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  #11  
Old 03-23-2011, 03:39 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
I didn't say you said that. Is it ok if I quote something without making it out like I'm trying to paraphrase what was quoted? I was ADDING something to the discussion, not trying to say you said something you never said.

...really am not walking on eggshells anymore.
I think the caps through me off haha

Last edited by Ariakas; 03-23-2011 at 03:39 AM. Reason: Damn iPad keyboard
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  #12  
Old 03-23-2011, 07:30 AM
bella123456 bella123456 is offline
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Originally Posted by River View Post
As for spelling and grammar? I'm not so good at either myself. But have a look at ...
http://www.wikihow.com/Use-There,-Their-and-They're
River...Um....so now would be the time to offer a little apology about grammar/spelling correction I would think

Faraday - Don't worry, you were perfectly understandable. I would have probably also taken that with difficulty..

As for through vs threw...well, that's a different issue
I say that with meek jest and good will !!!!
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  #13  
Old 03-23-2011, 09:02 AM
preciselove preciselove is offline
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Babies don't change a thing, provided everyone involved wants them.

Like any difference in a relationship, but perhaps amplified on steroids when it comes to a living human.
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  #14  
Old 03-23-2011, 07:30 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion View Post
I think a generally safe approximation of with regard to baby's affect on the parents lives:

Pack up your life in box, both breakable and precious (like fine China) along with heavy and indestructible (cast iron pan) as well as the messy (Styrofoam peanuts) and fun (LUBE!).
Turn upside down and shake vigorously. (Never Ever ever never try this with an actual baby!!!)
After the first year, see what's left.

In terms of how this will affect you? It's a matter of how your relationship is with them...China, Cast Iron, Styrofoam or Lube?
Excellent analogy!
I love it.

I have 4 kids. I love them all. (19, 15, 11, 3) and a grandbaby (1month).

There are people who stayed in my life through the addition of child(ren), there were those who disappeared.
The ones who stayed were the ones who were willing to morph with the changes that came, because, as those before me said, you really can't predict exactly what those changes will be.

With my 11 year old, not much changed, he was a quiet, calm and easy going baby.
But-with the 3 year old, she had health issues, she projectile puked any time she had dairy or soy-limiting my food options greatly and making it not fun to be around her if I 'screwed up' on my diet. She choked endlessly (don't the heimlich on her more times in 3 years then ALL of the other kids added together). So there were a LOT of things in our lives that changed when she came.
Now-at 3 she's a healthy, vibrant and fun-loving kid, our lives are going back to a more "normal" style. Those people who loved and cared for us enough to stick it out through that difficulty-are thrilled when she screams their names and runs to them professing her undying love and affection. Those who couldn't handle the difficulties-miss out.
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Old 03-23-2011, 10:51 PM
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magikman79 magikman79 is offline
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We have 3 children & had discussed several times the possibility of having kids with out triad partner, we knew she would have that desire to have kids one day.

& the fact is, it would have depended on how strong the relationship is, I could have seen us having children with her but this is no subject to take lightly, as with most things the key is COMMUNICATION its very important for all involved to be up front & honest about what they are feeling.
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  #16  
Old 03-24-2011, 12:40 AM
faraday faraday is offline
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Those people who loved and cared for us enough to stick it out through that difficulty-are thrilled when she screams their names and runs to them professing her undying love and affection. Those who couldn't handle the difficulties-miss out.
That's great. But what does sticking it out look like to you? How did friends stay close? Were there ways that they felt to present? What made you feel like they were there for you?

I want to be clear that I really want them to have kids I just don't know how to best support them. And I know I will talk with them a lot and we will figure it out but I also wanted to talk to poly parents about what works for you with secondary partners.
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  #17  
Old 03-24-2011, 02:13 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Originally Posted by faraday View Post
That's great. But what does sticking it out look like to you? How did friends stay close? Were there ways that they felt to present? What made you feel like they were there for you?

I want to be clear that I really want them to have kids I just don't know how to best support them. And I know I will talk with them a lot and we will figure it out but I also wanted to talk to poly parents about what works for you with secondary partners.
Faraday-good questions! Honestly, it's different for each person. GG obviously took a hands on role with the kids (obvious if you read other posts of mine on here). He's very much another parent to them as is Mimi.

