I'm Afraid My Fiance Is Thinking Of Leaving Me

My fiance Heath and I had been in a triad with our girlfriend Lucy. She just broke up with us a couple weeks ago. She was not happy in the relationship. She needed really to have a primary partner, rather than date a couple.

I knew she was unhappy for a long time, and it really ruined the relationship for me. I could never tell when the next upset was coming. I lost trust and was worn out from all the reassurance that I gave that she could, in fact be happy, in this relationship. I stayed in the relationship partly out of not wanting to rock the boat; partly out of wanting Heath to be happy and have what he wanted; and partly hoping that because a triad can work in theory, that it would work for us. (I am bisexual, by the way.)

Heath really loves Lucy, and really enjoyed his relationship with her. While it was going on, however, I was so uncomfortable and unhappy, and we spent so much time together as a threesome, that I was significantly less affectionate and more withdrawn, not from him, but from the situation. I was unable to interact with them in an openly loving way, therefore spending a lot less time acting lovingly towards Heath, since we didn't get a lot of time for just the two of us.

Add to this the pressure of planning a wedding, and the fact that Lucy was deeply uncomfortable with the wedding.

Heath had always said that when times get tough, it's going to be him and me. Him and me.

He was extremely sad when Lucy broke up with us, naturally. I was sad, but also terribly relieved, and looking forward to more time and attention from Heath, for more opportunity for us to build our lives together.

He met with Lucy to "have closure," and it was then she brought up the idea of him seeing her separately. But they both dismissed the idea, he told me, thinking we/they would just have the same problems as before.

Then, a couple days ago, I had gotten insecure, because his sadness and withdrawal had gone on so long. But he told me he had told Lucy that he was with me not by default, but because he loved me so much. That was good enough for me.

Yesterday, he was withdrawn, listless, uncommunicative. I tried to take care of him the best way I could. It was almost like he was mad at me, but wasn't saying it. He assured me he was just really tired.

Then, this morning, I wake up to find him angry and resentful. He told me he doesn't believe I will ever be able to meet his needs the way Lucy did. His evidence was the few months prior to dating her, when we had moved in together and I had had trouble being instantly intimate in this way, and would tend to create emotional distance in place of the physical space I used to have. That got resolved just fine, I thought.

Then he added the evidence of how I'd acted while we were dating Lucy, when I was desperately unhappy most of the time. He has the idea that I was in fact very unhappy, even as he was happy.

He is extremely resentful right now. He was mean when I brought him lunch, and has basically asked that I leave him alone, at least for today, and I don't know for how long.

He's been drinking more. He also hates his job.

I know he dreams of just running away. Lucy also dreams of just running away. Because of various things, I can't just run away right now!

I feel like it's deeply unfair to think our relationship is unworkable now, when he has loved me a whole lot in the past. I know in his mind he is comparing this 8-month relationship with Lucy, which was largely fun and enjoyable times for him, a honeymoon period after all, with our relationship. He showered affection and baby talk on her, and saved the nitty gritty, all of his serious issues, for me. This was because he and I had a deeper relationship than Lucy and he did, he said.

Nobody matches up completely. Nobody thinks about things in the same way. Long-term relationships always involve conflict in the way that shorter term relationships don't.

What is he doing here? Is this a stage of grief? Or something worse?

This man is the love of my life, and honest to god, I can't imagine my life without him.

I'm really sorry that things have gone in this direction.

If you apply the seven stages of grief, it sounds like Heath is stuck in what we used to call "the pit of despair." It's the middle stages of anger, bargaining, depression, reflection and loneliness. My view is that you can't presume any particular outcome while someone is in that state. You just need to understand that he's grieving and do your best to be helpful while he is. There's no easy guideline as to how long this will take.

This is one of those moments where you simply have to realize that you can only control what you do and say-- your choices. Heath will make his own choices in due time. The only advice I can give is to not shy away from seeing his pain (even if it manifests as anger and blaming you), and respond lovingly to that pain, and not the particular manifestation (assuming it's not harmful to you).

While he's grieving, I'm not sure there's anything else to be done.

Once he starts making clearer choices, then you can choose your own reactions to deal with that.

I feel for you, though. It's a sucky place to be. Exercise some patience, plus a high dose of loving behavior, until things become clearer.

Good luck, Koi, as you and Heath reassess this situation. It sounds like you and Lucy were both unhappy for most of the relationship, while Heath just reveled in having two women, while leaving you both emotionally unsatisfied! The heck with that!

