Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 03-27-2011, 04:20 PM
dub1h's Avatar
dub1h dub1h is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 18
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by TruckerPete View Post
What happened?
tl;dr girl started dating another guy early in the relationship without prior warning (she already had feelings developing by the time I found out), didn't feel like I was actually thought about when planning her time with the two of us. Felt like I was being phased out. Jealousy/anger between the two males, etc etc...eventually I reached the breaking point and had to leave her due to lack of positive direction as a couple (and as a group--i wanted all three of us to be okay with being involved in each others' lives)
--

Started dating a girl, receive warning that she is polyamorous. I have never been in a real poly relationship, but I had done reading about it. In my mind, I believe I was thinking, "okay, well when she starts to feel like exploring additional relationships it'll be a while away, and we will work through it"

It was about 2 months into the relationship that we started seeing each other a lot more and things go more serious. Just a few weeks later, I was asking her about her plans, and she kind of reluctantly told me about the other guy she was seeing. She assured me that I was still her favorite, and we were together and she was just dating him right now. I felt safe, like I was a primary partner I guess.

but there was some great dissonance between all of us. Jealousy was popping up all the time for me. She was spending more time with him than with me, it felt. I tried to express my feelings and I said I felt like the relationship was losing direction, and it hurt to not feel like we were growing positively. I wanted to talk openly, but she wasn't able to do that with the other guy. He was more against poly than I was. I was doing reading and trying to get some help, but he wanted to just bottle up the jealousy so he could enjoy the dates they would go on.

I mean I guess it worked out..they are still together
But I tried to find solutions through talking, and she was willing to talk to me about all of it, but there was no positive growth. Each day I'd have more shit to vent out, and that's all I could do to keep sane. Emotions just grew out of control each day stronger than the previous. Had to break up with her about 2 weeks into this ordeal

I just felt like I was thrown into a difficult situation, and the only way to be comfortable was changing everything internally. I had to adapt 100% to quell my jealousy and feelings of indignation. I felt like she was there for me...but only as a person to talk to. Is it unfair to need to be met half way?

The nail in the coffin was when she went to a concert, had fun, and they didn't talk about the things that were bothering me so much. It made me feel like my hurt was not an issue to her anymore, and she wanted to go off and have fun with him instead. She justified this by saying "there's not a best time, but there definitely is a worst time". She felt she would ruin the concert, waste his money, and hurt him, if she brought up something about the relationship not working out. I guess she would have brought it up if she did in fact feel that way, huh?

(sorry for the vent, but this just kind of solidified why I broke up with her. Lately I have been imagining one day going back to her and trying to work things out but now I have to once again question whether that is even in my best interest)

Last edited by dub1h; 03-27-2011 at 04:30 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 03-27-2011, 05:03 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 999
Default don't worry

That was poly done very poorly. She didn't even tell you about the other guy from the get go. Ideally, you two would also have had a more stable relationship (i.e. Longer than two months of dating) before she even thought about bringing someone else in.

There is a good saying for poly relationships: "Go at the pace of the one struggling the most." Doesn't sound to me like this was even considered by her.

You read, tried to work things out, asked for open and honest communication, and wanted to know your metamour. Sounds like you were doing everything you could.

ETA: I get huge warning bells when I hear about a "poly" person telling a partner that they're the favourite. You have to wonder what she's saying to the other guy, whom she presumably also cares for.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 03-27-2011, 05:30 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by dub1h View Post
I think that when you break poly down, the root is in the open communication and honesty, with a willingness to compromise so that everyone is happy.
You say this like its a bad thing? Figuring out a way to have everyone be happy isn't a bad thing

Quote:
I think only emotionally distant people could ever have a poly relationship where there are no negative emotions such as jealousy or feeling left out. The relationship part comes into play when everyone is trying to handle those emotions and get back to an even keel, right?
Way... wayyyyyy in left field. Poly people feel negative and positive emotions. Emotionally distant does not even begin to describe me or my lovers, or anyone I know in poly. If anything we are more in tune with our emotions

What requires more distance, a married couple together 15 years and barely enjoying each others company... but "dealing" with that disconnect by remaining distant? Or someone with multiple lovers, with multiple potentially diverging personalities.

I would think poly is less emotionally distant. Even at a cursory glance.

Quote:
Well I think I am kind of mono in a way. When I meet a girl I really like, I am only interested in them. The other people just don't seem to interest me as much because my time is for the girl i am already with. The rest of the time I spend mostly alone because I'm sort of like that to begin with.
You just described me. I am not.. freely available poly.

Quote:
But I do see why it might be good to be poly. There's a certain level of detachment from love. It's like being in love just staring into someone's eyes and resisting the urge to walk up and hug them tightly, never letting go. It's kind of good to live that way because a lot of times, things don't last forever, or people move, life happens. Especially at a young age (thinking early 20s, college aged).
I get those urges constantly. I am far from detached from love...

Try not to project how your feel in poly with how it could be for others please.

Quote:
Sorry this is all kind of a learning experience about myself. I've learned a lot about what I really want in a relationship ever since my breakup. Poly fails when there are a lot of people thrown into the fray with zero warning, and when everyone has different expectations......
If people have expectations that aren't flexible yet. But people can walk in with different expectations and work through the relationship. Sometimes I think there is some mysterious ease of use clause in poly. If it doesn't work, move on. Relationships take work, and poly is no exception
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 03-27-2011, 05:56 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by dub1h View Post
But I do see why it might be good to be poly. There's a certain level of detachment from love. It's like being in love just staring into someone's eyes and resisting the urge to walk up and hug them tightly, never letting go. It's kind of good to live that way because a lot of times, things don't last forever, or people move, life happens. Especially at a young age (thinking early 20s, college aged).
I wonder this too some times. I wonder if people at a younger age are doing what I used to call dating in my early 20's. I see no difference really. I used to date people and not tell other people I was dating that I was seeing others. To me that isn't poly. Poly is consentual non monogamy... anything else to me is dating... all fine and well, but I wonder why the change in name these days? Its more popular? Indicates something that either you aren't or are working on...? interesting question. Thread worthy perhaps.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dub1h View Post
Started dating a girl, receive warning that she is polyamorous.
I love that you were warned....! Ha!

Quote:
Originally Posted by dub1h View Post
Just a few weeks later, I was asking her about her plans, and she kind of reluctantly told me about the other guy she was seeing. She assured me that I was still her favorite, and we were together and she was just dating him right now. I felt safe, like I was a primary partner I guess.
Why do people do that?! GAUD! fessing up and then saying "I like you better" is just bullshit. Sorry, I just would have a hard time believing that myself. If I am better, then why didn't you respect me enough to tell me what was going on for you?! hmmmm?!
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
dating, mono/poly

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 06:48 AM.