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  #31  
Old 04-30-2011, 05:58 PM
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Dreams are so funny. I've had dreams like that where I was like why did I not stick up for myself. But of course that seems to happen a good bit in real life too.

It has been a mostly very shitty week. My brain has been stuck on Brad. Our internet went down and the company can't seem to get their act together to fix it. I'm in the middle of finals. I got a ticket from the transit police on Thursday. My mom lost her job which means I soon won't have health care which means no therapy. I didn't get the job I interviewed for which means that after next week I'll be unemployed too.

Sigh...

Meanwhile, I found out a few weeks ago that a friend of mine is kinky. He and I have been training together for almost a year. He then expressed an interest in me which I basically ignored. Then after reminiscing about the recent abysmal failures of krav maga relationships he was like oh wait nevermind. To which I say, good idea. I also didn't think I was interested in him. But....last night he came over to my house to watch a movie and we both got drunk and snuggled and talked for most of the night. He was pretty adorable. I had been really needing a good cuddle for awhile so I did really enjoy it. It became pretty obvious that he seems to have a strong interest. I don't think we're at all in the same place. I think S really wants a serious monogamous girlfriend. I'm not there right now. I just hope I didn't make a huge mistake by letting that happen.
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  #32  
Old 05-03-2011, 08:25 PM
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Whoops, just noticed I used a real name. Too late to edit, I suppose. Oh well, it's a common first name. We'll just pretend like I didn't do that.

Life never ceases to be interesting these days. I love how I was all like, oooo I wanna be monogamous and blah blah blah... Or at least avoid any kind of commitment with multiple folks. Currently I'm negotiating play relations or something (I am always a bit confused) with two guys who are good friends and have been in the kink scene for awhile (we'll call them Thing 1 and Thing 2). All of us are fairly fresh out of relationships and not looking for anything particularly serious. My anxiety about sexuality and relationships has been high key these last few days. Worrying that I'll feel obligated to do shit before I feel comfortable doing it.

And I think I haven't been getting enough alone time lately. People constantly wanting to hang out, texting me. And I'm trying to finish up finals. Plus I'm sick with a nasty cold/cough. Likely the result of too much partying this weekend. A bunch of us went to a local fetish themed night at a club. Overall, it was quite fun. I had a chance to catch Thing 2. We hadn't really gotten to talk much in person. I spent the night at Thing 1's house and actually had spent most of the day before going to the club hanging out with him. We got to play a bit and I really enjoyed it. Now, I'm just super exhausted and feeling a tad overwhelmed.

On the *squeee side, I got my awesomely awesome tax return and was finally able to buy a new laptop since my old one is pretty decrepit. I got a Toshiba and I'm quite excited for it arrive. And I have two more finals left and then I am done! That will feel so good. And I get to play with Thing 2 on friday. So much for being mono. I find it hilarious when they're like, so we were comparing notes and...

I feel like I've sluttified since breaking up with O. I've yet to decide how I feel about it entirely. Lol. I think I've gone on more dates in the last month or so than I have in my entire life before that. Sometimes I worry about losing my innocence or that my central feeling of childlike--ness will somehow vanish. But I guess that's silly. My virginity and sexual activity doesn't neccessary have to correlate to my moral standing/innocence/personality. I'm not sure why I can't seem to disconnect that.
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  #33  
Old 05-06-2011, 09:57 PM
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Therapists can be very helpful. After a long talk with mine, I realized that I just need to listen to my body and all other assorted characters. If one of them is uncomfortable, then I may just need to say no.

Then I had a nice talk with Thing 1, saying that I only want to do non-sexual play right now and he was quite understanding. I'm sure Thing 2 will be as well. Then, if I feel like I want to go further with that at some point, I totally can. And nobody gets traumatized.

On the sucky side, I have bronchitis. Hopefully resting up this weekend will remedy it. Having that while taking your finals is NOT fun! I could barely concentrate when I took my last test yesterday. I'm feeling slightly better today and finals are officially over, so I can actually relax. *insert big sigh of relief* I'm planning on hibernating this weekend.

