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  #41  
Old 05-12-2011, 08:16 PM
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I think a big part of G's reaction was that she's nervous about money, and I completely understand and of course share her concerns. She's calmed down and we're ok... I think she's accepted that it wasn't about me putting L above her and our family, but about my own insecurities and lack of desire to be a self-promoting douche-bag.

Some good recent developments - G has decided to start trying to get into better shape for HER, and this makes me very happy to hear. Not like she really needed to loose weight or anything, she's gorgeous and sexy as hell, but if she feels better about herself, she'll be even sexier! Plus, healthier people just feel more attractive for visceral evolutionary reasons. She's also set herself up an OKCupid profile! At first she was very hesitant to put her face out there along with that she's poly, and was extremely nervous about not getting contacted or nobody wanting her. Of course she's already gotten dozens of messages in less than a day... A few from some good-looking poly guys as well, and I'm happy to see the positive effect its had on her! Of course, I reap some of the benefits from this as well...
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  #42  
Old 05-25-2011, 12:03 AM
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Well, time for an update. I wish it were a more pleasant one.

Things with L haven't been "right" for a few weeks. Since she started seeing M, the level of physical intimacy has dropped dramatically. At first, it seemed as though there were specific circumstantial reasons for the decrease in physical contact, but it took its toll on our relationship. Apparently she has been witholding intimacy from both myself AND M. It's almost as if she can't be with either of us if she can't be with just one. I feel like we haven't been together in weeks. I finally talked with her about this. She admitted to being conflicted, and expressed frustration that both M and I expected physical intimacy with her. I told her I missed what we had, and I don't really feel like driving 2 hours to visit her and not even touch. We still love each other, but if she can't even hold my hand, kiss me, or snuggle up at night, then I'm going to continue feeling crappy about us. I told her that if she misses what we had, and wants to have it back, to let me know. In the meantime, she'll continue to see M, and we'll talk from time to time, I guess. I miss her, but I don't miss feeling close and far away at the same time. I hope she'll miss me too and things can work out, but frankly, I'm not holding my breath.

In fact, I've tried to set up some dates, but it seems every woman I end up talking to on OKC doesn't even read my profile until we're at the "setting up a date" part, and then it's, "Oh, shit, wait, you're married?" *poof* Guess they finally got round to reading the profile. Sigh.

Of course, G has no trouble getting dates, we had one with another couple on Sunday, mostly for her and the other woman to see if they're into each other. She's not into her husband, and it doesn't matter if the woman and I are into each other, there's to be no contact with us if G doesn't have contact with her husband. Feels forced to me, but I'm fine with them just having their own thing. She's got another date on Thursday with a local poly guy. I'm happy for her, and hope she has fun.
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  #43  
Old 05-28-2011, 05:21 PM
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G's date went OK - she had fun, but said that there was no "spark". She had another date just the other night, and this one was much better. I was all stoked for her (and REALLY enjoyed her coming home all charged up, that was fun), that is, until the details of the guy's arrangement became clear to me. He says he's poly, but that his wife isn't onboard yet. She had no idea he was meeting with G, and he had no intention of telling her. This was a first date, and there was no hanky-panky, but plenty of other things. I warned her that it's bad karma to enable someone to do something destructive to their marriage and personal life, she said that he'd talked to her about becoming poly, and told her that he was... but he still hasn't mentioned that he's seeing anyone. A liar is a liar. If he'll lie to his wife, he'll lie to mine. Red flags. I told her this, she got a little upset and thought I was just being jealous. Nope. Not even a little. More like, protective of her and myself, and our family. I asked her to consider telling him that his wife not being onboard is a problem, and that he really should have that conversation before they get more involved. She saw the wisdom in it, and did so, even suggesting that we all go on a double-date. His reply was that it would "take a long time for her to come around, and couldn't we see each other in the meantime"... More red flags. Habitual liar. Cheater. Plug pulled, by her hand.

In many ways, I sympathize with men in his position. He feels he cannot truly be honest or risk losing everything. In truth, his fear of honesty is what WILL cost him everything. G is feeling a little discouraged, despite the 5+ messages she gets from new guys daily OKC... She'll get over it.

Now, more about me, lest this become a blog about her...

L and I are pretty much done. I haven't heard from her in days, and I know she's still with M. She's clearly got intimacy issues, and refuses to really open up with me. She gets defensive when we try to have serious discussions, and runs away. All I can do is be here for her when she comes back, if she comes back.

