Spreading the love around: does love lessen with more partners.

[LovingRadiance]

I find that having both of my beloved's in my life has increased my openness, closeness and bond with both of them. Time IS a topic that needs to be brought into the forefront, it CAN be an issue or you CAN use creative adaptive thinking to keep it from being an issue.
This weekend for example, GG is getting quality time with the kids while Maca and I spend Friday night together. Then, Saturday at noon, he's taking Sweet Pea (11yo) to a movie while Maca spends time with SaltyPea (15yo) and SourPea (3yo), SpicyPea and Ppea are going to see their grandparents and I'm going to tea with a friend. Then at 4pm we're all coming back together for dinner as a family. After dinner SpicyPea and I are walking down to a new dance class near our house to check it out, look at pricing etc. Saturday night after we return from the dance class GG and I will have our time curled up together until late Sunday morning.

Simple? No, quality time for everyone? Absolutely.

Originally Posted by nycindie

So... basically, as I see it, allowing in love from multiple partners potentially enriches one's life, but need not be a replacement or at the expense of any of the other partners.

I really liked your workbook analogy. It's so fitting for my life right now, but also-so very true!

Originally Posted by RobFire

Even if it's the non-sexual activity time, spending time as a whole can offer the opportunity to enjoy the company of more romantic lovers as well as forge new friendship bonds and further open up the channels of communication that are so critical to any relationship.

This is key for me. If a person doesn't want to spend time with my family-they're never going to be a dating option for me. Just won't happen. Of course I spend one on one time with each of my HETEROSEXUAL male lovers alone. I want and need that, so do they.
BUT-if they can't handle spending non-sexual time together, well, they're going to lose out on time with me-just like any other person who doesn't want to spend time with my family TOGETHER is going to lose out on time options.

Originally Posted by preciselove

Pe "Open poly" people in my opinion seem to have a rather low barrier to entry. "You're ok with my lifestyle and my existing partner(s)? Wassup new boyfriend, let's have sex and see how it goes". Wooo NRE!!! A month later it's someone new. That's just my experience though.

LMAO-I'm very picky and that would certainly not work for me. But, it didn't stop my from lmao over the way you wrote it.

I've met many people in the poly-arena who have the attitude that they WANT a long-term, permanent partner.. and yet, they're just jumping from one NRE high to the next with no seeming awareness that they aren't finding what they want because they're too busy getting high.

[GroundedSpirit]

Hi Precise,

Ok - this is good...............

There's parts of your post that are following......others taking off on their own

Such as............

Originally Posted by preciselove

........ If they have spent many years finding the right partner they will of course be upset if they have no alternative or lesser alternatives. Your conclusion that all lovers are equal is quite politically correct but doesn't have much association with reality in my mind.

Ok - so "reality" to you would be living in an ideal world - where all our wants were met - and also the #1 priority for everyone we are in some relationship ?

Now it would seem to me (just lil ol me) that the foundation here is heavily rooted in that concept of "right" partner, - everyone else being 'lesser'.
Hmmmmmm.............
Maybe this is REAL to you. I'm just glad it's not to me !

There was never any assumption that all "lovers are equal" as you say because I don't believe in equality ! But I do believe in uniqueness And if you haven't notice by now - being "politically correct" is pretty near the bottom of my priority list lol


The rest of this stuff.................well - maybe later.....
GS

Originally Posted by preciselove

That's even to say that all people want to have multiple "secondary" partners, or people they don't trust down to the bone. Every random or semi random sexual encounter you have puts you at risk of numerous diseases, regardless of protection used.

"Open poly" people in my opinion seem to have a rather low barrier to entry. "You're ok with my lifestyle and my existing partner(s)? Wassup new boyfriend, let's have sex and see how it goes". Wooo NRE!!! A month later it's someone new. That's just my experience though.

[Ariakas]

Originally Posted by preciselove

Perhaps it's finding people that they find attractive. If they have spent many years finding the right partner they will of course be upset if they have no alternative or lesser alternatives. Your conclusion that all lovers are equal is quite politically correct but doesn't have much association with reality in my mind.

I would chime in here. I figured out a long time ago that love can in fact be equal (how do you measure love anyways, this is really just a working example) however the relationship may not. Regardless of how the love is, you are absolutely going to have differences in the relationship.

Primary and secondary are not, for everyone, measurements in love. They can be:

Based on time involved
Family involved
Responsibilities
etc
etc
etc

Anyways, thats my take, and thats not politically correct. Thats how I feel. ...

[Tonberry]

I think the workbook analogy might work fine for some situations, but not all. It seems to me to be closer to a secondary kind of thing (you can use the textbook without the workbook, but usually not the opposite).
I think I would prefer an analogy of two different textbooks.

[preciselove]

Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit

Ok - so "reality" to you would be living in an ideal world - where all our wants were met - and also the #1 priority for everyone we are in some relationship ?

Now it would seem to me (just lil ol me) that the foundation here is heavily rooted in that concept of "right" partner, - everyone else being 'lesser'.
Hmmmmmm.............
Maybe this is REAL to you. I'm just glad it's not to me !

I'm along the lines of Ariakas that I believe love is equal. However love isn't the only part, or even the biggest part of a personal relationship.

Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit

There was never any assumption that all "lovers are equal" as you say because I don't believe in equality ! But I do believe in uniqueness And if you haven't notice by now - being "politically correct" is pretty near the bottom of my priority list lol

Ok, my assumption was a little wrong, sorry about that. But I still don't believe you can find a replacement for what you are missing simply by finding enough unique people, at least not in all cases.

