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  #51  
Old 06-09-2011, 10:14 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ray View Post
I'll be working on campus at my university teaching people how to use computers. I also get free textbooks! How awesome is that...

I also became an aunt again this weekend! I have a brand new nephew, born very healthy.
Oy, lots of goodness! I am secretly dreaming of a job at the university library, although I am massively unqualified, as a content descriptor. Imagine getting to read textbooks all day and then writing down what they are about and getting paid to do that !

How do you feel about Nurse? Are you two dating as far as you are concerned? Would you like to be? Is he primary material?
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  #52  
Old 06-11-2011, 01:17 AM
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Librarians are sexy. Everyday, I like this job more and more. I hope to keep it for awhile.

Soooo, last night, the Nurse and I finally had "the talk." Although it was not as thorough/complete as I'd hoped. I think that our previous conversation from last week confused him. I'd had a bit of a freak out and told him that I was concerned that I was getting too attached. I think he interpreted that as I didn't want to be attached and need him to back up. What I really meant was I have feelings for you and don't want to get attached unless you feel the same.

I had him go first and he was like, I think we should just be friends right now and then if it develops into FWB or play partners, we can think about that later. My heart wilted a bit. Then I responded with how I didn't think I could keep doing things like kissing him/spending the night/playing if we were just friends. That it would be confusing. I acknowledged how things are complicated right now with both of our break ups but said that I really liked him regardless. Then, he made a happy sound and asked me if I would be ok having an open relationship of some kind. To which, I said yes. Then we figured that we'd take the next few weeks to define things a bit more. So, it appears that we are moving towards relationship land. Yippeee!
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  #53  
Old 06-15-2011, 08:48 AM
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A relationship! A real relationship! Yippee!
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  #54  
Old 06-22-2011, 11:45 PM
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So, still moving very slowly but still moving.

We haven't been declaring it and I do still feel like the Nurse's response to when I asked him if we were together was ambiguous but he didn't say no and we've been continuing to act more like a couple, so I'm assuming that's good? He recently had a sexual experience with one of his play partners that was previously a non-sexual relationship. I was kind of surprised that it didn't upset me. The first thought after he told me was "how was it?" And at that point we hadn't made any agreements about that sort of thing, so it's not like he broke any promises? I like her myself, as a friend, and find it to be a relief to have possible metamours that are people I can connect with. And today I asked him if they planned on sex being a regular thing and he wasn't sure, so I just asked him to let me know when they figure it out. Typically I would prefer to know before a relationship becomes sexual but seeing as our status is so ambiguous and we're not sexual ourselves, I don't think I have much to get in a twist about. What do you guys think?

He and I got a chance to play a bit a party over the weekend and the energy was really great. We tried some new things (for me, anyway) and I loved it! As the scene was ended he kissed me and it was one of my favorite kisses I've ever had, not that I have a huge library of experience... :P But still! The energy!

In other news, I've decided to have my infamous hymen surgically removed. I realized that doing things the natural way just isn't working. The surgery has very little risk and involved and a lot of reward. I would like to make sex a part of my life and after I have this surgery, the physical barriers will be significantly reduced. I was talking to my therapist about the emotional barriers. There are many but I'm starting to see a vision of how I would be most comfortable exploring my sexuality further. I think when I decide that some one is going to be my first sexual partner and they reciprocate that desire, I will need to go through a progression. Trying different sexual activities as I feel more comfortable. Building up to the things that are more scary for me. I have some pretty intense baggage and feel like I need to explore in a healthy and safe place so I make positive associations. I envision this process taking one to three months. Obviously, it's fluid but that sounds about like what I might need. So, the next step for me is to share with the Nurse what I think I need in order to be sexual. If he thinks that's something he can be on board with and wants to participate in that, great! If not, I'll have to look elsewhere. It's hard sometimes to hold firmly to what I know I need when it runs counter to what some one else wants. But I feel like I need to not compromise on this one. It's pretty important!

Last edited by ray; 06-22-2011 at 11:48 PM.
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  #55  
Old 06-24-2011, 07:28 PM
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So happy and proud of you! Yes, it IS important, and you need to stick to what you want and know you need.

Just curious - what happened to the other guy? Sinclair I venture his name was.

As to your question - do you feel you should be getting in a twist? Or is it something you thought of previously as a boundary and now you discover it's not that big a deal?
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  #56  
Old 06-25-2011, 01:21 AM
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Sinclair and I don't seem to have much of a connection. No hurt feelings I'm aware but it just wasn't a match of any kind other than friend.

