Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #81  
Old 11-11-2011, 06:21 AM
ray's Avatar
ray ray is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 819
Default

Lol, yeah interrogation is a thing. I've done a little and I definitely liked it. Depending on who I do it with it can be sexual or not. It doesn't always have to involve beating :P It's a very creative form of play with loads of possibilities. In fact, before I embarked on my indefinite play hiatus, I was planning an interrogation scene with an experienced player in the area. I'm a bit bummed that I don't feel like following through on it right now.

Thanks! I feel like my life is starting to pick up momentum. I hope that I can keep it going and find the things I'm looking for.
Reply With Quote
  #82  
Old 12-14-2011, 04:10 AM
ray's Avatar
ray ray is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 819
Default To Fuck or not to Fuck

This post could definitely use some advice. I have a current conundrum along with my update. Right now, I'm finishing up finals and I've been reasonably stressed out between school, a new birth control pill, preparing for the holidays, applying to grad school, dating and all that jazz. I'm almost done. I have one more paper due on Thursday and then I can finally relax, sort of. I'm excited to be going back to NY for Christmas for the first time in a couple of years. It'll be good to see my new nephew and my niece who's grown so much! My grandparents are also having a lot of health problems so I'll be glad to see them especially!

In more scandalous news, I think I might want to have sex. Like really really soon. But I feel fairly conflicted. So awhile back, I decided to identify as monogamous and in my mind, I wanted that to mean that I didn't have sex with some one unless they wanted to be my boyfriend. In general, I wanted to avoid getting physically involved with some one period unless we were in a more committed dynamic. My friend E (one of Nurse's exes) had also decided to go monogamous when I did. Then a month or so later she ended up in another poly relationship. This one definitely seems to be a million times more healthy than the last but it made me wonder about my commitment to monogamy. Maybe I should just be whatever until I find that one? Like poly as a phase? But I resolved myself to monogamy, saying it was the healthiest option for me.

Not long after all of this transpired, I'd begun to feel a lot of anxiety with dating and had essentially stopped. The birth control was making me wig out and bringing up all these old fears and memories. So I'd stopped seeing the guys I was hanging out with and resolved to be really cautious since I was feeling anxious. Then one night, I was at a party at my neighbor's and for that night and the few times prior, I'd felt like this one guy, Ken (one my roommate's best friends), was maybe hitting on me but he was so attractive (like network television) that I figured I'd been imagining it. Then, we were alone in the kitchen and he kissed me. We ended up making out it the bathroom for a bit and then he suggested we go back out for a bit, so I figured we were done. I went back out but he continued to hang out in the kitchen alone, like he was waiting for me to come back in but I just couldn't. I felt kind of scared because I didn't know what he was intending and what I was comfortable with esp. since I was drunk. So, I went home and he and I haven't discussed it since then. But now, I feel super lusty towards him and have been kind of wanting to see if he'd be interested in hooking up again. I'm just afraid that he'll be mad that I freaked out last time or that he won't want to have sex with me because I'm inexperienced or that it's probably not even a good idea since we're in the same social circle. I don't know that I really want a relationship with him. I'm just not good at not getting attached so I don't know if I can just have an casual hookup and then go on dating other guys and not want something more with him? I feel conflicted because I'd like my first time to be in relationship but I also want it to be soon. I'm getting tired of waiting and I don't want to get super involved with some one right now since I might be moving out of state soon. I know that he's not my only option but he's super sexy and seems somewhat interested in kink or at least rough sex and he also seems like a decent human being. What if I really could just be like "let's have fun sex!" and then just not get involved? Brrrrr, I dunno.

Then, I'm going to coffee with a guy from fetlife on Sunday, so we'll see how that goes. He's new to the community.

I still pine a bit over Beanstalk but he's dating some one else now and he admitted that the age difference was a big deal for him.

I was so excited this summer when Nurse and I were together because I thought I was finally going to have sex and join the rest of the world, lol. I was super bummed when that fell through. Then, I'd hoped that Beanstalk and I might have sex but I knew pretty soon in that that wouldn't happen. Is it horrible that I'm conspiring to seduce Ken at a party while he's a bit drunk? I'm trying to assess if going through with this (if I get the opportunity) is something that I'll feel happy about afterwards.

Maybe my definition of monogamy needs revising? Maybe I miscalculated what was best for me? But it feels so hard to know... What if I just keep ending up in poly like E?
Reply With Quote
  #83  
Old 12-14-2011, 05:23 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 1,517
Default

I was a virgin until I was 24. I didn't plan it - i wasn't waiting for marriage or anything. It just happened that way. I was very sheltered, went to a private Christian school, and was very, very shy. Looking back at it, waiting that long was good for me. I had sex with my first girlfriend - we weren't serious but it was a real relationship and not a casual hook up. I believe now that having sex in my teens might have been damaging to me. I was so young and immature for my age. I had time to develop sexual ethics before I had sex which was a very good thing for me. Beloved however had sex at 13 and does not regret having sex at that young age at all.

