I believe my brain is breaking.

[pheonixaise]

Ok, so I debated for a long time writing on this forum and seeking help, but I have found myself in a jam I cannot seem to solve on my own.

My name is Dane, and I'm in a somewhat poly relationship. When I met my fiancee, I was single and living a completely monogamous lifestyle. I never had any interest in poly whatsoever, and have a very apathetic view on sex in particular.

My fiancee, however, was very sexual when I met her. She had been in several monogamous relationships, and had been fine in them (mild cheating aside), but reached the conclusion thanks to one man that she was naturally polyamorous. I will not argue this. She is the only person I've ever met who literally feels compersion in almost every situation she is faced with.

She also seems to form connections based on a single positive attribute of a person. She doesn't seem to need more than one good thing, be it physical attractiveness (though she has a very hard time without this) new ways of thinking, emotional receptiveness, or anything else one may take to be a broad positive trait in order to form a connection.

At this point I must add that she seems to thrive on, and is almost addicted to NRE. Who wouldn't be, right? Once mutuality is established, it's like an emotional, sexual, and hormonal rollercoaster that is beyond contestation.

Here is the catch. I love this woman more than anything. I am naturally monogamous. I could spend my whole life with one woman and be very happy, and am not only hesitant to make new connections, but actually have trouble doing so, not only because it is difficult to find the diminishing percentage of women I would be interested in (I.E. 2% of the human population interest me in general, about 50% or so of that 2% are women, and an even smaller, unquantifiable amount are women who would be willing to be poly) but also because I just don't feel the need to connect with anyone else. If I'm with another women, I literally have ALWAYS felt I would rather be doing this (whatever it may be) with my fiancee. If there is a connection I make, I view it as friendship, and feel almost no desire to take it further.

Now, we have a 9 month old child together, and that makes things complicated. For a while, she saw that her thriving on the NRE of others hurt me, and not through completely unfounded jealousy, but through errors in judgment on her part, breeches of established comfort ability and understanding of boundaries. In my mind, there is another point to be made here, that evidence of such situations in every other poly relationship I have ever been privy to has been poisonous to the mental state and mutual enjoyment of the relationship as a whole. Through seeing the former, she decided that it would be best for the both of us if we focused on our relationship, and on our baby.

Added to this was the fact that after she had the baby, her libido (which could strangle three very active men and leave them crying for help. Ever heard the old Irish drinking song "The Widow" Look it up, lol) dropped off the face of the planet, and even 9 months later, still has. I've received several pieces of advice on this, most polarized views, about how us being monogamous may be choking her libido, and a couple saying that the NRE may have just fizzled out, and that a baby will do that.

Now, all of these things taken into account, my natural monogamy, her natural poly, the baby, her libido, the jealousy in whatever way it manifests, and our life as a family, she recently told me that, to her, monogamy was like putting on a mask. She can never really be herself as long as she is thus.

Aside from the shattering connotations of this particular statement, chief among them to a monogamous man being the insecurity of the fact that, after sacrificing all of his freedoms to be with this woman as well, he is not enough for her, there is the fact that after a heated discussion about the subject, in which we were trying to find a way to make it more comfortable and better for both of us, and despite our best efforts (and you're going to have to trust me that I did everything I possibly could to be A. honest about my feelings while being B. emotionally sensitive and supportive of her needs) couldn't come up with anything that wouldn't be difficult for either me or her, she said forget it, lets just be monogamous.

So here is my problem, and what I need help on. How can I A. overcome my jealousy when it is actually founded on empirical evidence, B. believe her when she says that monogamy is the way she sees is best, C. not feel like I'm wearing the same mask if we are poly, D. find poly women who are interesting in a community where nobody wants to openly say they are poly, and E. not let this effect our daughter.

