Poly-bomb may have killed our relationship

About my current relationship:
My partner and I met online 14 years ago, I was 17 at the time. We fell for each other and remained exclusive through 2 1/2 years of long-distance (TX & VA) until she was able to move in with me, and we've been living together in TX for about 11 1/2 years now. She is my best friend and I am hers. We've been through thick and thin together, good times and bad.

We have not gotten married yet partly because we don't have the money for the ceremony I'd want to give her, and partly because I don't feel it's necessary for us to get married in order to validate what we share. We're technically common-law married anyway. She would prefer we get married ofc, but she agrees that a courthouse paper signing would be underwhelming and wants to wait until we can afford to "do it right". Diamond rings don't grow on trees!

The problem:
I've been increasingly curious about poly life over the last few years, feeling that it could answer a lot of questions I had regarding the way I feel about relationships. I've been beating myself up for the feelings I have my whole life, that I was "wrong" to be this way. In the last few months I've ramped up my researching in order to finally get some answers. Made a post a little over a week ago (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=87262) and did some soul-searching, and I'm about as confident as I can be at this point that I am naturally non-monogamous, though in a monogamous relationship. I don't feel like I've "changed", just come to a better understanding of myself.

So I mustered up the courage to drop the bomb on her. Made it clear that she is the most important thing to me, but I would like the opportunity to explore a bit. She's made it clear that she does not want to share me in any way. At this point it's a deal-breaker if I want/try to change the nature of our relationship, she would rather break up (Which she so graciously pointed out that if we break up over this, it will be my fault ) and not only do I NOT want to break up, it's also easier said than done because she would have to move back to her home state as she has nowhere else to go.

She at least claims she is willing to accept that this is "who I am", and that she gives me credit for choosing to stay with her despite all this. As long as it doesn't change anything.

So what now?
I don't want to throw away 14 years of building our relationship, our bond. I want to make this work out somehow. Of course this probably means I will have to continue to push down my desires, to weigh out how much I really want to explore being poly vs how much I really want to stay with her. I know that it would be wrong of me to try to convince/force her to allow a change...

I'm worried that I may grow to resent her stance, or that I will cross a line one day. I know she is worried about the possibility of the day I hand her some sort of ultimatum and we have to break up. Also I feel like she is going to be making assumptions and getting depressed from now on any time I hang out with a female friend. Pandora's box has been opened.

Everything I can find on the subject of monogamous poly/mono relationships looks pretty grim; as though this ends nearly ALL relationships. Seems like I have 3 options; 1) Bottle it up forever (which sounds SO healthy...), 2) Change (which I've been trying to do for 14 years to no avail), or 3) Break up.

At this point I feel like I should have just kept this all to myself. I'm causing her pain just bringing it up. The more questions she asks, the more anxious/depressed she gets. Even if she did agree to open things up I'm afraid she wouldn't really mean it. Our 14 years may end just from me admitting to wanting "more", even if I never act on any of it. I suppose she hasn't has much time to process this yet, maybe it'll get better over time?

How can I "cope" with monogamy despite my desires? How can I help her understand me? Anyone have any advice or links on how I can make this work? Did I f*** this up? Is this relationship a lost cause now?

Ugh, I feel like a s***ty person for being this way, seeing how much it hurts her.

I looked at the previous thread you posted, and noticed that our greeter, Kevin, gave some links to sites worth exploring; have you done that yet?

Just remember; you have had a great deal of time to come to terms with your nature; to your SO, it's like it was just dumped on her out of nowhere. Give her time to really let the thought sink in at first, then perhaps try to initiate the conversation again and see where she is at.

While 14 years IS a lot of time to be with someone, this may have run its course. You both have the right to be in the type of relationship you want. You may weather the storm, or may not. Patience is very important.

I agree with powerpuff. Give her at LEAST a month if not longer without you mentioning it. In the meantime, check out those links. Some good stuff there.

Hello there!

Congratulations on exploring and learning more about yourself, it's not always an easy process. although it's necessary to first know what you what in order to get what you want. Not so easy when you want to seemingly conflicting things!

I get the impression from your message that you are feeling a bit frantic, like your mind is going a mile a minute and you feel like you need an answer right away? Is that right?

