Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #121  
Old 05-21-2011, 04:04 PM
Morningglory629's Avatar
Morningglory629 Morningglory629 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: PA
Posts: 727
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by TruckerPete View Post
I thought you weren't seeing 2Rings for seven weeks while they worked on themselves?

Not criticizing, just wondering if something changed.
Yep. Slight adjustment. KT wants to get used to being around us. So while no couple-like interaction for us, just some social interaction like with the kids and friends. And no dates etc until then. So no one-on-one stuff for me right now, they need time with eachother but they both want to be sure full acceptance is part of the process. Their own couple stuff is going on and they are working on their relationship with counselling etc. My part is that KT was getting caught up in jealousy whenever he and I had sex and/or romantic dates (because of the constant fights they were living quite separate in that regard- so there was resentment for me), so he and I are foregoing that part of our relationship for a few more weeks. BTW that began May 5th so we are almost half way there for me. Their initial timeframe was six months for working on themselves as a couple and individuals- that began in January. I am hoping that happens even sooner. Who wouldn't?! So not everything is posted here in a timely fashion.
Thanks for asking. Didn't realize I was not writing chronologically which may cause confusion.

Last edited by Morningglory629; 05-21-2011 at 04:07 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #122  
Old 05-21-2011, 08:47 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 999
Default

Thanks for clearing that up! I had wondered the last couple of times I read on both of your blogs, but finally gave in and asked because I'm nosy!
Reply With Quote
  #123  
Old 05-24-2011, 06:40 PM
Morningglory629's Avatar
Morningglory629 Morningglory629 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: PA
Posts: 727
Default The weekend

Good weekend overall. A few glitches. Surprise, surprise some bickering after a couple of misunderstandings. But overall a solid first step to recovery.

It is very strange to be in a shared existence and not interfere when you think something is not right. To kind of stifle an opinion (or warning) when you see something a little off center or notice a nonverbalized discomfort. I notice little details, an expression, a sound or even the absence of them. My nature is to protect or defend or at least engage myself in solving a problem. When it is a lover I am obviously going to be vocal and participatory in the process. But when it is a lover and his SO, it seems best to sit back and let it unfold as it will. I am struggling with this to a point of not knowing what is appropriate support as a lover or a friend, and what is something I should ignore, walk by, turn away from as none of my business.

I think we are getting to a point of acceptance. I still see alot of little occurrences of jealousy, insecurity or envy. But I think I am handling it right. I believe my cautiousness is going to help in the long run. It isn't that I am not open to trust and friendship, I just do not want to make assumptions or assert everything is ok in a matter of two weeks. I don't want to rush this healing process and I felt a little uncomfortable with the speed of which changes occurred within a week. I wonder if it is real, or more a "fake it til I make it." Everything wasn't solved or even addressed in one weekend together. It is just the first step in a kind of recovery model in our personal journey together. This past weekend was about developing hope
(because there was none 11 days ago), a secure base (one base not 3 or 4 individual bases) and a sense of self in terms of individals within hinged relationships. We still need to acknowledge that work needs to be done on getting really honest with eachother, we need to better develop coping skills and end goals need to be verbalized, recognized, and steps to get there need to be not only talked about but followed through before taking the next step. There is no leap-frog in this process. We all need to get to and stand on each step. We all need to take the step and not linger too long, but we need to move more in-sync. It is hard work to get the timing right, but it could be a really beautiful dance if we all are fair and dedicated on a daily basis to it.


BTW- Roller derby bouts were quite entertaining. We joked about what our names would be. May go again soon!

Last edited by Morningglory629; 05-24-2011 at 06:43 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #124  
Old 05-30-2011, 05:35 AM
Morningglory629's Avatar
Morningglory629 Morningglory629 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: PA
Posts: 727
Default Weak, weak, weak

I caved. 4 weeks is all I could hold out.

Anyway busy week with the kids...prom and graduation! Yikes time flies by! I cannot believe I am the mother of adults!

Hubs and I are planning a trip at the end of June. Thank God. I need a break.
And will definitely need one by the END of June. Grad party coming up and jeez I am a nervous wreck about it. Planning and feeding 100+ peeps!