My chief concern, of course is E. I don't actually believe poly is wrong. I fully support gender-equality. I fully support development of different connections. I fully support the honesty that is completely necessary in a poly relationship. But I also fully support the definition of polyamory as it has been widely accepted. "with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved." I can't subject my daughter to the emotions I will feel while she is out with another man. Our daughter is very empathetic. When my fiancee is upset, she is upset, when I'm upset, she is also upset. So whenever I feel the jealousy, founded or no, in poly, I cannot and will not let it affect this precious little girl.

Have I simply found myself at an impasse that will destroy our relationship, or is their some reasonable, (And I can't stress this enough) NOT POLARIZED viewpoint or advice that can help me overcome this issue. Know that I am a Stoic. All things in moderation, and therefore I am not prone to the Epicurean viewpoints of "love conquers all," though I am convinced of its power and influence.

Excuse the length of this, I'm mildly freaking out about this :P

[Tonberry]

I sadly don't have any good advice at this point... It sounds like you, as a family unit, cannot be happy mono OR poly... and breaking it off doesn't seem like an option either!

One thing I don't get though... If you're mono, why are you looking for other women? It seems to me you'd only be making things worse. You don't want to be with someone else. You'd only hurt yourself and any woman you date.
You don't have to both be the same. You can be in a relationship where she is herself (poly) and you are yourself (mono).

That doesn't solve the jealousy issues, but it's not something I have any idea how to help you with, sadly. Hopefully other members will do a better job of it.

[BlackUnicorn]

Originally Posted by pheonixaise

Here is the catch. I love this woman more than anything. I am naturally monogamous. I could spend my whole life with one woman and be very happy, and am not only hesitant to make new connections, but actually have trouble doing so...

So am I reading it right that you have tried dating other women, and have found that it brings absolutely no enjoyment to you? Who made the decision for you to start trying to see other girls?

Originally Posted by pheonixaise

For a while, she saw that her thriving on the NRE of others hurt me, and not through completely unfounded jealousy, but through errors in judgment on her part, breeches of established comfort ability and understanding of boundaries.

NRE can be a bitch. Is her polystyle something of a constant dating, with frequent sexual connections with a number of very different people? I can see how that is an especially bad match for a poly/mono relationship.

Originally Posted by pheonixaise

Added to this was the fact that after she had the baby, her libido (which could strangle three very active men and leave them crying for help. Ever heard the old Irish drinking song "The Widow" Look it up, lol) dropped off the face of the planet, and even 9 months later, still has. I've received several pieces of advice on this, most polarized views, about how us being monogamous may be choking her libido, and a couple saying that the NRE may have just fizzled out, and that a baby will do that.

What does she feel is the reason behind this? Does it bother her? If she weren't in postpartum, I'd suggest reviewing the birth control you guys use, but that probably isn't it in this case.

Originally Posted by pheonixaise

Aside from the shattering connotations of this particular statement, chief among them to a monogamous man being the insecurity of the fact that, after sacrificing all of his freedoms to be with this woman as well, he is not enough for her...

Ah, it's not about being enough. These are not give and take situations. There is nothing you are doing wrong or could be doing better. This is who she is.

Originally Posted by pheonixaise

So here is my problem, and what I need help on. How can I
A. overcome my jealousy when it is actually founded on empirical evidence

Talk to her. She is an NRE junkie who forgets all about boundaries and agreements and just does what the heck she wants with whichever new partner has stricken her fancy? That's not okay.

Originally Posted by pheonixaise

B. believe her when she says that monogamy is the way she sees is best

You need to respect her enough to believe what she says is true. She might be actually saying this is what she wants to be the best thing, but that's on her, not on you.

Originally Posted by pheonixaise

C. not feel like I'm wearing the same mask if we are poly

What was the single biggest disappointment you had when she was still dating? Boundary-breaking? Is there any possible poly future which you could see working for you? A triad, a poly-fi vee, a quad, what have you.

Originally Posted by pheonixaise

D. find poly women who are interesting in a community where nobody wants to openly say they are poly

No local poly groups in your area? Internet-dating? Why do you still want to pursue other relationships if you are convinced mono is what you are?