I agree with others to let the dust settle a bit. Remind yourself that nothing bad is happening right this second. It's too soon to predict the shape of future doom.

You've had a lot more time to think about this than she has. This is a very tricky situation.

In the meantime, maybe try to also remember that it's the SITUATION that is tricky. Not you, not her. Neither of you are bad or wrong for how you feel and what you want. Try to look at it as a compatibility issue, nobody's fault. You just got more information on your compatibility, that's all.

Hi CoolName,

The best I can think of is to give it awhile and see how you're feeling. Try to conform to your partner's wishes but not necessarily forever. For example maybe give it a year. If remaining monogamous is making you desperate and miserable at that point, maybe you have your answer. Also deciding ahead of time how long you'll wait will at least give you an end of the tunnel to look forward to. When you get to the end you'll know you gave it a fair shot.

Not the greatest answer, I know. Best I could do on short notice, I hope it helps a little.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

I'm sorry you both are struggling. Def postpone marriage until you guys sort this out one way or another.

Let me ask this... could there be an option #4?

• Where she Opens enough to be able to hear you express your poly thoughts/feelings? So you aren't going around bottled up any more? And you learn to stop beating yourself up about it? So you get "enough Open."
  
• Where you stay Closed in a monogamous thing with just her? So she gets "enough Closed."

Is that a doable option in this situation?

Of course this probably means I will have to continue to push down my desires, to weigh out how much I really want to explore being poly vs how much I really want to stay with her.

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You do not have to "push things down." But you will have to decide which you value more at this time. The freedom to poly date or being in a romantic relationship with her.

I'm worried that I may grow to resent her stance, or that I will cross a line one day.

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You do not have to resent her having a preference for her romances. She's allowed to have preferences. Just as you are allowed to have preferences for your romances. If they no longer match, that isn't anyone's fault. It's an unfortunate situation if you have grown incompatible over time, but it isn't one or the other's fault. It's people changing over time. People are not static.

You also do not have to worry about crossing a line one day. If you arrive at a point where you decide you value being free to poly-date more than being in a monogamous relationship with her? All you have to do is say "I can no longer keep this agreement. I wish to poly date. I wanted to make you aware."

You don't have to cheat on your agreements. You just end them first before going on to date other people.

At this point I feel like I should have just kept this all to myself.

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I get that this all FEELS hard right now. FWIW? I think you did the right thing in being honest and up front. That's what an upstanding partner could be doing. She cannot be a mind reader. And you two cannot enter marriage in good faith if one of you is keeping secrets about important things like this.

Hang in there and keep trying to sort things out. Have confidence that actions rooted in good character will yield the best outcome.

Galagirl

In reference to your thread title, I'd say that nothing "killed" your relationship. An infinitesimal percentage of couples who meet in their teens stay together forever and in fact, most teen relationships are very short lived. It's just the nature of being young these days. Your 14 year relationship is actually unusually long and as I see it, a wonderful success in that you've explored both commitment and self discovery. If your poly explorations now necessitate a parting with your current partner, it will only be because the time has finally come for you both to grow with other people. Almost everyone makes this kind of separation from their teen love and most people experience quite a few times before they settle in on "forever." Even then, many of us learn that "forever" isn't the kind of success we were looking for after all. Be that as it may, it's important for you to know that your current relationship with your GF is already successful - and incredibly long lived, given that you both were in your teens when you met. You're not killing this relationship, you're recognizing that you have grown beyond it and that's a perfectly natural and common experience.

Hi Coolname.

I remember your earlier post. You had spent considerable time thinking about whether you were poly or not, and then started a thread, then had more time to think about it. You may be naturally non monogamous but your wife has had no time to process this. I get the feeling she fears you may leave her either physically or emotionally. There are two things I think you could do that might help your cause.

1) Give her time to process this change in a man she loves and thought she knew. She's seeing you in a new light and it's scary.

2) Try to understand her. Feel her. Support her. Give her your whole love and care. Nurture her. Give her the security she craves and needs.

During this time, consider why she might be so scared about you opening up your relationship? Did she have any childhood experiences with her parents that are similar to poly gone bad? Affairs? Close friends whose parents had affairs? Previous boyfriends who cheated?

