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  #91  
Old 03-04-2011, 05:40 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Thanks for your whole post Flamecat! Very strong and empowered... awesome! you are so right on all fronts. Good for you!

this quote is so helpful to me as a reminder. I appreciate it... I'm going on my first date with Leo tonight since our.... "incident." I will be thinking on this tonight as I assess where I am at in my body and mind. thanks.
Glad it helped you RP your posts have helped me so much its about time i said something helpful

LOL - we talked, and talked - well I typed, he listened and talked and i typed some more (bloody speech dysphasia... we tried a period where i refused to type when i was emotional in an attempt to force my self to speak... didn't work ) we are back to being on an even keel now... not moving forward yet but we have talked and that is key, and now we have a FlameKat MUST talk policy no more squishing down and sacrificing myself... that is enough for me for now I have too many issues to work through to contemplate any more than that at the moment anyway
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  #92  
Old 03-13-2011, 07:39 PM
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Default yet another whine

*sigh*

I suck at the whole not squishing myself down thing... I utterly loathe the thought of hurting WW consciously... as in - I know what I have to say will hurt him... so I don't say it.

So he doesn't know that I am struggling daily with the need to talk to T still... well he probably does realise it - just not the extent of the struggle, nor the degree of pain...

I decided last week that this need to communicate is like an addiction... (I quit smoking cold-turkey 2 years ago (after 16 years of smoking)... this theory doesn't seem to be helping... going by the last actual communication* (end of January) it would be 6? weeks... (before that Boxing Day... and before that mid November...) and the 'craving' is just as intense as it was then... and getting stronger... quitting smoking was so much easier.

*I am viewing the picture changing etc as similar to walking into a counter shop and seeing cigarettes over the counter... silently calling you to buy the pack and have another smoke...*

I get the feeling this approach isn't going to work for me either... and I have no faith in it anyway... If it were just an addiction surely the craving would be going away - or at least my attention would have switched to someone else... something somewhere would be different... but it isn't...

I don't remember exactly what I said to WW when he asked me, but the pain now is not much different than when T first left... I think it is a combination of getting used to the pain, and having some of the pain eased by T hanging around and his semi-admission that he loves me too.

AND I am fairly certain that WW is no longer even looking around in here as he hasn't commented on a single one of these posts since his last post. Not even in passing.

My inner bitch appears to be sulking... and I am not entirely sure of whether I should slap her in the face to get her roaring again or whether I should persevere a little longer with my addiction theory...
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  #93  
Old 03-14-2011, 06:36 AM
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So now I am at yet another stage of bitchiness in this ongoing quest to wrap my head around this thing that is but isn't....

I have decided that right now I am somewhat offended by the change in WW's attitude... 6 months ago he was very much... I can understand how he would fall in love with you, you are an amazing woman etc and so forth...

The picture now is that he is angry about it... very much a 'how he dare he' kind of attitude... a 'how could he do this to me' kind of thing...

I am rather offended that I am no longer thought of as being wonderful enough for someone other than him to fall in love with... it confuses me a fair bit actually... if I am not special enough for anyone else to fall in love with then what does that say about his love?? (Just to clarify - I KNOW WW loves me to beyond the nth degree... I am just saying I don't understand the thought process here, and am offended by the implication - even though it isn't the case)...

I am truly a headcase right now :P glad I have this spot to vent

*note - mods I am thinking it might be an idea to combine my two main threads into a blog with a new name... :P if thats okay let me know and I will come up with a new name for them
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  #94  
Old 03-14-2011, 06:46 AM
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Flamekat, just a note that I think is important. Feeling hurt or offended is a choice one makes. Think about it this way: someone could actually even try to hurt or offend you but it might not faze you, you could laugh it off if you look at something a certain way.

So when someone does something we view as offensive, we have a choice: feel offended or look at the behavior for what it is. If we try to see it from their point of view and cannot understand it, perhaps we never will. Or perhaps a conversation is called for.

However...

The important thing is to ask yourself:

What's the pay-off in feeling offended? What does going to that response buy you? We always have reasons for the choices we make, even if they're irrational and don't make sense to the conscious mind. So why feel offended? It would be very productive to explore that.

There's an exercise I was taught a long time ago: for one full day, every time you hear yourself complain or grumble about something, whether silently to yourself or aloud to others, add the words "and this is what I want" to the end of your complaint. Do that for a day and see what insights it brings you - you might be surprised!
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #95  
Old 03-14-2011, 07:14 AM
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Thanks NYC - I'll give it a whirl... I guess I wasn't clear enough in my post - I am not truly offended by the change in WW's thinking pattern... I know he is working through his own stuff, and what he is perceiving as betrayal? by T is where his thoughts are coming from... I wish he didn't see it that way but he does..