In the meantime, I've been looking. Met a few lovely ladies on OKC, unfortunately plenty more of the "I really like you, but I can't deal with poly". I HAVE however had a little more luck... I've got a couple tentative dates with ladies next week. One is a local poly girl who has a boyfriend, and is really cool. I'm very much looking forward to meeting her. The other... is a 20 year old vixen who has fixated on me for some reason. She's tiny, which is not my usual type... I think she's attracted to the fact that I'm basically two of her, tattooed, etc. She sends me dirty messages on OKC, and we've had other discussion as well - she's not looking for anything terribly serious, so we may be an interesting fit. I'm willing to give it a chance. The idea of being with someone tiny is interesting too, a fairly new experience. Never been with someone LITERALLY half my size. The trouble is... she hasn't texted me yet, or called me. Just OKC messages. She says she wants to meet next week, but is she for real? Or is this just BS? Time will tell. I'm not holding my breath.
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  #44  
Old 06-02-2011, 10:06 PM
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L is messing with my head. While G and I were in Vegas, I got an email from her, saying, "i miss you." Of course I miss her too, and I'd like to still be with her, but we haven't BEEN together in a month, or more. She sucks at talking about her feelings and communicating like a grown-up without getting defensive and hurt, and lashing out because of it. I feel like if we're able to work anything out at all, it's going to take a LOT of work, and I really have no idea if she's willing to do any of that.

G is getting fed up with OKC and trying to date. Probably because the guys she's interested in, I usually react to as, "Uh, really? Why?" She interprets this as me tearing them all down, and being overly critical, and I need to work on not being so critical. I want to be supportive, and I'm working on that - I have done multiple supportive things, she's been on two dates now, I was very supportive of both, not jealous or anything at all, and even turned on a little by it. I also ask about her activity on OKC, she gets a lot of messages, but says they're all from douche-bags, lol!

I was supposed to have a date tonight, but the girl never called me last night to confirm and set a time/place. It frustrates me when people flirt online for a week straight and then disappear when it's time to meet. I'm not interested in an internet relationship. It makes me wonder if she's even a she, or if she was just stringing me along the way I've been strung along before. What possible fun could that be, seriously? Not sure if I should even send her another message.

The good news is, I DO have a date tomorrow night with a local poly-woman. She has a boyfriend, and I think that might be a good thing. It'd be nice to really be on the same page as someone I'm seeing. She's very pretty, and seems to be a decent match with me, though who knows if there will be chemistry or not. I have no particular expectation, she doesn't seem as flirty as many of the other women I talk to, but it may be different in person. Then again, she's also actually set-up a date with me, and hopefully won't be standing me up, either. Wish me luck!
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  #45  
Old 06-02-2011, 10:20 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by SvartSvensk View Post
I was supposed to have a date tonight, but the girl never called me last night to confirm and set a time/place. It frustrates me when people flirt online for a week straight and then disappear when it's time to meet. I'm not interested in an internet relationship. It makes me wonder if she's even a she, or if she was just stringing me along the way I've been strung along before. What possible fun could that be, seriously? Not sure if I should even send her another message.
A week really isn't a long time for a meetup off of an online site. I could understand cold feet that quickly.
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  #46  
Old 06-02-2011, 10:21 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Originally Posted by SvartSvensk View Post
G is getting fed up with OKC and trying to date. Probably because the guys she's interested in, I usually react to as, "Uh, really? Why?" She interprets this as me tearing them all down, and being overly critical, and I need to work on not being so critical.
Don't use "why?" it puts the other party on the defensive (as per my marriage councelor) and it does come across as you are questioning her judgement. Try something else like "Tell me about him" or "What caught your interest?"

I also have to work on the not being critical thing .
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  #47  
Old 06-02-2011, 10:37 PM
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Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
A week really isn't a long time for a meetup off of an online site. I could understand cold feet that quickly.
Huh - so most folks will talk to people for multiple weeks online before meeting them? Interesting. Seems like a big investment of time and emotion for a chance at a physical connection. I really have no idea whether I'm going to be attracted to someone until I meet them face to face - even if I've seen many pictures of them and consider them to be an attractive person. It also makes me wonder what people talk about on their first date if they already know most everything about each other... Differn't Strokes, I s'pose.

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Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
Don't use "why?" it puts the other party on the defensive (as per my marriage councelor) and it does come across as you are questioning her judgement. Try something else like "Tell me about him" or "What caught your interest?"

I also have to work on the not being critical thing .
Good call on the shifting word use and asking more specific questions thing. I'm definitely very critical about the men she's interested in, I guess I only want the best for my lady!


Thanks, both of you for the replies and advice... it really helps to just talk about this, even more so when people talk back, with good advice and everything, too!

