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  #31  
Old 03-31-2011, 09:13 PM
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Its cool, its all over now & now everyone can heal, we will still remain best of friends
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  #32  
Old 04-11-2011, 09:13 PM
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So we did slowly begin to search again, expecting it to be a forever long search. But we did get several replies from OKcupid (2 seem serious) & we looked at a couple of girls at work, even went on a date with one.

One of the girls is pushing for a decision already & is somewhat hurt we are talking to more than one person. We did explain that we sent out a lot of messages at first, expecting NO replies & that we were not contacting any new people. And we never hid the fact we were talking to more than one person.

But it still got odd there for a couple of days, until we told them both we were not at all ready for it to move that fast yet. And that we were not looking for just playtime, we were looking for a relationship.

Oddly enough that same day, the girlfriend I had before heather sent me a message out of the blue to let me know that I had "broke her heart" & that when I told her Heather was pregnant that it crushed her. But all of that was SO MANY years ago that it struck me as odd she would pick that day to say something about it.

M is slowly beginning to be able to talk to me again & I still enjoy spending time with her, but it's not the same now & it will never be again... She looks so sad & sounds so hollow sometimes, but it is good to spend time with her again.

This weekend we plan to go to Austin to meet one of these girls, then in about 10 days another will be moving here from New York & we will meet her too...

Just kinda drifting for now, like we got in a car without knowing where it's going & were just along for the ride now...

All in all, life is good now...
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  #33  
Old 04-14-2011, 11:09 AM
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FINALLY catching up on your story and just want to comment on how impressive the progress you've made and the frankness with which you are willing to gauge your emotions and expectations are.

PM me your okc profile name if you will so we can check out that Match % .
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  #34  
Old 04-15-2011, 04:13 AM
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lotheriel79 lotheriel79 is offline
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Default Sigh... Im so confused.

@ BlackUnicorn- I am so happy you got a chance to join our little universe! LOL. Advice from someone on your side of the triads would be very helpful.



So new developments and my thoughts on them...

We are no longer talking to one of our "serious" prospects from OKc. She was the one pushing so hard to be the only one we were talking to and it turns out she is just not "soft" enough for us. She was alot of fun to talk to, and might make a fun shopping buddy, but that is about it. And I am ok with that. I did not feel the pull for her.

Our other new buddy and I have been getting closer through txts and messages. She calls in the middle of the night when she has had a bad dream, and she makes me feel better. Almost happy. Our oldest sees me checking my phone for the latest text and when i giggle she shakes her head and mumbles mom must be chatting with one of her many girlfriends again.
her life is VERY different from the one we lead though and that worries me a little. I wonder how well she will fit in with our lives. But she is super sweet and when i get sad about something or frustrated I find myself grabbing my phone to txt her again so she can make me feel better.

BUT.. all those great things considered... I still miss our "M". Even though she still will not talk to me at all. Kris has been able to go out with her... take her out for ice cream, which I am trying VERY hard not to be jealous over... The trust for her is gone, and so jealousy is harder to keep at bay.I find myself wondering what her motives are. Why, when she knows how much we hurt over her, would she out of the blue txt kris and ask HIM to go to a pool party. Not US.. HIM. And while I encourage Kris and tell him it is ok. Go ahead. She wants you to be there. She misses you and you miss her.. Go... it is like fresh rejection for me every time. She sends him good morning and good night txts like she used to again, but I get nothing.
But when I try to picture me kissing and being held by our new friend, the image always changes to her. When my new girlie asks me what kind of things should we do when i come down I start spouting out things, not even realizing until it is out that I am mentioning things I did with "M" when times were good.

But what is extra great about New girlie... She knows all this, and she is patient enough to wait for healing to happen. She does not rush or push us. She seems to genuinely care, and is willing to go as slow as we need or even just remain friends if that is all it becomes. And that may very well be all that is in the cards for her... Its hard to tell right yet.

We did not expect when we started looking again that it would not be a lack of people willing to try, (or even ue us as an experiment to see what this strange lifestyle is so appealing to us) but the search for the right chemistry with someone.. times 3. And now I truly understand why they are called unicorns. Its not at all the lack of Bi girls looking for fun or even romance, it's the lack of the right girl to fit perfectly in the mix with us together.

