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  #11  
Old 04-08-2011, 02:32 AM
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My advice would be to see if you can loosen up some within yourself. You guys are are so young and what is the big deal about trying to keep it "just us three"???? I don't really get that......But I do wish you the best!!!
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  #12  
Old 04-08-2011, 02:37 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Seeker90 View Post
Both of them still want me to move to the city in the fall for school. So I'm thinking/hoping that physically being closer. . . will help things.
Well, moving closer won't help if you don't get clear about what it is you are getting into. Being closer won't help if you suck at communicating directly or create drama to get reactions out of them. Do you really want to take a chance at uprooting your whole life, on the "hope" that things will get better just by virtue of your being there, and not by actively working to make things better?

Are you just going because now they want you to, or are you going because you feel this is a situation that will make you happy? Have you defined the relationship between all of you to be something you can live with? What exactly are they expecting from you when you go there? Friendship only? Or a romantic sexual thing again? It sounds crazy to me, a little, to hang your hopes on this without some kind of clear agreement, not an assumption. Ask, talk, define things and see if what they say is something you can accept BEFORE moving out there.
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solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 04-08-2011 at 03:01 AM.
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  #13  
Old 04-08-2011, 02:58 AM
Seeker90 Seeker90 is offline
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I was moving out that way before meeting either of them. I have other plans for where I'm heading that don't revolve around them too. However, I thought that it would be a benefit that there wouldn't be as much distance. They've continued to encourage me to move and have said they look to it as well.

Also, I don't suck at communicating directly. I'm good at communicating directly, however, I don't like communicating when I know or have the feeling someone could get hurt. So it's not right or accurate to assume that because I avoid confrontations at times means that I suck at communicating. I'm not perfect at it, but don't suck either.

And I obviously am not trying to create, instigate, or provoke any drama. I'm here for advice on the situation, cause I believe it is savable.

And furthermore, I've already said I've acknowledged what I need to work on. So can anyone help with some of the questions I've asked in regards to say Drew or Michael? Cause even though I'm the one writing, I'm not the only one whose problems stirred stuff up.
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  #14  
Old 04-08-2011, 03:02 AM
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It didn't mean you specifically sucked at communicating or were creating drama; it was a "you understood" sorta thing. Sorry. I just meant that it seemed like moving was a bit drastic thing to do when so much seems to be clear or unsettled.
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #15  
Old 04-08-2011, 03:07 AM
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Hi Seeker,

My first (ever and polyamorous) love recently ended our relationship in a fairly cruel and selfish way so I am right there with how first loves can be really intense. I'm still dealing with the aftermath. I agree with what's been said already. Sounds like maybe you expected poly fidelity while Drew was open to more relationships. And if that were true, it wouldn't invalidate your feelings of betrayal but perhaps he was not clear on your expectations. O, my ex, was almost 15 years older than me. Age doesn't have to mean anything but it can. Looking back on our relationship, I feel like he took advantage of my youthful naivety. Just be careful as sometimes age can come in and make things difficult. I guess I'm a bit biased right now but I think being someone's first is a big responsibility. Esp. if it's an adult relationship. If you have your first relationship in middle school, no one expects it to last and it hurts at the end but I think that having your first relationship as an adult can be a unique challenge.
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  #16  
Old 04-08-2011, 04:10 AM
Seeker90 Seeker90 is offline
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Default No Worries NYC and thanks Ray

No worries nyc, I get that you were trying to be helpful. I took it in good spirit and tried to explain my side a bit better. Hahaha, hope that wasn't read in a Seeker's screaming mindset.

And Ray, thanks yeah, it was/is my first adult relationship. Drew and Brian both knew that. They knew I hadn't done anything in terms of pretty much anything at all beyond that basic high school mess around curiousness, but never do anything for real deal. And to me age doesn't matter with them, Drew likes that I'm younger, and Brian is in the whatever it's just age category as me.
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  #17  
Old 04-08-2011, 09:27 AM
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Default Help with Communicating

Do a tag search on 'communication', 'NVC' and 'non-violent communication'. There are a lot of people here with strong backgrounds in the area.

Try writing a letter to Drew and to Brian, perhaps first an uncensored letter with all of your thoughts on the matter, then take a break for few days, read the letter again, and check how many 'you' -statements you can change into 'I' -statements. I'm not saying you should post them unless you really feel comfortable with them, because although written communication can help in some situations, it can also make things more complicated because you can't really take it back in a way - there will be literal tangible proof of what you said, and it can sometimes hamper communication when the receiving party feasts on what they perceive to be the faults of the letter and doesn't focus on the situation as it is now.

There is a thread by the member habitat on writing a letter to her love after repeated boundary breaking. Take a look into that.

Best of luck!
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  #18  
Old 04-08-2011, 09:36 AM
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MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Seeker90 View Post
I know that I'm not in the complete right here. I also see the points that you and some other people are bringing up. I would like to address them with both Drew and Brian, but wouldn't know how to do it at this stage of things. I'd be afraid of messing things up further.
Believe me: communicating your concerns is not going to "mess things up further". Communication is never wrong. If you communicate honestly (and carefully) and things get messy, it's because they have trouble listening to the truth. And if that's the case, this relationship isn't going to be healthy anyway.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Seeker90 View Post
Also I want to know how I can effectively communicate that while I understand where I have been wrong and want to improve on those aspects myself, I want you (particularly Drew) to realize that you destroyed that blind trust in me. And you'll need to earn it back, and I'm more than willing to give you that chance, but I'm not going to be freely trusting again, you need to prove to me I can trust you, that sort of message.
Return to that word "carefully": Do some research on "non-violent communication". You want to "effectively communicate" - meaning not only that you want to express how you feel, but also you want the communication to be effective? Then don't say "you destroyed ... you'll need to earn ... you need to prove ..." Say "I feel..., I need..., I'm hurt..." [Look in the mirror and point your finger at it, saying: "You really messed up! You destroyed... You're going to have to..." While you're doing it - and this needs some imagination on your part - imagine that that person in the mirror isn't you but somebody else talking to you in that aggressive way. Now... do you feel very open to doing as you're told? Are you really open to even hearing all those accusations heaped on your head?]

Hope this helps.
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  #19  
Old 04-08-2011, 09:42 AM
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While I was typing out that last comment, BlackUnicorn got in there first! Here's the link to habitat's thread. (Pay attention not just to the letter, but to other members' replies to it.)
__________________
If I can't dance, I want no part in your Revolution.
- Emma Goldman Anarchist and Polyamorous par excellence
The person who says something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
- old Chinese proverb
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~ Anais Nin
I'd rather have a broken heart / Than have a heart of stone.
- from "Boundless Love (A Polyamory Song)" by Jimmy Hollis i Dickson
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  #20  
Old 04-08-2011, 02:05 PM
Seeker90 Seeker90 is offline
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That writing idea is good. It may be something new that I can try. And thanks for the insight on the talking and listening that thing. I'm glad that it wasn't just me that considered that maybe it was a listening problem as well.
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