Originally Posted by pheonixaise

E. not let this effect our daughter.

Try to time the date-nights so that you have something meaningful to do other than fret about and have somebody babysit your baby girl?

Is the real problem her being poly, or her being irresponsible poly lost in NRE?

Oh, and welcome.

[pheonixaise]

Thank you for the advice guys. BlackUnicorn, I found your advice at the least comforting, that someone isn't cramming some view of "It's all on you bro" down my throat, which is all I've been getting. As for why I'm still trying to date, I must admit I'm desperately clinging to the hope that I can find someone worth dating. It's not that I don't believe that I COULD feel something for someone else, now that the NRE in our own relationship seems to have faded, but I've explored several options, and it hasn't worked. However, if I can find a way to make it work, I would like to.

Here's the thing, I honestly hope that I can find someone, because I have seen it work in other relationships. If I have someone to focus on when she is focusing on someone, even if mine is the same person while hers are varied, I will have a positive focus for what seems to be (currently) and incredibly negative situation.

Thank you for your posts guys ,they've been helpful, and if not, decidedly kind ^^ I feel I'm at least not alone now in feeling my situation is one that I should legitimately be worried about.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by pheonixaise

I . . . have a very apathetic view on sex in particular.

Curious - what does this mean, exactly?

Originally Posted by pheonixaise

Now, we have a 9 month old child together, and that makes things complicated. For a while, she saw that her thriving on the NRE of others hurt me, and not through completely unfounded jealousy, but through errors in judgment on her part, breeches of established comfort ability and understanding of boundaries. In my mind, there is another point to be made here, that evidence of such situations in every other poly relationship I have ever been privy to has been poisonous to the mental state and mutual enjoyment of the relationship as a whole. Through seeing the former, she decided that it would be best for the both of us if we focused on our relationship, and on our baby.

That would seem prudent, considering that you both have not been successful in managing boundaries. It would seem better communication would help?

Originally Posted by pheonixaise

. . . my natural monogamy, her natural poly, the baby, her libido, the jealousy in whatever way it manifests, and our life as a family, she recently told me that, to her, monogamy was like putting on a mask. She can never really be herself as long as she is thus.

Hmm . . . wondering if she's possibly experiencing post-partum depression?

Also wondering how her diminished libido relates to your apathy toward sex?

Originally Posted by pheonixaise

Aside from the shattering connotations of this particular statement . . .

I don't know why it is shattering, considering it's not totally out of the blue. You discussed polyamory and know it's something she desired. So... it being "shattering" to you surprises me.

Originally Posted by pheonixaise

. . . to a monogamous man being the insecurity of the fact that, after sacrificing all of his freedoms to be with this woman as well, he is not enough for her . . .

This is a frequent misunderstanding. Her needing to be polyamorous in her relationships does not mean you are "not enough." Everyone has a range of needs and one person cannot fulfill them all for another. It is simply unreasonable and dangerous to think so. That is why mono people also have friends and family to call on, and poly people have additional lovers. I am sure you fulfill every need she has from YOU, but not every need she has.

Originally Posted by pheonixaise

I can't subject my daughter to the emotions I will feel while she is out with another man. Our daughter is very empathetic. When my fiancee is upset, she is upset, when I'm upset, she is also upset. So whenever I feel the jealousy, founded or no, in poly, I cannot and will not let it affect this precious little girl.

Oh, geez, you cannot protect and insulate a child from every negative emotion out there. Children thrive when they are able to meet and deal with challenges. Not saying you should be insensitive to emotions she is faced with, but living a lie and denying your feelings or trying to eradicate them without dealing with them will do your daughter no good. Sometimes you can't be logical in dealing with life. It would be like keeping her "locked away" as if she was Rapunzel and she would become soft and spoiled and unable to face difficult things in life. The best example you can set is to be able to meet the challenges you face, experience your feelings, and handle them.

[redpepper]

I am interested to know what "its all up to you" means from people you have talked to about this.. what is all up to you?