It's possible that people change in personality over time. Here's an example of a wife and husband who discussed poly, laughed it off as impossible, then a few years later, the wife wanted to do poly with her (new) affair partner.

If you and your wife have existing relationship issues, or a lack of trust, polyamory is often said to compound these existing issues. My wife and I are choosing to work on our issues before opening our relationship, for instance.

Good luck. Don't be too disheartened. The options you gave in your opening post all sound so bleak. There are other alternatives to what you are suggesting.

Hi Coolname,

My intro story is actually the example that Shaya referenced in the prior post. In short, my wife asked me to open up our marriage so that she could explore her reemerging feelings for an old college bf. And although I had made a significant "intellectual study" of poly before, poly was not what I desired for our marriage. But, after much discussion and processing, I made the decision to "give my blessing" to our transition to a poly marriage. After all, one of us had to give in to the other's preference - or split up. Splitting up was not an option for either of us regardless of the final decision - partly because we valued the preservation of our young daughter's happy home life above either of our personal relationship preferences - but also because we both valued our marriage and love for one another above a relationship preference choice - not matter which way it went.

So, given that splitting up was not an option - again, one of us had to make a concession. Becky could forego her desire for poly and a renewed relationship with Ben, or I could forego my desire for continued monogamy and work with Becky to establish a poly marriage. There was no right or wrong answer here - but ultimately I did concede to her wishes because I could see how important it was to her and I knew that she would be miserable for a good while if she had to forego the idea. But - while I have taken many steps to accept the poly situation (including participation on this forum) - there has been a cost to me and poly would still not be my first choice - although I must note that Becky did a fantastic job of doing all the right things to make this as painless as it could be. (I have posted a list of the things she did right elsewhere).

The point is, though, that ultimately you may have to make a choice - because she may never come around to the idea of poly. So, you may have to decide to leave her to pursue poly - or give up the idea of poly. This is a poly board, after all, so the advice here will likely slant to the idea that you may have to split up because she is hard core mono and you really want to try poly - that this will make you both happier. This may be so - or it may not be so. Only you can decide if it is worth your relationship to explore poly. There are many times in life when we have to decide between two things that may be mutually exclusive - and we truly hate to give up either one - but ultimately we may only be able to choose one. We must be careful how we choose. Best of luck on your journey - whichever road that may take!

My apologies in advance if I seem like a downer, but I believe that it's important to understand that all scenarios (positive or negative) are possible.

to be clear, I don't find anything inherently wrong with polyamory. I just find them extremely incompatible. Sure, there are exceptions to the rule, but the exceptions prove the rule. With that said, I applaud your self discovery. I will say though, that you might have wanted to keep that nugget to yourself until you knew how she would feel, or if you felt that you had to act on it.

For us monos, knowing that our partners didn't physically act, or are able to abstain from acting is not the comfort you think it is. What eats at us more, is the fact that you have the ability to share your heart with others, which negates tye special & unique tenets of our relationship. If you can have with someone else, what you have with me, then I'm not needed. And yes, feeling needed, like you serve a purpose is important. Of course we want to be wanted, but a relationship without both is superficial & hollow as far as I'm concerned.

Having been on the receiving end of the poly bomb, it's indescribable how painful of an ordeal it is. Anxiety, depression, loss of appetite, insomnia, and the worst feeling of rejection you can imagine take control of you life. What's worse, is being treated like the bad guy, when all you desperately want, is for the pain to stop. I personally would have rather my wife secretly slept with someone & never told me, than to drop the bomb & leave me in a perpetual state of panic over when she's going to develop feelings for another. And btw, it's been almost 2 years since she dropped the bomb. The romance dead from my end. We do get along, but she feels more like a friend than a partner.

In the past, I've often advised those considering dropping the bomb, to gauge where their partner sits on the issue by bringing up unrelated circumstances. Discuss an article you read, or an anecdote you heard & softly try to see how he/she feel about the subject. This can help determine whether or not the topic should ever bring up.

