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  #41  
Old 12-20-2010, 04:25 PM
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Sorry to hear this Flamekat
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  #42  
Old 12-20-2010, 04:51 PM
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Thanks Mono.
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  #43  
Old 12-20-2010, 06:51 PM
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I've got no advice. but I have a lot of hugs and sympathy.
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  #44  
Old 12-20-2010, 06:58 PM
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Thanks WhatamIdoing...

Its all hurting pretty bad right now... hugs truly appreciated
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  #45  
Old 12-20-2010, 08:07 PM
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There was something else K said that has been niggling away at me - and I would like to ask for opinions or thoughts on how to view this...

Basically he said that my continuing to push at getting a response that will satisfy me would be, in his opinion, me pushing for the relationship... that he sees it as me fighting for the relationship with T more than I would for my relationship with him...

I see it this way... In my opening up and talking through everything with him, by letting myself be vulnerable and be in this much pain I AM fighting right now for my relationship with him... I sometimes feel it is unfair of me to subject him to the pain I am going through, that it would be better off all around if I lock it all away inside me and walk away from both him and T...

The comparison he sees, to me, is flawed - he doesn't see the dedication to him I am showing every single day, he sees me hurting over the loss of T...

I am not wallowing in my grief, I am still being loving, and considerate, when inside my heart is screaming its head off - at the same time as it is feeling loving towards him... I AM bloody fighting for what we have... any outward movement I make towards T is to alleviate the worst of my pain, not to fight for the relationship, although in effect it does do that as well.

I am just not sure how to move forward right now, and think it unfair that I should have all the answers immediately...
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  #46  
Old 12-20-2010, 09:56 PM
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Hey Kat, I just read through all this... So sorry to hear that things have spiraled into such an unfortunate situation.

I think sometimes men cannot help but compare, it's sortof in our nature. This can especially be the case with very very good friends who are similar in many ways. Competition can be intrinsic. Perhaps from K's perspective, he's wondering what your reaction would have been had things gone the opposite way. If he had left you, and you were still with T. Maybe he can't help but wonder.

Also, surely he's going though some shit too, having lost one of his best friends of many years. Maybe discussing it is painful for him, for this, or maybe even both reasons. Perhaps he thinks you haven't noticed that this is hard for him too.

You may want to give it time and just see what happens, as tough as that may be to do. If T experiences a change of heart, maybe he'll reach out to you and K. If not, then time heals all wounds - don't let losing one lover cost you the other.

Good luck.
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  #47  
Old 12-20-2010, 10:11 PM
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Thanks SS

That is very much likely what K is feeling/thinking. we have discussed it to a certain extent - and I know he can't feel what i feel and so can't have the same 'knowing' that I do of how I would respond... but to me I know he trusts me - but at the same time - he doesn't.

The other part of what bothers me in myself about all of this is the 'ownership' aspect of this... I don't have a better word to describe it so excuse me if I offend anyone with it...

I don't ask either of them to share themselves with anyone else (though they would of course be free to) - I ask that I be able to share myself as I see fit, as I am happy with...

Surely that should be my choice? I don't understand how it diminishes what I give? I think my biggest problem is I simply do not understand their point of view - I have never been in this position, so have never confronted this issue before...
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  #48  
Old 12-21-2010, 06:23 PM
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Hi Kat,

Just finished reading ... Here's my crack at advice. It seems like you could be in danger of losing your K because you can't stop worrying about T. T has made it abudantly clear that he needs space, quite possibly forever.

So, when you push at the wall he has erected, you are damaging yourself and in doing so, are less useful in your discussions with K. This statement of yours spoke to me ...

Quote:
I ask that I be able to share myself as I see fit, as I am happy with...
I used to subscribe to this belief, and in a perfect world, I think it would be a glorious things. Your interactions with others would only enrich you, which would then enrich the lives of others you spend your time with.

However, we are far from a perfect world. The one-sided interactions you have with T are affecting K. You are emotionally drained and who has to deal with that? K. Not T, but K.

I feel for you, as I am someone with the potential to worry over an issue constantly until I've driven others mad, or contented myself with a resolution. It's not pretty. So I recommend (and it will be hard) deleting T from MSN and removing your access to his FB page. Block him if you need to. Because trust me, trying to interpret the meaning (if there is one) behind his picture/status updates is only going to cause you harm. And if it harms you, it harms K.
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  #49  
Old 12-21-2010, 06:38 PM
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Hey TP - Thanks.

I hear you loud and clear, I don't know if I have the strength to do that... I will certainly be thinking long and hard about it.

T has removed his Facebook and MSN Pictures again anyway. I was clear in the letter they were having an effect on me...

I have a lot of thinking to do and my world is about to get mondo busy again

Wishing for a fairy godmother to make it all work right somehow
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  #50  
Old 12-21-2010, 07:17 PM
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I should also say that that particular issue is a huge one for me personally...

In my previous marriage... my ex wanted me to be the perfect everything - kinda like a trophy wife type thing. If I failed... I would be punished... and I always failed at something... I was always pushed 'back into my box'... forced to be his idea of wife (whatever that happened to be at the time - it would change regularly)....

To say I am struggling with my identity would be putting it mildly... all of this, has actually helped me to shape what Mono termed 'footings'... my personal wording for this post would be the bones in my spine - everytime I learn something new about myself my back gets a little stronger... my body a little more defined from the amorphous blob it currently is (pleasant image huh )

A lot is going on for me... but it is simply my life, resolution may never come - but there is something here I need to learn - otherwise it wouldn't be happening... now... to figure out the right question so I can see the answer
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