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  #21  
Old 04-14-2011, 01:53 PM
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Morningglory629 Morningglory629 is offline
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Default Change, Motivation, Negotiation- applying business concepts to a relationship

Throughout periods of change, which is just about all the time people need to concentrate on going from change avoidance to change acceptance. Stages of change:

◦Denial — cannot foresee any major changes
◦Anger- at others for what they're putting me through
◦Bargaining — work out solutions, keep everyone happy
◦Depression — is it worth it? doubt, need support
◦Acceptance — the reality

The first reaction to change is often to resist it. People get comfortable living as they always have. This comfort provides them with the security that they are the masters of their domain. Some of the things that cause them to fear change include a dislike of a disruption in their lives, looking like a fool by not being able to adapt, sometimes the business of the relationship gets harder, and as always there is a fear of losing control.

So how do loved ones help the process. By changing the questions of resistance into questions/statements of acceptance:

From “Why?” to “What new opportunities will this provide?”
When a doubter asks “why,” focus on the benefits that the change will provide them in their relationship. Do NOT feel uncomfortable if you are feeling hesitation about the change too...you are also human.

From “How will this affect me?” to “What problems will this solve?”
Anything that prevents something from being better is a problem. So identify problems and be part of the solution.

From “We never did it/planned it this way.” to “What could this new dynamic look like?”
Compassion and honest sharing. Demonstrate sustained effort in getting all the possibilities out.

From “When will this change be over so we can get back to normal?” to “What can I do to help?”
Get involved, don't disconnect or expect change to implement itself. Again be part of the process.

The art of negotiation and changing ideas...made popular by The Beatles

http://youtu.be/wX72p1gcEVM

Try to see it my way,
Do I have to keep on talking till I can't go on?
While you see it your way,
Run the risk of knowing that our love may soon be gone.


We can work it out,
We can work it out.


Think of what you're saying.
You can get it wrong and still you think that it's all right.
Think of what I'm saying,
We can work it out and get it straight, or say good night.

We can work it out,
We can work it out.

Life is very short, and there's no time
For fussing and fighting, my friend.
I have always thought that it's a crime,
So I will ask you once again.

Try to see it my way,
Only time will tell if I am right or I am wrong.
While you see it your way
There's a chance that we might fall apart before too long.

We can work it out,
We can work it out.

Life is very short, and there's no time
For fussing and fighting, my friend.
I have always thought that it's a crime,
So I will ask you once again.

Try to see it my way,
Only time will tell if I am right or I am wrong.
While you see it your way
There's a chance that we might fall apart before too long.

Chorus:
We can work it out,
We can work it out.
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  #22  
Old 04-15-2011, 12:59 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Morningglory629 View Post
. . . I had my granny panties on for god's sake!
LOL, funny comment. I have recently just gone through my underwear drawer and tossed out all my old granny panties and replaced every single one of them with nothing but sexy panties. I used to have sexy ones for special occasions, but decided that every day should be a special occasion and reason to feel sexy. I'm wearing fishnets under my jeans right now - for no one else but me!

Loved your posting of the Beatles lyrics, too, btw.
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Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
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  #23  
Old 04-15-2011, 01:22 AM
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Morningglory629 Morningglory629 is offline
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Default Just out of my night class and have a minute

So I came across these articles when googling Open Marriage. I am not sure if they are somewhere else on the forum links but I am posting them here. One seems to be a few years old like maybe 2007? Not sure. Anyway sparked some thoughts.
Article 1
http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationshi...arriage?page=2

Quote:
Those who practice open relationships or polyamory often say they are "hardwired" this way and that laying the ground rules for multiple relationships spares everyone hurt and disappointment. Not everyone agrees, with some therapists calling the polyamorous model a recipe for hurt, disappointment, jealousy, and breakups. On one point all agree: a "poly" relationship isn't going to work unless all partners are in favor of the arrangement.
So what does this mean for the "hardwired" person if one or more partners depending on the arrangement is not, never has been or no longer in favor of a poly situation? I mean even if one is a proponent of monogamy from the getgo how do you all of the sudden negate the value of love for anyone? By this I mean: if monogamy is how I am wired, and I am involved with, married to or otherwise in a relationship with someone of a polyamorous/non-monogamous nature, it seems I am limiting myself by 1) denying myself or my lover the ability to fulfill needs 2) devaluing love in general because it is conditional and 3) setting myself up for failure because how could I possibly be everything to any one person. (I get on my own nerves at least twice a month!)

