Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 03-25-2011, 07:23 PM
ambleew's Avatar
ambleew ambleew is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 17
Default

Penny, I agree and I definitely take my part of the blame. I agreed to her moving in (and it was to help us since I'm not working right now). I am definitely not placing full blame on him or her. There really is no one person to blame. I have to admit that a very small part of me wants it to work with all three of us but since I feel like I'm being forced by him, I'm being stubborn.

Trucker- No she does not have her own room right now.
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 03-25-2011, 07:35 PM
Penny's Avatar
Penny Penny is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 143
Default

Wow, this is a really tough situation. You can't make yourself have feelings for this woman, it doesn't work like that.

People aren't interchangeable, and it seems like you and your husband jumped into a situation with this woman thinking it could somehow turn into the same scenario as the first. Wishful thinking is my guess.

It is important that your needs get met, but do try to have compassion for this woman. It would be wrong to just use and discard her.
__________________
.
Hinge of a V relationship with my husband (Thumper) and boyfriend (T-Rex). Also, mother of a 6 y/o girl by my husband.

My poly story begins here. Now with new blogging action!
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 03-26-2011, 02:55 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

This seems like a situation where the primary relationship was not working well and there was not a solid foundation to begin with. I think it rather naive to think that moving a person in because you need the money and are in NRE is a valid option. Still, its not like we haven't seen it hear before. It happens all the time it seems. Not wise I don't think, but a lesson learned I would hope. Now time to move forward and fix what is broken?

So how to be constructive and productive. I think if this were me I would go and get a job, pay for her first months rent, find her a place to live, help her move with a smile and then say good bye for 6 months while she establishes herself. Then, if there is still a reason for either of you to contact her, start again.

In the mean time I would not add partners to my life at all... embrace new loves as whole and independent people that can take care of themselves maybe, but only after a whole lot of getting a foundation that is sustainable, complete with ideas on what to do if the relationship dynamic is not working out...

Also I would divide the house hold chores down the middle and get on working on self esteem and self worth... some of that I think might be tied to feeling of martyrdom? Just a guess. I have a mother that plays the martyr when things are not going her way... could be wrong about that, but I sense some whining and I would wonder what that is about and how it is serving you...

This is all what I would do of course and I am not you. Take what you want and leave what you want. It's up to you. To me it would produce a life that is both happy and full of strong relationships based on high self esteem and good boundaries.... again, this is just what works for me. good luck.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 03-26-2011, 03:01 AM
Somegeezer's Avatar
Somegeezer Somegeezer is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Leeds, UK
Posts: 804
Default

I think if you are not comfortable with her, don't be in a relationship with her. But he seems to enjoy what he has with her and trying to push him out of that, would most likely only worsen yours and his relationship. As for him telling his mother. It is his mother. He's allowed to tell her who he is with. You could express that you are not in this relationship between the 2 of them and only with him [assuming you are or will be]. It could be that polyamory is not your thing and that is ok too. But if you can't support him with who he is, then that certainly wouldn't be a healthy relationship.
__________________
[Insert witty comment here]
Feel free to add me up on facebook. - Just click here.
Do send a message in your request saying who you are and that you're from this forum. It will help me filter out any spam requests.
=]
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 03-26-2011, 08:45 PM
ambleew's Avatar
ambleew ambleew is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 17
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
This is all what I would do of course and I am not you. Take what you want and leave what you want. It's up to you. To me it would produce a life that is both happy and full of strong relationships based on high self esteem and good boundaries.... again, this is just what works for me. good luck.
You always have the best advice, seriously! I agree..there have been some happy times. I think my main issues is that I'm struggling with being so new to poly and having a hard time with the sharing part. Of course he realizes he was not paying attention to me quite as much which in part, caused me to have major doubts. He promises to change all that AND help around the house more. Only time will tell, but so far he is trying.
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 03-26-2011, 10:56 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by ambleew View Post
so far he is trying.
well that is a good first step
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 03-27-2011, 10:38 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,108
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by ambleew View Post
Only time will tell, but so far he is trying.
Well, if you're sitting down - try to stand up right now. Did you stand up? Oops, too late! You weren't trying, you were standing. How do you try to stand? You're either sitting or standing. We can't really try to do something. As Yoda says, "Do, or do not. There is no try." I just hope, for your sake Ambleew, that he is more committed to doing than he has been, because just trying ain't gonna cut it. AND realize that progress can only be determined if it's measurable, so I think you should have an agreement to discuss how it's going within a set time frame and if you're still not happy with certain things, more work needs to be done!
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old 03-28-2011, 04:16 AM
Carma's Avatar
Carma Carma is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 477
Default

Hmm. I'm not necessarily hearing abuse here -- Am's husband may be being brutally honest. The "chip on the shoulder" comment? Well -- isn't it true that if he gives up the gf FOR Am, he will be resentful?

