Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Fireplace

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 04-22-2011, 11:49 AM
Hades36's Avatar
Hades36 Hades36 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 71
Default

I worked at an abuse shelter as a security guard, my mother was a counselor at the same shelter, and I saw and heard things that, even while I'm writing this response, made me want to vomit scorpions. Unicorn, I wish you the best.
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 05-01-2011, 07:04 AM
rory's Avatar
rory rory is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 497
Default

I have suffered (mostly) emotional abuse with my "mother" (i.e. my dad's wife who was in my life since I was 5). It was the worst right before I moved out, I was afraid of her at that point. It felt so normal it took me years to even see it as abuse. I notice that I still tend to downplay it because there were only few minor incidents on physical abuse.

Once I have started to realise that my experiences were indeed abuse, I have decided never again to take it. As a child, I couldn't do anything about it but now I can. My life, my freedom and my happiness are way too big prices to pay. I have promised myself to walk away and now I'm in a place I think I would spot abuse early and be able to do that. I do realise it is often not easy to do, and usually abusive people are master manipulators.

I do think that if abusive people honestly wish to change it is good for them to have help. But I don't think that the abused person is in the best position to help and they should put their own safety and happiness first.
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 05-07-2011, 11:50 PM
Athena Athena is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: East Coast
Posts: 167
Default

Most abusers seek help for their behavior only under coercion (usually legal coercion). Keep yourself safe and keep your distance rather than hoping to bring change about by yourself.
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 05-14-2011, 05:05 PM
Morningglory629's Avatar
Morningglory629 Morningglory629 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: PA
Posts: 727
Default

Good point Athena.
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 05-14-2011, 05:21 PM
BlackUnicorn's Avatar
BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 906
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by rory View Post
It was the worst right before I moved out, I was afraid of her at that point. It felt so normal it took me years to even see it as abuse. I notice that I still tend to downplay it because there were only few minor incidents on physical abuse.
My situation is very similar. And I think it's so freaky we need to even paraphrase our experiences with 'only' or 'just', but that is how I think, too. REAL abuse is about visits to the ER and broken bones, not about constantly feeling bad and afraid.
__________________
Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 05-14-2011, 09:02 PM
rory's Avatar
rory rory is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 497
Default

I totally agree that it is horrible for the perception of violence to become that it is so normal that you would say only. It's absurd and yet so hard to change. Rationally, I do recognise what happened as violence nowadays. But still when someone talks about "domestic violence" I instantly think about all the poor children of drunk fathers (or something to that effect). I don't usually come to think about my own childhood. Even though that's what it was.
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 07-08-2011, 12:43 AM
auroralea2003 auroralea2003 is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 1
Red face i feel ya!

I am currently in an abusive relationship. It has been physical, but due to incarceration etc. this person is now only emotionally and verbally abusive.
It's all about control. This person is controlling you through the phone. I have been reading site after site and horrific story after another. This person doesn't have to change at all because you are allowing him in. You feel sorry for him. It's codependency. I'm not accusing you of anything accept being a caring and understanding individual. I am that person. I see my mate as broken and in need of my support. He literally makes me crazy with his accusations of cheating and constant questioning of my every move. Abuse is all about control. I consider myself a martyr for staying in this relationship. Everyone I have read or spoken to says that cutting off the relationship(move, change number) was the best and most liberating move they ever made. I only hope that I can have the courage to keep this guy moved out next time I kick him out. You have to realize you are in control and responsible only for you. You are important and your happiness is important. Just like some of the people who spend their lives in and out of jail changing is not easy. And some people do not have the skills, opportunity or intelligence to change. Good Luck, he will survive without you. you don't have to be a victim and you don't have to suffer for someone's psychological issues. Not everyone is a fixer upper that can be fixed. cheers.
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old 07-15-2011, 02:22 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,386
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by auroralea2003 View Post
I consider myself a martyr for staying in this relationship.
Don't. Absolutely don't. Staying isn't helping anyone. It's not helping you, it's not helping them. Listen, I have been in abusive relationships from both sides, I have been abused and I have abused. Someone who lets you abuse them is not helping you. It doesn't make you happy. It makes you feel miserable and you lose respect for yourself and for them a bit more every time, and yet you don't know of another way to deal with one another, and when you stop they are so used to being abused that they act to provoke it again because it reassures them.
And at some point you feel like it's what you're expected to do, whether it's true or complete crap. And someone staying does not make it less so. Someone staying makes it feel like they're staying because they want things to be that way, and if you stop being abusive, they might leave you.

You need to stand up for yourself and leave. And if a relationship ever shows the signs of going that way, stand up for yourself right away, stop the vicious circle before it starts, establish a clear line.
But now it's too late for that. The only thing that can help them at that point is losing you. And maybe next time they won't start the cycle again, or they'll find someone who won't take any crap from them. But right now, the best way to help yourself, and the best way to help them, is to go the hell away.

It's not just liberating for the person who is abused to get away from the relationship. It's liberating for the abuser, too. There is something wonderful about not being an abuser anymore. There is something wonderful about dealing with people who stand up for themselves, people you can consider your equals.
I don't know how many abusers are at a stage when they can take a look at themselves and stop, but what I know is that it's hard to do while in a relationship, and I assume it would be much easier while not in one, so on top of saving yourself (which you really need to, and then work and rebuilding yourself, your self confidence, your self respect, and know that you are good and worthy and can do it all), you might be saving them, too.
Yes, they need help. But the only way you can personally help them at this point is by not being there for them to abuse.

Good luck. It's hard and requires you to be brave, but you can do it. You are not a martyr, because martyrs sacrifice themselves for a cause. There is no cause, so you are just sacrificing yourself. For nothing. You're committing suicide by staying. Get away.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
abuse, communication, nvc, violence

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:59 AM.