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Old 09-16-2009, 06:21 PM
DarkHorseJ27 DarkHorseJ27 is offline
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Default How to help other's overcome insecurity?

As mentioned before, the relationship between me and my wife, Lissy, and our friend, Miranda, seems to be going poly. The more we all talk to each other, the more and more I realize how much alike Lissy and Miranda are. But when talking in private to each, they share how scared they are of messing things up, since poly is new to all of us.

I can understand Miranda's perspective. She has never fallen for any one person like this, let alone two. And being the third isn't easy. But she doesn't have anything to worry about, she is a nice and wonderful person. Like Lissy, she gets insecure, but for the lack of a better word, she is more mature, being 13 years older. I tell her that Lissy and I love her too much for us to ever be mad at her, and that makes her feel better, but I can still tell she is insecure.

My wife Lissy is also insecure, but her fears are more founded in reality. She has a short temper, and when she is angry she doesn't care who she lashes out at. She's destroyed at least five friendships because of things she's either said or did when she's been mad. Combine that with that she can have a hairline trigger.

The other night all three of us were IM-ing each other. She wasn't talking much because she was to busy playing some game on Facebook. She has always had the problem with playing video or online games when she has time with other people. When we were dating she'd want to come over, but since she hadn't played video games yet that day, that is all she'd want to do, and I'd sit there six hours straight watching her play video games. Another time her cat was begging for her attention, but she completely ignored the cat because she was too busy walking her online dog. I had to tell four times before she paid any attention to the cat.

I said, "You need to spend time with people when you have it, and not waste it playing games when you have time with them. The games can wait till later." At that, she pullled out of the IM, and told me she hated both me and Miranda, that she doesn't love me, and we should go fuck off, etc., etc. Fortunately Miranda couldn't hear any of this, but she was worried she said something wrong because Lissy unexpectedly pulled out of the IM. I eventually got Lissy calmed down. But if we were all talking in person and this happened, it could have gone much worse.

I know why Lissy freaked out. You can say "You have to..." or "I'd like you to...." or "It'd be nice if...", but if you say "I need you to..." then she hears her mom talking and not anyone else, and she goes ballistic. The problem is its so easy to say that without realizing it.

Lissy is worried she'll mess things up, as she was attacking Miranda, and Miranda didn't do the slighest thing wrong, not even in Lissy's eyes.

Any suggestions on what to do?

Last edited by DarkHorseJ27; 09-16-2009 at 06:32 PM.
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  #2  
Old 09-16-2009, 07:05 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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I don't know, grow up maybe?

I mean we ARE talking about video games here, and most of us had mothers who nagged us from time to time.

I'd gladly give up video games forever if only I could hear my mother nag me one more time. I'd record it and listen to it over and over again. She died eight years ago.
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Old 09-16-2009, 08:53 PM
DarkHorseJ27 DarkHorseJ27 is offline
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The problem wasn't that she was playing video games, but that she won't have time for anyone or anything else when she does.

She's much better at that than she once was, but still a problem on occasion. The bigger problem is her blowups.
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Old 09-16-2009, 10:48 PM
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vandalin vandalin is offline
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Coming from someone who has a similar video game addiction, I can tell you that video games probably serve a purpose for her that she isn't getting elsewhere. A feeling of accomplishment instantly. Most offline games or projects take longer to get that feeling of accomplishment and so it is easy for some people to get drawn into the video games. Non-gamers don't always understand this. That feeling boosts our self esteem and makes us feel good, even if nothing in the RL gets accomplished. The FB games are also simple, routine, and usually mundane copies of eachother. If you can find something offline that the three of you can do together that has those similar attributes, that might help.

As for the temper, that is something that she will need to work on herself and something tells me that the "mother talking" may not be the normal nagging, yes or no DH? Has she talked to someone about her anger and temper and things she can do to try to control it better? I'm guessing that she realizes that she has a short temper and that it has negatively effected her life. Does she want to do anything about it or does she rely on those around her to "baby her"?

The only thing I can suggest you and Miranda trying is to do your best not to use the terms and phrases that set her off. It sounds like she has a problem with someone telling her what to do in a way, although if she doesn't have a problem with "have to" I'm not so sure.

