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  #1  
Old 10-01-2009, 08:54 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Default moving in together

What is it with the NRE moving in together thing? I mean, why is it that people think its a good idea to move in together when they are just starting their relationships? It spells danger if you ask me.

I know I'm going to get balled out for this one, but having been on here for some time, having experienced doing this myself, having listened to others do this over and over again and it more often than not turn into disaster I wonder why people don't THINK about the possible consequences and WAIT!
We are such a society of "now," and we forget to take our time. I did the same thing with Mono. I was keen to move him in and now I see the benefit to his not living with us. I'm so glad I listened to my husband on this one and we are waiting. I am positive it has brought us the success in our relationship that we all share in. I get to have two homes, I get to spend family time and husband time at one home and close boyfriend time at another. It has meant we have space when we have issues going on and has meant that we are able to do things in our own lives on our own.Now I even fantizes about having my own place, or at least having my own room!

Sure at the beginning I was convinced I would never want to be alone, I would always want my men around. I thought it would always be sunshine and roses and had a perminant smile on my face when I had spent time with just us three being all cozy and close, but I am positive it has meant those times are more frequent. They wouldn't be if we lived together because we would be too busy doing day to day stuff. We would be together so much in an every day way that it would get lost. Or at least be lessoned.

I have been emailing with a man that used to post on here, but has been going through a really hard time in his "V" and stopped to take care of it. He moved his girlfriend in quickly and it almost immediately changed the dynamic. Now it has exploded in his face. I can't tell you how often I have heard that happen.

All I can say is... SLOW down! There is no rush! Enjoy every moment of you NRE. Beause when its over you will see clearly if its a good idea to all move in, or enjoy the space.
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  #2  
Old 10-01-2009, 09:14 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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So. Very. True!

But that's kind of what NRE is...it makes people crazy.
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Old 10-01-2009, 09:19 PM
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Wise words redpepper.

I'm thankful every day that my wife's lover is 6 hours away. We are so new to this, and I'm still mentally adjusting, that I know it would be too soon if she just up and said "here he is, lets move him in".

But surprisingly (or not) we've discussed it already, lol, just as you said, NRE causes people to think that it will be good all the time and ignore the possible bad outcomes and consequences.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this.
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Old 10-01-2009, 09:33 PM
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I can't tell you how true this is. In the beginning most of us wanted to move in together as soon as we could. Circumstances didn't permit and thankfully, not all four of us were ready at the same time. Now, I see a different dynamic. I would like for us to live closer. 2 hours apart can be difficult. I can even see us living next door to each other.

Actually, that is a goal of mine. I do not think that we could live as peacefully under one roof. It would have to be a special house for that. To allow space and time away from the others. Living separately, next door, would give us each our space, a get away place and still be able to see each other in varying forms of configurations.

Hell, I'd be ok with living an hour apart I think. 2 hours makes it difficult to find times to see each other.

But I am thankful we didn't try to make a move in the beginning.

Vol
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Old 10-01-2009, 09:47 PM
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Good post Lilo! I'm enjoying the two of us creating a new space for me to move forward in life with you and our chosen family at the forefront.
I love having you visit the OH Baby!!
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Old 10-01-2009, 11:33 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Hm. This is a good topic.

I must say I have been extremely lucky because my husband moved into MY apartment after we had been together for less than six months - THEN - my mother caught cancer and we BOTH moved into HER house into MY OLD ROOM in the BASEMENT... only two months after he moved into my apt.

A very large part of the credit goes to the fact that S is extremely easy-going when it comes to minutiae. I am very minutiae-oriented, mostly because my life revolves around cats and strategically placing objects to as not to become destroyed or defiled by said cats. I REPEAT: My life revolves around cats and if everything is not JUST SO, the cats will fuck it up or ruin it. But that is the lifestyle choice I made, and the enjoyment I get out of having the cats and doing right by them equals or exceeds the enjoyment I would get out of being able to drop my stuff anywhere anytime without it getting pee or hair all over it. But I digress.

My point is that S has been the one to adjust to all these things, especially to the point where he started sleeping in another room because he's kind of allergic to the cats (not all the time, but very much so when he's trying to sleep). Plus, his snoring keeps ME awake. I guess what I am trying to say to you's is that for the long haul, it really is important that everyone have their OWN SPACE, because the novelty of "all of us cuddling in one big bed" goes away - maybe not after one or two or five years - but it does go away, and eventually what you have is a bunch of snoring and farting and nobody is well rested in the morning.

Yes, there's my pessimistic side creeping in again, but frankly, a board like this can use an injection of pessimism every now and then to keep the balance. And when you really think about it, it is NOT pessimism at all, but rather a testimony to the reality of what it takes to live with someone(s) in such a manner as not to get totally fucking SICK of each other for no good reason at all.

Having said all that, I do realize that people live together for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is to save money, which sometimes involves sacrificing space.

I can certainly think of more to say, but I have to go do other things. I promised to bring cheese and a salad to a pot-luck dinner at our last camping excursion of the season this weekend, and I must hop to.

Of course I'll be staying logged in.
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Old 10-02-2009, 01:20 AM
HappiestManAlive HappiestManAlive is offline
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Glad I foud this thread, it's giving me a new direction to think.