Am, I commend you for giving it a go. No matter what happens, you are going to learn so much about yourself. You may be unclear about what your boundaries are, but what they "should" be can only be determined by YOU. The people on this forum are here to give our opinions, and you are free to take what you like and leave the rest. I think it is helpful to consider all the perspectives, though -- because there is some real wisdom here from the personal experience of others.

I think it is wise to put yourself at the top of your list right now as far as doing things YOU like to do, and giving your SO lots of space to figure out this relationship with the gf.

Yikes, I also think when people cohabitate out of financial need, it can distort the true nature of love, in its freest form. Hard to be with someone you "need" to be with, instead of purely because you WANT to be with them. You are all in a complicated situation. I'm feeling for ya.

Also, regarding the PMS statement? I tend to attribute that to ignorance, rather than malice. We have a whole generation of people who have learned that PMS is a great way to explain things that are confusing to us. It became a convenient excuse not to really listen and try to understand what women are really thinking and feeling. I hope your husband will open his mind a bit and choose to become enlightened! Otherwise, well -- maybe the gf and he deserve each other - ?!
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old 03-28-2011, 05:17 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,087
Default

No offence intended, hopefully this will just give you a little different perspective.
When I read the first post in this thread, my immediate mental response was "well maybe the gf is being immature-but it sounds to me like a reoccurring theme, because you are as well."
The whole post came off as a temper tantrum. I feel safe in saying that, because I've "thrown" enough of my own (feel free to browse through past threads) to know what they read like.

Facts:
You all made choices and those choices led to current circumstances.
You all are responsible to suffer the consequences of your choices.
He wants her.
You don't.
She's there due to choices YOU made as well.

My opinions:

1.It would be unfair to "just kick her to the curb".
2.His comment about PMS was ignorant.
3.Educational material on non-violent communication would be good for all three of you (or buy the book and read it together).
4.Educational material on PMS would be good for him at the least.
5. You all need to look for some creative adaptive solutions (ie-solutions that allow for ALL THREE OF YOU to have your needs met w/o any one of you being mistreated, demeaned or otherwise neglected)
6. it's unfair and wrong of you to call her your gf if you don't have those feelings for her-you are lying to yourself and her-be honest and real, call it a V, build a friendship.
7. it might benefit you to read some of my wordpress blog, to get a perspective on what you are asking of him.
8. It might benefit him to read it too-to get some perspective on how to more reasonable ask of you what he's needing.
9. You could ALL benefit from finding Ceoli's thread on being a third from this board and read the whole thing-because you are treating your "third" like shit.


Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Well, if you're sitting down - try to stand up right now. Did you stand up? Oops, too late! You weren't trying, you were standing. How do you try to stand? You're either sitting or standing. We can't really try to do something. As Yoda says, "Do, or do not. There is no try." I just hope, for your sake Ambleew, that he is more committed to doing than he has been, because just trying ain't gonna cut it. AND realize that progress can only be determined if it's measurable, so I think you should have an agreement to discuss how it's going within a set time frame and if you're still not happy with certain things, more work needs to be done!
Nycindie-I love you! This should just be copied repeatedly all over the place!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Carma View Post
Hmm. I'm not necessarily hearing abuse here -- Am's husband may be being brutally honest. The "chip on the shoulder" comment? Well -- isn't it true that if he gives up the gf FOR Am, he will be resentful?

Also, regarding the PMS statement? I tend to attribute that to ignorance, rather than malice. We have a whole generation of people who have learned that PMS is a great way to explain things that are confusing to us. It became a convenient excuse not to really listen and try to understand what women are really thinking and feeling. I hope your husband will open his mind a bit and choose to become enlightened! Otherwise, well -- maybe the gf and he deserve each other - ?!
These two thoughts-I concur. Stupid remark about PMS-absolutely, so get some educational info.

Honesty in the "chip on the shoulder" yes, so accept the honesty for what it is, HONEST.
Honesty isn't about telling someone what they want to hear, it's about telling them the TRUTH and often times-the truth hurts. shrug

As for the attitude that your problems are your problems-again, that's TRUE. His problems are HIS problems, yours are yours. YOU need to prioritize finding yourself and identifying your needs and how YOU can meet YOUR needs. It's not his job. The sooner you do that, the sooner YOU can find true happiness in YOUR LIFE-whether that includes him, or not.
(I say that lovingly-cause it sucks to learn that lesson-I suffered the lesson myself recently enough to say that the burn from it still stings)
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #30  
Old 03-28-2011, 02:44 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,868
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Well, if you're sitting down - try to stand up right now. Did you stand up? Oops, too late! You weren't trying, you were standing. How do you try to stand? You're either sitting or standing. We can't really try to do something. As Yoda says, "Do, or do not. There is no try."
Well said. I have that fundamental problem. I always say I am trying... definitely time to stop trying, and start doing...
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 12:44 PM.