How did you know?

[kinkara]

hello everyone... this is my very first posting.

i used to believe there was something truly wrong with me deep inside. i always had feelings for more than one person, even as a teen i would form multiple relationships(not many sex based) . in all there was intimacy but not always sex. im still that way. i just love ppl.

for years i was confused and miserable. society tells us we should be monogomous, that we should only love one other, yet how can that be the way its meant to be? we can love more than one child, or more than one sibling, why not fiends/lovers?

i met someone a few years ago online.. and we hit it off very well.. and i broke down pone day and cried because i felt so lost.. i remember hearing him say , "honey, its not you thats messed up, theres many ppl just like you. i myself am polyamorous."

i was like huh? whats that? so he sent me a few sites to look at and i spent some time reading.. and it felt like such a hug weight had been lifted from me. i am normal... theres nothing wrong with me.. at least not where this comes in . lol.

so, i believe i always knew, i just wasnt aware there was a name for it.

[LovingRadiance]

I'm new here. But wanted to respond.
I have always known I could love more than one person at a time. When I was young it was easy and no big deal-I always had 2-3 "best friends" but at that point sex wasn't a part of my life.
When sex came into the picture things got more complicated. I've only dated one man who was ok with the idea of poly relationships (though we didn't know that word when we dated).
I have always had "someone on the side" for intimacy and most of my relationships were ok with that as long as they got the promise I wouldn't have sex with that person.
Then I got married. The man I am married to isn't agreeable to poly relationships but knows I am madly in love with him AND my best friend. It's been a nightmare for years now trying to figure out where we draw the lines etc. At first I tried to conform, but that doesn't work well and now we're "re-negotiating" our relationship.

I think some people "knew" they were different all along-but like me just didn't know that it was OK.

[rolypoly]

My first inkling was with my very first boyfriend, at 16. I loved him very much. But after six months of dating, I suddenly got this unexplained, unmistakable sense of panic about being with him. I felt trapped and suffocated. I took space from him and missed him so much. But, being with him felt so restrictive.

While on vacation, away from him, I met a bunch of cute guys and considered going out and partying with them. I didn't though, and had trouble coming to terms with my excitement about the prospect because I was such a loyal, loving girlfriend.

That dynamic returned for every relationship I had afterwards and I dreaded it. I thought there was something wrong with me, I thought I just had to work on my character. I didn't know what...

[ARod]

I'm still in the exploratory stage, so I'm not sure it counts yet, but I can say what feelings I've had, which I sort of see shared by various people here. After getting married, my wife's best friend lived with us for a few years, and something about the dynamic of different personalities living together felt so right, to the point where we wondered how well we'd do without her. She eventually left, we got divorced and I had this feeling that I still have. It would take an extraordinary person to make me feel secure enough again to be as serious as I once was. When I was dating my 2nd post divorce person, I started thinking that 2 women who are different, yet similar would fill such a need, but being monogamous my whole life, being with 2 people just didn't make sense, and I thought something was wrong with me, and still wonder about that. After dating some more, I still feel like being with 1 person would require me to sacrifice part of myself. I stumbled upon the poly term and read a bit, and realized that I'm not the only person that feels that way, and maybe this is what I was looking for all along. Now I'm trying to form something, without rushing too quickly into things. Who knows if it will work out or not, but it feels so right in my mind on so many levels. I've also felt no guilt about caring for more than 1 person, and in fact something felt quite right about it. So even if I never find my way into a loving poly relationship, at least I know how good the dynamics can possibly be, even when you take out the sex part. This feeling is something I can tell won't go away either, since it's been under the surface for a long time, but just never understood or embraced.

[Legion]

I actually don't get monos. I know there are mono peeps out there and it seems they are "hard-wired" or ingrained with the mono culture but I still just feel like... I've always felt that humans share some basic experiences and I think of love as one of them.

When I'm happy and full of love, I just want to share it with most everyone around me. Things may hold me back such as the constraints of social norms or an understanding of the people and thier particular preferences (some people's personal bubble is bigger than others) If any of those people around me reciprocate then I tend to gravitate toward them more. I actually got in trouble, well not trouble so much but found myself in what I considered a ridiculous situation the other day because I was being affectionate with another person and we were basically told to stop.

IMO poly is what happens when ppl let go of loving inhibitions and open themselves up to the love that is in thier own hearts and all around them. Not just romantic relationships but all interactions.

Maybe it's not just poly but poly, or MY definition of poly is ingrained in this as a holistic sort of approach to life.

Argh. words are failing me. ummm a little quiz/trivia/contest. Who can give me a word that means "a thing that cannot be extracted or removed from the whole." Something like "Ingrained" but an antonym.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by Legion

I actually don't get monos. .

I don't get polies..we're even!

I just accept that there are different types of people, different wiring, different aproaches to life.

I do get finding common grounds to be together and share however.

[Manno]

I always knew, but honestly, the social stigma in my former location would not let it permeate.

My wife always chalked it up to bringing other people into our lives was too complicating. Though I think both of us always were interested.

What we've realized now that we're in a more comfortable environment, is that the complication may in fact be worth it.

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by rolypoly

My first inkling was with my very first boyfriend, at 16. I loved him very much. But after six months of dating, I suddenly got this unexplained, unmistakable sense of panic about being with him. I felt trapped and suffocated. I took space from him and missed him so much. But, being with him felt so restrictive.

While on vacation, away from him, I met a bunch of cute guys and considered going out and partying with them. I didn't though, and had trouble coming to terms with my excitement about the prospect because I was such a loyal, loving girlfriend.

That dynamic returned for every relationship I had afterwards and I dreaded it. I thought there was something wrong with me, I thought I just had to work on my character. I didn't know what...

I'm with you on this one rolypoly! I too had that sinking feeling after being exclusive with someone for awhile. The rules were to constricting for me and I would become resentful and eventually had to leave... only to repeat the whole thing over again. I loved who I was with but found excuses to leave them that made sense to the outside world, but I would be dieing inside because they weren't true. I still loved them. I just had to get out!

I tried being more casual in my dating approach and dated many people and just ignored the fact that I loved them... that hurt me too because there was no depth.

It has only been since I realized I am poly that I have felt like I can at least talk about it and only since the last three years or so that I have felt that I can be okay with myself like this... it's okay to love many and it's okay to let them know that and be open about it. All of it is okay, no matter how you love... just loving is all that is required in my book

[rolypoly]

Exactly, redpepper!! Thanks for relating your experience.

I have also done the casual thing and it was painful because I really loved certain people, but hid it. And I also have done the break-up after break-up, finding something "wrong" with the person.

It's such a relief to realize one's true nature, eh?

Even my recent experiences with polyamory were mostly defined as one, primary, committed relationship and others on the side. This caused similar problems. I get sucked into expecting way too much from one person.

I really want to explore having relationships without the "anchor" of a primary. If something more serious were to develop with someone, I'm open to it. But, right now, I need to not be tied down to being the main squeeze of one person.

roly