Good luck.
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Old 09-17-2009, 12:12 AM
DarkHorseJ27 DarkHorseJ27 is offline
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She's not addicted to video games. She has ADD, and needs something that is quick and easy to keep her stimulated, and video games fit that bill. Just when she starts playing its hard to get her to stop. I know she doesn't want to waste the time she has with real people, but I understand how easy it is to go "just another 5 minutes" over and over again.

It used to be, in her mind, that "if they care about me they'll let me do anything I want" and she thought they would stick around waiting for her to get done, but she has long since realized other peoples' schedule can't revolve around her.

If she has something else to keep her sufficiently stimulated, and if she isn't playing them when she has to start something else, video games aren't a problem at all.

As far as "her mother talking" thing is concerned, the only thing you can't say is "I need you to..." or "You need to...". Nothing else hits the trigger. It doesn't matter who says it, she'll get angry. Her mom always told her that she needs to do this, she needs to do that, etc., and she hated it.

She does realize her temper negatively affects her life. She still has a short a fuse as before, and still gets just as angry, but she calms down much faster than she once did. However, it doesn't take long for the damage to be done. I don't do anything to baby her on it, and in fact I don't tolerate it. At the climax of her anger the only thing she'll respond to is someone that won't back down.
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Old 09-17-2009, 12:57 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DarkHorseJ27 View Post
I can understand Miranda's perspective. She has never fallen for any one person like this, let alone two. And being the third isn't easy. But she doesn't have anything to worry about, she is a nice and wonderful person. Like Lissy, she gets insecure, but for the lack of a better word, she is more mature, being 13 years older. I tell her that Lissy and I love her too much for us to ever be mad at her, and that makes her feel better, but I can still tell she is insecure.
Speaking as someone with experience of being a third, the insecurity doesn't always stem from a fear of rejection or fear of someone being mad at them. It can also stem from the general vulnerability of the position in the relationship. It can be about how decisions are made and who makes them. It can be about historical knowledge that the couple may have with each other that the third lacks. Basically, I'm saying it's not always about fear, but about lack of foundation.

As for the other issues, if there are triggers that run that deep and cause that much damage in her life then it needs to be addressed. That's simply not sustainable and honestly, I don't think it's terribly fair to subject an additional person to such instability. From what you've described in this and other posts, it seems like there's a lot of potential for things to blow up in a bad way.
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Old 09-17-2009, 12:58 AM
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ladyjools ladyjools is offline
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have you tried talking too Miranda openly about Lissys issues, the 3 of you sit down and explain that this is what happens and that you are working on it but that sometimes it can be a problem,

i only say this because if Miranda knows that Lissy can fly of the handle perhaps she won't take it so personally,



Jools
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Old 09-17-2009, 01:07 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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If she has ADD or whatever, then there are coping skills you can all learn to use, but everyone needs to be "on board" 100% and act like rational adults and want to MAKE it work.

Easier said than done, I realize that.
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Old 09-17-2009, 01:18 AM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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Lissy has anger management issues. Only she can decide when and how to address them, assuming she doesn't eventually get a court order against her taking the matter out of her hands. I hope for everyone's sake she will learn the necessary coping skills sooner rather than later.

With all due respect, Darkhorse, you have bigger fish to fry than the insecurity of your lovers. The much more pressing challenge, IMO, is developing strategies to effectively deal with Lissy's anger problem.

But that is not the problem you have asked for help with. In Lissy's case the insecurity issue is tied to the anger/self-control issue; working on the bigger problem should help solve the smaller problem. (And Lissy is correct: her failure to control her rage has negatively effected her life and will, in time, damage or destroy much of what is good in it. )

To help you positively address Miranda's insecurity issues, keep talking to her and demonstrating to her how important she is to you and Lissy. Talk, and talk, and talk some more, and does forget that actions speak louder than words.

Best of luck to you all as you find your way in all this.
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Old 09-17-2009, 04:55 AM
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Quote:
She's not addicted to video games. She has ADD, and needs something that is quick and easy to keep her stimulated, and video games fit that bill. Just when she starts playing its hard to get her to stop. I know she doesn't want to waste the time she has with real people, but I understand how easy it is to go "just another 5 minutes" over and over again.
My apologies, I wasn't meaning addiction as "get checked in to AA" type but just how you explained it. Once you start, it's hard to stop and it becomes the "5 more minutes" problem. I was trying to explain the draw for some people, but perhaps it is only the ADD that is appeased by her gaming.
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