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  #11  
Old 03-23-2011, 05:25 PM
PenguinDreams PenguinDreams is offline
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That's funny that you say that BlackUnicorn, C and I were talking about serial monogamy this past weekend at the lake. I said that I noticed a pattern (well, not much of a pattern because it's only based on two relationships that have come to fruition but w/e) where he would be extremely passionate with me during the time where he was courting them but once the relationship was consummated he would be completely consumed with the new person. I thought it was because he would channel all the energy from one person towards me because at least he had an outlet for it there. But when he was able to have the person he was pursuing any needs I might have were inconvenient for him and a huge source of many fights. I told him it looked like he really wanted only one person at a time but without the hassle of getting rid of the previous person.

It has been kind of a wounding relationship. I think the hard part for me over the past few days has been facing up to the fact that while it's infinitely better than the relationship I had previous to this, it's still pretty similar in some ways. I keep getting told I'm selfish and immature and insecure when I ask for reassurance or expressions of love or when I ask about the new focus of his affections. The ex used to do this because he expected to be able to neglect me while I catered to his every whim. (In all fairness, it was a master/slave relationship but still...) Now C has done it and he says he gets frustrated and impatient because of something that's wrong with me, with the way I feel. This is supposed to be someone who loves me... but I wonder about that sometimes. I wonder how much of what he wants from other people is love and relationship and how much is just the seduction of someone he can hold up as a mirror to look at his own reflection.

Looking back at the ex, I know I wasn't everything he said I was. So maybe I'm not what C has said about me either? Or it's like I talked about earlier; it's part of the truth and there's enough truth in there to make it seem real but it's still a distortion. I don't know anymore.
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  #12  
Old 03-23-2011, 07:21 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Sounds like it's time to change the type of men you pick, because both sound similar in how they respond to you and not in a good way.
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  #13  
Old 03-24-2011, 01:01 PM
PenguinDreams PenguinDreams is offline
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Yeah, I probably just shouldn't be in a relationship at all.

Things have been so calm at home since this weekend. C has been loving and attentive, he calls when he's on his way home from work to see if I need anything and he brought me dinner the other night from our favorite Mexican place. We've spent some quality time in bed and there hasn't been any tension or arguing. It's so nice right now.
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  #14  
Old 03-24-2011, 04:54 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PenguinDreams View Post
Yeah, I probably just shouldn't be in a relationship at all.
Not exactly what I ment. You do need to stand up for yourself and realize that your needs are worth being met and your concerns are valid and they should be addressed. You deserve better than you have been getting, ASK for it, insist on it. Expect better for yourself and address it when you don't get it. If we don't respect ourselves, no one else will either. If our partner is unwilling to respect us, then maybe it is time to walk away.

Lack of respect can show up immediately or it can slowly grow over time. The former is where I was. It wasn't until others started recognizing my teenagers lack of respect for me that I realized what had happened. I had to bring it up in counceling before my husband would do more than just blow me off. Since then there has been a huge change and it is an amazing feeling.
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Old 03-24-2011, 06:27 PM
PenguinDreams PenguinDreams is offline
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I know that's not what you meant but it's still true.

I've been dating basically the same guy in every relationship I've had. Even though they all seem "different" at first I can give a pretty accurate profile of a guy just based on the fact that there's a mutual attraction and we seem to be headed towards a relationship. The one exception to that rule was this wonderfully kind and considerate man who lavished me with attention, respected the heck out of me and gave me the freedom to be myself. He drove me nuts and I never really did feel any chemistry with him.

The thing with C was that I knew he had some of the... some might call them character flaws... that I seem to be drawn to and he was very much aware of them. I thought that because he recognized how destructive he could be that he would also be there to clean up the mess afterward. He said he would. We actually did talk about that and I thought I'd found someone who could be cruel to me in ways I seem to need and he said he was excited about finding someone who would allow, even crave, some of the evil he could dish out. But he also said he'd be there to pick up the pieces when it was done and that didn't quite work out as planned.
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  #16  
Old 03-25-2011, 12:26 AM
PenguinDreams PenguinDreams is offline
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Default Is anyone wondering how deep the rabit hole goes?

Well so much for the peaceful week. Oh, there's no fight or anything. Yet. But these lulls in the anxiety make me want to let my guard down and be all loving and mooshy. C is very uncomfortable with that. He says I get this look on my face when I go to hug him, all moon-eyed and full of adoration; he hates it. Apparently that's something he only wants when he's trying to seduce someone.

