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Old 04-29-2015, 12:03 AM
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Halcyeus Halcyeus is offline
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Default Those strange patterns in your dating history

I know we've all had them, i.e. those strange patterns in your dating history that can't be explained. Post 'em here!

So, after getting to know someone I've started dating a bit better today I found out they struggle with impulse control issues concerning sex. This is the third person in a row I've met and started something with to discover they have this problem. The odds of this happening must be very high! Its bizarre. I met them all in considerably different circumstances and in outward appearance there was no hint they might have this trait. I've also never come across this in partners before now. Only one, the most recent person, considers themselves non-monogamous/poly so its not like that is a factor I can point to.

So weird.
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Old 04-29-2015, 02:40 AM
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My birthday is on a 17th. My ex husband bday is on a 17th (we got together when we were 17 on September 17 and so we got married on Aug 17)

Nate's bday is on a 17th, I dated a guy who's bday is on a 17th, and Sam's bday is a 17th.

Oh and my ex husband and nate both had girlfriend's with my birthday.
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Old 04-29-2015, 10:14 PM
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17! my favorite number.

The only strange pattern in my dating history is that I've dated very little. But I can largely explain that by the influence of the church which made me feel very uncomfortable about, well, girls.

But I guess that wouldn't explain why I don't date at all now that I have left the church. I guess I found my perfect match just in the nick of time.
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Old 04-29-2015, 10:34 PM
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This is about much more than the type of person to whom one is attracted. Usually what we think is a pattern in our partners, that we keep coming up against again and again, is actually a pattern in our own behavior, based on some belief we have. What is necessary is to be very self-aware, so we can recognize when we are seeking out the same or similar dynamic in a relationship again, or creating it where it does not exist.

For example, I have a very deep-rooted belief that "all men leave." This sort of belief was probably established before I could even talk, so it isn't going away. I come from several generations of women who were all abandoned either by their fathers, husbands, or both. This is what I observed, and what I believed about relationships between men and women. Eventually, the man will leave me. Coexisting with that, is another belief that was also ingrained in me at an early age, which is "without a man, I am nothing." Again, my observations at an early age that a woman is nothing without a man. And yet, all men leave, don't they? These two beliefs are very much at odds, but they are both there, running silently in the background. Those beliefs will always be there, because by the age of about seven, let's face it, the cake is baked and we've already made decisions about how to navigate the world based on our observations.

The key, for me, is to recognize when I am letting those beliefs run my life -- and when I see that, to stop doing that, to stop investing in those old beliefs. Am I pursuing a man who wants nothing to do with me? Am I pursuing someone just not to be alone? Am I looking for some kind of approval from a man, or from others because I "have a man" in my life? Am I unconsciously pushing away a partner who really loves/likes and cares about me, out of an inherent need to justify my belief that men won't stick around? And so on. Now as an adult, my task is to challenge those old self-limiting beliefs and not repeat such detrimental patterns. It applies in other relationship types, too, not just love relationships. If I see that I am creating a familiar dynamic between myself and a boss, mentor, friend, classmate, etc., it is up to me to be aware and vigilant not to let it overtake the relationship and my life. That is one of the reasons why I truly see relationships as one of the best ways to learn about ourselves and grow as human beings.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 04-29-2015 at 10:44 PM.
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Old 04-30-2015, 06:36 AM
bassman bassman is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
This is about much more than the type of person to whom one is attracted. Usually what we think is a pattern in our partners, that we keep coming up against again and again, is actually a pattern in our own behavior, based on some belief we have. What is necessary is to be very self-aware, so we can recognize when we are seeking out the same or similar dynamic in a relationship again, or creating it where it does not exist.

For example, I have a very deep-rooted belief that "all men leave." This sort of belief was probably established before I could even talk, so it isn't going away. I come from several generations of women who were all abandoned either by their fathers, husbands, or both. This is what I observed, and what I believed about relationships between men and women. Eventually, the man will leave me. Coexisting with that, is another belief that was also ingrained in me at an early age, which is "without a man, I am nothing." Again, my observations at an early age that a woman is nothing without a man. And yet, all men leave, don't they? These two beliefs are very much at odds, but they are both there, running silently in the background. Those beliefs will always be there, because by the age of about seven, let's face it, the cake is baked and we've already made decisions about how to navigate the world based on our observations.

