I understand if she is not willing to be with me.

Initially we instigated a large set of relatively arbitrary rules around what was and wasn't acceptable, to give my wife time to.... adjust and accept.

This (unsurprisingly) did not work well, and after a particular meltdown with my wife, where I felt she was crippling my new relationship and she felt I was more concerned over that relationship than my existing one we reached a new compromise, whereby I acknowledged that my actions had destroyed our monogamous relationship, and from this point I would start a new non-monogamous relationship with my wife, and concurrently with this new woman, and that neither of the women I was in love with were permitted to limit or constrain my other relationship.

This continued for a short while with my wife becoming progressively less happy until it became obvious to my new partner that I was not coping with the stress.

She has temporarily separated from me in order to allow time for my existing relationship to become strong enough and stable enough for her presence.

Currently I am miserable, missing her more with every day. She is miserable, and deeply regrets leaving me even temporarily. I don't know HOW to work on marriage or make it "strong enough". My wife feels that even though she's "left", she still here in every way that matters.

My wife believes that over time, we can heal, she can adjust, and I will be able to have a relationship with this woman when we are......... stronger.

I have no idea what to do. I'm struggling to make it through each day.

There is so much I've missed above, or glossed over. And it's still a small novel.

I............ don't know what to do, other than trying to make it through until morning. Everyday.

Thoughts?

Hey Remnant,

I'm relatively new to the forums myself, but you might find in my story something similar to what your wife is feeling.

Polyamory is difficult, Remnant. Affair recovery is difficult. I think I would have been able to do either on its own, but doing both at the same time was impossible for my wife and I. Many experienced counsellors would also say it is impossible. But I was stubborn and found 3 so far where an affair in monogamy transitioned to polyamory. Sadly, I don't think any of these have lasted more than a year yet, so maybe the counsellors are right.

Example 1: A man cheated on his wife in a previously monogamous relationship and his wife agreed to enter polyamory. Somewhat unexpectedly, the wife and the affair partner developed a sexual relationship, which probably helped with the transition and feelings of jealousy. Another factor that I think is helpful is that the wife had full control over how quickly the transition process took place as evidenced by the fact that she called it all off after 2 months, took a while to process it, then said they could try again. Polyamory took a few months to happen but we hear nothing from the author after a while. Experienced polyamorists all over will say that this is an exceptional circumstance and I feel that the fact that it lasted even a few months is incredible. I hope it's still continuing but experienced polyamorists seem to feel that the situation would probably not work out in the long run.

Example 2: This guy is awesome. He and his wife transitioned from being a previously monogamous couple to a polyamorous relationship from what I believe was his wife's emotional affair. You may ask Al99 directly as to how he did this, but I feel that factors helping Al99 include his wife's commitment to proceeding with polyamory at the rate of the slowest person (that is, at Al's rate, or equivalently, giving Al99 full control of the rate at which he was comfortable with the progression of her relationship with her affair partner), a long distance relationship that limits physical contact to once a month, and Al's unique ability to really work through jealousy and feel compersion.

Example 3: This is similar to #1 above, where a man cheats on his wife and then end up in a triad with love expressed between the two women. The poster refers to multiple problems but doesn't mention how long they've been doing poly for.

Example 4: From post 19 onwards, JaneQSmythe, an already experienced polyamorist, describes how an emotional/semi-physical affair almost completely destroyed her and her partner. It took years to recover to where it is now. I will highlight that JaneQSmythe and her partner only had to deal with an affair or broken boundaries, and did not have to deal with a transition from monogamy to polyamory at the same time, potentially making this easier, though I'm sure JaneQSmythe found nothing easy about the situation at the time.

To balance these examples, I must say that by far the most common scenario is a breakup and you can easily find hundreds of these. Even without attempting polyamory, affairs on their own often break up couples. When you combine the hurt of an emotional affair by legally sanctioning it, then progress to physical sex, the original partner can feel displaced. The article is called living in poly hell and describes a trap that many people transitioning to poly fall into, including my wife and myself.

