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  #61  
Old 07-12-2011, 09:43 PM
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JameeDee JameeDee is offline
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My mom is not one of those "old people." She is a hippie from the 70s...she's told me about sex parties, doing coke, all kinds of shit.

I just got off the phone with my step-dad. He asked what was going on. I told him to thank mom for adding a huge pile of shit to my life.

He was really great and said he supported whatever I decide. I had to cut the phone call short cuz I'm at work and crying like a fucking baby.

God Dammit!

I just want to fall off the face of the earth right now.
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  #62  
Old 07-12-2011, 09:47 PM
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Tell your mother in no uncertain terms that you appreciate her concern, but she is not to meddle in your personal business if she ever wants to see or talk to you again. And mean it.
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #63  
Old 07-12-2011, 09:52 PM
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Thumbs down

I'm getting there nycindie. Problem is, she's all I have.

I feel like I've been abandoned by everyone just when I need 'em.

Mom is pissed. Hubby is pissed. Pinky is pissed.

Guess that leaves me all alone in the corner.

what the fuck am i even fighting for now? A big fat pile of nothing!

Please excuse me...I'm just in the pits of hell right now.
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Last edited by JameeDee; 07-12-2011 at 09:53 PM. Reason: life
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  #64  
Old 07-12-2011, 10:05 PM
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JD, *hug*.

Now is a high-stress time. Try to breathe. Yes, she's your mother, and she's obviously important to you, but she'll always be your mother. You told her something which is likely foreign and very scary compared to her life expereince. (Compare her reaction to your son's to get sense of perspective.) Just remember that your mother's reaction to you is up to her, but your reaction to her is up to you.

What are the upsides and downsides of moms talking? They may conspire! Really? Didn't you say Pinky's parent like Poppa? Sounds more like Pinky's parents may be a calming influence. ("Yes, we know, and we're glad they're happy and our grandkids have three parents to raise them instead of one.") Is mom going to ground you? She's an important person to you, but you are strong and smart and capable on your own.

It sounds like you have some stressed out partners, a supportive step-dad (hello, learning to love someone new much?), supportive Pinky parents, and one mom flipped out. That's generally favorable. Just don't obsess (or try not to) over it. If you can find calm and relax, then you could help your partners find calm, too.

For right now, I'd suggest focusing on three things: Pinky, Poppa, and chill. Don't dwell on the parents. Do something that keeps your mind occupied and hands busy. If you can do something fun with Pinky and Poppa, all the better ("Let's not let my mom poop on our parade; let's go have fun.").

When I think about the whole of your story, I'm way more concerned about the children you have than the children you are. What your mom thinks is way less important than what your kids think, and it sounds like your kids think y'all kind of rock.

Go be a rockstar, baby!
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  #65  
Old 07-12-2011, 10:29 PM
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I'm really trying to find that rockstar today. She just wants to go party down and forget about everyone and everything.

Problem with us all getting together and having fun is Pinky and Poppa are now in a war. She has to apologize to him....he has to apologize to her. They are both hard headed. It's ridiculous. Why does a little fight have to turn into a war? I told them I'd take all the blame if that was the problem.

My big idea to tell mom, my bad attitude about it last night, my text to poppa caused him to get on her, my lunchtime visit....MY FAULT! OK I'll take it.

Someone whip me! I'll take anything to just get this shit over with!
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  #66  
Old 07-12-2011, 10:49 PM
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*wh-crack!*
You're a naughty girl! *spankity spank spank* Naughty, naughty, naughty! Now go to my room!

Did that help?

By all accounts, you have supportive people around you. Focus on venting the stress and get back to the love.

In some ways, your mother's reaction may feel like a rejection, and I understand that rejection has been very hard for you. She's still your mother. Give it time. You're old enough now that you can stand on your own. Breathe and let the stress go.

*hug*
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  #67  
Old 07-13-2011, 03:58 PM
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thanks, I needed that
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  #68  
Old 07-13-2011, 06:32 PM
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Default So sad

Today is not any better. Pinky returned her housekey.

I am so broken-hearted. I just wanted to legitimize our relationship. Make her feel like she was as important to me as I knew she was.

So now I feel so alone. I know my hubby is still here for me. Shouldn't that be enough?
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  #69  
Old 07-13-2011, 08:38 PM
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JD, I'm working on a reply.

Breathe, hon.

*hug*
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  #70  
Old 07-13-2011, 09:16 PM
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*comfort*

If there's one definite downside to poly life, it's the frequent drama. Let's hope that this drama is more sound and fury.

If you don't mind, I'm going to ask some questions to look into this situation. Some of this may be uncomfortable. Understand from the start that I'm asking only to help all involved find a happier place. Ok? *hug*

Previously you said Pinky and Poppa were pissed. Here's the detail I have to work with:
Quote:
Originally Posted by JameeDee View Post
[B]Pinky is mad cuz I was irritated about my mom last night and she wanted to be left alone this morning. I left her alone and vented to Poppa. Poppa is mad cuz Pinky is mad at me. He got onto her enough so they're fighting now. I get a text from her this morning that she's done. So then I had to make an emergency trip to her house on my lunch break to see WTF was going on.

OMG what a fucking mess! I feel it's all my fault for spilling the beans and adding stress to the situation. FML
If I put on the wild-eyed conjecture hat, I'll take a stab at what might be going on.

