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  #11  
Old 03-25-2011, 07:44 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Originally Posted by LovingLove View Post
I think though that there is a lot of comfort in venting to someone else and that it can often make someone feel better instantly, or see things in a more simplified verbalized form that makes it less of a big deal, if that happens, then why run to the other and make them worry that something is wrong?
I agree and disagree at the same time...
With Raga (my future ex-husband) I did that kind of thing a lot. I would vent to other people about things that annoyed me but that seemed to silly to create a big fuss about, or things we had already talked about but didn't seem to improve, etc.
It would make me feel a lot better about our relationship, and I knew it spared him a lot of pain from hearing me talk about these things to him.
So I completely understand the appeal of doing that.

However, on the other hand, in hindsight it probably wasn't such a good idea. For one thing, the friends I vented to were friends we had in common (so that they knew him and knew what I was talking about) and it had the effect of making me sound horrible (obviously, I was venting, so I was accusing him and not talking about my own part in things). Also, when they thought it was a debate or something, they would argue with me, which annoyed me as I was just trying to vent to them.
And finally, while I was trying to vent so I could have a talk with him after I had calmed down, rather than fall on his back right away, too often the friends would actually contact him first (even when I told them what it was about) and usually had remembered my words wrong, and would only repeat something like "she's really pissed at you, she's probably gonna break up", so when I tried to start the calm discussion, he was already a nervous wreck.
Worse, it probably caused him more pain to hear things from a third person than from me.

I haven't done anything like that with Seamus. Granted, I haven't had the opportunity to be pissed at him yet, but when I'm in a foul mood (which can happen through no fault of anyone else's own) I try to isolate myself instead and think about things on my own, while listening to music, or pacing, or trying to relax.

Also, I should add that the one friend I vented to who wasn't a friend in common never repeated anything to him and never tried to defend him. So if you have to vent at all, I think someone who doesn't know anything about the situation is actually the better choice. They'll let you just say whatever you want and when you're done they'll think nothing of it.
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  #12  
Old 03-25-2011, 07:56 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is online now
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Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
Also, I should add that the one friend I vented to who wasn't a friend in common never repeated anything to him and never tried to defend him. So if you have to vent at all, I think someone who doesn't know anything about the situation is actually the better choice. They'll let you just say whatever you want and when you're done they'll think nothing of it.
I have found that it is extremely important that each of us NEEDS friends that are NOT joint friends. We need people that we can vent to and know that what we say won't get back to the person we are mad at and when things have worked themselves out, we don't want what we said to have damaged the friendship between our loved one and the person we vented to.

A while back, things were happening in my marriage that nearly ended it. I had to litterally remove myself from our circle of friends. It was then that I realized all of my friends were either joint friends or he had constant dealings with due to his activities. I couldn't bring myself to ruin those relationships by giving voice to our dirty laundry, because he would still have to have dealings with everyone. Now I'm on the lookout for a few close friends that aren't my husbands friends first.
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Old 03-25-2011, 09:24 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I have had that issue too. When I broke up with Raga, I realised pretty much everyone I was in contact with was also his friend. A bunch of them were his friends and family that I had grown to like, and a bunch were my friends first and then became his as well.
Although he tried hard to become friends with all of my friends, I was "saved" by the fact that he doesn't speak French very well, so my French friends stayed primarily my friends, even though they have met and such.

But at the breakup, it was pretty hard. I wanted him to be able to get support, so I didn't talk to any of these people for about two months (letting them come to me if they wanted to) and by the time I tried to get in contact again, they pretty much reacted in a "stay away from me, you horrible person!" manner. And that could be because he vented to them during these two months, for instance, and they only heard his side of things (There is a French proverb that goes "he who is absent is always in the wrong."). But ultimately, I guess when there is a breakup most friends "pick sides".
I'm still in contact with exactly one friend we have (or had, I guess) in common, and it was really hard to lose so many friends, especially when some of them only met him through me.
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Old 03-26-2011, 02:49 AM
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Somegeezer Somegeezer is offline
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I personally couldn't be in a relationship with someone who wouldn't want to be completely open. I certainly wouldn't use information against anyone though. I just enjoy understanding people better. I actually get very anxious and fidgety when those close to me won't open up and find it hard to get close to people who never do open up. I don't know why the former, but the latter, I believe is just about trust. Those who never open up are hiding too much for me to care about trying to make it work. Those who I have found closeness with who have opened up many times, when they don't, I usually ask again the next time we speak. [assuming I remember]
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