I will end by saying that my wife and I really felt that we had an unsinkable ship before this started. The one hole in our relationship was my wife's desire for relationships with other men which, as a monogamous couple, we never found a way of dealing with. Polyamory gave us a philosophy in which we could understand and deal with this. Polyamory was wonderful. We took to polyamory like it was a blessing but attempted to transition too fast. Polyamory is hard. Real hard. A relationship that starts with an affair has lots of invisible hurts that needs to be healed. I never saw any hurt in me as I started polyamory. Her affair didn't bother me in the least. I was filled with compersion for my wife. I really felt like I was falling in love again. I was so excited, so keen, and really, so arrogant in thinking I would not suffer from jealousy. After I started polyamory, all the hurts and injustices of the last 10 years just seemed to pour in - hurts and injustices that had never bothered me in the past. It was a really painful experience for me, Remnant.

In summary, I feel that the main hurt you are describing is your loss of the other woman. I feel that the main hurt you are describing for your wife is 'how the other woman is not really there but is there in everything that matters'. I feel that you and your wife have agreed verbally to build a stronger relationship, but because your main hurts are different, your final goals are different. I believe that lack of a shared final goal may be contributing to some of the struggles you are currently experiencing.

As advice, I feel you and your wife may need a shared final goal to be able to proceed. As a side bonus, you may be able to do polyamory in the future. She tried polyamory under tremendously difficult circumstances out of what I feel is a desire to still be with you. She clearly loves you and seems to want to trust you again, but to expect her to trust your affair partner and to expect her to desire a future with your affair partner is probably not possible at such short notice. I think you guys can totally do poly! But you probably need more time, and your wife may never feel totally safe with your affair partner.

Good luck! I hope things work out for you,
Shaya.

Thanks for the reply Shaya,

Not...... promising, or hopeful, but..... Thank you.

The examples certainly don't provide much in the way of hope :/ My wife is very definitely heterosexual, and currently the 2 women are......... significantly irritated with each other.

My marriage, my wife are important to me. I DO love my wife. I don't WANT to leave. But it does not compare to how I feel about the new relationship. SOME of that may be NRE, but........... it's definitely more than that.

I have tried..... being open and honest, telling my wife how important this new relationship is, what it means to me, that it doesn't mean I'm leaving, but I understand if that is what she needs.

And I have been told repeatedly that...... she CAN get there, in time. That she will accept..... eventually.

I...... am at a place where if I have to chose between my wife and my new partner, I will choose my new partner. With no hesitation. But...... If I'm choosing between my new partner and BOTH my wife and my new partner....... Then that's my choice, even if it takes a little while to get there.

And that's what I was doing. I chose my new partner. I started exploring and developing that relationship, and damn the cost. My wife "acknowledged without accepting" that. Chose to stay with me while I did that, and took every opportunity to express how I was making her feel, until my new partner expressed a desire to step back while my wife "adjusted". I did that.

It's been 4 days. I don't see how I will make a week, I have no understanding of what needs to happen for my wife to "adjust".
I.... don't know what I'm doing. or why.

Hello,
I'm sorry for your pain. I've been the one starting an emotional affair while in a monogamous relationship, which was 'only' three years old at that time. The months when we were trying to 'make this work' before the inevitable breakup were one of the most painful in my life.
(I'm not saying a break up with your wife is inevitable for you, though, that was my situation.)

Shaya is giving you the overall picture pretty well --- he's the expert on transitioning from affairs to polyamory now

The biggest problem may be, that your wife is trying to fit something that isn't her relationship style. If that is it, you may not be able to make it work with both.

Remnant said:

She has temporarily separated from me in order to allow time for my existing relationship to become strong enough and stable enough for her presence.

Currently I am miserable, missing her more with every day. She is miserable, and deeply regrets leaving me even temporarily. I don't know HOW to work on marriage or make it "strong enough". My wife feels that even though she's "left", she still here in every way that matters.

Click to expand...

This seems to be the most urgent part right now. Let me tell you the problems I see:
1) Your GF has broken up with you 'temporarily' to give you and your wife space.
2) You're still in contact though, so the breakup is not even complete.
3) The solution doesn't work for you, because you didn't want to break up, and miss your GF.
4) The solution doesn't work for GF, as she misses you.
5) The solution doesn't work for your wife, as she feels your GF is still there.
6) You don't know how to work on the relationship with your wife.

