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  #41  
Old 04-01-2011, 11:54 PM
pheonixaise pheonixaise is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Wow, what they said, plus-- you 2 have only been together 2 years, and have a 9 month old. So she got pregnant 6 months into your relationship. And dated the whole time as well, while in NRE with you, and also while pregnant?

And your best friend? Just got his rocks off when they had permission from you for a movie date? What was *he* thinking?

If you want to protect your daughter, set some firmer boundaries... like yesterday. She mightve been hiding her tendency to self harm, people do that (I know, my daughter hid it from our family for YEARS).
Yeah, well I guess I didn't mention this, she DIDN'T date while pregnant, just intensely before and quite a bit afterwards. You have to understand, she isn't a bad person, only did the cutting thing one time before she got pregnant, and had been in a physical relationship with my friend before she got pregnant. It's a lot of backstory I thought I had mentioned (He was the same guy I sat out on the porch while she had sex with)

I don't feel like I'm being used, and I don't feel like she did any of this with an intent to harm me. I'm sorry if it came off that way.

As for firmer boundries, they have already been set. We are monogamous except for at these vacation times. It's not an issue anymore as I see it. Not until she gets to that event and then realizes she wants that all the time.
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  #42  
Old 04-01-2011, 11:58 PM
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I am not saying she is a bad person, just that her behavior is so strongly indicative of someone who needs to see a therapist or other mental health professional that it boggles the mind.

Her behavior is not healthy, and you are not helping her by downplaying that.

Having mental health problems does not make someone a bad person.
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  #43  
Old 04-02-2011, 12:08 AM
pheonixaise pheonixaise is offline
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Originally Posted by Penny View Post
I am not saying she is a bad person, just that her behavior is so strongly indicative of someone who needs to see a therapist or other mental health professional that it boggles the mind.

Her behavior is not healthy, and you are not helping her by downplaying that.

Having mental health problems does not make someone a bad person.
Well, I may mention it. She DID in fact see someone about her post-partum, but I don't know if they discussed the cutting or anything else. I'll ask her at some point here soon. I KNOW they didn't discuss the best friend thing, but still, that really was a one time temptation as far as I can see. I'm not downplaying it, I was livid, but it's been a few months, and I've tried to forgive her.
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  #44  
Old 04-02-2011, 12:30 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is online now
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Originally Posted by pheonixaise View Post
Yeah, well I guess I didn't mention this, she DIDN'T date while pregnant, just intensely before and quite a bit afterwards.
So she dated other men intensely while still in NRE with you. And then in the 9ish months since, continued, while also practicing attachment parenting and bringing your infant daughter on dates with random unsuitable guys.

hmmm...


Quote:
You have to understand, she isn't a bad person
No one is saying she is crazy or bad or that you are a bastard. Those words are coming from you. She might be neurotic and your relationship seems very confused at best. If you both have Asperger's, as you have implied, I'd say, proceed with caution in the poly world.

Quote:
As for firmer boundries, they have already been set. We are monogamous except for at these vacation times. It's not an issue anymore as I see it. Not until she gets to that event and then realizes she wants that all the time.
Well then, it's not really settled, is it?
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Last edited by Magdlyn; 04-02-2011 at 12:32 AM.
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  #45  
Old 04-02-2011, 05:11 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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we forgot one here... it sounds like you drove her to a date that was far away and sat outside while she fucked the guy?

I caught up,,, finally

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Originally Posted by pheonixaise View Post
I apologize, I don't think you or full of shit, or that you are wrong. I suppose my biggest question, stepping out of my defense and anger, is if you have been dealing with similar problems for two years, what is the point of the complexity?
I changed my mind. I am not at all like her. Similarities: Attachment parenting, lots of dates, and having a mono partner... that is where it ends.

I never went on dates with baby in tow. I didn't start dating again until my boy was three and I no longer required the boob to fall asleep at night. I never slept with men on first or second dates and only did with consent from my husband who did not take the decision lightly. It seems to me that for you a "date" means that there will be sex, is that right?

I went on many many many dates where none of the men were suitable. One man showed up with food down his never washed shirt and track pants that were also never washed. He had greasy hair and was generally unkept. He asked if I wanted to go back to his place and look at his tool collection before his landlord kicked him out. Nice catch huh.... I would NEVER EVER EVER think I was obliged to have sex with him or have sex with him because he was.... well.... there... and I was horny. I am worried about your woman there my friend. Her mental health in this is sounding rather imbalanced. I won't even go into the cutting and other stuff...

