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  #31  
Old 05-02-2011, 10:01 PM
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Ivy Ivy is offline
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I'm curious, how much alone time does G get? Does she get much opportunity to pursue her own hobbies, interests, and relationships (both sexual and nonsexual)? She might feel better about your feelings toward L if she had a solid network of friends, and if she was living the poly lifestyle as much as you are. It also sounds like she might be hesitant to do that, if her previous relationships created problems between you.

For G's sake, encourage her to "become herself"--to find loves (both people and activities) outside of your relationship.

From G's point of view, too, L is literally demanding your time by repeatedly putting herself in risky situations. Does L fully understand that your marriage comes first? Do you feel confident that L has close friends who can rescue her if that sort of thing happens to her again? If you're required to be her knight in shining armor despite your physical distance and family commitments, that's inevitably going to be a tax on G's ability to cope.

For L's sake (and for the sake of your marriage to G), consider making it absolutely clear to L that your family comes first, and that she needs a lineup of other friends who can help her. Even if G's concerns alone are not enough to keep you from rushing to L's side, your obligations to your kiddo should be. L needs to understand that, and she, like G, should have connections she can rely on beyond you.
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  #32  
Old 05-03-2011, 12:16 AM
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Ivy makes several great points.

If G is somewhat isolated, focusing on you as the center of her life, and doesn't have enough outside interests in which to also find fulfillment, it would be very easy to slide into jealousy and getting upset about your attention being elsewhere.
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Last edited by nycindie; 05-03-2011 at 12:58 AM.
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  #33  
Old 05-05-2011, 06:40 AM
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I stayed to help her deal with her emotions and reactions, but more a symbol of how much she means to me. I felt like she needed me to show her that she's number one and special to me above anyone else, even though she didn't say it, and she was glad I stayed. The next day, she said I should go see L, that she needed me too, and that she'd try and understand that. I did, and while I was away, G's mood declined further. She told me via text that I should stay a second night, but I wanted to see her, and had a hunch her mood would improve if I came back. It didn't immediately, but within 24 hours, it had quite a bit.

Excellent questions and points about G finding her own loves; she tends to isolate herself, and only reach out to new people and new situations with prodding. She does get some time to garden, read, and cook, which are her primary hobbies, but those are decidedly non-social. I also think that she'd be a lot happier with a more active social life, and if she were living the poly lifestyle more as well, but she's very disinclined because of how her last other relationship went. Initially it caused problems between us, as the links at the beginning of the thread will show, but I don't think it was the relationship per se that was the problem, more how she went about it, and poor choice of a lover (to save you a read, in addition to past serious drug problems and some ongoing use, he lied about his other sexual activities and gave us the Chlamydia, thankfully that was all). I do think she'll reach out to another man (or woman) at some point again in the future, but I have no idea when. She's convinced it's not worth the pain and suffering, even though I continually encourage her to "become herself" and find fulfillment in other ways than me.

I'm going to focus on giving G more love and attention, and finding more ways to show her I love her. I do need to do better at that, and even though I've been working on it, I guess I hadn't realized just how much more I needed to do.

Now, as for L, she is absolutely aware that my family comes first. We had another talk about this and she has reaffirmed that she's aware of it, and ok with that. She knows our relationship isn't really going to go anywhere other than where it is, and we're both accepting of that. She seems to think she'll want to go mono once she meets someone she really cares about and can go mono with, but I have a feeling things are going to continue on like this for awhile, even while she's dating, though I have to admit the notion makes me nervous - I'm worried about losing her, because I know it's really only a matter of time before I do. L also does indeed have her own network of friends and family she can rely on - in fact, it was a friend of hers that took her to the hospital that night, and her father took care of her the next day when I couldn't. She was thankful I could come up when I did, very glad for the love and support, but I wasn't exactly the Knight in Shining Armor. My family obligations are reason enough for me not to go running off at the drop of a hat all the time, and that's not going to change. That being said, if she's in a tough spot emotionally or in some other way, there isn't a pattern arising, and I can be there for her without neglecting my familial obligations, I'd like to be. I don't see anything wrong with that, but please feel free to let me know if I'm overlooking something or if you think I'm out of line.