I was more offended by the concept behind that change and am well aware that that was coming from myself and the way I am/was thinking... I am learning I have incredibly derogatory self talk and a second guessing suspicious little mind... of which I can guarantee nearly 99.99% comes from my abusive marriage... The problem as I see it at the moment - apart from the conclusions I have drawn in the last few posts - is letting go of that self-talk... not easy as it is an almost 2 decade habit... thinking about myself in a positive manner - again not easy... my self talk includes lines like 'rat-faced, flat-chested whore'.. a direct quote from my ex btw... so I know where the talk is coming from... I just don't know how to stop it... I don't know how to get that scum out of my head. He's gone from my heart - dead/isolated... but his words are still in my damn head...
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  #96  
Old 03-14-2011, 07:43 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FlameKat View Post
my self talk includes lines like 'rat-faced, flat-chested whore'.. a direct quote from my ex btw... so I know where the talk is coming from... I just don't know how to stop it... I don't know how to get that scum out of my head. He's gone from my heart - dead/isolated... but his words are still in my damn head...
Aww, my heart goes out to you. I wish I could just tell you, "Stop that!" and it would work. Perhaps somehow, deep down, a part of you believes it. You could try substituting positives for every negative. Don't let yourself entertain those thoughts. Each time you start to call yourself that, short-circuit it with things like "beautiful, sensual goddess."

((((HUGS))))
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #97  
Old 03-14-2011, 07:51 AM
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Aww, my heart goes out to you. I wish I could just tell you, "Stop that!" and it would work. Perhaps somehow, deep down, a part of you believes it. You could try substituting positives for every negative. Don't let yourself entertain those thoughts. Each time you start to call yourself that, short-circuit it with things like "beautiful, sensual goddess."

((((HUGS))))
LOL... Thanks, hugs much appreciated...

I did snigger at the beautiful sensual goddess comment...

Normally I just try to remove any description of myself from my self talk... I have one photo taken in the last 4 years in which I can look at myself and say I can see the real me in it... look into my own eyes and see myself... and I find that sad. I rarely look in a mirror and while I do take care of my appearance I could do a much better job of it

Having said that... I do on the odd occassion catch myself being attractive (intellectually speaking)... and try to do that more often It's a strange thing to realise that people don't see me the way I see me... I become self-conscious in moments like that... I love it... but its weird

One day I will get there... (spoken like a true fan of "The Little Engine That Could")
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  #98  
Old 03-14-2011, 01:11 PM
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*mods* the two threads I want to combine are "Not sure of where to go from here..." and this one...

New name: Sifting through the ashes...

relocting to Life stories and Blogs please... thanking whoever does it
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  #99  
Old 03-20-2011, 06:28 AM
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Default crying out the pain... (lots of self pity - but i had to get it out)

Soooo.... my suckiness at not squashing myself down has reached new levels...

not really... I just am so used to putting everybody elses needs/wants before my own I appear to be somewhat incapable of even putting mine out near the radar detector...

my big wad of pain is back... triggered off by my eldest daughter... apparently I am not a good enough mum, i don't say what she wants me to say and nor do I do what she wants me to do... said she has a countdown for the day I move overseas... we are back on speaking terms after that (she's my daughter and needs me - what else can i do but take it) but the pain from that attack is welling up the pain from my marriage - not good enough/pretty enough/kinky enough/naughty enough/anything enough really... and the pain from discovering my poly-ness...

my fb status (made while inner bitch in force ):
Quote:
has had a gutful of people expecting her to act and be a certain way - sorry... i am ME. and as heartbreaking as it is, its okay if you aren't okay with who I am... because I know the truth about who I am and what I feel... one day you will see that too.


refers to my daughter and WW and T and anyone else who makes me feel there are expectations on my behaviour... why is it not good enough for anyone that I just be me?

