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  #31  
Old 12-10-2010, 05:08 AM
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Hi Flamecat- hope that he decides to start looking at some of the issues that are coming up... denial is rather painful for those who are trying to be aware and make changes...

Mono is a great source of support for a lot of mono folks. I can't speak for him, but I would certainly be willing to talk to him as I have some grasp on what goes on in a mono/poly relationship having talked about it for the last two years almost daily...

Anyway, if I can help, I will give it a shot. It would be best if he did a bit of a search on here first though.
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  #32  
Old 12-10-2010, 05:14 AM
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Originally Posted by FlameKat View Post
those of you who are mono and willing to chat to him if he does sign up please welcome him if/when he does - or maybe let me know who you are so I can nudge him in your direction?
I'm always available on here or in PM. I'll offer whatever support I can from my perspective if it is relevant to what he is feeling....which would be for him to decide
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  #33  
Old 12-10-2010, 05:42 PM
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Thanks guys, I will be sure to let him know...

I am having the letter sending talk with him (*shamed head - va text...) we have too much stuff to do in the evenings to really chat about this stuff, I only have a few weeks left before I am gone for another year and I hate using up our precious time together with hurt...

sigh... discussing the possibility of T starting to communicate again... he wants there to be no contact between T and myself unless he is involved... not sure exactly what he is meaning by that... and feeling rather untrusted and controlled by that idea...

what a mess...
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  #34  
Old 12-12-2010, 08:06 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FlameKat View Post
Thanks guys, I will be sure to let him know...

I am having the letter sending talk with him (*shamed head - va text...) we have too much stuff to do in the evenings to really chat about this stuff, I only have a few weeks left before I am gone for another year and I hate using up our precious time together with hurt...

sigh... discussing the possibility of T starting to communicate again... he wants there to be no contact between T and myself unless he is involved... not sure exactly what he is meaning by that... and feeling rather untrusted and controlled by that idea...

what a mess...
I don't think I would be comfortable having all my contact with someone monitored.....
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  #35  
Old 12-14-2010, 05:40 PM
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Just sent the letter to T

Sorted out the contact thingy - he wants me to be able to talk to him about anything we (me and T) discuss... this was an issue before as T was disclosing some personal issues that he was having to me, but not to K, and I felt a need to respect his personal boundaries - however that became a problem when I had difficulty remembering which issues were ok to talk about and which weren't (I also suffer short term memory loss) and resolved my dilemna by making any personal topics offlimits.

because of that - I would have made that a clear consideration anyway - that i be able to talk to either of them about whatever I want...whether personal to themselves or not... if I am needing to talk about it then I should be able to do so with the people closest to me that I trust...

This is now a comfort level thing for me - as I mentioned before - I have a real need for my private communication to be private... I shouldn't have to discuss it... however I see the sense in being this open... it is just hard for me to actally be that open in my communications... whereas I am fine in person (LOL sometimes too fine with way too much info ) is a new lesson for me to learn...
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  #36  
Old 12-20-2010, 03:41 PM
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T finally responded to the letter...

"Unfortunately I know that I cannot have the type of relationship you dream of nor even a friendship with boundaries as we are well past that..."

I am gutted.

The pain I have caused everyone that I love overwhelms me. The loss of such a deep friendship... I am not even feeling the true depth of that pain yet.

K said that he believes we might be coming to an end, he is starting to think he was meant to be the 'conduit' for me to meet T, that I am meant to be with T, not him.

The sheer pain of those words... I have felt like a deer in the headlights ever since he uttered them, despite that he reassured me he would be sticking by me through anything.

I am completely lost right now... words of advice are really really welcome right now...
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  #37  
Old 12-20-2010, 04:01 PM
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Oh flamekat, I'm so sorry *hugs*

Maybe a little bit of time and patience and keeping things light will help him process and find it in his heart to be friends...?
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  #38  
Old 12-20-2010, 04:05 PM
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Oh flamekat, I'm so sorry *hugs*

Maybe a little bit of time and patience and keeping things light will help him process and find it in his heart to be friends...?
I so very much hope so...

It's the way he worded it that hurts me so... "as we are well past that", I cannot help but be severely hurt that it is easier for him to walk away from our connection, from the love we share... than to try and keep trying to find a balance we can all live with.
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  #39  
Old 12-20-2010, 04:13 PM
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That does hurt... but perhaps because you are past all that he will decide to make an effort after regrouping...

Maybe giving it all a break until after the holiday season will help. I don't know about you but I find it hard to deal with stuff at this time of year. It's a hard time yet a wonderful time for so many... is it possible to ask if you can just enjoy being friends until then? and talk about it if he wants then?
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  #40  
Old 12-20-2010, 04:24 PM
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I am in the last week of my stay here in Canada (I leave on Friday). It would hurt K so much for me to be dwelling on the loss of T. He is somewhat relieved by T's response - and knows and has admitted how very selfish that is of him... I don't think it's selfish, at least - not if he stops me from communicating or tries to make me feel guilty for being upset...

He (K) has said that he feels the matter is at an end, that T has been quite clear, and that if I push further he (K) would be incredibly hurt.

For me it is still unclear, I want to know does T mean never, ever or maybe after some time has passed we can look things over and see how we stand?

K thinks I will keep pushing until I get the answer I want - that T will be willing to try.

And I can't say that he is wrong... I don't think so - but maybe he is right about me... I am so very stubborn when things feel right. And a relationship with T feels SO right. at least the idea of it does...

How do I answer my questions? without causing more hurt to everyone? is it even possible or am I being incredibly selfish?
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