Thank you both so much for the advice - if you have more insights to share, or more questions, I'd be very happy for either or both!
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  #34  
Old 05-09-2011, 05:03 AM
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G is having a tougher time with this than I thought. She made an appointment to talk to a therapist, but now she's saying she's not sure if she wants to go. We just took a trip together to see her family for Mothers Day, and it was really a fun trip, we had a good time together, went out, etc... but she revealed to me how she had cried for hours last time I went to see L, how she thought truly ugly and terrible thoughts... I've told her that if she can't deal I'll call it off, as much as I don't want to, I would for her. No, she says, she can deal. She's going to be ok. ...and she will be, for a day, or a night, or two days even, but then the pendulum will swing back in the other direction and I can tell she on the verge of breaking down again. I think she should talk to someone, even if it's just this forum... it really helped me to deal with my own feelings, being able to talk about them openly here with you all. Hopefully she'll open up a little more and seek your valuable insight and guidance as I have.
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  #35  
Old 05-09-2011, 01:44 PM
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Hey SS, I just read this thread, haven't read your others.

You and G have a lot going on. Just moved back to CA, living with the parents (so you have no privacy or opportunities for really good sex with G), about to move into a new house, your job is 2 (?) hours away from your home, and you have a kid! Add in a new relationship, and I can see why things aren't going well. Even if you weren't "in love" with L (infatuated, NRE, whatever) this would be a lot to handle.

Also, you and G come from a place of swinging, and so while you're both OK with having sex with others, having loving feelings for another is a whole new ballgame.

I am wondering if G is feeling like she's the one left at home to be with your child, and get ready for moving to the new house, while you're off gallivanting up in LA with "pinup" models. You also say you're a "bad boy" type. Are you a fetish photographer yourself? The whole roofy thing scares me. What kind of people are these?

You must be getting an ego charge out of banging the hot chick 6 guys wanted to take home from a party. The chick some guy will drug to get to have sex with? Twice? (Even tho he apparently didn't get to rape her afterall, as far as L remembers?)

Anyway, that's my feedback from the East Coast. Feel free to tell me how off base I am.
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me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #36  
Old 05-09-2011, 06:29 PM
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Hey Mags, thanks so much for the reply and the insight... For the most part you're pretty right-on.

As for everything going on, my job is inconsistent at best - I'll work one week and not the next, then maybe a day or two the week after. I spend the vast majority of my time in SD with my family. We've also moved into the new house (next door to my folks', a pretty lucky deal), and gotten pretty well settled in here. We're even gardening, growing tomatoes, corn, etc.

I know we've got a little background in swinging, but honestly not THAT much. She's only had two men other than me, and I've only had four other women, not including L. ...in 13 years. I always felt like something was lacking with that though - there have been times where I had opportunity to have sex with someone, and I wanted to, but couldn't perform. This is an unusual thing for me, as I mentioned in one of the other threads, and it seems to follow emotional turmoil. Whenever I don't feel right about something, or when I'm just really upset about something, it just doesn't work. The emotional attachment to a partner is DEFINITELY a new ballgame and the primary source of the issues here. G is having a hard time seeing the difference between herself and L, what separates them for me, etc. I'm trying to really focus my efforts on showing her that she's my primary and that's not going to change, but it can get hard when life intervenes and keeps me busy. For example, we just got back from this family trip, but now I'd like to go see L - what can I do before I leave to make G feel good? How can I help her with this, beyond calling things off with L and breaking my own heart?

G DEFINITELY feels like she's "left at home while I'm off galavanting". I keep trying to get her out on her own to have some fun, but it's hard! She mostly works and wants to stay home with us, or garden. We're taking a trip to Vegas soon for a friend's wedding, and she's getting excited about that... hopefully she'll get her groove back soon - sex between us has been fantastic since we moved into the new house, but I think she's nervous about going out and exploring/meeting people, etc. by herself, and rightly so. I don't particularly enjoy that either. I'm still trying to convince her to get an OKC membership, but she's just not sure she wants to see anyone else, and I'm really not going to push her on the matter - it's best that she come to it in her own time, when she's ready for it. Maybe we need to go to a poly meetup in SD or something and try to make some friends. I grew up here, but nearly all my old friends have moved away, and it's always good to make new ones.

As for the work L does - she's been modeling for years, mostly car shows, some calendar and poster work, but always clothed, nothing really naughty. This is the first time she's ever been drugged, and it happened twice in a week, from the same guy. The police are already after him, and we really hope they catch the SOB. Most of the people in this circle are good people who look out for her, and I'm fine with her doing this. It doesn't seem particularly risky to me, one can incur a stalker in nearly any line of work. I'm not a fetish photographer, I work in a completely different part of the entertainment business, and it has nothing to do with anything sordid, hence my reluctance to mention it specifically here. I don't make Republican propaganda videos or anything, but what I do is a small world, and I'd like to keep my personal and professional lives separate. As for me being a "bad boy", in some ways I am, but for the most part, I'm a poppa-bear. Sure, I'm burly and covered in tattoos, used to ride a motorcycle and box, but I'm a lover whose primary instincts are to support and protect those in my life. I'm also a dude though, and enjoy the attention of the ladyfolk.