As far as poly...talked with some dear friends this weekend about some struggling. One who is poly and struggling with his own stuff, and one who is definitely mono but the best listener! Getting some perspective. Both advised stop worrying about making everyone else happy, really concentrate on what I am looking for for happiness. *sigh* Not sure what that is...especially since not making sure everyone else is happy often makes me unhappy. PP disease!
Reply With Quote
  #125  
Old 06-02-2011, 06:42 AM
Morningglory629's Avatar
Morningglory629 Morningglory629 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: PA
Posts: 727
Default is it me?

UGH!!!!!! It must be me! I am an idiot!

Last edited by Morningglory629; 06-02-2011 at 06:51 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #126  
Old 06-02-2011, 04:45 PM
Morningglory629's Avatar
Morningglory629 Morningglory629 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: PA
Posts: 727
Default Love Language today

Test Results:

Percent Language Score
37% Words of Affirmation 11
23% Quality Time 7
7% Receiving Gifts 2
3% Acts of Service 1
30% Physical Touch 9
Reply With Quote
  #127  
Old 06-03-2011, 12:51 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,423
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Morningglory629 View Post
UGH!!!!!! It must be me! I am an idiot!
Ah, I just knew you were going to edit your original message (I was up & reading the board in the wee hours myself). You mentioned having some expectations about being in contact? I hope you're not so down on yourself now as you were when you first wrote it. We shouldn't blame ourselves and think we've been idiotic just because we have hopes about other people and how they will behave. Easier said than done, I know, but I do hope your day got better!
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
Reply With Quote
  #128  
Old 06-03-2011, 02:21 AM
Morningglory629's Avatar
Morningglory629 Morningglory629 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: PA
Posts: 727
Default

I know I am so bad about editing. I get all these feelings out and then I regret something, or think well that was a bit too much info, and I edit. But yes, the gist of the post is that I am truly struggling with expectations- I have them and some are probably a bit too high. However, I think I hold myself to those expectations and my struggle is in letting go of the expectations for others or at least not setting the bar so high.
I was reading in a couple of threads about different expectations we place on our lovers...all talking about different kinds of expectations. So it seems to be a theme this week.
I do think I can be too demanding and my EXCUSE is it's because I work so hard, and go above and beyond for my loves. It isnt helpful to put too much pressure on things I can't control, it isn't healthy to even want to control it. I am working on giving up the need to place expectations on every aspect of my relationship. It is what it is sometimes. One of these days I will get that.
Thank you NYCI.

Last edited by Morningglory629; 06-03-2011 at 11:30 AM. Reason: Grammatical/typos. UGH!
Reply With Quote
  #129  
Old 06-03-2011, 04:50 AM
Derbylicious's Avatar
Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Victoria BC
Posts: 1,603
Default

Have you talked about your expectations with 2R? It could be that he doesn't realize how important these things are to you and how you feel when your expectations aren't met. Even if you have told him do you think he's really heard you?
__________________
Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok it's not the end.
Reply With Quote
  #130  
Old 06-03-2011, 05:19 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,423
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
Have you talked about your expectations with 2R? It could be that he doesn't realize how important these things are to you and how you feel when your expectations aren't met. Even if you have told him do you think he's really heard you?
Hmm, Derby, does telling people your expectations of them automatically mean they will change and strive to meet them for you? No. Sometimes I think it's better to sit with what's going on in our heads for a while and deconstruct those expectations rather than verbalize them and lay the responsibility on another person. And perhaps that is one of the benefits of the "distance" MG is now experiencing with 2R - some space and an opportunity for self-examination. Oh gosh, I know it's uncomfortable to do, but I've found it very freeing to first work through my shit, which gives me a clearer head to then express what's going on with me without [angry/frustrated/upset, etc.] energy attached to it. And most of the time I find it isn't even necessary to talk about my expectations with that person, 'cause I've worked it out. After all, it all starts with me.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 06-03-2011 at 05:32 AM.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
metamours, secondary

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 10:43 AM.