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  #11  
Old 09-17-2009, 06:12 PM
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bring on jealousy! geesh... I have a poly friend that spends so much time skirting around the whole jealousy thing that I fear she is missing the power to release it has. It is worth feeling every bit of it because it's you gut telling you something. I don't know what that is for you, but if you allow yourself to feel it and ask for whatever you say to be taken with a grain of salt because you are just trying to figure out the root, then you will reach a higher knowing of yourself and your situation... perhaps even others. What better gift than jealousy! He is a lucky man to have a woman that can express her emotions at all! It seems he knows that and is patient about your ways of sorting things out for yourself.
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  #12  
Old 09-20-2009, 11:09 PM
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I think the jealousy part is working itself out a little bit....he told me some of the more intimate details of his date the other day (which included oral sex) and I didn't really feel that gut wrenching heartache I thought I would. I just sort of took it in stride. Meanwhile, we have come back together in our relationship and have really sort of started trying to resolve some issues. He has been spending a lot more time with me as well, so I feel he has really heard me this time and is attempting to make things work better. Our love feels stronger than ever!

What remains to be worked out is this other woman with whom he had a date - apparently her other bf is really jealous too and reacted very strongly when he found out about the intimacy. I think what is going to have to happen is a "double date" to get everyone introduced and see how things pan out. I am not sure if I feel strong enough to meet her face to face yet, but what helps is knowing I am not the only one dealing with jealousy and uncertainty (the other bf is dealing with this stuff too).

The other issue is this second woman he is involved with that I really do not feel comfortable with. She is very young and it just seems to me that she is really all about playing around and messing with a lot of guys...she doesn't seem serious at all and Nick even told me that she stood him up once and that he had some uncertainty about her degree of honesty. I don't like the idea of Nick getting physical with someone like that. I asked him to put that relationship on hold for now until we get this other stuff sorted out, but he pretty much refused. I don't know if it is reasonable for me to ask that of him or not...
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  #13  
Old 09-21-2009, 07:11 AM
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I asked him to put that relationship on hold for now until we get this other stuff sorted out, but he pretty much refused. I don't know if it is reasonable for me to ask that of him or not...
Uh, ya... reasonable and a bit of a warning sign...

In case you haven't already read my rule?
I totally go by the idea that things should move as fast as the one that is having the issues... if it isn't then it usually all blows up in everyone's face if someone feels pushed to accept and feel safe within the situation at hand before they are ready (putting the whole thing back a few steps or more) .

Yup, I think he needs to slow down and remember that he is not in this alone and not a free agent that can do whatever he wants.
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  #14  
Old 09-23-2009, 12:44 AM
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Uh, ya... reasonable and a bit of a warning sign...

In case you haven't already read my rule?
I totally go by the idea that things should move as fast as the one that is having the issues... if it isn't then it usually all blows up in everyone's face if someone feels pushed to accept and feel safe within the situation at hand before they are ready (putting the whole thing back a few steps or more) .

Yup, I think he needs to slow down and remember that he is not in this alone and not a free agent that can do whatever he wants.
See that's what bothers me! His gf#1 bf has asked him to NOT have sex with her for a while, and he told him (and in the same thread told ME) that he is "a grown man who can decide for himself when and if he has sex". To me, this is pure selfishness when you are involved with more than one person and sort of a childish reaction to someone requesting a little respect and elbow room. On one hand, he has said he is waiting to have sex with gf#1 because of me and the other bf (even though his attitude clearly says it's begrudgingly), but he won't give me the same grant with gf #2 who has no other lovers. WTF, man? Is it because in the first situation it's two against one??

I really get frustrated when he is so stubborn, but at the same time, when I think if someone was trying to tell me I couldn't have sex with someone, I would be a bit annoyed maybe - I don't know it depends on who it was. Like for example, if "Nick" told me I couldn't have sex with someone I met because he wasn't ready for me to get into that sort of situation yet, I feel I would respect his request (depending on the reason and ultimately depending on our conversations about it). But since he has always told me that he would not put constraints on my relationships (if I had any) I don't think he would ever ask that. It's hard for me to put myself in his shoes and see where he's coming from.