I wish you the best of luck, just understand that there's a slim to none chance that you'll be able to explore poly, and keep your current relationship. She's never going to understand how you can love another, without feeling like you love her less, or that she's not enough. The new partners in these situations always get the upper hand. One goes from zero to 50, gaining your love & affection, and the other goes from 100 to 50, losing half. That's a tough blow after 14 years.

Oh! Another reason to avoid feeling like a bad person:

You probably would have figured this out sooner or later right? Well, you have the wonderful advantage of knowing this BEFORE you found out the hard way, namely: falling in love with another.

There are so many stories around here about members who only discovered their poly ability when it was undeniably in their face and another person was involved. So much potential for heartbreak there, and so much harder to work through.

You really have the best possible situation here because you were introspective. If it CAN happen, you are on the right track.

Wow so many things to respond to!

Many of you are recommending time for her to process, which obviously is a good idea. Only problem is that to her, unanswered questions lead her to the most extreme of possibilities. Her mind runs wild... She was having panic attacks because she was assuming I'm basically looking to be a polygamist with 100 children from 100 women I knew getting into the grisly details this soon would be a bad idea, but she wouldn't stop prying. I had to talk to her about SOME things in order for her to calm down. We've both agreed to table the discussion for a while, probably a month or so, and come back to it when she's had more time to process and can be more reasonable.

Powerpuffgirl1969:
Yes I have read the links, very helpful imo. Only issue was a lack of a "So your partner just discovered they are poly" section =\ This is all new territory to me, I have no idea what I'm doing...

ArtemisHunt:
Thank you for your positivity (Btw, is your avatar Dr Girlfriend?) I'll admit I'm still not sure what I want in terms of relationship structure, partly because I'm 99% sure I won't get what I "want" if I stay with my GF. At this point all I know is that I want her to be a part of my life, and that I want to explore the possibilities. I'm looking at it like this: Whatever form she is actually comfortable with, I will see if that satiates my needs and make a decision from there. Too much time spent daydreaming about the ideal setup for me will likely lead to disappointment when I can't have that.

You are correct; my mind IS going a mile a minute, she has been freaking out since I dropped the bomb, so I've gone to panic/damage control mode She hasn't cried this much since her father died. I struggle with depression and seeing the pain I'm causing her brings dark thoughts. I'm just looking for anything to help stop/lessen the hurt I'm causing. I care about her SO much, I don't want to hurt her like this.

In response to your 2nd post; I've been self-aware when it comes to these feelings I have for longer than my current relationship, I just beat myself up internally over them because I was "wrong" for feeling that way. I have actually fallen in love with a couple of people during our relationship, but kept it as secret as I could to avoid being an a-hole. I shut myself away from these other women in order to avoid those feelings, because I'd been told it was "wrong" to feel that way. But it could be worse, I could be MADLY in love with someone who IS available and I definitely can see that making things way more dangerous.

GalaGirl:
She basically proposed that option right off the bat as the solution she's willing to accept (at this point), but I feel that option may not be enough for me.

Being honest is very important to me. I know that I've done the right thing by telling her, I just wish it didn't hurt her so much. "Have confidence that actions rooted in good character will yield the best outcome." ty for this

FallenAngelina:
Yeah, we're a statistical anomaly, that we met so young and have stayed together longer than a lot of marriages. We take pride in that, it makes our relationship that much more special to us. It just feels like this is "the end" and it's my fault for "changing", even though the only change I've made is to embrace myself rather than deny/hide my feelings. Maybe I have grown beyond the relationship, but I'd rather grow together as we have for 14 years.

Shaya:
Yeah, to say it's a bit of a shock to her is an understatement. However there's nothing in her past like what you're talking about, no one close to her has gone through any poly/cheating/affair type situation, and she was never cheated on. I think it's a combination of generally not understanding, and the thought of devaluing our relationship. She seems to have the biggest problem with the idea of me sleeping with anyone but her.

Al99:
I really appreciate the mono side's viewpoint you give. I can tell that there's nothing that can be done to avoid 100% of the pain, but your previous knowledge of poly life seems like it helped the transition. Your story gives me some hope, that maybe given enough information and time she too can "wrap her head around it", that giving me that freedom would be making me happy, and make me appreciate her that much more. I really hope that she can get to where you are, somehow.