She has a 9 month old. I didn't get horny again until my boy was three. Now he is seven and I have sex pretty much daily. If anything it increased. Results may vary.

NRE junkies are a difficult lot. I would wonder if there is more behind this than is evident. Has she looked into what is going on for her? Done some work on herself? Poly is not about dating man after man after man usually, with consent from a more permanent partner. That is more of an open relationship. I don't know too much about that actually. It isn't poly to me and I know quite a bit about that. To me there is something concerning about dating a whole bunch of guys with the intent to just have NRE with them. It seems unfair to them somehow. Deceitful and disrespectful. Is she aware that she does this? Or is there some kind of goal here?

If I were you I would set up a schedule whereby she goes out one night or two out of the week, and you go out one night or two of the week and then the two of you go out together one or two nights of the week. The rest is family time... of course numbers may vary, but the idea is that there is a consistent routine to follow.

It should be easy if you have a baby to adjust to this as babies are all about routine. In this way you can do what you want to do in life and so can she. She chooses to go on dates, and you may choose to join a bowling league or something. It's up to you. The point is to not sit around at home thinking about this and to get about the business of having an active life.

My husband decided to better himself and he has... I have been with my boyfriend for two years and he now lives with us. The best thing that my husband did for himself and all of us, was to go and figure out what he wants out of life, rather than believing he had to be with me all the time and waiting for me all the time. We raise our boy to be independent also. He thinks independently and we have taught him to talk for himself about his needs. He is a strong independent thinker that knows what he wants (of course his age is a part of that two ) Good lesson for a kid I think, better than the one he was being taught which is that men should stay at home and mope while their partners are out living life. He is learning something very valuable in our poly family... belonging, yet being independent.

Please don't find a girlfriend. Bringing some unsuspecting person into a relationship that isn't functioning well is unfair and cruel. She may fall for you and then have to deal with all the issues that you come along with. I suggest sorting it all out first and then, if you are interested, find another love. It could just be that once you have figured this out you are single or so much on your game with your partner that it is not necessary to work it all out. If you are in fact mono that is

I would suggest doing a tag search on here for "lessons" and "foundations" They are excellent threads under those tags for people that are new to all this and struggling to figure out their groove. Lots of advice from seasoned veterans... or people that have their shit together more than others.

[pheonixaise]

Originally Posted by redpepper

I am interested to know what "its all up to you" means from people you have talked to about this.. what is all up to you?

"It's all up to me" means that this is who she is at her core, and no matter how unfair it is (Because we all know it's easier for a woman to find a date than a man on a generalized basis, especially when the woman in, by all accounts, a remarkably attractive woman) and how wrong it may seem to me, no matter how much it hurts me, I need to be ok with her doing these things, because she's poly. However, I'm monogamous, that has to count for something. Being poly for me is as difficult as being monogamous is for her.

Originally Posted by redpepper

She has a 9 month old. I didn't get horny again until my boy was three. Now he is seven and I have sex pretty much daily. If anything it increased. Results may vary.

I understand, but she is horny again. For other men, and isn't spending much of that energy (I say much because we've had sex about 4 times in 9 months) on me. And when she does, it's an appeasement so she can go out with someone else.

Originally Posted by redpepper

NRE junkies are a difficult lot. I would wonder if there is more behind this than is evident. Has she looked into what is going on for her? Done some work on herself? Poly is not about dating man after man after man usually, with consent from a more permanent partner. That is more of an open relationship. I don't know too much about that actually. It isn't poly to me and I know quite a bit about that. To me there is something concerning about dating a whole bunch of guys with the intent to just have NRE with them. It seems unfair to them somehow. Deceitful and disrespectful. Is she aware that she does this? Or is there some kind of goal here?

It's not like she goes in with the intention of leaving just as quickly. She goes in, has her fun, the phenethyleomines (sp?) wear off, and she realizes they are a drunk, or they don't respect her, or they think she's a piece of meat, or they're dumb as a brick, or they think she's property. It's not like she goes in just for the NRE knowingly. She really thinks she's going to make a connection. Of all the things she is, deceitful isn't one of them. Disrespectful on the other hand, maybe. She is a kind and caring person, who honestly wants others to be happy.