I think that spring is finally here and I love that my snapdragons are blooming. They look so beautiful. I got a little jalapeno plant and I'm excited to see if I get little peppers! Once I feel better, I can finish transplanting stuff. I've got some dahlias and they are lovely. I can't wait until someday when I have space to grow lots of stuff. I'm glad we have a bit of room though. It's a fun hobby.
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  #34  
Old 05-13-2011, 05:01 PM
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Well, now that finals are over, I'm unemployed and what not. Not too much to keep me busy. Lately, it's been hard not to think of O and the pain that's still there. Earlier this week, I was at a restorative yoga class and we were in a pose and I was relaxing and connecting. All of the sudden, I just started crying uncontrollably. I guess that your body holds a lot of that emotion and when you connect with it, it comes out.

This Saturday will be my first Krav Maga class with O. I'm pretty nervous. I told my teacher that it's going to be difficult and summarized why so she'll understand if I need to step out for a bit. I wish I could pretend I don't care and it doesn't bother me. I just know how it makes me feel when I think about him or see him. I fall totally apart. Sigh... I hope that it goes well enough. Well enough, so I can try it again. At least I'll be hanging out with T1 afterwards, so I can get a big hug.

Things are going well with Things 1 and 2. Should I give them new nicknames? Is it entirely too confusing? Let me know. Earlier this week, there was a munch and afterwards it devolved into some more hanging out and play. Much fun was had by all and I got to try some new stuff out and new people.

I had so much fun, in fact, that Thursday evening, I was still glowing and I had a bunch of people comment on it. I think I may be developing feelings for T1. And I love getting to try kinky things out with people.

I got an unlimited yoga pass! I'm so excited, I get to go to so many classes now. I've been going just about every day. In fact, I'll be heading out to an Ansura class in like an hour. I am a bit sore but it's good to get a bit of activity when you're sore, helps to alleviate it.

And I get to play with T2 tonight. I think it'll be our first time. We were supposed to meet up last week, but then I got sick. And then there's a birthday party after that. I guess it'll be a late night. Hopefully not too late though, I have Krav Maga in the morning. Don't need to be exhausted AND distraught.
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  #35  
Old 05-14-2011, 04:45 PM
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What are you talking about? You sound like you have a ton of good things going on! It's good to be able to cry and let go that way. I'm happy for you!

Is T1 a potential? (nicknames would be good, yeah)
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  #36  
Old 05-14-2011, 08:36 PM
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Thanks for the reminder BU, there are a lot of good things. But sometimes, that pain is just really present and all those other things can't make it go away. I am trying to not repress my grief and let it out when it needs to. Sometimes, it does feel a bit overwhelming and I can start to feel like it's this big black hole that's sucking me in and is never going to let me out.

OK, so my updates as of late have been rambly and confusing. So I shall detangle.

I recently joined the kink scene where I am making new friends and am having TONS of fun. Two important figures, as of this time, previous known as Thing 1 and Thing 2, shall now be known as Nurse and Sinclair.

Nurse, is, well, a nurse. And we've started to play a bit together. He is just coming out of a rather serious relationship himself and has a lot going on dealing with all of that. I've really enjoyed spending time with him and we have a lot of fun/snuggling. He's 32 and works a lot of hours right now, so time is limited. I feel like we've gotten fairly emotionally close a bit quickly and I've already spent the night a couple of time. But both of us are still dealing with a lot of shit so I don't think that either of us wants to really do a relationship relationship with anyone. But who knows... And I can't lie, I think I might really like him.

Sinclair works in IT or something... We've spent less time together than Nurse and I. The two of them have been friends for a good long time and both were interested in playing with me and I with them and decided to relax and share. Yay for sharing! I got a chance to play with Sinclair yesterday and it was really fun. We had a chance to just talk for awhile too and he's also just coming out of a relationship. And it genuinely does appear that all three of us are on the same page. In terms of where we are and what we're looking for, etc...

So, as of right now, my status with them is primarily play partners, not necessarily exclusive. But, like I said, who knows...

I'm doing a lot of really important work on myself right now and I think I want to get a bit farther on that before I jump into anything really serious. I want to believe and know that I'm an awesome person not because Nurse or O or anyone says so, but because I say so.

So this morning was my first Krav Maga class with O since February. I managed to make it through the class but it was tough. It's hard to see him but I think I'm ready to take this step. I forgot my phone at class so afterwards, my teacher brought it over to my house and we talked for a bit and I told her about the relationship. It felt so good just to be honest and besides, she'd already figured it out anyone. The world didn't end. For so long, I felt like I couldn't talk to her because O had told me that if she knew she would kick him out of training. I was so afraid for so long of slipping up and disappointing them both. But, in the end, it wasn't a big fucking deal. It's a huge relief to have her know. I feel so much more peace right now. I hated having to distance myself from her. And now I don't have to.