I agree, he enjoyed the NRE mooshy-gooshy lovey-dovey stuff, while you were left with mundane day-to-day shit. That seems to be such a big problem in new polyamorous relationships, and it's just not right.

Magdlyn said:

It sounds like you and Lucy were both unhappy for most of the relationship, while Heath just reveled in having two women, while leaving you both emotionally unsatisfied! The heck with that! He enjoyed the NRE mooshy-gooshy lovey-dovey stuff, while you were left with mundane day-to-day shit... that's just not right.

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Such a great point! It does seem like his feelings were out of synch with the folks around him. That's an interesting point of self-reflection right there, if he's open to it.

Heath likes giving affection; he loves loving, he loves taking care of people; and he's great at commitment. In retrospect, it becomes a little more obvious that he was enjoying this situation, whereas Lucy and I were just trying to make it work, and not being successful at it.

If we try this again, it will have to be different.

I am recovering well from the breakup. Lucy is also recovering well. We are going to be good friends, I think. That's sort of what we mostly were, anyway.

I have found a lot of peace in thinking about the stages of grief. I think he is in Stage 3, anger. Some people experience the anger stage so intensely that they lash out and damage or permanently destroy relationships. They resent and blame those who are closest to them, regardless of actual fault.

So. I'm taking a deep breath. This is the man I have committed my life to. I will let him know that it's okay for him to feel angry and to want space, and that I love him and will be there for him. I will honor his grieving process. It's out of my hands, anyway. I also think it's interesting how I'm probably seeing him at close to his worst, even before we get married. It's weirdly freeing.

Anyone have any ideas about how to facilitate the grieving process when someone is in this state?

Ultimately, the goal is to help someone work out their feelings. "Work out" doesn't mean expedite, rather it means giving them space to feel (and not suppress) their emotions, and lending a non-judgmental ear that allows them to work through those feelings.

This can be hard to do if you are very close to the person. That is why therapy or other types of counseling are so useful when someone is grieving.

I always fall back on something that a professor told me a long time ago. The first duty of a friend when someone they love is grieving is to be there. Not to talk. Not to fix it. Not to expedite it. Just show the willingness to be present.
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People often struggle with this advice, as they can feel so helpless. Like they "should be doing something." What the willingness (or maybe stubbornness) to be present means to me is that I:

• Don't let my discomfort in seeing them in pain make me shut down
• Hold them when the want to be held
• Leave when they want me to go (but be close by)
• Listen when they want to talk
• Wait when I don't know what to do next

I abandoned the idea of becoming a therapist because I couldn't separate other's pain from my own. So I'd be useless doing this on a daily basis. But, the above is how I approach being a friend to someone in pain.

All of this is really challenging:

Don't let my discomfort in seeing them in pain make me shut down
Hold them when the want to be held
Leave when they want me to go (but be close by)
Listen when they want to talk
Wait when I don't know what to do next

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I'll add one more: Don't take the grieving person's actions personally.

You are totally right, though. That's what I need to do. I did some more reading about grief, and those things are what's needed. I'm settling in for the long haul.

My wedding is quickly approaching, and I'm trying to keep my heart out of my throat.

I think he has moved away, to some degree, from the caustic anger.

koifish said:

I'll add one more: Don't take the grieving person's actions personally.

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Yes, absolutely that too! Hang in there and try to find some time for some self-care.

koifish said:

If we try this again, it will have to be different.

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Both having partners of your own, or sharing a gf who has a primary of her own?

Probably a gf who has a primary of her own. The entire time we were together, I felt like it was on my shoulders to make Lucy happy. She felt comfortable and loving with Heath from the beginning, and he with her, and it was early on decided that it was mainly my problems with "being close to people" that prevented me from being acting in unison with Heath as a primary to her. And this (it was decided) was why she was unhappy.

I felt incredibly inadequate, stressed and unhappy. Each time there was sort of an explosion of unhappiness in her, when she would try to break up with us, and Heath would convince her to stay, that things would be different, I would feel huge amounts of pressure heaped upon me to "be close." At the same instant, I felt such pressure to make her happy, and such a lack of trust that she could be happy, and that she wanted to be in this relationship, that I couldn't be close. It was decided that it was the lack of development in my relationship with Lucy that made her unhappy.