Originally Posted by redpepper

If I were you I would set up a schedule whereby she goes out one night or two out of the week, and you go out one night or two of the week and then the two of you go out together one or two nights of the week. The rest is family time... of course numbers may vary, but the idea is that there is a consistent routine to follow.

It should be easy if you have a baby to adjust to this as babies are all about routine. In this way you can do what you want to do in life and so can she. She chooses to go on dates, and you may choose to join a bowling league or something. It's up to you. The point is to not sit around at home thinking about this and to get about the business of having an active life.

Well, that poses a problem. A. I work nearly full time, and go to school full time. I also have a child. I don't have that free time. My fiancee however, is a stay at home mom and has all the free time she can ask for. A schedule is almost null and void. I'm afraid I'm just not willing to provide for someone who is only there 5 nights a week when I get home, and then I have to watch the baby on my own, after a 12 hour day the other two nights.

Originally Posted by redpepper

My husband decided to better himself and he has... I have been with my boyfriend for two years and he now lives with us. The best thing that my husband did for himself and all of us, was to go and figure out what he wants out of life, rather than believing he had to be with me all the time and waiting for me all the time. We raise our boy to be independent also. He thinks independently and we have taught him to talk for himself about his needs. He is a strong independent thinker that knows what he wants (of course his age is a part of that two ) Good lesson for a kid I think, better than the one he was being taught which is that men should stay at home and mope while their partners are out living life. He is learning something very valuable in our poly family... belonging, yet being independent.

Right, now here is where my polarized view statement comes into play. I'm afraid I don't quite subscribe to the "bettering" statement. Your husband may be an exception to the data I have collected, but rarely do I see a matriarchal poly family where the husband isn't secretly wishing it wasn't necessary. Also, I fully understand finding out what I want out of life. I've already done so. As little drama as possible. I want to live a life where I can play music, come home to my family after a hard days work, play with my kids, and not have to worry about other people's drama. However, with poly comes complications in this regard. Every time she meets a new guy, whoosh, it's like a whirlwind. It's all she wants to talk about. And guess who is there to pick up the pieces when it fails? Me. I'm the one who tells her, "You know, this guy talks quite crassly about you behind your back," or "He doesn't let you speak, I have to tell him you have something to say before he wipes the 'quite, the adults are speaking' look off his face" and then when it all comes crashing down, I'm the one who holds her up.

Originally Posted by redpepper

Please don't find a girlfriend. Bringing some unsuspecting person into a relationship that isn't functioning well is unfair and cruel. She may fall for you and then have to deal with all the issues that you come along with. I suggest sorting it all out first and then, if you are interested, find another love. It could just be that once you have figured this out you are single or so much on your game with your partner that it is not necessary to work it all out. If you are in fact mono that is

This is fairly decent advice. However, what is the point of being poly if it is just to have your partner do things that hurt you, with no benefit to yourself. There would be literally no benefit to me if I don't date as well. The small chance I could find a girlfriend is the only thing that keeps me optimistic about the whole situation. If I'm supposed to figure this out before I find a girlfriend, then it almost seems a parasitic lifestyle.

I must say this, excuse me if that seemed rude, I promise I meant no disrespect. I'm just a little touchy on some subjects, especially that particular one.

[pheonixaise]

Originally Posted by nycindie

Curious - what does this mean, exactly?

This means that I have had 12 sexual partners in my life. With 11 of them, I was never sexually gratified. I don't feel sex as a need. I enjoy it with my fiancee (the only person I've ever enjoyed it with) as she was the first person to show me that it an, in fact, be enjoyable. I don't masturbate (not because I believe it's wrong, I'm all for it! Promotes good health, better concentration in school, better mood, all positives! I just don't feel the need to myself, so I don't)

Originally Posted by nycindie

That would seem prudent, considering that you both have not been successful in managing boundaries. It would seem better communication would help?