Violet and I moved in almost immediately upon dating seriously, really unintentionally but nevertheless. There was adjustment, but we're better for it and can't imagine moving apart.

The situation with Anne has all three of us talking about moving into a bigger place together as soon as feasible. I'm wondering if we should, mayb people here can help us think this thorugh in this thread?

Violet has seperation anxiety. Doesn't matter if I'm with Anne or with my business partner or other friends - if I'm gone at bedtime, she starts to get a little crazy.

Added to that, Anne feels "left out" or less than equal because of the time Violet and I spend together by default; add to that Violet freaking out when I try to spend the night at Anne's, and one can see where she sometimes feels a little miffed.

This veyr subject - the time sharing, more than the moving in together, was brought up last night. The other night, I spent time with Anne and while I didn't spend the night, I was there past Violet falling asleep. And there was no drama at all. Anne and I had a beautiful time together withou interruption, and I came home to a peacefully sleeping Violet who was shamelessly happy about Anne and I having a great night, and we snugled up and had a good night's sleep. I awoke the happiest I've ever been, and Violet even woke up happy (and she is bar none the worst morning person ever born).

So what was different about that night? Violet proposed it was the quality time all three of us spent together that evening. Previous good nights/bad nights were examined, and this wasa common theme - when we spent time together, Anne and I could have time together without Violet having a hard time (Violet/Anne time isn't discussed here because it's a non-issue, I openly wish they'd spend more time together and have no issues at all with it when they do).

This led to an agreement that we would try to meet up all three of us for at least a few minutes each day - preferably for dinner or something but at least a few minutes of "catch up" time - regardless of who was spending time with who or even if all three of us were going to be together all night. Anne agreed this would help her not feel bad about taking me from Violet, and Vi agreed this would greatly reduce her anxiety when I was gone.

Which of course had all three of us lamenting the seperate apartments and wanting to hurry the move in together timeframe. Which seemed like a great idea at the time...

Thoughts?
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Old 10-02-2009, 01:31 AM
violet violet is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Enjoy every moment of you NRE. Beause when its over you will see clearly if its a good idea to all move in, or enjoy the space.
Just to toss this in here, I HATE NRE. I hate it. HATE. It's a hindrance more than anything to me, and really just pisses me off. I want to be past it already.

In my relationship with HMA and Anne, I don't feel the NRE. At all. And believe me, I know what it feels like. I still think moving in together is a good idea - when it's feasible about 4 months down the road. HMA didn't express that one. 4 months, IMO, is plenty of time to make SURE of things.
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Old 10-02-2009, 01:57 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by violet View Post
Just to toss this in here, I HATE NRE. I hate it. HATE. It's a hindrance more than anything to me, and really just pisses me off. I want to be past it already.

In my relationship with HMA and Anne, I don't feel the NRE. At all. And believe me, I know what it feels like. I still think moving in together is a good idea - when it's feasible about 4 months down the road. HMA didn't express that one. 4 months, IMO, is plenty of time to make SURE of things.

Good for you!

Not to hijack, this is relevant, but it's all about ME:

NRE is sort of like a "high" in bipolar lingo. I'm not quite bipolar, but I have a problem with feeling REALLY HAPPY like to the point where you feel giddy and transcendent and like you could just leave your body and never return... because every time I have felt like that, the inevitable crash has ensued, and I'm not talking about simply my MOOD. I'll give you an example, but please bear in mind that this sort of thing has happened to me a LOT and this is only the most recent one:

I was driving my new/used truck last December 18th, thinking what a pleasure it was to have all the features and the smooth ride of the off-road suspension... I LOVE THIS TRUCK! Maybe I should name it?

And suddenly I was on a small bridge spinning in a 540 degree arc (it had snowed the day before and it was icy) ending up on the other side of the road smashed into the guard rail... Thank GAWD there were no other vehicles traveling the other way and well, a video is worth a million words:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m23W6yOqMwI

Anyway, my point is that NRE is sort of like that, so congratulations on being able to avoid it.
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Old 10-02-2009, 01:59 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HappiestManAlive View Post
Violet has seperation anxiety. Doesn't matter if I'm with Anne or with my business partner or other friends - if I'm gone at bedtime, she starts to get a little crazy.

Added to that, Anne feels "left out" or less than equal because of the time Violet and I spend together by default; add to that Violet freaking out when I try to spend the night at Anne's, and one can see where she sometimes feels a little miffed.

Honestly? It sounds like to me you're trying to move the mountain to Mohammed here. I don't see the problem you're describing being solved by having Anne move in. What you're describing to me feels like an imbalance. Everything's fine as long as Violet gets to have you in bed each night. Anne doesn't get that choice and her needs are trumped by that fact. That fundamental imbalance will still exist even if the three of you share the same bed each night.

It sounds like you need to establish that relationship more, address that separation anxiety and truly come to a clear consensus about what all three of you view as your "equal" roles in the relationship. It's enough to try to establish how to live together...trying to do that *and* sort out how your relationship is going to be between the three of you seems like it could create unnecessary difficulty.

It's lovely that the time you spend together helps quell the insecure feelings, but you can't solve issues of insecurity by trying to prevent the situations that cause them. The actual insecurities need to be addressed, because they will always find new ways to surface. And there's always the chance that they could surface in much more harmful ways if you're all living together.
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