The key, for me, is to recognize when I am letting those beliefs run my life -- and when I see that, to stop doing that, to stop investing in those old beliefs. Am I pursuing a man who wants nothing to do with me? Am I pursuing someone just not to be alone? Am I looking for some kind of approval from a man, or from others because I "have a man" in my life? Am I unconsciously pushing away a partner who really loves/likes and cares about me, out of an inherent need to justify my belief that men won't stick around? And so on. Now as an adult, my task is to challenge those old self-limiting beliefs and not repeat such detrimental patterns. It applies in other relationship types, too, not just love relationships. If I see that I am creating a familiar dynamic between myself and a boss, mentor, friend, classmate, etc., it is up to me to be aware and vigilant not to let it overtake the relationship and my life. That is one of the reasons why I truly see relationships as one of the best ways to learn about ourselves and grow as human beings.
Wow - like!
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Old 04-30-2015, 01:40 PM
pacificfords pacificfords is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
This is about much more than the type of person to whom one is attracted. Usually what we think is a pattern in our partners, that we keep coming up against again and again, is actually a pattern in our own behavior, based on some belief we have. What is necessary is to be very self-aware, so we can recognize when we are seeking out the same or similar dynamic in a relationship again, or creating it where it does not exist.

For example, I have a very deep-rooted belief that "all men leave." This sort of belief was probably established before I could even talk, so it isn't going away. I come from several generations of women who were all abandoned either by their fathers, husbands, or both. This is what I observed, and what I believed about relationships between men and women. Eventually, the man will leave me. Coexisting with that, is another belief that was also ingrained in me at an early age, which is "without a man, I am nothing." Again, my observations at an early age that a woman is nothing without a man. And yet, all men leave, don't they? These two beliefs are very much at odds, but they are both there, running silently in the background. Those beliefs will always be there, because by the age of about seven, let's face it, the cake is baked and we've already made decisions about how to navigate the world based on our observations.

The key, for me, is to recognize when I am letting those beliefs run my life -- and when I see that, to stop doing that, to stop investing in those old beliefs. Am I pursuing a man who wants nothing to do with me? Am I pursuing someone just not to be alone? Am I looking for some kind of approval from a man, or from others because I "have a man" in my life? Am I unconsciously pushing away a partner who really loves/likes and cares about me, out of an inherent need to justify my belief that men won't stick around? And so on. Now as an adult, my task is to challenge those old self-limiting beliefs and not repeat such detrimental patterns. It applies in other relationship types, too, not just love relationships. If I see that I am creating a familiar dynamic between myself and a boss, mentor, friend, classmate, etc., it is up to me to be aware and vigilant not to let it overtake the relationship and my life. That is one of the reasons why I truly see relationships as one of the best ways to learn about ourselves and grow as human beings.
This is so good!! I have a deep rooted belief that people who love and care about me will lie to me. It happened first with my abusive parents and with every relationship I have had. It baffles me because it is the opposite of what I want to attract. Honesty is so important to me, but I attract people who lie to me. Every single time.

One example: a relationship I had a couple years ago was with a guy that I actually spent months getting to know. I was very cautious, but grew to trust him. He was poly and had a poly girlfriend, which I met once early on when we were just friends and saw rarely. Things progressed naturally and one night we moved into a physical relationship. The first thing he said to me when we were done was that we should not tell (his girlfriend) about this because she could not handle it. I was completely shocked and actually felt rather cheap and used in that moment because I realized the relationship wasn't what I thought it was! I never saw it coming. He was not poly, which came out the next day in a conversation that ended our relationship.

I feel like I should be able to spot this type of thing at my age. I feel like I ask all the right questions and take my time getting to know people, but it happens every time to different degrees. Each relationship makes me a little more hesitant and a little more guarded.
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Old 04-30-2015, 02:49 PM
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The one real oddity I can point to is that EVERY woman I dated after my ex (and I'm talking about 8 or 9) did not have pierced ears. Fast forward a dozen years, and my FWB has no piercings either.