So Lucy and Heath became closer and closer, and I let them, because I knew he wanted it. I felt like the defective one, and I felt my unhappiness signified that I was the defective one among the three of us. The level of care and affection and emotional intimacy he used to have for me transferred in a big way to her, caring for her, keeping her happy by bits and pieces in this relationship she never really wanted, never really believed would work for her. I guess that he thought I knew I had him and should feel secure in that, and therefore did not require as much care (or possibly deserve it, since I was the one doing something wrong)

I'm beginning to see all these things in retrospect more clearly, and it's starting to make me angry. Heath was concerned if I would be good to him for the rest of our lives, as he has been grieving. As in, would I be as good to him as Lucy had been in the several months we dated her, during which he showered an enormous amount of care and affection on her, had a lack of the mundane conflicts that long-term relationships bring, and basically aligned himself with her in finding problems with how I performed in this relationship.

I think he has been selfish, honestly.

He is not the only wondering if someone will be good to someone over the course of a marriage.

I'm going to have to find something else to do with my anger other than talk to him about it right now. He is too fragile with the grief.

Poor you! Please note you just received a virtual hug.

koifish said:

As in, would I be as good to him as Lucy was in the several months we have been dating her, during which he showered an enormous amount of care and affection on her, had a lack of the mundane conflicts that long-term relationships bring, and basically aligned himself with her in finding problems with how I performed in this relationship.

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This actually produced a giant YIKES reaction in me. Performance is a word that should not be coupled with sex, love or relationships. The fact that you felt it was your performance that was somehow under evaluation sounds just really wrong and unfair.

I am being super-cautious with my triad right now. I have decided it's she who needs the girlfriend, and I will be her gf first, and their gf second, in part to avoid some of the problems you mentioned your ex was having.

How does all this impact your wedding, I wonder?

I hope the wedding is still going forward. I'm continuing with it as if it is. Two things need to happen before then:

Heath needs to be through his grieving process enough so that he can love me openly and be happy on our wedding day. I need to have been able to talk about him about my anger and resentment about this relationship and have it resolved. We're talking a month away. Yikes.

Thank you for the hug!

Would you be "as good to him"?!?!?!?!?!

You are TOO GOOD FOR HIM.

Don't marry this man.

I've got my faults, too. Honest to god. But I'm working on them.

For example, we had a lot of conflict over the wedding planning during all this, with me not listening enough to what he wanted (I am not a bridezilla, btw. I just wanted a celebration of sorts, where he wanted extremely small and private), and him being pretty untrustworthy about getting stuff done in response. At many times I was a shitty non-listener.

I think a lot of us carry a lot of weird stuff from childhood, things that were done to us, ways we were taught to behave. I see this non-listening behavior in both my parents.

One thing I don't regret about this relationship with Lucy is all the learning that went on. It's sort of a pressure cooker that brings to light insights about problems you weren't really aware of before, and then it's sink or swim in figuring them out. So I swam with a lot of things. Learned a lot.

How do I write this tactfully? I think that you have to work out your feelings before you get married. ("You" plural [you and your fiancé], but also "you" singular [koifish].) I'm reading between the lines here and am admittedly rather confused. I contributed 2 comments on your other thread: " I was just outed involuntarily 5 weeks before my wedding" which you asked the moderators to close before resolving your problem.

(Or do you now consider it resolved because the GF has left the relationship, making the being outed "irrelevant"?)

A few quotes from that thread:
"My fiance and I have known each other for 15 years. Last fall we became involved with a woman.
They all [your parents and your step-mother] say they are sad and disappointed and question why we are getting are getting married, even. They say the idea of our marriage has really been tarnished in their eyes and that when we have people come to our wedding who don't know about our third, that we are lying to them and betraying them. One of them said she specifically does not want our third at the wedding."

"My fiance now feels compelled to out us to his parents. This is horrible. I'm scared. [...] I don't know if his parents will want their financial contribution back. This will leave us with very little money for any kind of reception."

"I hope we decide we can wait to tell my fiance's parents so we can avoid that much more turmoil. [...] Right now I do not want to have to tell his parents. They are lovely and sweet and very religious and right now I love his dad more than my dad and they love me."

"I have to admit that I feel ashamed. Ashamed that other people know we've been doing this. My fiance is good at holding his head high. He'll even tell his parents, he says, before the wedding, and he doesn't worry about the consequences.
Me, I'm hanging my head right now. I am afraid for his family to know. They're important to me and their disapproval would bother me a whole lot. I like them more than most of my family.
I'm afraid of the unknown of telling them weeks before our wedding. I just have a hard time believing everything will be okay. It feels more like stepping off a cliff."

"Is this worth risking my relationships to my family over?"

And about your triad:
"She wants to be on completely equal standing with us right now, and always has, so the wedding sort of constantly upsets her. We were engaged 9 months before we met her.
When it's good with us, it's good. But that has been well under half the time."