CTF:
Wow that IS a downer =/ I'll say that I did know ahead of time that she wouldn't like the idea, but I did feel that I had to tell her; honesty is key to me. But most of what you said is literally my worst fear as far as how this can go.

Sometimes a thing we most dislike about ourselves is the thing we hate in others.

How many gay bashing family values Republicans have been caught cheating or soliciting gay sex?

There is a chance, a good chance, your gf at some point since her early teens, has also been attracted to another man! (or even a woman)

My ex h and I lived mono for 30 years. But he knew I'd get attracted to others, get crushes on friends, neighbors, celebrities. He denied up and down that he was ever attracted to another, for all those years. I would outright ask him. Oh no, he said, never.

It wasn't until our marriage was in its last gasps and we were in therapy that he admitted he was attracted to women on the street every day, or to co-workers, etc. He admitted to fantasising about taking them on dates and detailed sexual scenarios. All those years, he was just trying to set a "good example--" by lying to me!

After all those years where I felt like the bad guy, we opened our marriage and he met a woman in short order, and fell head over heels for her, soul mates, they said. Hmph!

So, your wife might well be in the same boat. Pretty much everyone gets attracted to others, especially if they couple up very young. Half of all people have affairs. Women in the past were encouraged by their female family members to look the other way if their husband "strayed." Nowadays our society is less sexually repressed and less misogynist. You are actually, in a weird way, doing your wife a favor and showing her more respect, by telling her about your desires, rather than just going ahead and cheating. Even tho, like CTF, she might actually prefer you (and/or she) cheat, in the traditional way. Ironic, huh?

CoolName said:

How can I "cope" with monogamy despite my desires? How can I help her understand me? Anyone have any advice or links on how I can make this work? Did I f*** this up? Is this relationship a lost cause now?

Ugh, I feel like a s***ty person for being this way, seeing how much it hurts her.

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I think life is too short to cope or settle. I think perhaps this announcement has given her clarity on understanding the past 14 yrs. In 12+ yrs you didn't get around to actually marrying her and I'm sure this isn't lost on her. Also from a purely practical stand point time, money and attention being a zero sum game the dream of having that wedding really got shattered the day you dropped the bomb. If that ever was high in importantce to her that was shattered that day.

Let's hope Mags is right that she'll want to explore outside relationships because outside of that and you being " happier " what's the pro inventory side of this for her.

The con side it's demotion, displacement, intrusion ((loss ))) with drama and heartache to flavor the ride.

Do you have kids....lots of time people settle for the kids. I know I did.

The thing is, even when you really are monogamous, you can still see an attractive person, enjoy the sight, and even fantasize about sex with them. Our society has a myth that a "good person" "never looks at another wo/man" from the moment of being engaged, if not long before, while seriously dating.

I am sure there are some people who are like this naturally. Then there are some who are codependent, and stifle these thoughts before they rise to the surface of their conscious mind.

But how many happily coupled monogamous people still notice attractive others in their daily lives or in media, and suffer huge pangs of guilt for "straying," even in their thoughts? Jesus is made to say in one verse that just the though of sin was as bad as the actual sin. This idea (which I find sick) pervades our culture. The idea of sinning (coveting your neighbor's wife as in the commandment) as an affront to god as well as man, the idea of even thinking a wrong thought damning you to hell forever, I find disgusting.

Now, I've been living polyamorously with my gf for 8 years. Sometimes I have a bf or 2, sometimes she has one. Often we are each others' only partners for stretches of time. One of the nicest things about poly for me, is that she or I can notice a cute person in real life or in media, and tell the other, Wow, they are cute! Look at him/her! And neither of us gets jealous or threatened in any way.

I know some mono couples can at least manage this without fear their other is going to leave them because of a passing infatuation. The nice thing about a happily poly couple is, we can get a crush, act on it by approaching the crush for a first date, or we can get a crush and not act on it, but either way, our partner isn't threatened, anxious or plunged into a deep depression.

In other words, we find we can cope with the reality of these passing (or not passing) infatuations, without fear. How freeing this basic understanding and practice is!

