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Old 04-14-2011, 08:24 PM
kingofmice kingofmice is offline
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Default The Metaromance

Hello again! So, some progress has been made since I last sought your advice. I realize that by returning to this forum I chance that my metaromance will see, and while I haven't brought these things up with them yet, I'm sure I eventually will. Actually, they're not so much relationship-discussion points as they are questions on theory. I would really appreciate anyone's personal experience relating to the beginning of the metaromance. So, there's the digs.

On Tuesday night I went out with the boy I'm dating and his girlfriend (they've been together for about half a year, though I don't know if that's a pertinent detail). We went to see a pianist and then we had dinner, then we hung out at his house. I was fitfully nervous prior to the engagement. I woke up that morning with my heart thumping like a rabbit's and had the hardest of times focusing in class that day. Can he kiss me in front of her? Will he kiss her in front of me? Who's going to get to hold his hand? Is she going to like me? Ah!

We didn't address any of the physical boundaries prior to the date (hence my rabid questioning and rampant anxiety). But the whole event played out very organically. I mentioned they've been dating for about half a year. My longest relationship spanned two, and drawing upon that experience, I observed them carefully. They're very comfortable with one another. They have a nice, settled-in sort of energy. For some reason or another her family doesn't approve of him (we haven't breached the subject, though I'm curious) so she tends to spend her free days with him. At one point she said she "practically lives" with him (make a note of that line, because that's what I'm fretting). He and I, on the other hand, have slightly nervous, slightly more kinetic energy. When we interact, there's the hesitation of a new relationship, of getting to know a person's quirks and habits. Somehow, these two energies fit just fine together, and she and I get along swimmingly.

If anyone would care to comment upon this or share their own stories of NRE meets ORE, and the transition period which ensues, I'd greatly appreciate it.

But here's the rub. I like him. I mentioned this before, that I feel the potential to really welcome him into my heart. I wouldn't be seeing him if I didn't. He's amazing; potentially the smartest person I've ever met. I feel completely free to be myself in his presence, to discard all mask and affectations, as well as to say anything that happens into my curious mind. But, as a secondary, this terrifies me. Well, I suppose that even in a more traditional relationship there would be the fear of where is this going?, but I feel it even more so because of the comfort he already has with his girlfriend. He has her. She has a drawer with clothes. She spends the weekends at his house. He expects to spend time with her. I can't help but fret over whether or not that expectation has the chance to exist with me. I don't even know if he wants it. He and I are both very existing-in-the-present sort of people. He's here, I'm here. And since it's so new, I understand that these worries might be a tad premature. In a conversation which occurred last week he told me he wanted things to be able to develop naturally between us, so I know he understands that our relationship is new and different from theirs. But does the presence of theirs limit the potential of ours?

If anyone else out there has dealt with this or is currently dealing with this, I would love to hear your story and gather your advice. You'd have my sincerest gratitude.
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Old 04-14-2011, 08:52 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Hullo and good to have you back!

Hmm, for some reason or other I am thinking of TruckerPete here. Probably because she just posted on how in the beginning of her journey into poly with partner Indigo they were very concerned of how the possible secondaries/OSOs should not come 'in-between' them (see the thread I am talking about here http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8687).

From reading up on other people's stories on this forum it seems like these primary/secondary distinctions tend to blur and eventually become moot. Being a new secondary has benefits as well - enjoy! NRE doesn't last forever.
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Old 04-14-2011, 09:54 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Yes, we were concerned with others coming between us at first, but I would say that if he was affectionate to both of you and the night went well, then they've probably got their shit together.

If these are things that you eventually want from him, I don't think it's premature to ask if you can have them when the time comes. If he plans on treating you in a bad secondary way, and totally doesn't see you fitting into his life in the way you would like to fit into someone's life, then best to get that sorted out right away, yes?

Just make sure he understands you're not asking for equality now, but that a more coprimary footing is where you'd like to be, eventually.
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