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Old 05-24-2011, 01:25 PM
gwendolenthefair's Avatar
gwendolenthefair gwendolenthefair is offline
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 62

I just discovered this thread. Younglove, your story could have almost been mine. The only things that were appreciably different in my situation were that my partner and I had an 18-year age difference (I'm the older one), and that we were a couple for somewhat longer.

I heard "Oh, I can never bring you home to meet my mom as my girlfriend because you're married and older" from him more times than I care to remember. That issue really seemed to bother him, but it somehow never occurred to him that he was 28 years old, an independent adult, and that it was entirely possible that his family could have handled it just fine. I got the "I love you, but just as a friend" speech too at the end of our seven months together. I wanted more from him than that, but I knew, had always known, that I couldn't give him what he wanted, marriage and kids.

Boyfriend and I almost lost our friendship completely when he got involved with a monogamous woman who, despite telling him she supported our continued friendship as long as it wasn't sexual anymore, reportedly threw a fit if he so much as mentioned my name. He responded by being weird and distant with me, I got upset and chose to give him some space. He broke up with her after only a couple of months and that's when I found out that she had effectively made him choose between us. I also discovered he was quite depressed and working insane hours to avoid dealing with his problems. I am now trying to gently help him through that.

It's rough sometimes. I still love him. It's possible that his next monogamous girlfriend will also be threatened by our friendship and I still can't say how he might respond to that. I try to take it one day at a time. Would it be easier to just not have him in my life anymore? Probably. But I'm not the sort of person who just walks away from people I care about. I'm in it for the long haul, whatever form it takes, if I can be.

I hope that you and your former partner find a resolution that is happy for both of you.

Last edited by gwendolenthefair; 05-24-2011 at 01:28 PM.
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Old 07-21-2012, 08:42 PM
younglove younglove is offline
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 20
Default a long time has passed

I never really updated what happened here but basically I stopped making an effort and didn't talk to him anymore. If he texted me I would reply ... but I never iniated anything. He also started drifting away out of the routine of hanging out... we hardly ever saw each other. In February I met someone else who I was very intrigued by but we were just friends for a while. Still my heart and attention was definitely direct towards this new special person and the remaining thoughts of the old guy vanished. I'm still "friends" with the old guy... we've seen each other maybe three times this year. During some of the slow periods before I met the new person, he and I exchanged texts that showed we missed each other and that he realized he lost a great thing. My texts showed that I was ready to move on and find love elsewhere and that I hoped he could too. When I have seen him I have been a support to him. There still lingers some kind of chemistry that I avoid by declining his offers to just hang out at his apartment. We have gone to dinner here and there. He really wasn't good at being a friend to me... its always been that my friendship with him was far more beneficial to him than me.

The awesome thing is that I have found the most wonderful love in the new person as he and I are dating now. He is so sweet and kind and poetic and romantic and he's been communicative and understanding about my marriage and he's made an effort to be friends with my husband. He accepts that I am married and never worries about replacing MD of dating other people. I have asked him what he would do if he met someone wale and he responded by suggesting that he may be open to being poly. He stressed he doesn't want to replace me. He knows of my past experience with polyamory And how my former partner really hurt me and he is very tender with me when it comes to addressing my fears of being replaced and disrespected. It is an awesome intense love that we share for each other and I couldn't be more excited. He is worth the kind of attention and dedication that I tried to show my former... and I would do for him whatever it took to keep in my life because I know he will respect my feelings and be gentle with me shoudl we ever transition to just friends.
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kids, marriage, mono/poly, monogamy, parents

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