Al99:
I really appreciate the mono side's viewpoint you give. I can tell that there's nothing that can be done to avoid 100% of the pain, but your previous knowledge of poly life seems like it helped the transition. Your story gives me some hope, that maybe given enough information and time she too can "wrap her head around it", that giving me that freedom would be making me happy, and make me appreciate her that much more. I really hope that she can get to where you are, somehow.

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CoolName - Yep - whether by dumb luck, synchronicity, or the perversity of the universe - I just happened to have studied polyamory a bit - well before Becky approached me about opening the marriage. An even though my study of poly was just out of intellectual curiosity (I did find it an interesting concept, even though I did not believe it would suit me - or our marriage - well) - the understanding that I gained because of that study was an important factor in my being able to eventually accept a poly marriage.
There were a couple of key concepts that I knew already - and which I suspect most people know if they think about it. First - as Magdlyn has been writing about - being in a committed relationship such as marriage doesn't mean you do not find others attractive to one degree or another. It may be superficial (wow - nice ass) or a deeper attraction as we come to know someone. And also - really just the next step - it is possible to love more than one person or even be in love with more than one person. I suspect that most mono people realize this if they have any degree of life experience - but it's whether we act on that that makes the difference. A happily committed individual in a healthy mono marriage might confront that situation and make the choice not to act on it because of the commitment to the mono marriage (and that is perfectly ok - mono or poly are different - neither is inherently superior - arguments can be made for both).

So - if you hope to bring her around to poly eventually - take a break then take it slow - as has already been suggested. And then you might want to make sure that she is at least comfortable with these 2 concepts (attractions are natural, and it is possible to love more than 1 - even if you don't act on it). You might try "joking around" about who you each find attractive - Becky and I did this as a happy mono couple well before poly entered the picture.

Along the same lines, as you begin to discuss poly - you might want to emphasize what's in it for her - that she can also have other partners for some additional fun - without compromising your relationship. ... Be careful what you wish for, my understanding is that the women have a much easier time of it - and all too often the poly husband is home on a Saturday night while his wife is out on a date.

I recall that when I was doing my study of poly, Becky was not the least bit interested in discussing it even as a "curiosity" (and she's a very bright lady) - she just thought it was weird - even though she had a close openly poly friend. But -- when she had a reason to (Ben) - it was a whole different matter. Make sure that YOU are ready for her to be poly also. I have heard it said that you are not really poly unless you are comfortable with your partner having other partners.

And here's a repost of the things my wife, Becky, did right in approaching me about us transitioning to poly - you may find them helpful if you continue to talk to your lady about poly.

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Here's some of what my wife, Becky, did right in discussing the possibility of opening up our marriage to poly:

1. Made sure that I understood that it was not about me - no matter how much it might seem that way. There was nothing wrong with me and I had not failed in any way. This was about her feelings and not a reflection on me.
2. Made sure I understood that it wasn't because she didn't love me as much as she ever had - but she believed it was possible to love more than one man at the same time without diminishing the love for either (the classic poly argument is to consider that a parent can love multiple children at the same time and still love any others than come along as well).
3. Made certain to emphasize that her relationship with Ben would be "in addition to" - and not a replacement for - our marital relationship. And that our relationship would still be "primary" (after all we were married with a child in a home - with a mortgage, etc) - and that we could negotiate what exactly that would look like. I found the phrase "in addition to" to be particularly helpful in helping me come to terms with her desire to have a second relationship.
4. She was very patient - and did not try to push it along too quickly. We could take it one step at a time, and she agreed not to have sex until I felt I could accept the idea. And although she did want to include sex in their relationship eventually as a natural progression, for her it was much more about her feelings and her emotional involvement.
5. She was willing to talk about it as much as I needed to - no matter how long it took or how often - and to answer any questions that I might have - without any apparent frustration. She understood the need for me to process the situation. And she was very patient and understanding of my frustration and emotional turmoil at her request - very validating while still upholding her belief.
6. She went out of her way to reassure me of the depth of our relationship during this time - avoiding arguments, being especially loving and affectionate as well very open and honest about here thoughts and desires.
7. She agreed that being completely honest and transparent was absolutely essential - to whatever degree that I felt I needed that to be ok.
8. Made sure that I understood that I could also have another partner if and when I was ready.