Which is what he's out doing tonight.

I had hoped to talk with him about some of the things in the post above. I hadn't actually remembered those conversations between us until I wrote that. It puts some of these past couple of years into perspective and I wanted to dissect that a little.

But shortly after I got home from work I got a text from him saying he's out with new girl (I'll call her Kali) and I should find my own dinner. He's told me Kali has said that she could never share a lover. But Misty had said she thought poly was just people being greedy and she fell for him pretty damn quick. I have little faith in the strength of their convictions because I keep seeing them throw themselves at C. There's been a couple of others who didn't quite come to fruition, one of which I had a direct hand in discouraging because I wasn't okay with her cheating on her fiancee. I don't really know what is going on with C; I've heard him talk a good game about openness and honesty and wanting relationships that will work long term, but his actions say otherwise.

I know I need someone who is not quite there for me. I need to feel like I don't have all of them and I'm always fighting for more. That's why I thought I'd give poly another shot with C. But this just sucks. I know I have no rights to expect anything from him given our broken-up-but-still-together-for-the-moment status (not that still being together would change his actions in the slightest), but I still want him to be home when I expect him to be home and not out acting like a predator.

That feeling of wanting to be all open and reaching out to him that I felt earlier is gone. Now I'm just withdrawn and disengaged again. Maybe it's best that way.
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  #17  
Old 03-26-2011, 03:31 PM
PenguinDreams PenguinDreams is offline
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Right on schedule, we had our fight last night.

The evening started off well enough. Went to dinner and had sushi and light conversation. He mentioned that Misty was sitting in on one of his classes and noticed that some guy was definitely crushing on him. I let that pass without comment but it really hurt. It used to be me that went to classes with him and now I've been replaced. I wonder if she also sits in the office with him like I used to and if his colleagues assume I'm out of his life. I wonder if he takes her to the little restaurant where we used to go. It hurts to think that I miss all these things and it doesn't bother him at all.

After dinner we went to sit down by a water fountain. Our discussion of what happened the other night with Kali escalated into a heated exchange of the same things we always fight about. We just keep rehashing the same issues and all it does is add more hurt and resentment between us with no resolution. Towards the end I asked him why he picked a fight and he said it was my reaction to his comment about Misty. I had looked away for a second and couldn't help but let some pain show in my expression. It bothered him that I felt threatened and hurt by it. So his solution is to make it worse?

He asked if I'd be willing to talk one-on-one with Misty. I said no because I don't see the point. I'll be gone soon and I really don't need to see this reminder of everything I'm losing that she'll be gaining. He said that he and I will still see each other after I move and it's important to him to be able to talk about the other people in his life. I don't really know what to think of that. He's told me everything from "I won't have any time and we'll probably see each other very rarely" to this. I've never seen a relationship go backwards very well. I imagine that in the beginning I'll see him maybe once a week or every other week and we'll gradually drift apart because I won't be part of his daily life, he won't be part of mine and seeing him will feel increasing hollow and only emphasize how much I miss him in-between until the pain of being with him outweighs the loneliness of not seeing him at all. He, on the other hand, will still have someone to sleep with and love and share his day with and all the mundane details that make a relationship. And he genuinely doesn't understand how much that hurts me.

In her last email to me Misty had said she wants me to move out because it will put us on more even footing with him and make her feel more comfortable. I rage inside thinking of how callous and completely incorrect that is and I resent her for that. I resent her for not supporting my relationship with C and I resent her for thinking only of what she gets out the end of my relationship with C and no thought whatsoever of how I might feel about that. I blame her for her part in causing the scene that lead to our break-up. So no, I don't see anything productive or positive coming out of a meeting with her.

C said it angered him that I could say such things about someone he cares about. But his feelings for her aren't real to me. I don't see it and I don't see them together and I have a hard time believing she's really his girlfriend. It infuriates me that he expects me to be able to see things from her point of view but I don't see him making any effort to see my side and feel my pain.

I couldn't sleep last night and I woke up crying this morning. I think what really hurts is that he won't miss me when I'm gone. He already has someone lined up to slide right into my place. I'm sick of the fighting and I just want to be able to enjoy the last of my time with him and I don't want to waste a single night not being held in his arms. I won't have that anymore after I move but he'll just continue on with someone else. I hate feeling like I'm so easily expendable.
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