Better communication I feel is an umbrella term. Yes, if you communicate better, problems, will in fact, be resolved quicker. Simply saying "communicate better" doesn't help anything, it simply seems to me a catch-all that will help you, but the same goes for every problem dealing with interaction between two humans.

Originally Posted by nycindie

Hmm . . . wondering if she's possibly experiencing post-partum depression?

She did go through some sever post-partum, poor thing. We're working on that quite hard. We've taken to hobbies that she used to absolutely love before the baby, but hasn't had time since, such as painting, camping, SCA, chainmail, and other such activities. It is helping.

Originally Posted by nycindie

Also wondering how her diminished libido relates to your apathy toward sex?

As I said, I don't feel it as a need. It still bothers me when she talks about, and pursues other men in that regard, and doesn't spend what little libido she has on me. Ever heard Sublime, Summertime? First verse. I don't dislike sex, especially not with her, and I'm very patient. But we ARE the "married" couple, and from everything I've ever read on this subject, it is her responsibility to make sure needs are met with her primary partner before spending such energy on tertiary partners.

So apathy may be the wrong word. Patient indifference may be a better way to put it. I don't pursue it actively, but I still want it.

Originally Posted by nycindie

I don't know why it is shattering, considering it's not totally out of the blue. You discussed polyamory and know it's something she desired. So... it being "shattering" to you surprises me.

Well, that's interesting. She told me when she got pregnant, that she had had too many negative experiences in poly, and that when the chips were down, I was the only one who stood up and helped. She told me she wanted to be monogamous, and that we would discuss rare and infrequent temptations on her part. The shattering portion comes from this poly lifestyle being thrown back at me full force, and shattering the fragile window that separates the two completely. How could I ever be monogamous now with her, even if it is "what she wanted" without feeling like she's lying to me, and how can I be poly with her when it hurts me? Things were well in monogamy. She never cheated on me. She occasionally met someone, we talked about it, and sometimes even determined it was a temptation worth exploring. However, now that stability is gone. And to my mind, can never be returned.

Originally Posted by nycindie

This is a frequent misunderstanding. Her needing to be polyamorous in her relationships does not mean you are "not enough." Everyone has a range of needs and one person cannot fulfill them all for another. It is simply unreasonable and dangerous to think so. That is why mono people also have friends and family to call on, and poly people have additional lovers. I am sure you fulfill every need she has from YOU, but not every need she has.

Sure, the needs of a place to stay, the needs of someone to help raise our child, the need of a shoulder to cry on. I know I fulfill those needs adequately. No vacation boyfriend need do such things. I know I can never be more than one person, and that alone is enough to know that I am not enough. However, it doesn't matter terribly whether feeling of not being enough is founded on reason or insecurity. It exists, and reason, exploration, or reassurance can never remove it. Only smother it until it is a nagging whisper in the back of your head.

As for lovers and friends, that's right. I don't need someone to be a lover to develop a connection with them. If I seek a new connection, I make a friend. I understand that's not how her mind works though.

Originally Posted by nycindie

Oh, geez, you cannot protect and insulate a child from every negative emotion out there. Children thrive when they are able to meet and deal with challenges. Not saying you should be insensitive to emotions she is faced with, but living a lie and denying your feelings or trying to eradicate them without dealing with them will do your daughter no good. Sometimes you can't be logical in dealing with life. It would be like keeping her "locked away" as if she was Rapunzel and she would become soft and spoiled and unable to face difficult things in life. The best example you can set is to be able to meet the challenges you face, experience your feelings, and handle them.

Hmm. Interesting perspective. Must admit, I've been down the same road of thought a hundred times. She will know challenges. She will know discipline. She will know independence. She will not, however, know or be subjected to problems that are between mother and father. Problems of her own I have no doubt she will have enough of, and we will address them as they come, and provide her with the tools and experience to handle each.