Ah, so many leaps and bounds these days. It feels like I'm making a lot of progress lately. Learning to take care of myself, care about myself, express and enforce my boundaries. I still have a long way to go but I really feel like I'm getting somewhere and I want that to keep happening.
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  #37  
Old 05-15-2011, 01:06 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ray View Post
It felt so good just to be honest and besides, she'd already figured it out anyone. The world didn't end. For so long, I felt like I couldn't talk to her because O had told me that if she knew she would kick him out of training. I was so afraid for so long of slipping up and disappointing them both.
It sounds like he handed you a ton of bullshit in the course of your relationship.
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  #38  
Old 05-16-2011, 12:15 AM
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The more distance I get from it, the more I'm like, that was fucked up! There were definitely some good/great parts but there was a lot of bullshit and dysfunction. And I feel like I'm finally at a place where even if he were to come crawling back and want to be with me, I'd still say no.
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  #39  
Old 05-21-2011, 04:31 AM
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I've had a pretty good week! Mostly... Aside from a bit of bullshit and drama regarding O. It feels like he's been doing a few things lately just to get under my skin and make a power play. At this point, I'm trying to just ignore it and do my thing. He's not making it easy though.

On a happier note, things are going well with the Nurse. We got to play some more this week. I had an amazing time. I love being able to explore this side of myself. I think I'm starting to have feelings beyond "play partner" and I'm a little nervous because he's even fresher out of a breakup than I am. I just don't want to end up investing into something if he's just rebounding. I love having some one to cuddle and play with. We have good conversations and a decent amount in common.

In the mean time, I am really loving playing. The Nurse, Sinclair and I are planning a scene for an upcoming play party and I must say, I think it's going to be really fantastic. It's a fantasy I've had for years. I'm pretty new to playing in public so I'm a little nervous to have an audience but I've gotten more comfortable with a little of stuff recently. I think it'll go well.

Tomorrow's going to be super busy. I have a composting class, a wedding and then a get together. Oh and a job interview! Which is awesome. I really really really need a job! Like, yesterday. So, keep your fingers crossed for me! I've applied to an insane amount of stuff. There are so many people looking right now. One of the strip clubs nearby is hiring and I had a moment of ...maybe? and then....Nopes. Besides, I'm trying to find daytime hours.

I've been doing lots and lots of yoga and that feels good. I'm starting to be able to flow in my movement and refine poses. I'm finding more control with the breath and my focus. I really love having this unlimited pass right now.
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  #40  
Old 05-25-2011, 05:04 AM
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Oh, I have been so giddy lately.

I think I'm really falling for the Nurse. I can't decide whether that's good or bad. On one hand, I'm enjoying all the elated, silly feelings I have. But, he's about a month out of a breakup and as of yet, we haven't actually talked about being more than play partners. So I don't want to be presumptuous. He's definitely not close at all to being over his ex.

On the other hand, I've been sleeping over at his house and cuddling all night, a few nights week, for the last couple of weeks. He'll do sweet things like hold my hand while we're sleeping or kiss me on the forehead. I feel like he may be interested in going further with it, but with out talking to him, it's hard to know. I'm so afraid that he's just using me as some one to cheer him up while he's got a broken heart. Or that maybe I'm reading too much into it. For some reason, I'm really nervous to ask. I guess, I'm really enjoying just hanging out and don't want to some how mess it up. Or that he'll think I'm silly for liking him as more than a play partner.

But I think I really, really like him. I didn't expect to. I was on the phone with one of my best friends and I finally admitted that I was totally smitten after I started rambling nonsensically about him. She was like, you're doing that thing, where you talk and you're really happy but you're not making any sense.

Recently, he and sinclair did a scene with me. It was pretty awesome. I haven't been able to get it out of my head and I definitely still have the bruises. It was my first public scene and I got the most amazing endorphin rush afterwards.

And there's a girlie I'm considering! We're meeting for coffee soon. She's pretty young and in the kink scene. She's got a boyfriend and I think that we're just considering play/FWB kind of stuff. She's rather adorable. Squeee! So many fun things! Hopefully I can get up the cahones to talk to the Nurse about how I feel some time soon or I might burst!
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