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  #11  
Old 03-25-2011, 10:40 AM
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Penny Penny is offline
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I am usually kinder and gentler than this, but I'm pretty pissed.

I've been reading along and the PMS comment, among a whole bunch of other things, leads me to draw the conclusion that her husband is a manipulative asshole and the OP is playing the doormat.

I mean it. He's an asshole. Sometimes this is a treatable condition, but often not because the asshole is frequently incapable of recognizing his or her own condition.

The PMS comment was belittling, nasty, and manipulative. It's fucking dehumanizing. It's fucking abusive.

I mean, maybe, just maybe I am misreading the situation, but it sounds like the husband has all the power, and the wife just rolls over and lets him treat her like her opinions don't matter.

And when she tries to stand up for herself, he makes up reasons why her opinions are unworthy of consideration and undermines her self-esteem (which sounds feeble to start with) and her sense of self-worth.

Despicable. And the OP will probably just keep taking it.

This makes me feel depressed and angry.

I now return you to more reasonable discourse, already in progress.

[/rant]
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  #12  
Old 03-25-2011, 12:02 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ambleew View Post
My husband refuses to let her go and said if she leaves there will be a huge chip on his shoulder.
So, now he's threatening you? Who needs that kind of bullshit? What a dick. You seem to be in an abusive relationship. I read your previous threads -- he forced a situation on you and expected you to be involved with this woman whom you are not even attracted to, throws a tantrum when you're not happy, and now gives you an ultimatum rather than consider your feelings. Why do you stay, really?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Penny View Post
her husband is a manipulative asshole and the OP is playing the doormat.

. . . it sounds like the husband has all the power, and the wife just rolls over and lets him treat her like her opinions don't matter.

And when she tries to stand up for herself, he makes up reasons why her opinions are unworthy of consideration and undermines her self-esteem (which sounds feeble to start with) and her sense of self-worth.

Despicable. And the OP will probably just keep taking it.
Agreed. I also got upset and felt anxiousness rise in me when I went back and re-read the OP's prior threads and this post. Ambleew, it makes me very sad that a woman is being treated like this and you are putting up with it. It sounds like a situation I couldn't stay in for one minute. I'd be changing the lock on the door or getting the hell out myself. Please open your eyes.
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Last edited by nycindie; 03-25-2011 at 12:10 PM.
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  #13  
Old 03-25-2011, 02:07 PM
yul yul is offline
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All I can say is that the balance seems to be out of favor for you.

Everybody should be either happy or comfortable..no?

You are not comfortable with this and seems like you are being very generous of your time/space.

I think you need some readjustment....


I am no pro...just common sense.
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  #14  
Old 03-25-2011, 02:33 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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I don't know... I just read the OP's first thread, and you were so head-over-heels in loooove with this woman and now you're all "Meh" about her... You were advised to slow down and not move her into your home, and you went ahead and did it anyway. Now what? I hate to sound like a jerk, but this is clearly a case of bed. made. lie. How is it that suddenly the husband is a control freak?

"If only the other people were here to give their side of the story".
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  #15  
Old 03-25-2011, 03:00 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
I don't know... I just read the OP's first thread, and you were so head-over-heels in loooove with this woman and now you're all "Meh" about her... You were advised to slow down and not move her into your home, and you went ahead and did it anyway. Now what? I hate to sound like a jerk, but this is clearly a case of bed. made. lie. How is it that suddenly the husband is a control freak?

"If only the other people were here to give their side of the story".
NeonKaos, you sure don't pull any punches, do you? I do like that. It's good to have a voice here that isn't going to coddle or soften the blow.

Interesting point. I had not read her other threads, and so was not aware that her initial reaction to this woman was so warm. This thread makes it seem like her husband was the one calling all the shots from the start.

Still, the "chip on shoulder" and "PMS" remarks from the husband are pretty standard controlling maneuvers, but in light of the shifting attitude between threads, I can see how there might be more than one side of the story.

I suspect the OP might be a "pleaser" and deluded herself into thinking things were hunky-dory when they weren't. This ties in with the low self-esteem, and acting like a doormat business. Then turning around and being the martyr fits this set of behaviors.

This does not change the fact that she is in a situation which is making her unhappy. She has not specified how they were "working on it" other than implying that she's been bullied (or let herself be bullied) into just taking it.

The "bed. made. lie." philosophy doesn't work because she's just going to be miserable, and what's the point of that? I do agree she needs to take some personal responsibility here.

If the situation is as she portrayed, she still needs to man up and either assert her needs or GTFO.

None of this precludes the fact that her husband might in fact be a total asshole, but this leads me to question why so many women loooove the assholes and act all helpless and confused when assholes treat them like shit.
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  #16  
Old 03-25-2011, 03:11 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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ya, i guess bed-made without the lie would have been sufficient.

I'm not suggesting that OP should stay in a situation that is untenable. I'm simply pointing out that she had a part in creating it - regardless whether the other people are assholes or control-freaks or not.
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  #17  
Old 03-25-2011, 03:47 PM
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ambleew ambleew is offline
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You are all right to be honest. I know I am letting myself get "walked on" if those are the best words. He pretty much has given me no choice and if I say I want to leave he says "Well that's up to you". I thought our marriage was stronger than this. As far as a veto goes, we never really used that word, but he told me that in getting involved with someone else, I would always have the last say as I was his wife and he would never want our marriage broken up.

He DID say after I left for a couple of days that things would start changing. He would start spending more time with me and help more around the house. (Since I have been doing it all!) He wants to take me out tonight, just the two of us and she has been sleeping on the couch the past few nights. Things are very awkard with her and I right now. I hardly even want to talk to her because in a way, I resent her. I know that may be wrong, but what's going on with me and him is making me mad at her too. Of course my WHOLE family, friends and even his mother have encouraged me to leave him. How can I just walk out on my marriage when I still feel like there is something left to fight for?
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  #18  
Old 03-25-2011, 05:21 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ambleew View Post
... she has been sleeping on the couch the past few nights.
She doesn't even have her own room?!?
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  #19  
Old 03-25-2011, 05:40 PM
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Yeah, I feel sorry for the girlfriend. It's that thing where unicorns get shunted aside when the established couple has trouble.

It was foolish of her to move in under such circumstances. The whole thing is just ugly and sad.
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  #20  
Old 03-25-2011, 06:03 PM
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So, hey, wait a minute... I just read through the old threads... stuff is starting to sink in here...

This is the second girl? You were falling in love with the first girl and thinking about moving her in with you and she bowed out, right?

Then there's this second girl shortly thereafter, and you weren't as into her, and you're together for how long before you guys move her in?

You said she moved in to "help out financially." Who was helping who? Were you guys helping her, or was she helping you?

Either way this isn't the same thing as the girl you were going to help out because she actually needed a place to stay.

And you didn't even like this second girl very much from the beginning, am I right?

WTF were you thinking?!

It was totally stupid of her to move in with you two, but you guys are starting to show a PREDATORY relationship to these young women.

Not just your husband. You. Even if you are allowing yourself to be used, you are still allowing it, and you have a responsibility to this person. Even if the relationship isn't meant to be, even if you and your husband wind up together and she has to go, you have responsibility in part for her being there in the first place.

So, maybe you resent her, but you have (IMO) a moral obligation to be decent and kind to her, even if you can't stand her.

This is just ALL kinds of fucked up.

If this relationship ends, you guys need to take a long, hard look at yourselves before bringing another person into your lives.
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