I read poly stories where people say "I'm not interested in Cars like my partners new girlfriend is, so they have that kind of interest whereas I don't. It's good my partner can talk about cars with someone they like." Interests alone are things friends are for, I have many people I can relate to through my interests yet it doesn't mean I want to sleep with them, or be closer to them.

A lot of poly people seem to be of the mindset "if you're honest with what you're doing it's fine" and I agree. However to me you need to SELL me on why I should give a close part of myself away to someone. Just because we have a few shared interests and you're attractive isn't a reason to me. Am I missing out on some sex? Yes. But to me it's not enough motivation to constantly put myself under disease risk or give others a part of myself I like to keep special for my loved ones.

I just see a lot of lovey dovey crap with people trying to justify and rationalize the sweet taste of poontang. I just don't see why people do the logical gymnastics to support their lifestyle if its like that, just come out and admit you want some regular, casual sex and be done with it. I feel they aren't really being honest with themselves or their partners when they just throw everything under the "love" cloud - "oh yeah that boner in my pants I just got for that girl is love baby, and remember polyamory is about sharing the love" .

[LovingRadiance]

Originally Posted by Ariakas

Primary and secondary are not, for everyone, measurements in love. They can be:

Based on time involved
Family involved
Responsibilities
etc
etc
etc

Anyways, thats my take, and thats not politically correct. Thats how I feel. ...

Get out of my head Ari! (j/k, you can stay, I enjoy the company)

[HappiestManAlive]

I didn't read everything, sorry - but my answer is short and simple for once...

Is the love diluted? NO. Quite the opposite.

TIME - different matter completely. There are only so many hours in a day and days in a week. One on one time is DEFINITELY diluted, and it takes a lot of getting used to.

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by preciselove

If there is a time limit on love, then how would you know you have infinite love? You haven't been able to reach the point of saturation yet due to time constraints.
.......Tell me how many people you could handle in a close relationship? You seriously believe if time was infinite your brain could hold all the information needed for 20, 50, 100, 1000 people? Let alone an infinite amount......Not only would time need to be infinite, so would the brain's storage. Basically saying love is infinite is a cop out in my opinion because it will never happen while we are humans and have a 4th dimension called time. "Love is infinite" seems like the war cry of NRE addicts trying to rationalize why they need to have a new boyfriend/girlfriend every month.

I think you missed my point here. I love every one of the partners I have had throughout my life. They each hold a special place in my heart and that will never change. When I see them again I am flooded with that love. In the mean time it comes up when I think of them. I don't need to see them to feel it.

Same as with my partners now. I don't have to be near them to feel love for them. I find that time with them is a precious commodity and that is worth savouring and being grateful for, but that is not a direct correlation of how much I love a person.

If spending time with someone indicates love then that is a personal believe, I think, not a world belief. My love language does not tell me that I need to spend time with those I love to feel loved and to give love. Some of theirs do, sure and we make attempts to make sure that time is spent as often as possible. I would hazard a guess, as an example, that Leo does not equate love with time... PN and Mono both do. Derby does too I think, although perhaps not as much, or maybe we have adjusted to suit the situation we are in. I don't know, she could answer that more for herself I think...

I have handled and do handle the love of hundreds of people. I don't know intimate details about them and I don't pretend that I am close to them either, but again, as I have said in previous posts, I think this is about definition here,,, or description of how one personally loves. I don't seem to love the same way as you do preciselove. Your love is perhaps more precise mine is perhaps more expanding.

As for an NRE cop out... well maybe for some. I have certainly heard people here say that they loved someone more in a one night stand of fucking than other lovers they have been with for a longer period of time.

I personally don't see how you could know someone enough to warrant anything other than a chemical reaction, but that is largely due to the fact that "knowing everything (whatever that means)" is what makes me fall in love with someone... I have not experienced this in one night of sex. Sure, the sex can be good, but I have not left the next morning feeling love for them... but then that is me and perhaps NRE junkies get that and are addicted to that and that is how it is for them. It sounds like it could be true for them rather than a cop out.

[RobFire]

Originally Posted by preciselove

I just see a lot of lovey dovey crap with people trying to justify and rationalize the sweet taste of poontang. I just don't see why people do the logical gymnastics to support their lifestyle if its like that, just come out and admit you want some regular, casual sex and be done with it. I feel they aren't really being honest with themselves or their partners when they just throw everything under the "love" cloud - "oh yeah that boner in my pants I just got for that girl is love baby, and remember polyamory is about sharing the love" .

I do not see any more a need to justify "poontang" as I would see a need to justify scrapbooking or racquetball.

If you break it down, making a new, close friend has few real differences to making a new, close lover:

• Both can take time away from your primary lover
• Both can have activities that include your primary lover
• Both can involve complex emotional issues

The only real core difference is sexual interaction. Let's reword some of your statements using the racquetball example:

Originally Posted by preciselove

I just don't see why people do the logical gymnastics to support their lifestyle if its like that, just come out and admit you want some regular, casual sex and be done with it.

might become:

I just don't see why people do the logical gymnastics to support their sport activities if its like that, just come out and admit you want some regular, energetic racquetball play and be done with it.

and:

Originally Posted by preciselove

I feel they aren't really being honest with themselves or their partners when they just throw everything under the "love" cloud - "oh yeah that boner in my pants I just got for that girl is love baby, and remember polyamory is about sharing the love.

might become:

I feel they aren't really being honest with themselves or their partners when they just throw everything under the "exercise" cloud - "oh yeah that excitement I express for my racquetball partner is my love for fitness, and remember friendship is about sharing activities.

The hang-up here is sex. And yes, sexual diversity can be VERY rewarding. I do not think you'll find many people on here to argue against that.

It's also not everything. Nor is it something that *needs* justification. Nor does its presence *need* to be separated from relationships or love.

[HappiestManAlive]

^ "like"