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  #101  
Old 03-28-2011, 07:29 AM
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FlameKat FlameKat is offline
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Default more waffle and a possible issue...

Have just been reading the 'coming out' thread pretty thoroughly... I have definite worries about the effect my telling the kids will have on them... but more to the point if I'm going to be out then I might as well be out fully. And that WILL cause problems.


Now I am not saying that I would want to come out to everyone in a big show or anything like that... but I do work on an honesty is best policy and I also do try to not hide things* (as mentioned previously in this thread) as it takes an enormous toll on me. Being open to some and not others would be confusing to me, particularly with the short term memory loss.

*not hiding things as differentiated from from not being ready/able to speak up about them*

Either way... If I am going to be out to my family I would appreciate being able to be out on my fb (as the girls are on there and would likely mention it on my wall (they have already outed me as gay and bi anyway... :P I may possibly be bi-curious with very much hetero leanings but definitely not gay ~ my teenage years were ... interesting times )

this will cause problems as I am pretty sure the kids dad uses my son's facebook to look at my page... I am also fb friends with some of WW's family... and a proportion of his friends/co-workers as well... I tend to be rather ouspoken and would likely become a bit of an advocate for poly via my page...

I think this would cause a great deal of distress for WW, and if I were not 'out' on fb it would cause in me some of the same feelings I am dealing with now - about not being able to communicate - only this time with anyone... about something important to me - right now it is my choice... if I were to come out to the kids... i would come out on fb as well... it is simply the way I am.

*just had another whatsamecallit (lightbulb over head moment)... forgotten the word... anyhoo... part of the reason I am unable to consider not being out on fb or in WW's world... is that in a sense... I have already lived a double life... as an abused wife.. I hid it for 15 years... and I am not comfortable with hiding any part of myself, if it is something I am hiding for another person to be ok? I'm not sure how exactly to express this thought... I hid the abuse because that made things ok for the ex - not for me, to hide the poly for WW, to make it ok for WW, not for me... would be a similar feeling to me... and something we need to discuss big time BEFORE I get on the coming out bandwagon - because that bandwagon is already building inside me. *please do comment on this one - need help with sorting this out in my head *

Will have another chat about this with WW tonight... there is no major rush on this one at the moment anyway... being able to see the various triggers and needs behind my feelings gives me that much distance for objectivity (at least for now )
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  #102  
Old 03-28-2011, 11:56 AM
bella123456 bella123456 is offline
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Unhappy

I'll comment, as you have specifically asked for comments. FK - I don't know your story too well...I think I've glimpsed it on occasion, so I could well be not quite on target with my comments.

I will start by saying I also left an abusive marriage, verbally and emotionally with pretty much only the odd touch of physical abuse thrown in for good measure. But, I think in terms of abuse, the question of physical vs emotional is really just two sides of the same coin.
I look back and about 5 years before I left I started looking for validation from my loved ones. The odd chat with a friend, the odd chat with my mum, trying to slyly work out if this shit went on in other people's lives. I slowly tried to expose what was going on in my life - A cry for help, yes - But a faint cry that was definitely tainted by my fears of repercussions.

I understand that abuse works best with no witnesses - It is dependant on closed doors, or on other people closing their eyes.

In my opinion coming out is very different. I understand not wanting to live a double life, and I can see why that pulls some triggers for you. But it could be more a case of your perception (in terms of double life) instantly linking (or triggering) "Danger, Danger" sirens in your mind, based on your past experiences ?

Potentially "hiding truth" links you, via your past experiences, to a position of vulnerability, hurt, pain and deep sorrow.

I think wanting to come out is commendable, and indicates you want to live openly and true to yourself. But I believe, in terms of hiding truth, it is actually a very different situation to that which abused wives (or husbands, or boyfriends or girlfriends) have in terms of hiding the abuse.

It's not only on a different page, it's in a different book in a different library. I would like to stress I think I understand where the parellels are coming from though.

The thing with FB is you can't really just talk to your mates. I have perhaps 60 friends on FB. How many would I choose to share intimate details of my life with ? Maybe 5.