It is such a huge struggle to feel 'good enough' or deserving, or any of the 'good about myself' things... I don't know what the result of this journey is going to be... I don't know anything at all... and it is so bloody scary delving into these dark places alone... WW isn't here with me - and I can't figure out whether that is because he doesn't want to be or because I can't ask for help... well I already know I can't/don't/won't ask for help... so I guess this is on me... I don't ask him because I don't want to deal with his hurt too, i accept the responsibility for all of it - even though just a few posts ago i said it wasn't mine... i still believe it is. and I would do anything to not hurt him, but i can't not be me... I think a huge part of the pain is hiding how I feel about T... just not being open about it - it so goes against my grain.. its not who I am to be careful about what i say to people, and before this blew up i was easy about saying that i love him (T) to people - even the kids... they didn't understand in what way (neither did I really) but i could still say it... now he's gone and we don't talk and the kids would figure it out and if I say it I will break down and create a scene... the kids have noticed I am different since I came back from my trip over there... more grumpy. distant. unavailable. are their words... it's not fair to them for me to be holding myself in, its not fair to me, its not fair to WW - so why am I doing it? because I am afraid. I am afraid of losing WW. I am afraid of losing the dreams and life we have built together... I am afraid of hurting my children and losing their trust (they are SO fragile) - I am afraid they will see me as disgusting/a cheat/despicable etc for hurting WW. I am afraid I will send my eldest into a meltdown... but I am quickly reaching my own meltdown point again... I just don't know how to deal with this.

and thats just the fear of being open about how I feel... let alone the fears that come along with the idea of trying to pursue a relationship with T (especially as he has made it abundantly clear that he feels it would not work and would be wrong)... would I be poly if it weren't for T - yes - would I actively look - no - would i get this screwed up about someone else - i really friggin hope not.

I simply do not understand this side of me.. I am usually a happy-go-lucky fun type, (not bubbly and ditzy - but fun)... easy come easy go kind of thing... I don't understand why I can't let go... I don't understand why I hurt SO much... (what's the attraction for me in banging my head against a brick wall...)

my own pain is almost a palpable thing to me now... how is it that i am so capable a soothing other people's pains and fears and helping them remove it from themselves - but can't do that for myself? what am i supposed to learn from this - other than it completely fucking hurts?

*RP - don't freak - it's just another meltdown moment for me - i will be good again in an hour or so... I just have to get it out...and I am going to direct WW to come here and read tonight... I checked his profile and it's been a month since he's been in here... and this seems to be where I do my processing so, as I can't easily talk about it... he's just going to have to read about it*

*WW - when you read this honey... its not because I can't talk to you that I write here... it's because I can't hurt you... I don't know if you will understand that but we can talk about it... I find it difficult to process my own tangents too when I am answering questions or explaining - it is easier for me to simply write it out and worry about explanations/questions etc afterward... and why here?
because there are (completely unbiased) people here that I trust to tell me if I am being a complete berk with my head up my arse... or to give me advice on how to handle some of this stuff...or give another perspective... plus I am here a lot reading the threads and trying to accept this... I know you feel that maybe this isn't who I am if I am having so much trouble with it - I look at it as I have seen myself - and what I saw doesn't fit in with the traditional stereotype - much as gay men/women experience when they realise their sexuality about themselves as already grown men/women - the difference being gay people now have a measure of tolerance and acceptance in the community... this is different from that. And part of it is also that I am thinking that maybe P sensed this about me, sensed the threat in it to him and that is why he treated me the way he did (yes I know - taking responsibility for more stuff that isn't mine to own - but that is what is running through my head - and making things so difficult for me on top of causing you pain... which is the chief thing that stops me from talking to you... i see the daily stuff you are dealing with and don't want to burden you... and I know that isn't fair... to either of us...)

I really am damaged goods.


*sorry for the length people...
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Last edited by FlameKat; 03-20-2011 at 07:29 AM. Reason: spelling/grammar/adding info....
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  #100  
Old 03-21-2011, 07:12 AM
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well... WW read the thread, he is now up to date with where I am. and seems to have drawn his own conclusions as to what is going on here for me.

He has been processing, just not in here... and not to the extent I would appreciate. His focus has been on the disasters and trauma going on around us on an almost daily basis at the moment. The emergencies are certainly stressful but they are a normal part of life here, so for me are dealt with as part of day to day routine (or seasonal routine), they do leave me with a heightened need for communication with my loved ones (ALL of them) though - much as anyone would feel. For me it puts my focus on those I am NOT in contact with on a daily basis as opposed to those I see everyday and know are okay.

So anyway, we still are in a bit of a holding pattern and he wants me to talk to my family about how I am feeling first... as he thinks the secrecy thing is a huge issue for me... I'm not too sure on this - I am planning to have some chats to two very close friends while I am down in Brisbane and hopefully catch up with Sage for a chat

Likely the talking to my mum and to the kids (just the elder girls) will help with alleviating the holding in part of what is going on for me. Just not being able to talk is a huge deal for me... and having it all out in the open will be painful and difficult but will I think be healing for us all. and I think it will help me in processing further how I am feeling with all the secrecy gone.

Not too sure how much detail to go with though... I will go with the flow when I do, of course, but not sure how much to start with and where to draw the line.
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