And, I already understood from life experience that it is very possible to love more than one person at a time (acting on that is the issue) - and that one person cannot supply all of another's needs. These points may need to be discussed as well.

Magdlyn said:

So, your wife might well be in the same boat. Pretty much everyone gets attracted to others, especially if they couple up very young. Half of all people have affairs. Women in the past we encouraged by their female family members to look the other way if their husband "strayed." Nowadays our society is less sexually repressed and less misogynist. You are actually, in a weird way, doing your wife a favor and showing her more respect, by telling her about your desires, rather than just going ahead and cheating. Even tho, like CTF, she might actually prefer you (and/or she) cheat, in the traditional way. Ironic, huh?

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Where exactly is the irony? You seem to misunderstand the point in what I said. Look at it this way, if poly folks are the first to point out that polyamory is not just about sex, then why is it that sex is the only thing that we monos can seem to object with? That's actually more ironic if we're going to get to the brass tacks.

The point is, that some of us would prefer NOT to know whether their partner is poly, unless they're insistent on carrying it out. If a poly partner knows that there's no chance, and the only thing such a disclosure will do is cause grief for all parties, then logic would say that it's an extremely risky gamble. Sure, I may win the lottery if I bet my mortgage payment... but is it really worth the risk? And yes, the risk is at least that great, if not greater when even suggesting such a dynamic change in the relationship.

Just because it's revealed in the name of honesty, doesn't mean it won't be hurtful... It also doesn't alleviate the poly partner from the responsibility of causing that pain.

I don't have time for long advice, but I do want to support you and tell you there is NOTHING wrong with you, and I went through all the same thoughts and issues as you for a very long time.

I'm still struggling because I'm not where I really feel my heart wants to be.

I hope it works out for you, but also, don't worry about blame. There isn't fault. Each person in the party needs to come to terms with what will make them happiest and then work on if that is compatible.

She basically proposed that option right off the bat as the solution she's willing to accept (at this point), but I feel that option may not be enough for me.

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Is it enough for NOW in these first few weeks after sharing the news? That you remain in a Closed relationship while she Opens her mind enough to talk to you about your poly thoughts and feelings so you aren't so bottled up?

It might not be enough forever, but if you are struggling with depression, maybe it's enough for now so you can get YOUR racing thoughts calmer.

Let future take care of itself. Stop thinking of this process as an open and shut deal. But more like a series of unfoldings for each of you.

She was having panic attacks because she was assuming I'm basically looking to be a polygamist with 100 children from 100 women

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I believe feelings ensue after action behavior or thinking behavior.

If she's thinking over the top stuff that later lead to her feeling upset? Who is doing the thinking behavior? She is. Who has to stop doing it? She does.

You have to allow her time to learn to do her emotional management. Not take responsibility for doing her emotional management FOR her. There's a difference between being supportive and helping her and taking over her jobs.

I'm glad you both have decided to postpone discussing anything further for a while. Maybe this is the time for each of you to focus on your own self care?

I struggle with depression and seeing the pain I'm causing her brings dark thoughts. I'm just looking for anything to help stop/lessen the hurt I'm causing. I care about her SO much, I don't want to hurt her like this.

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If you are depressed and having dark thoughts, you need to do your self care first. You put your own oxygen mask on first in a plane crash before trying to help other people. It is not selfish. It is NECESSARY. Who can you help if you keel over? How are you managing the depression/dark thoughts? Have you seen your doctor?

Being honest is very important to me. I know that I've done the right thing by telling her, I just wish it didn't hurt her so much.

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Nobody likes to see someone they love in pain.

But perhaps the thing to learn here is to be ok with experiencing the full gamut of human emotions. Some emotions are fun to feel. Some are not. They all pass in time if people allow them to.

My spouse and I have faced many hurts over the decades together. We know how to hunker down and weather out the storm. We both can trust in each other's emotional resilience. We know neither is out to get the other one or trying to hurt them on purpose. Just that some situations can be tough.