I have a mono partner too and a husband as well as two others. The furthest thing from my mind is to make their lives uncomfortable because of my notions of what I need. I have to really NEEEEEEED something in order to feel that I have to demand it. Most of the time I can either wait until they have caught up, my kid is not there, the person I want to be with is appropriate and desirable, treats me well and knows my loves already. I have waited years and been patient and have made sure that EVERY moment has come at the right time... with all my ducks in a row. I wonder if your partner has ever considered this rather than the rash decisions she seems to be making... (check this thread for some ideas on how to create a poly foundation that is sustainable http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2755)

Has she had any consideration for you in this? I don't see how she is not using you. Others have said this too I realize, its just that I don't hear any moment where she has acted with you in mind. I know you think she is a good mother, but to bring a child on a fuck date is not keeping her child in mind. Is she going to carry that on when the child is older?

I will give you my opinion again, in hopes that this time you will consider what I say rather than blow me off. I suggest that you re-read what I wrote before as some of it still stands. Especially the part about dividing time. I hear that you work and are a student... my example was just that, an example. You know what times work better.

You really haven't been together long and most of that time has been with child. I would wonder how much you really know each other. I still think that at least one date with her a week and one date night for her is appropriate for a family just starting out... the rest of the time is taken up. I get that. You haven't mentioned the time you spend with her romantically. This is important to your connection with her. I have heard nothing of that in what you say. You might be Aspy (sp?) but she isn't, she likely needs to connect with you. It seems so if she is out constantly looking for that and trying to find it by fucking all her dates....

Oh ya, dates. Dates are not meant to necessarily be about sex. First dates are generally for discovering if you like someone, second ones generally for getting to know them more and perhaps an intro to other partners. Third dates are mostly for after an intro to other partners and then for sex.... all generally speaking of course, but she is going from zero to a hundred miles an hour without considering anyone but herself. You can have a voice about that, yet you seem kind of nonchalant.

You don't seem to get that there is something not healthy about her sex life and attachment to these men she meets that seem to treat her badly... I wonder if you decided to put your foot down if you would find she has some relief in that she can rely on you to be some what of a guardian for a behaviour that is almost obsessive at this point.

A lot of people have had major concerns here and have given you lots to think about, I hope you are getting something from that. I too agree that hearing her side would be helpful. It's all very well to speculate what might be going on for her, but really we will never know until she decides to tell us as you are not her and have your own take on what has transpired.
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  #46  
Old 04-02-2011, 02:36 PM
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Although my educational background is in psychology, it is not in clinical psych, and no qualified therapist would attempt a diagnosis based only on second-hand information. That being said, your wife sounds uncannily like a textbook case of histrionic personality disorder. I suggest you look that term up if you are unfamiliar with it as it may give you some insight.

I am very concerned for both the long term welfare of your daughter. Please take seriously the reactions you are getting here from us. We are sex-friendly, open-minded, and tolerant of lifestyles that would be rejected by the bulk of mainstream society. We have no reason to attack you or your fiancee.

Please don't dismiss our concern.

My husband says you should take your daughter and run because this woman will destroy your life and screw up your kid. He is horrified.

I would not go so far as to say that, though I am not sure if this is because I believe you would reject such advice and react by closing your mind to the warnings here, or if it is because I am less pessimistic. I am leaning toward the former.
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  #47  
Old 04-02-2011, 04:40 PM
pheonixaise pheonixaise is offline
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I appreciate everyone's advice here, and would just like to say two things.

A. She does not sleep with everyone she goes on a date with. But it has been established that if she does, it isn't my business to tell her she can't.

B. I will seriously consider asking her to see a counselor, and will take everyone's opinions into account.
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  #48  
Old 04-03-2011, 09:12 AM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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A good thing!

How old are you people? Not that chronological age always lines up perfectly with emotional maturity, but your girl seems a bit... childish, if that is an English word. And it would make a world of difference whether she is 20 or 30 years old in exhibiting these behaviors and reactions. She might be having a personality and/or mood disorder, or she might just be very very young. Whatever it is, I think you are taking the right steps in stopping the dating and seeking out help for her.

And yes, pets/additional foster children are a bit hazardous at this point, after reading the full back story. Trust TruckerPete; bringing in more live beings to be taken care of will just mean more work for you.

What your fiancee is lacking in her life and what she is trying desperately to find is not more love; it's more self-love.
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