One more thing I forgot to mention in the latest blog entry is that G is getting pissed at L because of how she's tying me in knots. Maybe I should just get them to talk to each other.
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  #48  
Old 06-03-2011, 01:10 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Personally, I wonder why you even look at the guys G's talking to on OKC beforehand. While someone might not seem her type TO YOU, he may be attractive and compatible TO HER. These are guys, ideally, whom she wants to go out with, after all, not guys she's hoping you will like, LOL. I wouldn't say you can't ask a few things about them and make sure she's safe, but don't offer any opinions or critiques. After a date or two, if she thinks she wants to continue, then I think it would be appropriate to voice a concern, if any. Just my two cents.

Also, about the 1-week thing on OKC, I also agree that a week is not long enough to get a feel for someone. I do not like having long, protracted email pals, either (I make an exception for potential LDRs where it just has to wait a while before we meet). I hate the idea of getting hopes up and then I find I'm not attracted to someone physically or there's no chemistry in person. My feeling has always been that the sooner you meet someone the better, BUT a week is just not long enough either, simply because I'm busy and don't communicate online with these peeps every day, and I want to know and confirm certain things before I make time in my schedule to actually meet someone. Plus, the whole online dating thing does kind of scare me, still, so I tend to be cautious and have actually met very few people, though I have emailed/talked with many.

I do like to see if a bit of correspondence with someone is fun. If a sense of humor comes thru in their writing, then there's a good chance they would be fun to hang with. Generally, it seems I meet people after 2 to 3 weeks, sometimes longer because of logistics and scheduling. But I'm certainly not asking them their life stories in all that time. Rather, I'm just having some nice banter and asking a few questions about what they want and to see if they meet what I want. Some people have sparse profiles, so ya gotta ask questions sometimes.
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Last edited by nycindie; 06-03-2011 at 01:18 AM.
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  #49  
Old 06-03-2011, 01:21 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by SvartSvensk View Post
Huh - so most folks will talk to people for multiple weeks online before meeting them? Interesting. Seems like a big investment of time and emotion for a chance at a physical connection. I really have no idea whether I'm going to be attracted to someone until I meet them face to face - even if I've seen many pictures of them and consider them to be an attractive person. It also makes me wonder what people talk about on their first date if they already know most everything about each other... Differn't Strokes, I s'pose.

.
Its a feeling secure thing. You are asking for a lot of trust when you meet someone offline. That quickly.. just adds to the potential worry for a lot of people.

And if a few weeks is all it takes to get to know someone then you will run into some pretty quick problems. I talked with people only for months without ever running out of things to talk about. Leading into a first date, it didn't limit conversation at all. I have never had that worry or concern.

As for physical attraction, I agree, you just can't know till you meet. But people may want the security of knowing you a bit more before meeting face to face.
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  #50  
Old 06-03-2011, 02:33 AM
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Well, the main reason I've looked at some of the guys G was dating is because A, we have a policy of full disclosure with one-another... but more importantly in this instance is B, she asked me what I thought about them. I don't know if this means she's had her own reservations, or if it means she's trying to placate my insecurities (which would be ironic, because I don't feel insecure about her dating).

As for the 1-week thing with OKC, I definitely message people a bit back-and-forth before broaching the question of meeting - it's definitely important to make sure there's a little banter back and forth first, but I don't want to get to know everything about them before I meet them... Its fun to find many of these things out as time passes, and also, I read peoples' profiles. It's not so much that I worry we'll have nothing to talk about, so much as I worry about missing out on that organic opening up that people go through, where they become closer by sharing progressively more personal parts of their lives and find parallels with the other person's. That's why I haven't been asking the lady I'm seeing tomorrow everything that I want to yet. She knows I have a million questions, and I'm keeping my fingers off the phone so I don't text her like mad!

I understand the need to feel secure, definitely! I've had my poppa-bear hackles up before when G went out to meet someone she's only messaged briefly, and never telephoned... but she always met them someplace public, and she'd check in with me to let me know all was well. In fact, the first time I met L was picking her up at her place (the first night we started messaging) - it was dark, and pretty sketchy. She lives in a an in-law unit, and it wasn't lit. Looked more like a garage. ...and the back of the property opens to the LA river. The guy in the front house said to head on back, and he seemed a little extra friendly. I texted her and didn't get a reply. He said, "Head on back, holmes, it's all good"... I had a flash of paranoia and envisioned being robbed by 5 or 6 cholos. "Ya know, I forgot something in my truck, I'll be right back." As I was in the act of arming myself, she came out, looking like the femme-fatale she is, and the rest is history.

In this particular instance, I wouldn't think it's a security thing. The things this girl has been saying to me... pretty intimate and sexy. We've also been messaging at least once a day for a week now. G said she's a "no-good cocktease," lol! No wonder her and I are a 96% match...
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