"I care very much for our third and so does my fiance."

"I don't know if I am cut out for this. You may have read my other posts about being sick and polyamorous."

One of the pieces of advice I gave you on that thread was:
"[Don't] make your in-laws feel that you were being sneaky and dishonest by keeping quiet until after they'd paid for the show. The way things are now, they will find out someday. Wouldn't it be better to be honest and trust to their affection? Otherwise they will resent. [...] I think that if I were one of your fiancé's parents, financed the wedding, and then found out that you had kept us in the dark, partly out of fear that we would not pay for it if you'd been honest with us, I would feel manipulated and well pissed off!"

So... I have a few questions:
1) You've known your fiancé for 15 years, and you've been engaged what? 15 months? For how long were you a couple before you became engaged?
I bring this up because (you know this) there's this thing called NRE which would mean that your fiancé would be - for a while - more excited with a new relationship (about 6 months old at the time she called it quits?) than with someone that he's been loving for years. But - reading between the lines - you seem quite young to me, and I doubt that all those 15 years of "knowing each other" were as a couple.

2) Have you really changed your feelings towards the GF that much? (On the other thread, you had your doubts, but "When it's good with us, it's good. [...] I care very much for our third and so does my fiance." whereas on this thread you haven't got one good thing to say about her inclusion in the relationship.) Or is it that you were "putting on a brave face" before, whereas now you're being more honest with yourself about your pain and your dissatisfaction with the triad?

3) Are you poly... or were you just going along with your fiancé's wishes? (This isn't meant to be judgemental, believe me: There's no shame in declaring that polyamory isn't for you. And I think that both you and your fiancé need to be clear about this before you take the big step of getting married.)

4) Just how much of your present negative feelings about the GF's role in the triad are really due to this sense of shame (in the face of family and friends) about admitting that you're poly?

5) There's a common feeling re: budding poly relationships: "Am I not enough for him/her? Why does (s)he need another love?" Your parents (and stepmother) obviously ask themselves this question about your relationship with your fiancé. My question: Do you ask it? Even subconsciously?

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I have had a LOT of experience of listening to others' emotional crises. In the beginning, I would listen to A crying about how B was treating A really badly, and I'd agree that B was a real shit. Then I'd hear B's side of the story, and I'd see that B wasn't really such a shit. B had their reasons...

This happened often enough so that nowadays, my attitude is: "Wow, A! I feel for you. That sounds rough!... But what's B's take on this?" And even if I never hear A's side of the story, I'm aware that A has one.

I'd really like to read your fiancé's and the GF's feelings about all this.

I come back to the following point because it might save a lot of future heartache - and expensive dealings with lawyers:
Please, please! Do not go through with this wedding until you've got some basis issues well worked out and understood by both of you!

I apologise if I come across as the heavy guy. I wish you the best. Believe me. (I wouldn't have spent the last hour composing this comment if I didn't.)

I thought I was the one who was being the "heavy guy".

I think I said in the other thread (maybe not) that it would be grooovy to hear the other side(s) of this story.

However, what you need to do is make decisions that are RIGHT for YOURSELF, and don't get married or decide not to get married because of other people's opinions or your families' expectations. So far, it sounds like your crises stem from "what will everyone THINK if I do this or that?"

You have to decide what's right for YOU, and start putting yourself first in your life.

MrFFR, dude, please use darker colors if you're gonna do the fancy formatting. My eyes are still recovering from the acid green.

ETA by Neon: I changed the "acid" green to a darker green and moved the hijacky posts to another thread.

Koifish, the closer it gets to the wedding date, the more disastrous and havoc-wrecking cancelling it will be. The pooch is already screwed here. Now does not seem a good time to get married.

At this point, the wedding seems more about the event than the relationship, which ain't good.

Why do you want to get married now? I think this is a really important question.

koifish said:

I think he has been selfish, honestly. He is not the only one wondering if someone will be good to someone over the course of a marriage.

I'm going to have to find something else to do with my anger other than talk to him about it right now. He is too fragile with the grief.

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Oh, puh-leez! You need to talk to him about it. NOW. Before you say your vows. Why defer to his grief for her, when he has been incredibly selfish and outright mean to you? If I were you, I would consider postponing the wedding until you work out these very very important issues in your relationship. He doesn't seem to know how to be kind and loving to you, much less able to handle polyamory.

Ecch! I'm so sorry you felt you had to put up with his shitty treatment of you!

He should come here and post his side, too.