However, J&C are only involved with the kids as in "if there was an emergency they would grab the kids for me", but they keep in touch by email and come hang out for holidays.

Midnightsun and her family are willing to take kids to babysit if needed, but most of our social time is spent without the kids (theirs or ours).

E is available anytime we go into town for a short visit, keeps in touch by email or texting, asks about the kids but rarely see's them beyond a special occasion, like coming to the hospital when our grandbaby was born in Feb.

It's really a matter of finding YOUR comfort level with each other. I don't think someone who isn't comfortable babysitting should pretend that they are-it's just not necessary.
BUT-it is important to accept that without a babysitter available, they may be unable to have kid-free time to hang out, so a willingness to visit when kids are around is very helpful.
That does not mean you need to PARENT their kids-much like a friend, I don't expect any lover to parent my kids, I expect them to respect that I need to.
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  #18  
Old 03-24-2011, 04:11 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Originally Posted by faraday View Post

So here is the thing Dave and Amy have been planning on trying for a kid next fall. They are planners and Amy is going to go off birth control sometime in the fall.

Does anyone have any experiences with a secondary partner becoming a parent and how that changes the relationship?
Anyone who has kids knows with complete honesty that things change. Priorities change, time availability changes, your social life changes and the people you hang out with often change (new parents often hang with new parents at least for the first few years). In short..expect change. That doesn't mean it is a bad thing, it'll just be different. The baby will take precedent over everything and everyone....just as it should be in my opinion.
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  #19  
Old 03-24-2011, 04:38 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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The baby will take precedent over everything and everyone....just as it should be in my opinion.
yes, yes it will. Heck, the new grandbaby here has taken precedent.
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  #20  
Old 03-24-2011, 05:40 AM
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I'm dyslexic too Faraday. Writing on here has greatly helped me actually. As has the dawn of the mobile phone. I can read on there! and not on here depending on the settings the computer I use has. I use a net book actually as its screen is small. I set the zoom to something larger too...

I still get confused and get that blank thing that happens in my brain when I look on certain pages on here... its very frustrating and I just want to throw the lap top sometimes. I get where you are coming from.

Just my thought I'm sure River was trying to help though... I've known him a long while on here now and he isn't the type to be condescending I think. None of us intend that here most of the time, especially those of us who have been here a long time... just not that kind of forum... it's more of a honest open communication type space than condescending. It can come off as that in type though... he could of been light heartedly poking fun without realizing the circumstance. Needless to say, if it were me, and I was reading what he wrote, I would attempt to shrug it off.

As to babies; ya, change everything, as has been said. I think really considering your involvement and how much you want to invest in them as parents and their baby would be a good place to start... maybe check in with them about this too. They might want you involved, and then again, they might not.

Then throw it all out the window, because no one knows what it is like until it happens. Best intentions are a great place to start, but I don't think they should expect that you will be swimmingly in love with the fact that for a good long time you won't be getting a drop of attention, likely no sex, and in fact, will likely be the last person they will want to have to engage in that way as they likely won't be engaging in each other that way either.

New parents are selfish. Not in a bad way, just in a way that is necessary. The baby is selfish and therefore the parents are too because they are responsible for giving EVERYTHING to their child. Once they have, there is nothing left for themselves, let alone another partner that is not involved with the baby.

This is where your choice comes in... I think the question would be; be involved by doing everything they ask, not demanding or asking for a thing, giving entirely to them and what they need for at least a year or more and being the best damned "auntie" you can be OR see them occasionally and casually and let it ride out until they either have time for you and you for them in the way you feel more like giving, or you and them move on.

I would think you would have to listen to yourself in terms of what reason you yourself don't want to have kids. Is it because you don't like them? or because you just don't want to have that kind of responsibility? Answering that for yourself and them might help make the decision to continue, once baby is made, easier.

Bottom line? Be honest with yourself... and then them.

If you do a tag search for "children" or "kids" you will find some threads that might interest you on this topic.
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