You are facing a tough situation. You being more open, honest and more authentic YOU isn't a design to hurt her somehow. If it means you guys may no longer be compatible for a romantic relationship in future -- I could see where both would feel upset and grieve over that possibility. But I also hope you can see that continuing a romance like "going through the motions" does neither any good either.

This needs to be sorted. So do not lean away from doing the sorting. Lean INTO it and sort things out one way or another. Don't NOT do it just because you might feel afraid of whatever final outcome might be. Take it in smaller steps so you don't burn out or overwhelm, but do keep it moving forward.

How can I "cope" with monogamy despite my desires?

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If it's simply not something you want to do any more, you "cope" by making peace with that new knowledge. You don't "cope" by faking it. Why would you choose to practice a relationship model you do not really want to practice?

How can I help her understand me?

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Do your side of the job. Keeping being open and honest. Communicate. That's all you can do on your end to help.

Reaching understanding is an action she does on her end after receiving data. That's her side of the job.

You do yours and let her do hers.

Anyone have any advice or links on how I can make this work?

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Look, if you were talking about marriage?

You are doing the work of Engagement to me. To see if you are truly deeply compatible for the long haul. People sometimes don't give the Engagement Time it's due. They rush on to planning a wedding rather than having the long talks they need to have about lifestyles, children, politics, careers and so on.

To me successful engagement ends in one of 2 ways.

1) The couple does the deep talking and finds out they ARE deeply compatible. Then the end the Engagement and move on to planning a wedding.

2) The couple does the deep talking and finds out they are NOT deeply compatible. They end the engagement and spare themselves the financial and emotional costs of a bad marriage/divorce/kids. A smaller success, with some disappointments perhaps. But still a success.

Did I f*** this up? Is this relationship a lost cause now?

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If after time to digest and talks you both find that a romantic relationship no longer fits? Do what is healthy for the PEOPLE. Don't bend the people into pretzels trying to preserve "the relationship model."

You guys can practice a different relationship model together if you wish to remain in each others lives. Like a friendship model. Maybe something else.

The relationship doens't have to be a “lost cause” if you both don't want it to be. But the model you practice together might have to change if you want to ultimately be free TO poly in your romances and she wants to be free FROM anything poly in her romances.

Your partner may be in poly hell. There's no new partner, but there is this NEW IDEA now. And she's going to have to process all the emotions including processing grief.

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell

Her core beliefs could be challenged right now.

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articl...nster-managing-jealousy-in-open-relationships

She may not arrive at wanting to be in a poly situation. But you can hope that she will arrive at seeing that this is NOT about her being "less" or "lacking" or something.
Hopefully she can see this is about you understanding yourself better and understanding your preferences for your romantic life better.

She will hopefully appreciate your honesty and openness. And hopefully appreciate that you are trying to act from a place of good character. Not out of anything malicious.

Just take it one day at a time or a few weeks at a time. Especially if both are experiencing racing thoughts and worries/upset about the long term future -- agree to take it in steps and only think so far ahead at a time. Say a week or a month at a time. You do not have to have ALL the answers this very minute. BREATHE.

I hope things start to get a bit better for both of you regardless of final outcome.

Galagirl

CoolName said:

CTF:
Wow that IS a downer =/ I'll say that I did know ahead of time that she wouldn't like the idea, but I did feel that I had to tell her; honesty is key to me. But most of what you said is literally my worst fear as far as how this can go.

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Like I said, I don't want to be a downer, but if honesty is what you favor most, then you have to accept it as a likely outcome. For both of your sake, coming from someone still trying to recover, I truly hope things work out better. But reading so much of what you said, mirrored so much of my own situation, that I feel compelled not to blow sunshine up your ass & give you any false hope. Sure, there are a few successes stories out there, but for every one of them, there are thousands of stories like mine.

This doesn't mean I think you're a bad person for having the feelings that you do. I'm sure she doesn't either, but understand that you made a choice to tell her. And now, the consequences are yours to own. If you think that you need other relationships/sexual encounters.... then yes, you did the right thing by giving her a heads up... but if you knew that she would take this hard, and have no need to explore poly at all... then all you did was turn your guilt, into her nightmare.... and what was gained? Looking back, would have really made the same choice to tell her again?