As for protecting and insulating my daughter, if I can, I will protect her from every unpleasant or harmful emotion I can. Especially ones of anger towards situational events that will be perceived as against people we both care about.

As for living a lie, if I'm monogamous, what am I doing if I'm being poly?

[BlackUnicorn]

Originally Posted by pheonixaise

I understand, but she is horny again. For other men, and isn't spending much of that energy (I say much because we've had sex about 4 times in 9 months) on me. And when she does, it's an appeasement so she can go out with someone else.

Who initiates sex, or used to when sex was still happening? Do you think there might be some gender role anxiety going on here? Women are socialized into thinking that they can measure their value as feminine women through men showing sexual interest in them. If you have a great disparity in your interest in sex, she might be looking for that specific validation with other guys.

Originally Posted by pheonixaise

It's not like she goes in with the intention of leaving just as quickly. She goes in, has her fun, the phenethyleomines (sp?) wear off, and she realizes they are a drunk, or they don't respect her, or they think she's a piece of meat, or they're dumb as a brick, or they think she's property. It's not like she goes in just for the NRE knowingly. She really thinks she's going to make a connection.

Okay, encourage your wife to get on this forum. It sounds like she is doing the same mistakes over and over again, and can't quite put her finger on why she isn't succeeding. Does your wife have self-esteem issues, issues with feeling attractive, especially after the baby, or what?

Originally Posted by pheonixaise

Well, that poses a problem. A. I work nearly full time, and go to school full time. I also have a child. I don't have that free time. My fiancee however, is a stay at home mom and has all the free time she can ask for. A schedule is almost null and void. I'm afraid I'm just not willing to provide for someone who is only there 5 nights a week when I get home, and then I have to watch the baby on my own, after a 12 hour day the other two nights.

Your husband may be an exception to the data I have collected, but rarely do I see a matriarchal poly family where the husband isn't secretly wishing it wasn't necessary. Also, I fully understand finding out what I want out of life. I've already done so. As little drama as possible. I want to live a life where I can play music, come home to my family after a hard days work, play with my kids, and not have to worry about other people's drama.

By 'matriarchal' poly family do you mean a mono/poly situation where the man is mono and the woman poly? It seems that the two of you are playing out gender roles that don't really fit. You the provider, she the stay at home mum. You the strong and silent man who talks through his music, she the life of the party who makes men wish they were you. I'm just throwing out suggestions here, but I've found that the most unconventional couples can fall into highly dissatisfying traditional gender-role-playing when a child comes along.

Is your wife actively dating now? Frankly, if you want to save your marriage, I think that needs to stop now. She is miserable as are you. Focus on building a strong foundation with her, reconnecting sexually and figuring out what is causing all the drama you so despise (deep down, why is she bringing home all the wrong types?).

Originally Posted by pheonixaise

However, what is the point of being poly if it is just to have your partner do things that hurt you, with no benefit to yourself. There would be literally no benefit to me if I don't date as well. The small chance I could find a girlfriend is the only thing that keeps me optimistic about the whole situation. If I'm supposed to figure this out before I find a girlfriend, then it almost seems a parasitic lifestyle.

I get your point, but right now, are you looking for a gf from a place of anger, resentment and desire to get even with your wife, or from a serious desire and readiness to open your heart for more love in your life?

Once you and lady wife have your things sorted out, your wife has made it through her depression and you have worked over the anger you have, start looking for A STEADY BF aka SECONDARY for your wife. From the local poly community or through internet dating or whatever. Redpepper posted on another thread one woman's 'dating add' for her husband. My advice? Clean the slate now from additional distractions - stop the dating, both of you, until you know what it is that you really want.

[nycindie]

Yeah, I agree that it would be helpful if your fiancee came here and posted her side of the story. You have a good deal of anger going on, and she is being painted as somewhat of a sexual compulsive or rather inconsiderate of you. Not saying that is or isn't true, but it is only your perspective.

You two have choices in front of you. Above everything, your daughter comes first and after that you may want to examine whether or not you want to stay in this relationship at all.