Ego boost...? Definitely. It feels good, but I have to remind myself often that this is probably not going to last, to enjoy it while I can, and that I have priorities.

I can't say enough times how helpful this site has been, the ability to really talk freely about things free from judgement by all you sexy and empowered people... Just wanted to say thank you.

-SS
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  #37  
Old 05-09-2011, 08:42 PM
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Hey, this is the first time I saw your username and realized it is "SvartSvensk." Up til now, I always read it as "SmartSvensk," LOL. So, here I was wondering why you were having problems, you being a smarty-pants and all.

j/k
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  #38  
Old 05-10-2011, 12:07 AM
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OK, good, I didn't realize you're done with the move and unpacking and already gardening! That's great. You're a papa bear and G is a mama bear domestic Goddess.

L is a younger sexy model... and that whole LA scene, big difference from your domestic arrangement with G. For me, a little house with a woman/man that loves you, a beloved baby and a garden is a lot more attractive than being out partying in the LA scene. Whole different ballgame? Different universe, even. But then, G must be used to you working in entertainment, running with a crowd she has no part in, or only peripherally?

Maybe you could sell OKC to her as a place to meet platonic friends, not lovers. My gf and I have met lots of people on there who are just now part of our social support circle, some just online, some we've met in person and now hang out with from time to time. There's no pressure to hook up sexually, it's a choice one can make. Some people are really just looking for activity partners, not lovers. Just someone to go to the movies with, go out dancing, cook together, play games, whatever. G needs something for HER, new interests and friends, to feel less lonely and envious when you're doing your things in LA. So many people coming from the mono mindset get stuck in expecting all or most of their social stimulation to come from their primary, but many have found that's not healthy.

You say G works, do you mean outside the home, or with your child and housework? How old is the kid, anyway? You planning more?
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #39  
Old 05-10-2011, 03:17 AM
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TheBlackSwede TheBlackSwede is offline
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NYC - huh, I never thought of that. I hope that's not a common misperception! I wouldn't want everyone thinking I'm even MORE full of myself than I actually am. It's actually a Swedish username, it means "The Black Swede" - I'm not black though, it's more like "black" in the non-literal sense.

Mags - Good call on suggesting OKC to meet platonic friends/activity partners. I'll try that. 100% agreed that G needs something for herself. G works during the day from home, she's kinda let work dominate her life for too long.

My domestic arrangement IS very different than what I do in LA, but even in my professional life I'm surrounded by mostly homebodies. I don't typically run in the "high-glam" circles, and that has little interest for me. L, while a model, is a pinup model, and when we hang out, it's far-removed from her professional life. Mostly we hang out at her place, she'll cook for me, sometimes we go out to bars and such, but it's really nothing glamorous. Of course, I can easily see how the perception of it from someone outside the situation would make it appear as such. G has been to some pretty swanky parties with me in LA, and I do go to those occasionally, but most of them I wouldn't bring L to - they're full of people who know me and my family.
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  #40  
Old 05-11-2011, 06:13 AM
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Well, now I've done it. Incurred major wrath. Just got back from a one-night visit with L, and G is livid with me, not because I saw her or anything, but because I didn't make the most of my visit up there and make calls to former colleagues and bosses to try and set meetings to try and drum up more work. I had time in my visit to do this, but chose not to, primarily because doing so makes me feel like a shameless self-promoter. The people I know and have worked with before, and who trust me, will call me if they have work for me - they have done so in the past, and will do so again in the future. I feel like I'm bugging them by trying to set meeting just to shoot the shit, especially if I try to reach out to them same-day. Usually, email is our preferred means of communication, and I honestly feel uncomfortable trying to push things much further. Even the colleagues I don't feel uncomfortable trying to meet with, I feel uncomfortable trying to meet with them same-day.

G of course sees this as me making L my priority over my career and family, and I can see how it would seem that way, but this was me just putting my own discomfort first, in truth. I never should've agreed to make the calls in the first place. I did it because I thought that if I told her I would, I'd be able to overcome my discomfort for her sake, and because she put me in the difficult position of not supporting me taking a trip to see L unless I "made the most of it" for my career. That was a shit proposition, and I was wrong to agree to it. Sure, I should do what I can to further my career, for my family's sake - but with what I do there's a very fine line between "staying in touch" and being a bug.
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