It seems the situation is unstable as it is, and you have to make some kind of decision. It could be breaking up with your wife, or breaking up with your GF, and working on one of the relationships properly. It could be to say 'ok, this solution is not working', get back together with gf, and renew your decision to work on the relationships with both women - seeking other arrangements. This would likely involve taking the time for some serious affair recovery work with your wife, provided she is still willing to be in the network. It could be making this 'break' your decision, giving it a few months of no contact and seriously working with your wife in therapy (with the risk that maybe after a long break your gf is no longer willing to have a relationship). It could involve taking a week off and by yourself to figure out what it actually is you are willing and able to do.

In any case, you have to be identified with the solution you choose (and they should be identified with the solution they choose). You have to arrive at an inner place where you have decided what is important and don't waver.

Thanks Tinwen,
That.........makes a lot of sense.

I particularly liked this:

It seems the situation is unstable as it is, and you have to make some kind of decision.
A

It could be breaking up with your wife, or breaking up with your GF, and working on one of the relationships properly.

Click to expand...

B

It could be to say 'ok, this solution is not working', get back together with gf, and renew your decision to work on the relationships with both women - seeking other arrangements. This would likely involve taking the time for some serious affair recovery work with your wife, provided she is still willing to be in the network.

Click to expand...

C

It could be making this 'break' your decision, giving it a few months of no contact and seriously working with your wife in therapy (with the risk that maybe after a long break your gf is no longer willing to have a relationship).

Click to expand...

D

It could involve taking a week off and by yourself to figure out what it actually is you are willing and able to do.

Click to expand...

However I....... don't understand the difference between A (well, half of it) and C (unless you were think A would be permanent), and I didn't understand " - seeking other arrangements."

You say you've been married 16 years but have been interested in polyamory for 10 years... Was your wife at all aware of your interest of the past decade?

Magdlyn said:

You say you've been married 16 years but have been interested in polyamory for 10 years... Was your wife at all aware of your interest of the past decade?

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No. One of the issues in my marriage was my complete inability to communicate

Remnant said:

However I....... don't understand the difference between A (well, half of it) and C (unless you were think A would be permanent), and I didn't understand " - seeking other arrangements."

Click to expand...

Yes, i thought of A as permanent.
Btw., is how comfortable (and experienced) is your GF with polyamory in general?

Seeking other arrangements ... well, you have some wiggle room within having a relationship with two people. Clearly, your previous agreements didn't work. Is there a way to find something that does work?

It seems. You tried "a bunch of arbitrary rules" and "I decide about my relationships alone". I think the way in between is "I make agreements to make the relationships run as smoothly as possible".

These could include housing arrangements like living alone vs. living all together (probably not feasible now), scheduling enough time with your wife that will not be interrupted by gf texting and gf talk, limiting overnights, your wife and gf not having to meet each other, and a lot of other major of minor things which all three of you can agree and/or compromise on.

Let me warn you though that these are cosmetic details if the big picture is off. I didn't read your second post before writing my first one.

I started exploring and developing that relationship, and damn the cost. My wife "acknowledged without accepting" that.

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Let me be clear, I understand. In a sense I did that. But it is not kind or respectful behavior towards your wife. You've put her on the second rail, behind your gf in priority.
She chose to stay, probably because she's hoping that you come back after NRE is over, but there's really no way she can accept this attitude of yours longterm. She would be hurting herself terribly. You have to come around to valuing what you have built together, or it is kinder to let her go.
My opinion, anyway.

I see several good things here:

1. You are aware you handled it badly
2. As much as it hurts both of you, your new relationship is on a break till things are sorted with your wife.
3. Your wife says that there is a possibility with time.
4. You have not had sex with your new partner. Cliched as it may sound. Sex sort of tends to become its own milestone, and if your wife is not happy, it will feel like cheating to her.

Several not-so-good things here.

1. Informing is not consent.
2. You come across as very ambivalent about your relationship with your wife. You love her, but if she can't handle it, ok fine kind of thing. Doesn't exactly scream of your interest in her and is bound to make her feel insecure. While it is true that you will have to resolve conflicts that emerge one way or the other, stating a likely conclusion before the point is reached seems distancing.
3. Stating point 2 while in NRE seems unwise.

Some things that occur to me:

You are in NRE.

This is the worst time to take a call on existing relationships.