It doesn't seem like a very fair thing to do, poly or not, to have sex with someone, then tell your partner later on....isn't that the same as cheating? But when I have asked him to keep me informed, he said sometimes the moment just comes up to have sex with someone and he wants to be open to that moment happening sometime in the future, and did I want him to call me at that moment and say "i'm about to have intercourse just thought you should know"..?

I guess his way of informing me of his sexual activities is by telling me he is "planning on having sex"???

I am so confused about the logistics of all this....what do other people do when a new person enters the situation?
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  #15  
Old 09-23-2009, 12:50 AM
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It doesn't seem like a very fair thing to do, poly or not, to have sex with someone, then tell your partner later on....isn't that the same as cheating? But when I have asked him to keep me informed, he said sometimes the moment just comes up to have sex with someone and he wants to be open to that moment happening sometime in the future, and did I want him to call me at that moment and say "i'm about to have intercourse just thought you should know"..?

I?
Poly is not an excuse to capitalize on every chance to fuck you can. Apparently that is how it works for him. Yes, that is cheating unless otherwise worked out in your boundaries. Move on is my advice. He's not polyamorous, he's polyfucking and you should find someone who fits for you.
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Old 09-23-2009, 03:51 AM
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Are you saying you want to know before he has sex with women he is already involved with? Or new women coming into his life that you don't know about yet?
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  #17  
Old 09-23-2009, 10:23 PM
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Ok yes, back up a second. No, he is not talking about acting in the moment to fuck any random person. He is talking about acting on the moment with the two women he is already involved with. He has told me that he intends to have sex with both of them "at some point"...I have asked him to NOT have sex with girl #2 at this time because I want to get a grip on girl #1 first, then go from there.

So, no, he is not out screwing every thing that comes his way. He is talking about being in an intimate situation with the girls he is currently dating that I already know about, and having things go to that level of intimacy and feeling free to have intercourse if it comes up.

What I am confused about is this: Since he has already told me that he plans to have sex with these girls, is that it? And then just one day he will say, Oh I had a date with girl#1 the other night and we had sex. I suppose I should be asking him this......

I guess what I am wanting to know is what are your experiences when it comes to A) meeting someone new and having an interest in pursuing them to B) letting your current partner(s) know you have met someone new to C) negotiating how, when, frequency, etc of dating said new person to D) deciding you want to get physical with them and letting your current partner(s) know this to E) having sex with the new person. Obviously there is no set sequence of events, everyone is different, and it requires talking talking talking to everyone involved.
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  #18  
Old 09-24-2009, 01:55 AM
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OK, so things are a bit clearer for me now! I think that by accepting his relationships from a dating poly perspective, there has to come a time where you let go of the fact that they will have sex. These are intimate relationships that you are aware he will pursue.

He has been honest with his intentions and, as long as your health is not at risk, this is an expected next step I believe. It would be hard for anyone to maintain a relationship with indefinite celibacy in this instance. That being said if the other women's partners also have issues it will have to be negotiated on their end.

If you are not comfortable with the inevitable sexual aspects of his poly relationships with others, than again you might consider finding a more fitting partner for yourself.

It's ok to let go and keep his friendship. If your heart is not in this it will tear you apart.

Take care
Mono
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  #19  
Old 09-24-2009, 05:28 AM
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To answer your question... I really don't think there has a been a time where I have said, "okay this person is new." I have always kept everyone in the loop when I met anyone, or am interested in someone regardless of where it is heading. That way if the relationship heads down the path of intimacy then there are no surprises. The rest is really just up to the individuals involved and becomes evident with time.
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  #20  
Old 09-24-2009, 06:05 PM
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I discovered that yesterday when talking with Nick - he said the same thing that I need to accept that fact that this is what poly relationships entail: sex and intimacy. So in a way, I think that is the thing that needs to click into place for me. We had a long talk yesterday and I was sort of upset because he wouldn't put the 2nd girl on hold, and he said he is already basically IN a reltionship with her, (a fact that I was aware of, but in denial about) I realized how unfair my request was.

Apparently gf#1 - her bf is having some real issues and is very angry. Nick told me today that the bf has asked to talk to me, I'm not sure what he wants to talk about, and Nick insinuated that we could have a bitchsession. I am NOT about that, I told him. What issues I have I can talk about, and relay knowledge to him but I am not going to bitch about stuff with this guy - all that does is create a cycle of negativity. I am hoping he just needs some support from someone in a similar situation, and is not wanting to conspire to break things up.
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