The nurse and I did discuss an open relationship. Not in detail and we never specifically specified that we were in one. I interpreted it as when we decided to be in one we would hammer out some agreements. I envisioned something along the lines of sex and or play is ok as long as it's agreed upon beforehand. I would have like to have known beforehand that he was considering having sex with our friend. I think it was a spontaneous thing but it did bug me a bit that I felt slightly out of the loop. And I've obviously made some bad calls in the past as to peoples trustworthiness. So im feeling a tad paranoid about choosing/judging wrongly. He has a good reputation as a human being within the community from many people including those he's dated previously. So, maybe im just worrying too much?
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  #57  
Old 06-27-2011, 06:03 PM
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Someday's, I look at myself and think, gosh I am FUCK-ed up!

And after getting out of my relationship with O, I feel even more damaged than I was before. I've been having a lot of anxiety lately, in part because of a few injuries that have made it difficult for me to exercise. I'm all wounded up and constantly feel on edge. I found a chiropractor this morning and I'm going in later today. I hope that he can help put my back together (I'm like humpty-dumpty) and then I can get back to my physical routine. I did a bunch of writing and thinking this morning and that has helped me to clear my mind a bit.

I've been reading a lot lately about D/s relationships and other power exchange dynamics. The more I read about it, the more I feel like my relationship with O was a lot like a non-consensual D/s relationship. We were never equals in that relationship. He found me in a very vulnerable place and preyed upon my naivety.

Sometimes, when we would train, I would accidentally hit him. This happens a lot when you train. We all try to avoid it but mistakes happen. He had this thing where he would get kind of upset and stop what we were doing and intentionally hit me to "punish" me for hitting him. This was confusing to me. Sometimes I like getting hit and I often am hit in neutral ways for training. When he would do that, it made me feel uncomfortable and sad. It was not something I'd asked him to do or negotiated in anyway. I never asked him to stop because I felt bad that I hit him sometimes on accident and I justified it in my head by saying that it didn't matter because he didn't hit me that hard.

And there were times where he'd mess up and hit me in training. Once he hit me with an elbow to the back of the head and I had to go to the ER to get checked out for possibly having a concussion. Another time, he wanted to get fancy on a takedown and slammed me into the ground from 4 ft in the air, rotating my body so I unexpectedly fell face down, hitting my knee on the ground first. That left me in pain for a couple of months. When I would accidentally hit him, it was like oops, I tagged you with my knuckles and your lip is going to hurt for 5 minutes.

Thinking about all this really, really freaked me out.

Feeling like the line between consensual physical impact play and this was not clear to me. And I had to sit down and write out the differences, even though I know them in my head, it's still confusing emotionally. All the play that I've done, I've finished it and felt happy. With that, I never felt happy afterwards. I know that is enough of a difference but part of me just feels scared and upset. I guess I probably just need to process it all. I'm tired of the past sticking it's head in my business and making it difficult for me to enjoy the present.
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  #58  
Old 06-29-2011, 11:30 AM
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You are NOT fucked up. He most certainly sounds to be.

Unless you meant that physically. Is the back injured from training ?

In my book, hitting another person in purpose for some kind of imagined 'retribution', 'punishment' or 'fairness' is just plain WRONG.

I am glad you are rid of him. And happy that learning about BDSM is helping you to learn about yourself and your past .
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  #59  
Old 07-01-2011, 03:04 PM
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Well, I am fucked up physically as well, but I did mean in the emotional sense. Given my life experience, it's a miracle that I'm not completely batshit. My back has been injured for over a year now. I keep hoping that someday it'll go back to normal. It was kind of a stress/over training injury.

This week has been a difficult one. I've had to make some tough decisions but I think I made the right ones. My connection with Nurse was starting to create a lot of anxiety...not having a definition, him dragging his feet, not knowing what he wanted. I realized that it just wasn't healthy for me. He still needs time to heal from his breakup. I need stability and something that's well defined. So I decided that it would be best to take a step out for a bit. He really wanted to remain friends but after we put the kibosh on things I freaked out. My therapist recommended that I step out of the friendship as well for the time being. To give myself time to heal and not get stuck torturing myself more. So I sent him a message last night and told him. His message back made me cry. Well, I've been crying quite a bit this week anyway. I hope that soon I will feel well enough to reconnect. I miss him already. I'm guessing that a month or so is what I'll do.

I hate that I had to do that but I just need to take care of myself. And right now it hurts way too much to be close to the Nurse. He's really awesome and I want to get better soon, so that we can at least be friends again. He understood, not happy about it, but he gets it. He really doesn't know what he wants right now and that's really hard for me. Because I do know what I want. And that's being with him. But I can't have it so I need to be able to let go for the time being.
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  #60  
Old 07-01-2011, 04:00 PM
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Hugs!
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