Appreciate that hurt as your wife is, she isn't screaming "NEVER" and sees it as a possibility in the future though she can't cope with it right now.

It may be a good idea to focus on feeling poly rather the new woman alone. (Slightly easier in NRE than focusing on "same old" existing partner - as a thinking process). That will allow you to enjoy your poly feelings which involve love for both women and treasure your wife as well, in a time when NRE will tend to distract you.

IMO rules that don't work are generally an indication for a need for control when feeling vulnerable. It is like the partner who wants every detail of their partner's date with someone else, to feel secure, instead of simply asking for more attention, affection, sex, etc. Because it is not easy to state intimate needs to someone you perceive as losing interest in you. So you make a rule. You have to do this with me, etc. It is just a way of trying to guarantee some kind of a say in what goes on instead of feeling shut out.

An emotionally mature partner's response to rules, in my view should be showering their partner with sincere appreciation for who they are. In 99% of cases, I bet a well loved partner wouldn't be bothered if you also find happiness with another person. If she perceives you as losing interest in her, and being attracted to someone (NRE can make it look so, even if it isn't true, so you have to guard against that), what looks like an upcoming honeymoon to you looks like abandonment to her.

In my view, your skills as a hinge need work. You won't be able to pull off poly if you can't sustain a relationship while adding one. And this means your current partner feeling loved by you. Or you will just end up a circumstancial serial mono, losing interest in one when dazzled with a new one, even though you identify as poly.

Claiming to love her but "I understand if she is not willing to be with me" while in the process of trying to fix your marriage is mixed messages. On one hand it is "lets make it work" on another, it is "leave if you want" - not exactly a ringing declaration of love. You should be reviving your relationship with her, helping her feel more secure about you, so that she can eventually reach that place she claims is possible when you can be poly. Or at least give it a sincere shot.

If you really want to make it work, you are going to have to figure out how to love her.

Remnant said:

No. One of the issues in my marriage was my complete inability to communicate.

Click to expand...

Well, that's your main problem right there, perhaps. Poly can't be successful without self awareness, and openly and honestly communicating with your partners.

You sound like if given half a chance, you'd leave your wife for your girlfriend... Wife has been blindsided and yet you gave her an ultimatum-- kind of, "You're not the boss of me, I'm gonna do what I want."

Your gf is being more sensitive to your wife's feelings and needs than you are. You are being self centered and are swamped with NRE. I would suggest therapy. Not even necessarily couples counseling-- individual counseling for you, to learn why you kept your wife in the dark, and to learn how to be more respectful and open with yourself and others in your life.

You kind of sound like you're using polyamory as an excuse for a breakup and fresh start with the new and shiny person.

Tinwen:

GF is...... substantially more experienced than I am.

And yes, I feel I probably did that. It was after previous attempts failed. I decided, after a confrontation, that I was unwilling to accept the limitations my wife required.
"kinder to let her go". This is....... complex. It was an incredibly difficult decision for me, but in the end that is what I decided. And she chose not to go. I have...... difficulty accepting that I should leave, or force her out, that's certainly not what I WANT.

Remnant said:

I acknowledged that my actions had destroyed our monogamous relationship, and from this point I would start a new non-monogamous relationship with my wife, and concurrently with this new woman, and that neither of the women I was in love with were permitted to limit or constrain my other relationship.

Click to expand...

In my home, this would be the recipe for the doghouse. If my partner isn't making me happy right now and is informing me about the things I am not PERMITTED on top of that, while pursuing his quest to make someone else happy.... yep. I'd kick him out, actually.

In our relationship, the rules are for Spexy. He trusts me to not hurt him no matter what I do, so there are no rules for me - his words. But I dare say that if I got into a new relationship and he was unhappy and insecure, if I attempted to also draw lines he couldn't cross with me..... I'd be grounded with a reality check. Do I want this precious man in my life? Do I want him happy? So why am I not working on that instead of heaping things he should and shouldn't do while already miserable? Who is the hinge? Whose responsibility is it to LOVE more than one including the existing one?

We don't actually control each other in that sense. But we are both in full agreement that commitment to the relationship means that problems in it are priority one.

anamikanon said:

In my home, this would be the recipe for the doghouse. If my partner isn't making me happy right now and is informing me about the things I am not PERMITTED on top of that, while pursuing his quest to make someone else happy.... yep. I'd kick him out, actually.