1) Pinky was upset over the drama.
2) Pinky said she wanted to be left alone.
3) You leave her alone and go to Poppa.
4) Poppa goes to Pinky to either "fix" things (it's a guy thing--most of us don't realize that some problems we should not try to fix right away), to confront her for upsetting you (who chivalrous even if misguided), or to comfort her (not realizing "leave alone meant everyone).
5) They argue.
6) Pinky texts you to say she's done (note the lack of personal contact--she's still looking for space).
7) You go to her place at lunch time (again, crowded).
8) Now Pinky is turning in her key.

[Btw: Pinky, if you're around, I'd love to hear your side of the story.]

So let's dial this back some and take the focus off Pinky...

In your description, you said you "had" to make an emergency trip on your lunch break.
A) Why did you have to? Were you asked to come over? Or was this your own impulse?
If you weren't invited, Pinky may feel that you were crowding again.
B) You said Pinky works overnight? So when you dropped in at lunch time (noonish), was that the middle of her sleep time or just before bed?
Because you said this was an emergency, I imagine there was a lot of emotion. If Pinky had worked the night before and was sleeping or had not yet had a chance to sleep, she may have been exhausted. This diminishes her ability to process and handle whatever is going on and adds extra burden to the situation. She may even register your visit as your need for comfort which can be taken as selfish.

The Recurring Theme
To me, it seems there's a pattern here. Your parents divorced when you were one, and daddy went away completely at eight. You have a stepdad, but mom seems to be more central to your self-image. (In your terms, telling mom legitimized the relationship, made it real.) You also have been through a divorce (more loss and abandonment).

So now mom hears this great news. Her daughter is happy, her son-in-law is happy, your family is bigger. But mom doesn't react with love and acceptance. Mom is caught off guard and shuns you. The one person who has always been there says negative things about you.

You (I imagine) get very upset by this. (Would emotional meltdown be the right words?) You turn to Pinky, but your emotional state is so heightened that it's more than she can process at the time. You go to Poppa, but now you're even more cranked up. He wants to make it better, but how? He goes to Pinky who's fresh off recovering from your stress, and the second wave of pressure causes a fight. So now everyone is stressed out, feels like you're under attack, and under pressure.*
[* If you've seen the show Sister Wives, there are several episodes near the end of season one where the family feels immense pressure from outsiders. It's hard on everyone when your lifestyle gets challenged.]

Comfort vs. crowding
I believe that Pinky really needed space and peace to de-pressurize. Unfortunately, I believe your de-pressurizing mechanism seems to be comfort and reassurance. So when you go to Pinky, you're crowding her space, and she's not able to comfort--the pressure for both of you goes up rather than down. You go to Poppa, and he wants to fix things, but he goes to Pinky rather than just dealing with your. Again, Pinky gets crowded, and no fixing happens.

When you go over to pinky's at lunch, now her sanctuary is invaded, and she's likely tired and not giving you the reassurance you sought. From there, Pinky decides that the only way left (since asking and retreating to her sanctuary didn't work) is to cut ties, and she returns your key.


This is an awful lot of guesswork, and only you three can tell how much is true.

The kick in the nuts is that there's likely a huge impulse to try and make things better as fast as possible. But that would be another instance of crowding. So what to do...

Here's what I suggest:
1) If I'm way off base, let us know. It's pretty obvious the folks here want fellow members to be happy and healthy. Communication is vital in poly life.
2) Regulate yourself. If your emotions are going full tilt, it's going to put everyone else on edge. Breathe. When you speak, consciously take breathes between sentences. Listen as much or more than you speak.
3) Talk to Poppa. As your husband and housemate, he's the first person who can help you reach equilibrium. Reaffirm your commitment to each other. Right now you're likely feeling lost or left behind. Work with him to deal with that before you worry about Pinky.
4) Have one or the other of you and Poppa (not both--that's teaming up and adds pressure) contact Pinky. You want a super chill, relaxed opportunity to chat. Not a "talk," just a chance to check in.
5) Work slow and rebuild.

There's a lot of damage here. It's going to take time to fix. Understand that from the start, and it'll be easier to handle. When you run into a setback, ask yourself, "Is this actually a surprise or something I could have expected?" The things you can expect should be less stressful--after all, you knew they were possible.

With Pinky, you might consider--once you are regulated and chill--the possibility of going to a park or similar for a nice summer day with all the kids. Key the focus on relaxed. Save the heavy talking for later.

For you in particular, work on trusting your love and your loved ones. We don't get a choice about who our parents are, but of billions of people, you picked Poppa and Pinky, and they picked you. You three have worked through problems before. When your mother mentioned talking to Pinky's parents, you let your fear take over. You'd already said they'd met you two and were happy with you, but you didn't trust that they'd be a rationalizing force for your mother. (When my wife got pregnant, her mother refused to believe she'd be a grandmother. For months she couldn't process it. Then one of her friends from her poker group became a grandmother, and suddenly it was ok.) Near as I can tell, you have Poppa, Pinky, a son of your own, three kids with Pinky, two parents, and a step-parent who are all supportive. That leaves one mother who was caught off guard and a very upset you. That's nine for, one surprised, and one upset. Those are pretty good numbers. Just take some time to let the math work out.

It might help if you also have a non-involved party that you can talk to. Think someone you can vent some of your pressure to so that Poppa or Pinky don't have to handle it all.

You're still a rockstar, hon. All the best bands trash a hotel room every once in a while.

*hug*
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