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  #31  
Old 04-13-2011, 03:39 AM
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Originally Posted by koifish View Post
I offered up the wedding postponement and he didn't snap it up, so maybe a desire to get married as planned is still rolling around in his noggin.
Is that enough for you? Was your goal in talking to him to make sure the wedding takes place, or to make sure he gives you the respect you deserve?
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  #32  
Old 04-13-2011, 05:52 AM
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Originally Posted by koifish View Post
Well, we talked. More talking, less glaring, which is good. I offered up the wedding postponement and he didn't snap it up, so maybe a desire to get married as planned is still rolling around in his noggin.

We talked about a lot of things that he was specifically angry about, which is lot better than unverbalized undifferentiated anger.

I think it was good.
I hope you can find more time to talk and that you feel comfortable expressing your needs and feelings in a direct but loving way.
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  #33  
Old 04-13-2011, 06:08 AM
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hmmmm,

imho a wedding should be symbolic of a strong commitment already existing. A strong commitment shouldn't be created based on the existence of a wedding.......
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  #34  
Old 04-13-2011, 02:11 PM
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I guess that didn't come across quite right. What I meant is that I have sincerely disinvested from the wedding. I want to let the wedding go for right now if it means building a stronger bond with him. I wanted to take pressure off him about the wedding and also show him that I was definitely no longer putting the process of getting married ahead of him.

I was really surprised because despite all his anger, he seemed more unwilling to call off the wedding than I was.
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  #35  
Old 04-13-2011, 03:19 PM
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We're not getting married unless and until its happy and wholehearted.
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  #36  
Old 04-15-2011, 06:12 AM
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He is persistently angry and it is directed at me. There is stuff that has troubled our relationship in the past and he won't believe when I say I've learned or changed (I have), and won't have enough faith to test out whether I have learned of changed. He traps me with verbal tricks. When he thinks I should know piece of information and don't, he refuses to share with me. Asks if I remember a vague something earlier in the conversation. When I don't know what he's talking about, he accuses me of not listening "like always". He says that I subconsciously forget things in order to gain advantage in an argument. (Absurd).

His anger towards me seems to surround the idea that I supposedlyhold him entirely responsible for my unhappiness in our threesome. I told him that I should have defended my own happiness better, but that he allowed a distance where he did not see the degree of my unhappiness very clearly. This angers him. He will admit to a small and defiantly unspecified responsibility in the matter, but any attempt on my part to assign him any responsibility for my negative experience gets conflated with "blaming him for everything."

He says my shortcomings with our relationship were the same before and during the threesome. My insistence that my behavior that helped create distance between us during the threesome was actually directly related to the circumstances of the threesome only elicits anger and disbelief. I keep insisting that I had trouble being close to him and them in large part because I was stressed and unhappy and we spent a great deal of time with our third. This is met with scorn and disbelief.

Broken plate flung against the wall. Slammed door. By him. What you think?

He reconfirmed tonight that he loves me and wants to be with me.

I made an appointment with a therapist next week. I'm going. I hope he'll come with me.

Last edited by koifish; 04-15-2011 at 06:16 AM.
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  #37  
Old 04-15-2011, 10:48 AM
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Have you thought about a temporary split to give you both some breathing room? Dealing with getting married, breaking up and coming out all at the same time just really isn't bringing the best in your fiance to the fore.
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  #38  
Old 04-15-2011, 12:29 PM
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How does a temporary split differ from a permanent one? Is it really possible to split temporarily?
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  #39  
Old 04-15-2011, 12:31 PM
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I was thinking more in terms of physically splitting into two separate apartments than terminating the relationship.
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  #40  
Old 04-16-2011, 05:24 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by koifish View Post
Broken plate flung against the wall. Slammed door. By him. What you think?

I think adding a third person to the mix of a troubled relationship isn't going to be good for anything.

I think getting married when the relationship is obviously not solid isn't going to be good for anything other than a quickie divorce.

Until each of you has a better grasp on your own shit to where you can figure out how to play nicely with each other, there's not much good to come of anything.
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