In our relationship, the rules are for Spexy. He trusts me to not hurt him no matter what I do, so there are no rules for me - his words. But I dare say that if I got into a new relationship and he was unhappy and insecure, if I attempted to also draw lines he couldn't cross with me..... I'd be grounded with a reality check. Do I want this precious man in my life? Do I want him happy? So why am I not working on that instead of heaping things he should and shouldn't do while already miserable? Who is the hinge? Whose responsibility is it to LOVE more than one including the existing one?

We don't actually control each other in that sense. But we are both in full agreement that commitment to the relationship means that problems in it are priority one.

Click to expand...

I'm not sure if I was.... unclear, or we fundamentally disagree, but when I say "not permitted to" I mean that (following a failed attempt allowing her to constrain) neither partner was permitted to constrain the relationship that they were not involved in. So "I want more of your time" is perfectly acceptable, but "I want you to see less of her" is not. Don't kiss her today. No footsies. Hugs must be less than 30s. No nudes. It..... may not have been the best way to handle the situation but..... allowing my wife to issue directive relating to my new relationship (arbitrary and changing directives) seemed...... unhealthy

Remnant said:

Tinwen:

GF is...... substantially more experienced than I am.

And yes, I feel I probably did that. It was after previous attempts failed. I decided, after a confrontation, that I was unwilling to accept the limitations my wife required.
"kinder to let her go". This is....... complex. It was an incredibly difficult decision for me, but in the end that is what I decided. And she chose not to go. I have...... difficulty accepting that I should leave, or force her out, that's certainly not what I WANT.

Click to expand...

What a mess. You don't sound poly, you sound mono, transitioning from one relationship you have lost interest to the other you find more attractive. Essentially you have moved on already. Ignore my previous posts.

If your girlfriend is poly, I'd be very surprised if this doesn't raise major red flags for her. Because if you identify as poly and are actually mono, you'll seek new partners, but won't be able to sustain previous ones (which will be her next time). I am not at all surprised that she has initiated a break to give you the space to handle this better.

You should probably spend some time thinking what you want out of life, the universe and everything.

Only other thing I can think of is perhaps counselling for your wife. Individually. If she is able to accept it is over, everybody concerned will be spared the drama I see coming up. I feel sorry for her. Hell of a thing to be blindsided by.

I guess......... What a lot of it comes down to is that I would like to fix my marriage, I would like to make things work, and have a relationship with both women. I'm NOT willing to terminate my new relationship in order to do that, I am in fact regretting putting it on hold.

I.... began this process appallingly. I very definitely handled this badly. But since then I feel I have been open and honest and..... attempted to be as considerate of all parties as I can.

When it became apparent that nothing was working, and that my wife was unable to accept the situation I made the incredibly difficult decision that I would choose my GF over my wife. I spoke candidly to my wife, and let her know that this new relationship was sufficiently important to me that I was going to pursue it against her wishes.

I let her know that I still loved her, that this was no reflection on her and I would support whatever decision she felt she needed to make in response to that.

She chose to stay. Even in hindsight I'm not....... confident how I could've handled that better? Should I have taken her options away and just left? Should I have refused her the choice to remain in a relationship with me?

Remnant said:

I'm not sure if I was.... unclear, or we fundamentally disagree, but when I say "not permitted to" I mean that (following a failed attempt allowing her to constrain) neither partner was permitted to constrain the relationship that they were not involved in. So "I want more of your time" is perfectly acceptable, but "I want you to see less of her" is not. Don't kiss her today. No footsies. Hugs must be less than 30s. No nudes. It..... may not have been the best way to handle the situation but..... allowing my wife to issue directive relating to my new relationship (arbitrary and changing directives) seemed...... unhealthy

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I got you accurately. The thing is, if my partner wasn't making me happy and worse, was in "Take it or leave it" mode, I'm not interested in what he "allows" me or not.

Why do you think your interest in what she prefers can be "no can do" and she will cater to "this is what you are allowed"?

You are unwilling to take her limitations and seem to seriously think that she will take yours - because you told her to leave otherwise and she doesn't want to leave. You know what you can get away with in your home. This wouldn't work in mine.