This was never a factor in my selection, it just happened to be a strange coincidence discovered after meeting them.

A far lesser coincidence is that all of my dates were INFJ or ENFJ personality type.
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Old 04-30-2015, 03:26 PM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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I don't have any experience of dating as such (I was with one partner for 10 years who I met while on a drunken night out. I have been with my only other serious partner for 5 years now - he's an old FWB of mine. Rest of my adult life has been spent very happily single).

But - I notice real patterns in the people I am close to. There is a tendency among them to be confident, happy, sociable individuals. I'm very independent and have lots of interests so can't really be anybody else's one and only source of social contact. People who need a close, best friend type relationship or who want to be part of everything that their close friend does usually drift away from me and replace the friendship with somebody who is more compatible.

Also my friends have a tendency to want to have one to one time with those close to them - it's something I very much value and I think that I let the people who don't prioritise one to one time with me at least sometimes slip out of my life.

Tendency toward kindness and caring too. Not all in the same way - but being supportive towards and aware of the needs of the others in their lives is something that is common to those closest to me. I'm quite empathetic and I suspect it is that quality about myself that makes people who are kind and caring attractive to me.

A high number of my close friends are risk takers - favouring dangerous sports, high risk work. They talk about becoming bored and just taking risks if they allow their lives to become too easy. This is not at all a trait of mine but I understand why it is comfortable for me to have these people in my life - it was very much a trait of my dad's and is a trait my brother has very strongly. I worry and am anxious myself but risk takers are familiar and comfortable to me - I suspect that I help them to feel comfortable too and that is why it's so common among those close to me.

Honesty is a thing too. Interestingly, it's the only thing that my ex and my current partner share. They could not be more different but both of them are very honest - admitting mistakes and not trying to hide if things have gone wrong.

I don't tend to go out searching for folk but what I find is that the people who don't share those sorts of tendencies drift out of my life after a while. They don't stick because it isn't comfortable for them or for me to be close.

I did grow up in a very secure group. Nobody left our family and nobody left in the group of friends I grew up with. On the whole people tended not to lie to each other. As children we were all encouraged to mix with lots of different people and to talk to strangers. It helped all of us feel secure about the variety of relationships in our lives.

IP
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Old 04-30-2015, 03:52 PM
LizziE LizziE is online now
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When I was younger, I somehow managed to date five virgin guys (this was mostly in college). How I kept finding the virgins is beyond me - other than that, they didn't seem to have a lot in common (I dated a number of different "types" of people in college, trying to find what worked for me). And I didn't know any of them were virgins until we'd been dating a while, it's not like I zeroed in on that.

Now, the biggest pattern in men/male-presenting people that I date is that they're usually good at being an alpha male even if they're naturally a loner. Mainly, I date men who are good at being in charge, even if naturally, they *don't* want to be in charge, but will is no one else competent is stepping up. Which is the way I am - I usually end up in charge, because I'm good at being in charge, and even if I don't want to be, I'll do it eliminate dithering.

What this means is that if me and a guy I'm dating are out together, or planning someone with other people, we'll generally take over and then divide the work between ourselves and the other people.

The women/female-presenting people that I date tend to be really good bakers. Which is again not something that I plan or look specifically for. But it keeps happening. I'm much better at cooking than baking, so it always works well for both of us.

One person who I've been dating casually for years is genderqueer and they're both great at being in charge AND baking. We throw the best dinner parties.
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Old 05-01-2015, 08:12 PM
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I tend to date older people. Punk is 5 years older, Fly is 10 years older, and Moonlight is 30 years older.

I'm the baby in my family, and my brother and sister are significantly older (by 14 and 16 years). All my cousins are much older also. I think that's why I'm so comfortable in relationships where I'm younger than my partner. I'm certainly not opposed to dating people my own age or younger, but those haven't been my longest relationships at this point.
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- Moonlight, single, leans monogamous, girlfriend since 6/2012
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- No longer lives with ex-boyfriend Fly (1/2006 - 12/2013, my introduction to nonmonogamy, ultimately amicable breakup), and his 10-year-old son Kiddo
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