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Old 03-25-2011, 08:14 PM
yul yul is offline
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 38

No worries...."friend" meant half-friend since my SO isn't 100% on board but trying to give the benefit of the doubt.

There is no way I could build a relationship around this at this point...but I would like to salvage the friendship...
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Old 03-25-2011, 08:46 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872

Has she actually changed her spots, or has she become better at hiding them?...

aka does she deserve to be forgiven
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Old 03-25-2011, 09:15 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Oregon, USA
Posts: 1,426

So, she wanted a relationship with you and thought your wife didn't know.
But did she actually try to break you two? Did she encourage you to leave your wife?
The way I see it, a cowgirl starts a relationship with the intent to "have you for herself". Is that really what she did?
If she wanted a relationship with you and though you were trying to cheat (since you were hitting on her while being married) I think I would give her some slack, provided you told her you were interested and didn't tell her you were poly.
Because in that case, it seems to me she didn't realise there was an option to be open about it. In that case, her thinking might have been "he's obviously going to cheat on his wife either way, and I like him, so I don't want to reject him".
It would even be possible that she would have preferred being open about it, but didn't know it was an option.

If, however, she approached you first with advances, it's a tiny bit different. While she might still not have known poly was an option, I believe more people would refrain from hitting on someone they like who is married. I mean, it seems to me that case A (someone you like hits on you, he's married, do you go along or not?) and case B (someone you like is married, do you hit on him or not?) are different. I'm aware of poly, so in case A I would say "poly or nothing", but if I didn't know about poly, it might be hard to resist: his wife is more his responsibility than mine, he's already made that call (to cheat on her), and I really like him.

I would really need to know the circumstances. Either way, how long has it been? If she really likes you and it hasn't been long, she probably isn't over you and starting a friendship with the intent of it staying a friendship forever might not be the best idea. It's possible that she's hoping it will turn into more, for instance. If that's the case, you'll have to make sure she fully understand that a relationship isn't an option anymore at this point.
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Old 03-25-2011, 10:20 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Oh, geez, is a friendship with this chick even worth it, for crap's sake? Seems to me you should focus on the relationship with your SO and get it strong and stable before branching out. If the friend or half-friend (whatever the fuck that is!) IS worth it, she'll wait.
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Old 03-26-2011, 02:20 AM
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Somegeezer Somegeezer is offline
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Location: Leeds, UK
Posts: 806

I agree with Tonberry that you haven't really been clear by what happened to every detail. Also with NYCindie that your relationship with your SO doesn't exactly seem all that stable in iteself to be trying to find another relationship as of yet.

I also don't understand this term "homewrecker". If a relationship is wrecked, it is the fault of whoever is in that relationship. Nobody outside that can harm a strong bond between others.
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Old 03-27-2011, 02:08 AM
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Fenpry Fenpry is offline
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Miami, Florida
Posts: 6

My thoughts are simple, but I apologize if I am incorrect in assuming but I will say it anyway...I'm thinking that the reason you want to continue this friendship is due to the fact that a. you have been friends for a while and really care for the friendship or b. you want to get this person to eventually join you in your relationship with your SO. My bets are on b, and if so, I believe you should be honest with both parties and see it through, not manipulate the whole situation. But if you do truly just want to stay friends with this person, that can be done as long as she understands that it is solely a friendship with no other ties and your SO is completely on board with this all (meaning she knows when you two are hanging out and speaking to each other).
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Old 03-28-2011, 01:11 AM
scramcity scramcity is offline
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 14
Default Can I just say?

I love you NYCindie
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Old 03-28-2011, 11:42 PM
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girlpatrol girlpatrol is offline
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Boston
Posts: 17

OP, the questions I'm asking myself about what you've written are these:

1) Is he having an instability or insecurity with his wife that he needs to work on first?

2) Are there trust issues between him and his wife regardless of whether there's another potential partner in the pic?

3) Is the "homewrecker" sensing the insecurities in the marriage (if they exist)?

4) Is the OP willing to start a dialogue about it, especially about why he wants to hold on to a friendship?

There are other questions but those are the highlights. Basically, they are questions I would probably ask myself if in your shoes.

I have been in your shoes... or, actually, in the "homewrecker" shoes (although that wasn't my intention at the time...) I'll leave my story for another time, but basically what happened is that I realized that it seemed to her like I was trying to homewreck, when actually that was the furthest from my thoughts. She was married with kids, and he was gone all the time with work, so there were insecurities there, and I sensed them, but not because I wanted to steal her. I wanted to be with her and I would have happily met and befriended him but he was very traditional and the issue was cut and dried. One day she just cut me off. But can I really blame her? No... Worst feeling in the world, the idea that I was hurting someone's relationship.

I hope you can get it sorted, whatever the issues are that are going on between you and your spouse, or you and this other girl.
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Old 03-28-2011, 11:48 PM
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idealist idealist is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Deep South
Posts: 543

In my opinion, if all you wanted was a friendship with this other woman, you wouldn't be looking for advice on a poly site. I suggest you get really honest about what you want, and once you have that sorted out, talk to your SO.
The key to life is in being fully engaged and peacefully detached simultaneously and authentically in each moment.
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Old 03-29-2011, 12:03 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,221

Originally Posted by idealist View Post
In my opinion, if all you wanted was a friendship with this other woman, you wouldn't be looking for advice on a poly site.

Last edited by redpepper; 03-29-2011 at 05:30 AM.
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