Remnant said:

I guess......... What a lot of it comes down to is that I would like to fix my marriage, I would like to make things work, and have a relationship with both women. I'm NOT willing to terminate my new relationship in order to do that, I am in fact regretting putting it on hold.

I.... began this process appallingly. I very definitely handled this badly. But since then I feel I have been open and honest and..... attempted to be as considerate of all parties as I can.

When it became apparent that nothing was working, and that my wife was unable to accept the situation I made the incredibly difficult decision that I would choose my GF over my wife. I spoke candidly to my wife, and let her know that this new relationship was sufficiently important to me that I was going to pursue it against her wishes.

I let her know that I still loved her, that this was no reflection on her and I would support whatever decision she felt she needed to make in response to that.

She chose to stay. Even in hindsight I'm not....... confident how I could've handled that better? Should I have taken her options away and just left? Should I have refused her the choice to remain in a relationship with me?

Click to expand...

I hear you say you want this new relationship no matter what. If you can also have the old on YOUR terms, you're ok with it or your wife can leave. So far your wife is catering to this.

Oh, just to be fair to both women, your girlfriend will also have to accept your terms.

Did I get it right?

Thought exercise. If this girlfriend you want at all costs says how you should be with your wife, you'll be ok with her leaving? Not saying she will. Just pointing out that you seem completely unaware of any reality beyond what you want and making rules for everyone and obeying those of none other.

It is bad handling. I would highly recommend you get some life skills with the relationship you've already wrecked before being so fine with discarding it if need be so that you don't end up wrecking more relationships in order to learn.

I.... wow. Okay so you clearly feel I'm continuing to handle this very badly.

I don't know what I could've done better or differently :/

I guess your advice (paraphrasing) is to ditch the girlfriend, suck it up, and work on my relationship with my wife regardless?

Remnant said:

I guess......... What a lot of it comes down to is that I would like to fix my marriage, I would like to make things work, and have a relationship with both women. I'm NOT willing to terminate my new relationship in order to do that, I am in fact regretting putting it on hold.

I.... began this process appallingly. I very definitely handled this badly. But since then I feel I have been open and honest and..... attempted to be as considerate of all parties as I can.

When it became apparent that nothing was working, and that my wife was unable to accept the situation I made the incredibly difficult decision that I would choose my GF over my wife. I spoke candidly to my wife, and let her know that this new relationship was sufficiently important to me that I was going to pursue it against her wishes.

I let her know that I still loved her, that this was no reflection on her and I would support whatever decision she felt she needed to make in response to that.

She chose to stay. Even in hindsight I'm not....... confident how I could've handled that better? Should I have taken her options away and just left? Should I have refused her the choice to remain in a relationship with me?

Click to expand...

Friend, if you want to fix your marriage, you can't go around doing ultimatums. Even if she stays with you physically, your marriage is broken like this.

Not only are you making a decision to choose one partner over the other in the middle of NRE, you're throwing it in the face of the partner who would lose that choice in order to get her to comply with you or else.

NRE is a bad time for making such decisions. You are in an emotional relationship and I'm just presuming here that you're horny enough to give up whatever it takes in order to make it proceed to the next level. It is shortsighted thinking based on very little actual data that tells you about your long term compatibility with the new woman. I am not talking her down in any manner. I am simply pointing out that you are making extreme and impulsive choices without adequate information and communicating them in an extremely hurtful manner. In the process discarding an entire person who likely loves you.

I have no further advice. I've really said everything that I can think of. If it doesn't make sense to you, I have no idea what will.

I also guarantee you that any woman with any emotional maturity definitely notices how her lover treats other women. Particularly those he has been intimate with. Your treatment of your wife doesn't necessarily improve your situation with the girlfriend.

Remnant said:

I.... wow. Okay so you clearly feel I'm continuing to handle this very badly.

I don't know what I could've done better or differently :/

I guess your advice (paraphrasing) is to ditch the girlfriend, suck it up, and work on my relationship with my wife regardless?

Click to expand...

No. I am saying that if you are poly, you feel love for both. Not give ultimatums to one because you want to chase the other. Help your wife feel secure instead of "or elsed", You say she is agreeable to you having the relationship in the future. Help your relationship with her arrive at a place where it is possible, not just inform her that you're going ahead no matter what.