Article 2
http://newlyweds.about.com/od/lovese...enmarriage.htm

Quote:
Arguing that about half of marriages end in divorce and many married people are online looking to have affairs, Block says that humans are not monogamous by nature. She adds that when looking at the high divorce rate, no one would accept such poor results as grades in school or performance on the job. "Why should we accept these results in our personal relationships?" she asks. That's why she challenges readers to re-consider their relationships and lifestyles and determine what works for them – and not be limited by societal norms or traditions.
This is where I am. Challenging myself. This is somewhat new. Has been really difficult at times. I have doubted myself, my own abilities to juggle everything, as well as worried about my and my partners' commitments to our relationships. I have struggled with being a secondary, stuck in a kind of limbo not knowing from day to day what kind of earthquake was about to happen in my life. I have also had to recognize my contribution to the collateral damage of the jealousy, resentment and balance issues because of a multi-partnered arrangement.

It is the most complex and emotional challenge of my life thus far.

Last edited by Morningglory629; 04-15-2011 at 01:30 AM.
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  #24  
Old 04-15-2011, 01:27 AM
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
LOL, funny comment. I have recently just gone through my underwear drawer and tossed out all my old granny panties and replaced every single one of them with nothing but sexy panties. I used to have sexy ones for special occasions, but decided that every day should be a special occasion and reason to feel sexy. I'm wearing fishnets under my jeans right now - for no one else but me!

Loved your posting of the Beatles lyrics, too, btw.
Thanks nycindie! And good point. Everyday I do deserve sexy panties...and so do the fellas! But jeez I sure do like my hanes cottons too! Fishnets I LOVE!!!! They are really sexy and comfortable which makes the whole experience of wearing them better! So I do.
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  #25  
Old 04-15-2011, 05:35 PM
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Morningglory629 Morningglory629 is offline
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Angry Fustrated!

Just no privacy! No freedom! No sustained happiness. Always interrupted. ALWAYS! Always rushed. Time, people, obligations, guilt, annoyance, tedious work, expectations! Blah, blah, blah complaints.
So friggin frustrated today.

On positive note...had a lovely lunch on a sunny day. Will hold onto that for minute!

AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH! I am so needy.
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  #26  
Old 04-15-2011, 09:51 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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If you were closer I'd say we should go do lunch.
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  #27  
Old 04-15-2011, 10:47 PM
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
If you were closer I'd say we should go do lunch.
Sounds good...maybe a tele-lunch one of these days!
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  #28  
Old 04-15-2011, 11:03 PM
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Hi MG
Just wanted you to know that I am reading and enjoying your blog even though I haven't felt I have anything much to contribute.

Keep up the good work
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  #29  
Old 04-16-2011, 01:00 AM
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Originally Posted by sage View Post
Hi MG
Just wanted you to know that I am reading and enjoying your blog even though I haven't felt I have anything much to contribute.

Keep up the good work
Hello my dear Sage!! I am not so sure it is good work. From what I am reading today it has upset KT alot, and my love is feeling the repercussions of it. I put in the background info but I wanted to keep it topical rather than completely personal to avoid some of the really unnecessary bickering. However, even the background stuff has been bothersome.
I think it is important to get some of this stuff out, and for me to be able to "talk" about this alternative way of living my life. But it isn't really worth being the cause or catalyst or just even the last straw to anymore bad days for 2Rings... or for that matter KT. So unless I can keep it somewhat soft and completely about poly topics in general rather than personal events, I am not so sure I can continue the blog. Disappointing but a compromise.
Suggestions for keeping it general but thoughtful?

Last edited by Morningglory629; 04-16-2011 at 01:03 AM.
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  #30  
Old 04-16-2011, 04:35 AM
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I know very little about 2Rings from this forum but I do feel like I have come to know something of you and Kat Tails. I will always try and be impartial because I see that you both have needs and hurts.

While I can understand that you would not want to inflame the situation with her and 2Rings I do think you need a voice too. If KT chooses to read this and is upset by it then that's her choice. I think that reigning yourself in to cause the least amount of pain is a slippery slope. It's like an artificial environment that won't be sustainable in the long term.
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