Based solely on what you've posted here, purely casual sex might really bother you as a first time experience. I get the sense you might regret that being the setting for your first sexual foray - not because you are waiting for marriage or traditional monogamy but because emotional connection is something you appear to greatly value. And something more casual, less connected may not suit you right now (or ever).
Reply With Quote
  #84  
Old 12-14-2011, 06:15 PM
SNeacail's Avatar
SNeacail SNeacail is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Near Disneyland
Posts: 1,680
Default

All I have to say about when to have sex, is wait until it feels right to YOU and don't feel pressured by anyone else.

As for the poly vs mono thing - stop painting yourself into a box, drop the labels. Not wanting to have casual sex doesn't mean you aren't poly nor does it mean you are specifically mono, it just means that you don't want casual sex. It almost sounds like "committing" to a specific relationship style is stressing you out. If you do get in a relationship, then you will need to discuss these things with your partner, but until then trust your instincts and just be you, even if that means your mono one month and poly the next, etc.
Reply With Quote
  #85  
Old 12-16-2011, 07:43 AM
ray's Avatar
ray ray is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 819
Default

Thanks guys!

Well, and there's no one pressuring me, really. Mainly, I've just got two voices in my head. One that wants to go for it and one that's not sure. I come from a Christian background and I'm pretty sure that's one of the big reasons why I've had a lot of hesitations over the years. All of the religious anxiety has finally lifted.

I think it's very possible that if I went more casual I could regret but at the same time part of me really is curious. Maybe the birth control is making me hornier?? Lately, I've actually been turned on by the thought of having vanilla sex. That never used to happen!

And that's a good point about the labels. Part of me wants to have it all figured out but I guess i can't expect everything to be all neat and tidy like that. I still have a lot to learn about myself. And changing to do.


I think I might get some condoms just in case though.
Reply With Quote
  #86  
Old 01-09-2012, 09:42 AM
BlackUnicorn's Avatar
BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 906
Default

You are turning into a regular sex fiend, girl !
__________________
Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower
Reply With Quote
  #87  
Old 03-25-2012, 09:47 PM
ray's Avatar
ray ray is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 819
Default

When I think of where I was when I started this blog, I am so proud of how far I've come in the last year or so. I started it out in the midst of a heart-wrenching breakup/breakdown and felt like I had no control over my life or where I was heading. Today, I am far happier, healthier and more in control than I ever could have dreamed. I appreciate everyone's thoughts, support and advice. I feel like the blog has come to the end of its run and I wanted to write a closing post.

I don't foresee polyamory playing a role in my dating life. I feel happy with my choice of monogamy although I am currently too busy to do much dating. I do feel like I learned some good lessons about communication and not making assumptions from my forays into poly. I'm glad to have gotten such insight into the poly community and I hope to be able to use those experiences in my future career.

Recently, I was accepted into an awesome graduate program and of course, I accepted. I'm excited for my future career and can't wait to get started on my Master's. I'm going to be leaving SLC towards the end of May. I'm really going to miss it here. I have so many memories and I will always treasure this place. In the next two years, I'll get to live in different cities and work with some of the best researchers/practitioners in my field. There are a lot of unknowns stepping into this but I am excited to see what the future holds. It'll be awesome to get to concentrate on my studies and gain lots of experience in my practicums.

Right now, I definitely have full plate. Finishing the current semester, getting closure to relationships here in SLC, making travel arrangements, selling off my belongings, and many other things. I've dated a little on and off in the last few months but nothing has really materialized. I'm glad, in some ways, because a relationship would have made it that much harder to leave. I still haven't had sex yet but I feel confident that an opportunity will come sooner or later. In the meantime, I'm not really in a rush. Although, I'd be open to having a fling before I leave SLC. I'm probably too busy though.

I came to this forum when I began my relationship with O in the summer of 2010. I'm so glad that this place was here as a resource. It provided a lot of valuable information that was difficult to get in other places. The relationship was doomed from the start but I did benefit some what from having frames of reference here. I feel like my time here is coming to a close and that life is taking me in different directions. I don't know if I'll give up the Word Association Game, lol... In any case, thank you to everyone, I appreciate all of you and wish you the best in the future.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
bdsm, conflict, dating, depression, kink, single, virgin

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 08:26 PM.