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  #11  
Old 04-15-2011, 10:34 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
I'm glad the relationship has moved away from physical violence. How did that happen? Did he realize he had a problem and addressed it or did you insist he change?

I'm also curious - why do you feel it would not be a good idea to cut ties and move on?
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Originally Posted by Morningglory629 View Post
Get help for you and the rest will happen.
Thanks everyone!

I think I will seek therapy again and this time talk about the real reasons behind my PTSD. Opalescent, I think the worst damage has already been done in that I am taking medication to control my anxiety issues for the foreseeable future at least. I hope that through talking therapy I might be able to cut down the dosage at some point.

Yesterday was personally liberating for me because while this person called me two times while I was out on a date, I just texted back 'Will call you later', whereas before I would have picked up the phone and called to prevent them lashing out.

I think the main reason behind the physical abuse stopping was me telling them that they have no right to touch me without my permission and if they do, I will report them to the police. Once when they tried to stop me from leaving the apartment I called 911 and I think that was really a moment of clarity for them that I was not kidding.

I am skeptical of cutting ties completely because I have tried that before and it didn't work. Our lives are so intimately woven together that it would feel like cutting of an arm and leaving it behind. I understand that sometimes you need to cut off the arm to keep the rest of the body from getting diseased, but I hope we are not at that point yet.

I think I am also a bit pessimistic because when I tried to seek help for the physical abuse before, I was told that I could not stay in the shelter for longer than a week and that they would only offer reconciliation services instead of helping me get my own apartment or what not. So maybe I have a case of learned helplessness?

But thanks again, you guys really made me see that I should reconsider therapy.
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  #12  
Old 04-16-2011, 12:59 PM
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Although it may sound selfish, I have a really easy time of letting people go who consistently cause me pain - no matter who they are. Family, friends, lovers, children - whoever. My theory is that, if you're causing me pain, even if I love you with all my heart, then I have to get away from you because I'm no longer into martyrdom. Did that with my first wife and got me nowhere except screwed up emotionally, financially, and spiritually for several years - and that relationship was only 2 years long!

I admire people who can hang in there but I know that, for myself, after the pain and abuse reach a tipping point then I am gone - not interested in healing or making amends or building bridges. In fact, I usually nuke the bridge as I'm leaving just to make sure I don't go back over it.
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  #13  
Old 04-16-2011, 05:41 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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Susan Forward has a great book: Emotional Blackmail. Helped me immensely when dealing with emotional abuse. She points out that people use FOG to manipulate us:
Fear
Obligation
Guilt

The book helped me to recognize when it is happening and effective tools to use to stop it.
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Old 04-16-2011, 09:07 PM
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Unfortunately for the relationships, and fortunately for my sanity, I've left abusive relationships in the past. Now, I do not suffer them well. Emotional abuse is a little harder for me to get my head around, because it deals directly with the matters of the heart, but through experience of being a survivor, I have developed the ability to sever ties pretty ruthlessly. Some call it being cold, but I call it being responsible for my own.

It is what it is. You hurt me, I walk away. You don't get a second chance.

I try not to judge others who are unwilling or unable to walk away from abusive relationships. God knows I have been there and I have known what it felt like to hope against hope things would change.
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  #15  
Old 04-17-2011, 01:10 PM
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Thank you for the book tip, I will pick it up once my study subsidiary materializes again next month!

This morning they phoned me 24 times, so it was not a great day for distancing myself. But I feel that having so much love in my life as a result of poly and just general opening up my heart for love, I have more stamina for dealing with my more difficult loves, too.
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  #16  
Old 04-20-2011, 10:34 PM
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I'll contribute just one little thing, since others have offered so much already.

I continually remind myself that how anyone I'm involved with treats me ... is how I'm treating myself. This way I accept my responsibility for sticking around.

The thought helps me to recognize when I'm being mistreated, and that I have the option of not being mistreated. And it helps me see what power I have to choose.

I do not accept mistreatment or abuse. It's simply not acceptable. Yet it will happen now and then, and I have to decide if it is a pattern or just the result of someone having a difficult moment.
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  #17  
Old 04-20-2011, 11:15 PM
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I missed this thread the first go around... shoot. Anyway, I wanted to direct you to the thread I started some time back, in case there is some relevance. http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=6019
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  #18  
Old 04-20-2011, 11:48 PM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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Short answer - but only if the abuser wants to change.

Long answer - habits and ways of interacting are fairly ingrained and changes will be slow and sometimes painful. The pain of being abusive has to outweigh the pain of changing the abusive behaviour for it to take effect.

I have seen it happen though - it took 14 years of a good friend of mine crying herself to sleep every night before her husband actually changed.

He's pretty good now
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  #19  
Old 04-22-2011, 09:07 AM
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Thanks RP, I will delve into that thread soon-ish!

Thanks to everyone else whose posted, too! I want everyone to know that sharing this has really helped me to stand up for myself. We are now back together on the provision that if the name-calling and bullying starts again, I leave.
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  #20  
Old 04-22-2011, 10:53 AM
bella123456 bella123456 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hades36 View Post
I admire people who can hang in there but I know that, for myself, after the pain and abuse reach a tipping point then I am gone - not interested in healing or making amends or building bridges. In fact, I usually nuke the bridge as I'm leaving just to make sure I don't go back over it.
Classic piece of advice !
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