Who ever you are out there.. we will find you, and I apologize for all the fixing and mending of broken hearts you will have set before you! But we know you are out there, and perhaps you are already closer than we may think.
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  #35  
Old 04-15-2011, 11:39 AM
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Why I think vees are less stressful at first is that you don't have to spend extra time thinking 'OMG is someone feeling excluded?' Seriously, you are cuddling with one on the sofa and then the other comes and sits on the sofa right next to you. What do you? Cuddle both? Time cuddle moments so that everyone is cuddled an equal amount of time? That's why I prefer one-on-one time so much more, because you can totally focus on the person you are with. Family time is less stressful too when you are not expected to date both at the same time.
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  #36  
Old 04-19-2011, 01:45 AM
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Im in desperate need for someone to slap me right now.

It's taking every ounce of my being to NOT text her and tell her I love her. I can't seem to get her off my mind today.

I HAVE to find a way to stop loving her. But I did.. I do.. I always will, regardless of everything. I MUST find a way to stop wanting her. Stop the dreams I have so often of her holding me and telling me she loves me..
Stop trying to imagine someone else in HER place and make it someone else's place now.

Sigh...

How do you stop loving someone when you do not even know WHY you love them in the first place?
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Old 04-19-2011, 01:53 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lotheriel79 View Post
How do you stop loving someone when you do not even know WHY you love them in the first place?
There is no reason why. Love is like gravity; it's an attraction that pulls one toward another simply because they exist, just like gravity keeps planets and moons in orbit, in relation to each other for no other reason than that they exist.

It's futile to try to stop loving someone. Love is inside you and always there and that person just forged a path to your heart. Eventually that path will become overgrown with wildflowers and weeds, and won't feel so present, but it will still be there. All you can do is be grateful for what you had, and for the memories, and move forward in your life. Eventually, others will come along and create their own paths to your heart.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #38  
Old 04-19-2011, 02:01 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
Why I think vees are less stressful at first is that you don't have to spend extra time thinking 'OMG is someone feeling excluded?' Seriously, you are cuddling with one on the sofa and then the other comes and sits on the sofa right next to you. What do you? Cuddle both? Time cuddle moments so that everyone is cuddled an equal amount of time? That's why I prefer one-on-one time so much more, because you can totally focus on the person you are with. Family time is less stressful too when you are not expected to date both at the same time.

Group cuddles were the the best though. It's one of the things I miss the most. Because being held by 2 sets of arms.. being smothered in the safe loving feeling was intoxicating.
But separate, when there are 3 and not 4.. someone will always get left out, and that is the truth of it. As long as everyone takes turns being the odd man out it all gets canceled out and things even out nicely. It's only when it becomes the same person to get left out, and has no arms around them anymore that hurt starts to happen.. That the alone feeling sets in, and becomes so intensified by the nature of the triad....

I am really seeing the error in my own ways by not allowing them to have alone time when they wanted it. By not being able to see beyond the fear of loosing everything I had. If I could go back right this min there would be no tears shed. All she wanted was what I got everynight after she went home. I was very selfish.
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  #39  
Old 04-19-2011, 02:02 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
There is no reason why. Love is like gravity; it's an attraction that pulls one toward another simply because they exist, just like gravity keeps planets and moons in orbit, in relation to each other for no other reason than that they exist.

It's futile to try to stop loving someone. Love is inside you and always there and that person just forged a path to your heart. Eventually that path will become overgrown with wildflowers and weeds, and won't feel so present, but it will still be there. All you can do is be grateful for what you had, and for the memories, and move forward in your life. Eventually, others will come along and create their own paths to your heart.
I ADORE this and I will carry this with me forever. Thankyou.
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  #40  
Old 04-19-2011, 10:17 PM
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magikman79 magikman79 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Eventually that path will become overgrown with wildflowers and weeds, and won't feel so present, but it will still be there. All you can do is be grateful for what you had, and for the memories, and move forward in your life. Eventually, others will come along and create their own paths to your heart.
In the middle of the journey of our lives, I came to a dark forest, where the clear path had been lost...
--Dante
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