It's not a medium that lends itself to you maintaining any control over your personal life. Do I trust the other 55 people with my personal journey in this world ?
No, I don't - They can look at my holidays snaps, but I won't share my personal philosophies or thoughts.
And I wouldn't want my ex husband knowing a single thing about my life. I don't like him, don't trust him. He's a scoundrel, in honesty. I'm fairly sure he would still hurt me if he could - he does take that opportunity if he sees it - can't say no to a bit of power...tedious really

I'd probably also explore FB settings to see if you can work out a way that your ex can't view your page through your son's account. Unless you're really concerned about your son and want to keep an eye on his FB activity...de-friend him.

Only two cents worth, hope I've not offended.
You sound fairly stressed about it all though - That's tough..

PS - I accidentally added a frown face and don't know how to get rid of it - Oops...

PPS - I'm not a fan of facebook other than for sharing general stuff. I don't mean to rant about it though.
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  #103  
Old 03-28-2011, 11:37 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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There is a way to lock out all sorts of details from people seeing-not only "ALL" people, but any single fb user as well.
I know-because I used it.

Furthermore-you could probably have one of your kids show you how to do precisely that-before anything is on there at all. Then you can play with the settings and get a feel for it before you make a decision.

I understand your "waffle".

I opted for being completely upfront and open on my facebook. The large majority of people I talk to on fb are my poly-peeps, so I didnt want to pretend to be something else.

At the same time, my husbands' nieces and nephews and cousins, aunts/uncles etc are all on there-and I don't feel like it's right for me to be the "educator" of other people's children.....

Ultimately-I decided that if their parents weren't monitoring their internet use-that was their problem. I don't add them as friends-but beyond that, they have parents, I have my own kids to keep track of.

In your case-you have the battle of custody-that's a nasty place for alternative lifestyles to get drug into.
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  #104  
Old 03-29-2011, 03:12 AM
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Thanks guys -

Bella - I did not mean coming out as in making a large announcement and displaying it prominently, I simply meant that I would be open about it - i.e as in I read an interesting article that mentions or is about poly living I may want to link it (currently I do not)... and would expect to be able to make vague status updates that may lead into a discussion about it if people asked.. certainly not being 'in your face' or anything like that.

LR - yes absolutely - except I don't want to have to lock out various people from bits and pieces of my life, they either accept me or they don't... meh it's a question that can wait for a little it's not overwhelming at this point as I have decided to wait for a bit.. any openness with the kids will happen naturally and of its own accord... and that will progress as WW and I are able to be natural with it... (don't need the kids to show me I do work on facebook and regularly update them to new features )

It's more an issue of: at this point it is my choice to stay "in the closet" as it were... when I choose to be open I will be open to everyone... my memory difficulties contribute to my need for a 'blanket' openness... until I/we make that choice consciously, WW and I will work on where we are with everything and how we each feel with being open to everyone... for me it will likely still need to be a blanket thing, but we will see how that works as we progress.
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  #105  
Old 03-31-2011, 04:03 PM
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Default Major rant>>>>

Soooo.....

WW has outed me to a work colleague/friend of his... he has been talking to this friend of his about the situation for a little while now, getting support and talking things through... but yesterday... he used the word 'poly'...

His friend essentially flew off the handle, said he had two friends that 'claimed' to be poly but it was all a cover for people who can't or who refuse to control themselves, who refuse to choose to love only one person, because anyone can be poly, but normal people choose not to hurt their partners... *paraphrasing from memory

Poor WW was left fumbling for a defense he is still trying to figure out and believe himself, and I am infuriated beyond belief that this person who barely knows me (been to his house once for a get together two years ago) would imply that I am choosing to hurt WW, simply because, in his opinion, I can't control myself, and simply because I choose to be honest about how I feel, simply because I cannot deny who I am as a person...

