Scared Monogamous Newbie

[distraughtinNJ]

Hi, I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for a while now. He says he is poly. I am bitter and angry over it. I do not like his wife and I can't come to terms with this situation. How does a monogamous person fit into this? I really love this man.

[MonoVCPHG]

Welcome and sorry for your troubles.

First off, did he tell you up front he was married and poly before you became involved? If you didn't know, he isn't the greatest at poly and basically had an affair with you.

Secondly..if you don't get along with his wife your level of relationship will be defined by that and probably limited. You can read my posts as I am in a similar relationship as far as the structure goes.

Hope you find some insight..I wish I had more time. Sorry for the short answer.

Keep smiling

[distraughtinNJ]

No, we was leaving her in the beginning. Started to go to therapy to straighten this all out and realized he is Poly. I feel like I am in hiding because I am ashamed to tell anyone that I am dating and loving him and he is dating and loving me and staying with his wife.

[River]

Originally Posted by distraughtinNJ

Hi, I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for a while now. He says he is poly. I am bitter and angry over it. I do not like his wife and I can't come to terms with this situation. How does a monogamous person fit into this? I really love this man.

I don't feel like I have enough details to really understand your situation well enough to offer suggestions. "A while now" is too vague. You love him but really don't like his wife, which makes me really wonder what's going on there, but provides me nothing much to go on. You say you "can't come to terms with the situation," but aren't clear about WHY you can't. I think most of us reading this will want to know a good deal more detail about your situation before offering suggestions. What, in specifics and details, is troubling you? Do you want him to leave his wife and live monogamously with you? Is his wife aware of your relationship? Are you friends or lovers with this man? We don't know, yet.

[distraughtinNJ]

Sorry, I am very scared about this whole thing. Yes, his wife knows about it from day 1. She says she is ok with it. He spends one night with her and alternating night with me. I love to be with him and do things with him. I do love him but also feel that he is not going to be monogamous with me then I am not enough for him or........I don't know. I hate being invited to a party out to dinner and he doesn't go with me because it is not my turn. I know one of my biggest problems is that I am worried about what everyone (friends, strangers, family) will think I am involved in this.

[River]

Originally Posted by distraughtinNJ

I do love him but also feel that he is not going to be monogamous with me then I am not enough for him or........I don't know.

All of the further details help us a lot to offer informed suggestions. Thanks!

First item: I feel (and think) that you need to spend some time exploring your enculturation in the popular conception of what love is. Apparently, up to now, you've simply lived with the "default conception" of love, which is the common assumption that loving more than one person means there's less love going on, and anything other than the dyadic model of love ("Just the two of us") amounts to "cheating. Period, end of story". Polyamorists don't buy into this myth of love, and most of us actually know that it is simply FALSE. It is perfectly possible for a person to love two or more people fully at the same time. That's a fact, and you have to discover whether or not you can accept such love into your life. That said, not all people claiming to be "polyamorous" are capable of loving two or more people, fully, at the same time. So you have to find out whether you think your partner is one of those, and can do that with you.

I know one of my biggest problems is that I am worried about what everyone (friends, strangers, family) will think I am involved in this.

As a man who has had only two long term love relationships, both with men, I'm quite familiar with the challenge of which you speak -- since same-sex love is another variety of love which many people don't understand or approve of. That said, I'd encourage you to have courage... and to worry less about other people's ignorant presumptions of superiority, etc. Find the couragious tiger in yourself, I'd say. Be strong. Don't let other people's ignorance dictate your options in life. It's YOUR life, afer all, which you must live.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by JRiverMartin

That said, not all people claiming to be "polyamorous" are capable of loving two or more people, fully, at the same time. So you have to find out whether you think your partner is one of those, and can do that with you.

Be strong. Don't let other people's ignorance dictate your options in life. It's YOUR life, afer all, which you must live.

Great words, JRM.

If I listened to many of my mono friends I wouldn't be in the incredibly loving relationship I have with Redpepper. How sad would it be if I let others decide how and who I love. That doesn't mean it isn't costing me a few friendships, but my own life is worth it

Definitely figure out his heart and intentions before opening up more within yourself and with others. Take a deep look into your own heart as well.

[distraughtinNJ]

Thank you. If any other mongamous people out there are involved in a Polyamorous relationship would please share you coping strategies I would really appreciate it. I do not want to lose him. I connected with HIM and want to have a relationship with HIM. I did not sign on to have to have share him with his wife.

[River]

Originally Posted by distraughtinNJ

I did not sign on to have to have share him with his wife.

Um. Are you sure of that? Because it looks to me, from what you've said, that this is pretty much what is on offering.

[distraughtinNJ]

Yes it is what is on offering and I am having a hard time dealing with that.