...At least I am NOT a lying, cheating, coward who goes behind my fiance's back... this path is rough and leaves us fucking raw to the bones... but is honest, and real and we aren't hiding from each other and pretending everything is ok... BECAUSE everything IS ok... and its ok because we are honest...

having said that... i am not enjoying the (beginning) trend of him losing friends because of me (not saying he's lost this one yet - but it doesn't look encouraging at this point)... and yeah I know, its not my responsibility how other people react - but if I hadn't found this out about me, we wouldn't be in this mess and we wouldn't be having all the pain and we wouldn't be facing the prospect of losing friends...

i'm just in a weak point where i want a fairy godmother to wave her magic wand and put WW and me in each others arms... at this point I would accept restrictions of an hour... this is so gruelling for us, and we are doing it with a 15? hour time difference... and no set date for when we are in the same place again...


sorry for the thought shifts... please do contribute - advice/thoughts/commiserations on this one would definitely be appreciated...
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  #106  
Old 03-31-2011, 04:56 PM
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Default I Love You My Goddess of the Pale Moon

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  #107  
Old 04-01-2011, 04:23 AM
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Carma Carma is offline
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I'm sorry for you that someone reacted so negatively and judgementally. We haven't had much success with the family members we've been outed to, so I know the feeling. I don't like to be defensive and I feel really bad for Sundance (my husband) when he feels backed into a corner too. We're trying to keep things private for now. That is hard for me, because I like to love out loud, and I want to be as authentic as I possibly can. But until we are more rock solid in our poly lifestyle, ourselves, I think it is better to keep it to ourselves as much as we can for awhile. We are still easily shaken by the opinions of others, because this is so new to us. But it has really strengthened our bond, supporting each other in it, and educating ourselves as we journey on. And -- at least we have this forum, where we can always find the love and encouragement we need!
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  #108  
Old 04-01-2011, 03:06 PM
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FlameKat FlameKat is offline
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Thanks Carma I've been reading your journey with interest ... everything we each experience in this process is so useful to everyone else at the very least so we know we aren't alone...
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  #109  
Old 04-01-2011, 03:56 PM
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FlameKat FlameKat is offline
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Was just about to turn in for the night when I realised I hadn't shared something that is important to the whole acceptance process... during our very long talk today/yesterday... it came out that WW is in 'One Penis Policy' mode... he stated unequivocally that he would be okay with me having a relationship with a women because it would be blatantly obvious she was providing me with something he could not (blatant being - biologically speaking) and vice versa.

So he is not actually against polyamory itself... he has an OPP in his head/gut... now I know I said I may possibly be bi-curious - but again it would be with a very special woman who just clicked... and frankly I had my 'lesbian experience' in high school and wasn't overly captivated by it - still friends with her btw. The point being that I am essentially hetero with no urge to deviate from that, so the OPP is a problem.

Gonna leave the thought there (It's 2am here) and head to bed... any thoughts/advice welcome...
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  #110  
Old 04-01-2011, 05:03 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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What I have been noticing, even in myself, is that women tend to have more issues with emotional connections and men with the sexual connections. My suggestion: Take the whole sex issue off the table for now. It appears that you need to be free to establish the emotional connections, is the sex absolutely necessary (at least right now)?

Over the years (after I got married), I found that I would sensor myself based on how I was "supposed" to act and feel. If anyone got too close, I backed away. As soon as I realized someone might think I'm flirting, even a little bit, I would shut down. What would my husband think, what would their wife think, etc? So nothing got beyond a casual acquaintance stage and this hurt me my more than I realized. As soon as I allowed myself the freedom to just be myself and feel freely, it was like a huge burden had been lifted. This also translated into being able to freely allow my husband whatever emotional connection he needed or had, which I had been fighting for years.

I haven't even broached the issue of sex with others yet, but I'm no longer afraid to bring up issues like, "your spending too much time with her (or even an activity) and I'm feeling neglected", etc. WW needs to be comfortable in saying "TIME OUT! I'm just getting the tired, cranky FlameCat, while this other person is getting happy, giggly FlameCat". I don't think many of us are comfortable doing this without feeling like we are being insensitive or demanding.
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